Second Fall
by Zavocado
Summary: When no direction feels like its up, and no decision seems right, Blaine and Kurt find their own strength within themselves after their relationship ends. But can they really say goodbye after everything they've shared and meant to each other? Does a broken heart also mean losing your best friend? Post-TBU reunion Klaine, AU, deviates from canon after 4.04
1. October

A/N: Hello, lovelies. It's been a while hasn't it? Lots going on in the life of Zane. Work, classes, papers, surgery, just put one cat to sleep two weeks ago and gotta put the other down tomorrow. So this new little project was my NaNoWriMo novel for this year. Kinda decided it spur of the moment type deal. This story is basically my headcanon from 4.04 and onward for Klaine this season. It does **NOT **line up with canon beyond that, though as I've been writing I've been trying to incorporate as many spoilers as I can.

I've been posting this on tumblr a bit here and there as I go along, and I figured now that NaNoWriMo is over (and I've hit the 50k mark though am in no way done) that I would begin posting it up here. So far I've written October, November, and December for it. I'm taking a break from this to give some time to Only a Fortnight in Your Arms and my last two papers, but this one while fully span through Valentine's Day and their reunion, and then have a few moments for March, April, and May to fully stabilize their relationship.

So yeah, I'll be updating this with the portions already written over the next few weeks while I work on OAFIYA and then flip back to this once I've updated the other a few times.

Enjoy my super long Klaine reunion headcanon!

Second Fall

October was static.

Blaine cried a lot; more than he ever had in his entire life. The fits of tears came in unexpected bursts and hit him like a left hook to the face. Nothing felt real or mobile. It was all unaltered and frozen inside of his mind, but the self-loathing pain that ripped through his chest changed. It progressed and tightened, became fixed and hardened as a permanent lump in the back of his throat.

But through it all, Blaine only felt worse, guiltier. He didn't deserve to cry over what he'd lost – what he'd thrown away for a cheap night with a guy who's last name he didn't even know.

He tried not to think about anything that had happened between the day Kurt had called him from work and his return from New York. Maybe if he ignored it long enough, it would stop existing. Maybe this time pretending like something terrible hadn't happened would erase all traces of it from his mind. But nightmares started happening, and he still texted Kurt in vain just to talk _them_ over.

Three weeks. He hadn't managed three weeks without Kurt, and now he was looking at a lifetime. Something monstrous and self-deprecating settled in his chest every time he acknowledged the truth of it, craving out the emptiness in his heart and taking refuge from his decency.

Everything around him seemed hollow as the weeks since New York passed. Nobody went out of their way to talk to him and he didn't make any effort to change that. Finn had taken over the Glee Club in Schuester's absence, the newest members were excited to participate in their first school musical, and Blaine felt flat. Empty, heartless and dehumanized in a way that made him squirm.

None of it mattered. Nothing at McKinley had mattered since Kurt left, and despite his own guilt and regret for what he'd done, the realization unnerved him more than anything else.

Auditions for Grease rolled around towards the end of the month, and it was only because Blaine knew everyone expected him to try out that he did. The expectation that he would be the male lead two years running was high. Artie already wanted to take his measures for a jacket and jeans, and was discussing hair options that would work best and that Blaine might go along with.

It all made Blaine feel sicker, more undeserving and worthless than he had been last time. He couldn't manage to hold himself together for more than few days, how was he ever going to pull off playing Danny?

The answer presented itself to him during his audition the week before Halloween. He'd already watched Marley, Unique, Tina, and even the rude cheerleader girl have their shot at Sandy, and now he was fairly sure he knew which girl had won that role. But as he stepped up for his own audition everything felt heavy and wrong.

_Hopelessly Devoted to You_ was the last song he should ever be singing after what he'd done. Kurt had the right to sing it at the top of his lungs, but he didn't. Maybe that was why he'd chosen it, because he knew in his heart that it guaranteed his failure right now.

And it did. He completely tanked after the first verse, choking up with his voice cracking and dropping until it disappeared from the auditorium. Blaine kept his gaze locked on his shoes so the judges – Mike, Santana, Mercedes, and Finn – wouldn't notice the tears running down his cheeks. From his lonely spotlight on the stage Blaine heard their whispers, uncertain and even slightly concerned.

"Dude, um," Finn's confused voice spoke into the microphone as the whispers stopped. Blaine could feel all of the eyes on him, the ones behind the curtains surrounding him and directly out in the audience. He was out of his mind for auditioning this year. Right now he couldn't even manage himself.

"You, err, didn't finish the um, song," Finn faltered.

"Really, Finn?" Mercedes muffled voice cut in sharply. "Did you actually expect him to when he's singing _that_?"

"Guys, come on, don't– "

But Blaine took off before he heard the rest of Mike's words. Tears fell fast and hot as he stumbled out the stage's side door and into the hall. He managed to duck into the boys' bathroom right around the corner because his stomach bubbled up and out of his throat.

When Blaine was heaving up nothing, he finally collapsed to the floor beside the trash can and curled in on himself.

He was the biggest asshole in the world. Kurt was allowed to hate him and ignore him after he'd cheated. The friends Kurt still had here were allowed to do the same. Anybody who'd done what he'd done a few short weeks ago deserved everything he was feeling right now. Nothing was going to change it or make any of this right, and somehow he was going to have to accept that the biggest mistake of his life meant losing the one thing that gave his life meaning.

* * *

Hours later Blaine made his way to the locker room to clean himself up. When he entered he thought it was empty, but the sound of voices around the corner made Blaine flinch. He didn't pause to listen to who it was, knowing only that he didn't want company right now.

He unlocked his gym locker and dug his bag out, including the toothbrush he kept in there. Kurt had always had a thing about fresh brush and Blaine had happily obliged. As Blaine turned the little purple toothbrush over in his hand his head throbbed painfully. Kurt was everywhere here. Was everywhere in his classes and the halls and even his room. Nowhere he went was free of his own torment.

"Dude, there you are! Finn, he _is_ in here!"

"Oh, great!" Finn's voice shouted, echoing through the lockers and over to Blaine.

Sam appeared at Blaine's side a moment later, looking relieved and flushed. As thought transfixed, Blaine kept his eyes locked on the towel hanging up in the back of his locker and said nothing. He didn't trust himself to say anything worthwhile. Anything that came out of his mouth right now would either hurt himself ,or them, and Blaine didn't want that.

Finn's enormous hand dropped down onto Blaine's shoulder as the two boys surrounded him.

"We were kinda worried after you ran off earlier," Sam told him. "Finn said your audition was, um, rough."

"I've never sounded worse," Blaine admitted honestly, pulling his towel from its hook and draping it over his shoulder. "You guys don't have to worry. Really. I'm f– "

"Bull, man," Sam snapped, actually sounding angry. Blaine flinched at the tone and closed his locker softly. "Look, I dunno what exactly happened with you and Kurt, but you can't keep beating yourself up like this, bro."

"Sam, just leave it– "

"Kurt wouldn't want you to do this to yourself, man," Finn said quietly, looking sad.

"Actually, I really think he would after what I did," Blaine argued, stepping over the bench and heading towards the showers.

"Right now he might, but he loves you," Finn continued, sounding determined as he followed after Blaine. "You made a huge mistake, and yeah, there's nothing you can do to take it back or change it, but if you two are gonna get past this– "

"No," Blaine said firmly, "we aren't. He's going to hate me for the rest of his life and I'm going to hate myself. " He paused next to one of the shower stalls, head bowed as the other exchanged a look. "Breaking his heart is one thing, but I broke his _trust_, and that's even worse. We had that from the day we met. Now all of his memories of his first love are going to be tarnished by what I've done. Besides," he added, "we can't work anything out if he won't talk to me."

"But– "

"Guys, I appreciate the concern, but it's not going to change any of this," Blaine told them, twisting the shower knob.

"God," Sam said, sounding annoyed. "I thought we were cool, man. We just want to help, but I guess that's out of the question since you won't even do that for yourself."

Blaine paused half way through unbuttoning his shirt, listening to Sam drag Finn out of the locker room. As the distant door slammed closed, Blaine dropped his forehead onto the short wall dividing the shower stalls and focused on breathing.

Sam didn't seem to realize how much truth his words held, but Blaine did. He'd been thinking it for weeks now, ever since Kurt had left, really. He didn't do anything for himself, hadn't since he'd transferred to Dalton. For the Warblers, Blaine had been who they'd needed, and then he'd been what Kurt needed. He'd stupidly dedicated his entire life to the boy he'd fallen in love with, and while Kurt had grown and matured at his side, he'd remained stationary – unchanged. One second they'd been hand and hand in the halls of Dalton and the next Blaine's feet were out of sync, he was tripping and stumbling to keep a hold onto Kurt and secure himself at the other boy's side like an anchor.

Kurt hadn't needed that anchor for a long time now, and that chain had snapped as soon as the plane had taken off for New York. The boy Blaine had fallen in love with a dozen times over was moving on within himself, and Blaine hadn't known how to keep up. So he'd stayed the same and left himself at the bottom of the ocean with the chain once tethered to Kurt sinking down around him.

Sam was right. He didn't know how to help himself, didn't even know how to make himself happy without Kurt there to be happy, too.

* * *

Rachel was worried about him. Kurt didn't need her to say anything about _him_ or Lima or love to know it. She was entirely too obvious as she coddled him and essentially drove him nuts after their guests had left. But she was good for some things, like holding him when he woke up crying in the middle of the night and making cakes at random hours to keep him fed.

His thighs would probably never again fit all of his favorite tight pants, but Kurt honestly didn't care. He couldn't wrap his mind around what had happened between himself and... _Blaine_ only a few weeks ago. It seemed unreal except for the throbbing heartache that was always clawing at his throat and eyes.

Had he really been so blinded by his own love that he hadn't seen who Blaine was? But even as he thought it for the hundredth time, Kurt knew it held no truth. Blaine, the kind, sweet boy he'd fallen in love with, wouldn't do something like this with ill intent. Even still, Kurt had moments, hours, where he _hated_ Blaine. Hated everything they'd shared and meant to each other, because somehow it had all amounted to this nightmare he couldn't shake himself out of. He hated even more the moments when he started to blame himself for any of it, because if he was somehow at fault for Blaine's decision to cheat then maybe he could find a way out of this.

But he wasn't. This was on _Blaine_ and there was nothing Kurt could do about it but cry.

As Halloween approached, Rachel started pressing him more than coddling him. Some days Kurt was barely aware of it, but other times she was sharp and direct in a way he couldn't ignore.

"Kurt, you can't keep wallowing like this," she snapped one evening as a thunderstorm rattled the fire escape outside of their kitchen. "_Call him_. Then go on a date with this guy in my– "

"Really?" Kurt said in disbelief. "You think I can just– after _everything_ he's meant to me– that I'll just– "

"No, but you can't get past this by dwelling on it," Rachel warned him. "Look at me and Brody! We're happy together, and yeah I miss Finn because I've loved him in a way I've never loved anybody else, but... that doesn't mean you can't let yourself experience life and whatever else it has to offer, Kurt."

On the little coffee table they'd taken to use as their dining table, Kurt's phone lit up and began to vibrate across the wood. Even before he looked at the screen, Kurt knew the text message was from Blaine. Every day he sent at least a handful of apologies or pleas for Kurt to talk to him, and despite feeling rather childish for it, Kurt ignored every single one.

"See?" Rachel insisted. "He wants to talk to you, Kurt. _Let him_, so you can both get closure and move on from this."

I don't want to move on from him.

"It's not that simple," Kurt told her quietly, staring at his mostly full plate of spaghetti. His appetite for anything except cake seemed to have departed with Blaine two weeks ago. "I can't even comprehend what he's _done_. I _trusted _him with all of me, Rachel. How do I just shut that off?"

"By confronting this and him," Rachel persisted. "He's your _best friend_, Kurt. I know I love to claim the title, but there's parts of yourself you've shared with him that I'll never see or understand like he does. If nothing else give him a chance to explain or at least officially end it. Just... don't keep ignoring all of this."

Even the part of Kurt that hated Blaine for what he'd done knew there was truth in her words, but he still didn't take the advice. It was too _hard_ to fathom talking to Blaine right now, and Kurt knew he'd be too furious to even demand a full explanation of what had happened with Blaine and this _guy_. It was nightmares of that, where he'd touched Blaine, how he'd made him feel and moan, that woke Kurt up at night. He wondered if Blaine had thought about him while it happened, and if he had if he'd laughed at the thought of his heartbreak.

There'd certainly been no laughing at Battery Park. If anything Blaine had seemed shattered from the moment he'd arrived.

I needed you. I needed you and you weren't there.

And despite the physical cheating Blaine had committed, Kurt knew those words hadn't been about Blaine needing sex. Right now Kurt just couldn't bear to admit that despite his own assures he'd done exactly what he'd said he wouldn't. He'd left Blaine behind, physically, mentally, emotionally, knocking Blaine off the balance bend he'd been wobbling on for so long. He didn't blame himself for Blaine's decision – Blaine could have just as easily hopped a plane instead of doing whatever, wherever with that _guy _– but he was starting to realize part of the blame for how Blaine had felt was with him, even if he couldn't admit it.

* * *

By the week of Halloween, Kurt had made the decision to stop feeling sad and sorry for himself. He was partially taking Rachel's advice, even if he still refused to acknowledge any of Blaine's text messages. His office was holding their big annual Halloween party that week, and while finding a costume was simple enough, Kurt was at a loss for a date.

Rachel point blank refused to accompany him.

No, absolutely not," Rachel said flatly when he told her he wanted her to go with him. "You need to go out and have fun and meet other guys, Kurt– "

"That's not what I need right now– "

"No, but you need to change your Facebook relationship status, don't you?" Rachel huffed and Kurt wilted at her words.

He didn't think about _them_ anymore. If he pushed it under their shabby little rug then he couldn't actually see it, even if there was still a bulky outfit lingering in his sight. Everything about Blaine still lingered in his skin, and he knew nothing would wash it out.

"Come here," Rachel murmured, tugging him down into her little arms and hugging him against her. Kurt allowed it, like he had that first week, and tried to relax. She was his best friend, and while her hugs were comforting, it wasn't _right_. Not in the way he needed now. It wasn't strong and firm like Blaine's grip. There was no masculine, warm, cinnamon-like scent to engulf him and take the tension out of his body.

"Look, I love Blaine to bits," Rachel said truthfully. "So do you, despite everything that's happened. I'd almost be disappointed if you could stop loving him that quickly. But you have _got_ to move on. You've got to live your life, and if you two are soul mates like I think you are, then you'll find a way back to each other. But right now, you've got to let this go."

Kurt wiped his nose roughly as she attempted to rock him, but instead toppled over from his weight. They landed on the hardwood in a heap, and for the first time since the beginning of October, Kurt laughed. Eyes crinkled up, but still tearful as he sat back up.

Rachel beamed at the happy sound and kissed his cheek. "See? It's not so hard," she told him with certainty.

"I don't think I'm ready yet," he said weakly, pulling his knees up against his chest and resting his chin on them. "I can't just let go without saying goodbye, and I hate him too much to even talk to him right now."

"You'll never really be ready until you start moving on," Rachel decided. "Because then all of your time will be spent thinking about him, and hating him and what happened, and pining for before and you'll never get past this without a push."

Kurt was silent as he mulled her words over. In some ways he knew she was right. If he waited until his heart was ready to move on to dating other men, he'd be waiting forever. His love for Blaine was never going to disappear, and he knew that.

"Maybe you'll even meet a cute guy, Kurt," Rachel insisted, trying to sound as hopeful as she looked. Kurt saw right through it, though, knowing she wanted him and Blaine to talk and start to mend. Right now, Kurt didn't think he could ever speak to Blaine again without yelling at him through his tears.

He won't be the cutest.

"Maybe... " Kurt sulked, picking up his fork and twirling it through his spaghetti. "Chase keeps dropping hints about the party since he doesn't have a date either."

"Then go with him," Rachel demanded. "He already knows you're in a tough spot, so he shouldn't push you for anything."

"He is a nice guy," Kurt admitted. He wasn't Kurt's type, though. Too well informed on Kurt's own interests that there was never any moments where he had to sit him down and explain an outfit, or a design's cut, or why Blaine should wear bow ties to make his shoulders look broader.

Kurt shook his head roughly at the thought, and tried to offer Rachel a smile. It faltered before his lips even started moving, and he stared down at his plate, and the phone vibrating with another text message from Blaine.

Whether or not he loved Blaine wasn't the problem right now. His heart was deflated and torn from the inside out, but Blaine's love for him had stayed nestled in its same, favorite spot. This wasn't going away anytime soon, but for just a little while longer Kurt was going to focus on himself and ignore it.


	2. November, Part 1

A/N: Next part just to get it moving a bit! Through Christmas is done thanks to that 50k push for NaNoWriMo. I originally posted the majority of that on tumblr (in huge ass chunks. Seriously, the one was close to 18k) so I'm not sure how I'll be breaking up chapters on here yet. I'm going to try to space the next handful out some (nothing crazy like weeks or anything) to give myself time to write more OAFIYA and then still have another part or two still to post for this when I start it back up at New Year's Eve (in the story, not in real life, shh!).

For anyone reading OAFIYA, I am desperately hoping to have the next chapter up sometime at the end of the week. It's around 50% done I'd say, so fingers crossed.

Enjoy the first portion of November, and another reminder that it's deviating from canon!

Second Fall

It wasn't until after Halloween when Blaine finally found the nerve to talk to Sam again. The rest of the club was gearing up for the school musical in a few weeks, but Blaine couldn't really focus on it. He had one song to sing as Teen Angel and, with his heart not in it, he couldn't figure out how to care about it. For the sake of the others, he gave his best effort when they rehearsed his scene, but otherwise he continued to keep to himself.

But Sam wasn't talking to him now either and that hurt Blaine all over again. Not as deeply as Kurt's silence, but enough to finally make him do something after dance rehearsal one afternoon early in November.

The other guys were still back in the auditorium, goofing around, but Blaine had followed Sam at a distance until they'd reached the locker room; for whatever reason they always seemed to meet up there nowadays.

Blaine still didn't say anything as they stripped down at their own lockers and stepped into the showers. He picked the shower a stall away from Sam, but close enough to talk when he finally found his voice. It certainly wasn't the wisest or best place to have a conversation, but he missed joking around with Sam during the day. Now he really had nobody to talk to, even on a surface level. There were only his own depressing thoughts to keep him company, and despite thinking he didn't deserve to have any comfort, he still longed to have the one guy around who seemed to want to be his friend.

"S- Sam?"

On the other side of the empty stall between them Sam paused in his washing, cupping the bar of soap in his hands.

"I know you know guys don't generally talk in here," Sam mumbled awkwardly. "Kurt didn't seem to get that, but I _know_ you do, so… "

Blaine cleared his throat and tilted his head under the hot spray of water, letting it run over his back and loosen the gel holding his unmanageable, embarrassing frizzy curls in place.

"I know. Just– " He hesitated to say anything, because this _was_ awkward. If anyone else had been in here, even one of the Glee Club guys, Blaine would have kept his mouth shut and found Sam at another time. But he knew Sam was cool with him, knew the other boy wanted to be friends the same way he did.

"Wolverine and Cyclops?" Sam asked suddenly, still not looking over at him.

"Best guys around," Blaine said softly.

They didn't say anymore after that. Not until they were out of the showers, dressed and in the hallway heading towards the student parking lot.

"I was a little harsh the other day," Sam apologized, rubbing the back of his neck and staring at the floor.

Blaine shook his head as they pushed the doors open. A rough blast of wind smacked him in the face, and for a moment Blaine desperately wished he had one of his scarves. Then he remembered he'd made Kurt take all of them to New York a few months ago. He briefly paused to wonder if he'd ever get them back, or if somehow he and Kurt would someday share one again.

"I needed it," Blaine told him gratefully. He didn't add that Sam's words had meant more to him than anything else had in weeks. Sam had said those things out of a place of caring, and to Blaine it felt like nobody had done that in months. He'd been brushed aside or talked at or over ever since Kurt had left, except with Sam. The other boy might not understand what was wrong, but he'd always greeted Blaine with a smile.

"I… I still don't know what's going on with you and Kurt, dude, but… if you ever need someone to talk to… " Sam trailed off, leaving their growing bond unspoken as they journeyed into the parking lot.

"Do you want a ride?" Blaine offered as they stopped at his car. "It's getting pretty cold out."

"Yeah, thanks," Sam agreed. "I really miss having Finn and… Kurt around so I don't have to walk."

"I can drive you," Blaine told him, trying to sound nonchalant as he unlocked the doors and settled into the driver's seat.

They didn't talk much during the drive to the Hummel-Hudson house. Blaine just pulled over and let Sam out instead of lingering. He didn't think Burt would want to see him, and Kurt's father certainly didn't need the added stress on his heart from an unexpected arrival by Blaine, the boy responsible for his son's broken heart.

Sam hopped out and shouldered his bag, pausing before he closed the door.

"Burt doesn't hate you," he said with such certainty that Blaine's neck cricked loudly as he jerked his head around. "He hasn't said anything, but I've heard him talking to Kurt on the phone a few times. Arguing, really, 'cause I don't think Kurt wants to talk about you, but Burt doesn't hate you for whatever you did. He's mad, but he still likes you."

The passenger side door closed softly and Blaine was left sitting there, watching Sam head inside. Before the door closed Blaine spotted Carole, a sad smile on her face as she caught sight of him.

He didn't deserve any of their sympathy or affection. They should hate him even more than Kurt did. Burt and Carole hadn't loved him as deeply as Kurt had. There was no reason they'd still like him, but…

Blaine trusted Sam's words. So far they hadn't led him wrong, even if he was still struggling to figure out how to like himself. It was only after he'd given himself a real reason to hate himself that he realized he'd never truly, completely liked who he was in the first place.

* * *

The Halloween party with Chase didn't pan out at all like Kurt had expected it. Kurt had made a point to inform Chase that they were going just as friends, but it was still awkward. They hadn't talked about it afterwards, but Kurt knew if he'd wanted a chance of another date he'd blown it.

Chase and he stayed friends, though, and were buddies at work, which helped Kurt distract himself from his thoughts. But by the middle of November, his distractions were wearing off and Blaine was cropped up in his thoughts more often than not.

Kurt heard from Finn regularly, mostly about the upcoming musical at McKinley and how he was coping with his substitute role as Glee club leader for the month. His step-brother never mentioned Blaine, or his role in the production, but Kurt assumed he had snatched the lead once more. The idea made a little anger simmer in the pit of Kurt's stomach, despite how proud he'd been of Blaine the previous year. He wished he had it as easy to pass as straight and masculine. Kurt was proud and happy with who he was, but he'd always been slightly jealous of Blaine in that regard. The fact that Blaine had probably outshone everyone a few weeks after breaking his heart only made him angrier.

When Kurt arrived home late on a Thursday evening in the middle of November, Rachel was on the phone, a huge grin on her face as she finished making something for dinner.

Kurt dropped his bag and boots off in his curtained off room and headed back out to see what was cooking.

"Vegan chicken pot pie!" Rachel hollered, still beaming, her phone now on the counter. "Smells awesome, right?"

Kurt took a whiff of the aroma and nodded, helping her gather two plates and dish out two portions for them. They each grabbed a drink from the refrigerator and then sat cross-legged at their little coffee/dining table.

"So, who was on the ph– oh, this is _delicious_," Kurt moaned, shoveling another forkful into his mouth. "Wow, this is the first vegan thing you've made that didn't make me want to gag."

Rachel mock-glared at him for his comment, but then broke out into a smile again. "Santana's thinking about trying a semester in New York in the winter."

"What? Really?"

"Yeah, she's looking into NYU and a few others," Rachel continued excitedly, eating another forkful. "She said she loves being in college, but she'd rather have a few friends around and that she'd move in with us."

"But– where would her room be?" Kurt said in alarm, looking around the loft.

They'd sectioned off their own rooms in the back side, and left the front as their living room and kitchen area. There really wasn't anything else they could shift to add a third room as far as Kurt could tell.

"I– well, she could share my space," Rachel said uncertainly, looking around. "And if you and I flipped sides we could expand the one room out into the living room a bit and split it."

Kurt followed the lines Rachel was pointing out as he chewed, and thought over what she was saying.

"Actually, we could shift where our curtains are," Kurt said thoughtfully. "If they faced the door we could add a third room in the middle. Less privacy, though."

"Not like either of us have a reason for privacy right now," Rachel grumbled sullenly.

"I thought you and Brody were… yanno, dating or something," Kurt mentioned.

"We're… it's complicated," Rachel decided. She pursed her lips, looking defensive. "Have _you_ called Blaine?"

Kurt's expression turned stony at her words. Since Halloween, he'd pushed that aside all thoughts of love and romance and the boy he'd left behind in Lima. Dwelling on Blaine wasn't going to help him move beyond this or accept it and so he stopped doing it. But Rachel's words nagged at his brain, because even now he felt like he still owed Blaine that closure and a real goodbye.

"I– "

His words were cut off by the buzz of his phone on the table. Before Kurt could pick it up, Rachel snatched it and the hopeful, mischievous smile on her face faded slightly.

"Who– "

"It's Tina," she told him, looking disappointed.

Surprised by her answer, Kurt took back his phone, opened the message, and read its contents.

"The musical starts this weekend," Kurt informed his roommate. "She wanted to know if she should save us two seats."

"Oh, yes! I _need_ to see this!" Rachel said loudly, eyes gleaming with manic excitement. "I can help with their vocals, because I love Finn and all, but he's no vocal coach. Hopefully Blaine helped them with their singing. He's always been– "

But she stopped at the look on Kurt's face.

His chest had tightened as soon as Rachel had mentioned Blaine's name. Any prolonged discussion involving Blaine made him feel sick with regret and anger. Kurt loved the idea of going to support their friends with this year's musical, but the thought of being so close to Blaine made his stomach ache. It was easy to avoid thoughts of Blaine and things that reminded him of Kurt as long as he was in New York. There was very little here that was connected to Blaine, but in Lima…

Memories would pop up everywhere. Every inch of that town held some sort of connection to Blaine, and even worse, what would he do when Blaine inevitably tried to talk to him in person?

Ignoring several text messages a day was simple, easy. At this point Kurt didn't even think about it anymore. He hit ignore without a glance and continued on with his day. Part of him was furious about the action, because he realized it was a habit he had started long before Blaine's visit, but for now it eased the ache tangled up in his chest.

Being face to face, seeing the same painful tears and sorrows reflected back to him in Blaine's eyes, wasn't something he would be able to ignore. Not when he was still desperately in love and hating that he couldn't have that happiness in his life anymore.

"Kurt, we don't… if you don't think you can handle seeing him… "Rachel trailed off awkwardly, looking concerned.

Her words surprised Kurt quite a bit considering how adamant she'd been about him talking to Blaine since the middle of October. For a few moments, Kurt thought about everything; how he was feeling, how he felt a little stronger and surer. He'd just have to avoid being alone with Blaine at all costs; avoid eye contact and any conversation. If he didn't he'd say something awful in front of everyone, and despite Blaine's infidelity, he didn't want the wrath of New Directions and all of his friends crashing down on Blaine.

"No, I… we should go," Kurt decided finally, his voice soft and a little dull. "They need all the support they can get, and it'll be great to see Mike and Mercedes and Santana… "

Rachel's face slowly broken out into an enormous grin and before Kurt knew it she was bouncing and squealing in excitement as she dug her own phone out and called Tina.

* * *

Kurt and Rachel left early the next morning. The train ride was long, but enjoyable with each other's company. Kurt was simply glad that he'd already had Friday off. After finishing his work's most recent deadline early, and having several near all-nighters, Isabelle had granted her group a long weekend. Rachel had been surprisingly smart with her scheduling for a first semester student and had no classes on Fridays.

It was early evening when they rolled off the train with their suitcases and the first thing Kurt saw through the fading sunlight was the faded red baseball cap he'd given his father almost a decade ago. A heartwarming sensation coursed through Kurt as his father's beaming face came into view next. It had been a full two months since he'd felt so relieved and safe.

"Kurt!"

Before Rachel had even spun around, Kurt darted off at his father's call, his suitcase bumping and rattling behind him, feeling for just a few moments, like he was a small boy again, rushing to great his father at the shop when his mother had brought him for a visit.

"Dad!" Kurt shouted joyfully, flinging himself into his father's waiting arms as his suitcase toppled over beside them.

Burt huffed loudly at the collision, but squeezed him tightly. A few hot tears ran down Kurt's cheeks as they stayed like that, wrapped up together, warm and safe and finally sure of everything in the world for once. It was almost impossible to be mad at Blaine when he was back with his father like this – almost as if he could pretend it was still his senior year and he and Blaine were teetering on the cusp of a physical relationship beyond frantic make-outs and fumbling hump sessions.

"Hey, bud," Burt greeted, finally pulling back a few steps and holding him at arm's length. He gave a low whistle. "Look at you! God, you look so grown up already."

"Thanks," Kurt gushed, wiping his tears and smiling slightly.

Rachel's suitcase rattled up behind him and Burt stepped aside to give her a hug as well. He looked quite surprised at the changes to her wardrobe, and Kurt had to admit that if Burt had noticed then it was definitely a little drastic.

"God, you two are so grown up looking now… "Burt trailed off, looking a little melancholy. "Come on, your Dads and Carole are making a big fancy feast for us. Yes, it's healthy and good for my heart," Burt added as Kurt opened his mouth to protest.

Burt smiled pleasantly and hugged Kurt tightly again, his grip strong and firm. For a split second Kurt shut his eyes and breathed in, hoping for Blaine's scent to wash over him, but he was met with the strong smell of oil and tire rubber.

A sad, knowing smile was on Burt's face when they pulled away and followed Rachel to the car.

"It's okay to miss him," Burt said quietly.

"I don't– " Kurt began to vehemently deny, his throat tight and dry. He quickly deflated at the look Burt gave him, his shoulders slumping as Burt slid his suitcase into the trunk with Rachel's.

"It's _okay_ to miss him, Kurt," Burt repeated until Kurt nodded shakily, and accepted a third hug. "It's okay to hurt and be furious and upset and feel however you're feeling right now, okay? Just, promise me, when the hurt eases and the anger isn't so hot, talk to him. He's a good guy, and as stupid as this was, I know in my gut it's more complicated than just sex."

"I– Dad– "

"You don't have to say anything, just remember that when you _are_ ready to talk to him," Burt finished, squeezing his shoulder and then motioning for him to get in the car.

Kurt obeyed and hopped in, half dozing with his jumbled thoughts during the ride back into town. Dinner was fantastic despite his distractions and seeing Rachel and her Dads was quite entertaining after several months away. It struck Kurt hard how life in Lima had continued to carry on without him there to see it. His father's business was growing, Carole had been given a promotion, there was a new, very fashionable couch in the living room and a new sink in the bathroom upstairs. For some reason Kurt had thought that without him there to see the changes and the progression, that life would have held still in Lima until he returned, only to pick back up where it had cut off when he'd last departed.

But it hadn't. Blaine's life hadn't either, even if he'd tried to imagine it had, and that nothing was wrong between them. Not being there to see things change didn't stop them from happening.

* * *

After a rough night, Kurt was exhausted. He spent the day with Rachel and the other graduates, eating lunch at _Breadstix_ and hanging out at the mall to catch up. It was great to see everyone, even if they had no idea about what had happened between him and Blaine.

They split early in the afternoon, those helping with the musical heading to McKinley to prepare for opening night and the others heading back to Kurt's for dinner and a few movies. Dinner ended up being pizza and more breadsticks, and by the time the hour arrived to leave, Kurt was filled with an unmistakable dread.

He'd have to see Blaine tonight, even if no words were exchanged between them. Blaine would be up on that stage, charming and smiling as he made the audience swoon with _Beauty School Drop Out_ and Kurt would be out there, too, hoping his heart wouldn't surrender itself back into Blaine's clutches.

Overall, the musical was fantastic for its opening night in Kurt's opinion. Ryder and Marley still had a lot of progress to make in their acting and dancing, but they both did quite well. It surprised Kurt slightly to realize that Blaine hadn't been given the male lead. He couldn't imagine Blaine not auditioning for it, especially without Kurt there, but either he hadn't or he'd blown his audition. Still, when Blaine and Sugar appeared on stage with their blinding white couch Kurt tensed, teeth gritted and hand clutching Rachel's tightly.

"Look at how cute Sugar looks," Rachel commented in a whisper, rubbing his arm and trying her best to relax him.

But the music was starting, and Kurt's jaw was clamped shut tight as his lungs felt like they were shriveling in his chest. He could barely handle this. It felt like his insides were caving in on his heart. The last time Blaine had performed with Kurt there had been at _Callbacks_ and it had been the most overemotional, heartbreaking performance Kurt could ever recall Blaine giving. And now he knew why and there was no going back to that, to how they were.

His teenage dream was over, that chapter was closed and tainted by an unexpected and painful ending. Nothing was going to bring back the carefree love from their high school days together.

After the musical ended Rachel forced Kurt to hang around to congratulate everyone, and Kurt was dreading when they finally caught up with Blaine. But Blaine didn't show up back stage. He wasn't in any of the dressing rooms either. Rachel was quite upset about it, and judging by the looks she kept shooting Kurt, he had an idea of why. She wanted to play mediator between them and solve all of this at once. That wasn't going to happen though. Kurt still didn't know if he wanted to rebuild and mend what had been ruined.

After an hour of hanging out and waiting to see if Blaine would appear, Rachel found Sam, who looked uncomfortable at the question.

"He probably left," Sam said awkwardly. "Seeing you," he nodded towards Kurt, "out in the audience really threw him. He was a wreck after his scene. Took me almost the rest of the play to get him to stop berating himself."

Kurt bit his lower lip, but said nothing at the look Rachel was giving him. So what if Blaine had freaked out? He _should_ feel terrible, like a monster after what he'd done. Knowing Blaine had felt that horrible should fill Kurt with some sort of warm satisfaction, but it didn't. If anything, Kurt only felt emptier, carved out and depleted.

"You did great tonight," Kurt offered as Sam stood up from his make-up table and got ready to leave.

"Thanks," Sam said. "Blaine helped me a ton."

"I– I'm sure he did," Rachel agreed, glancing at Kurt's miserable expression. "It's been great seeing you!"

She and Sam exchanged a brief hug and Kurt found himself being squeezed tightly by Sam a moment later. The embrace was short, and then Kurt was alone with Rachel again.

"Please, I am _begging _you," Rachel pleaded, tears sparkling in her eyes. "Just _call_ him, even if the only thing you say is that you hate him and it's over forever. Just say _something_ instead of more nothing."

A swift kiss was pressed to his cheek and then Rachel was gone, racing to catch up to Sam like she knew something Kurt didn't. Kurt remained where he was backstage, watching the curtains to the stage fluttering slightly and remembering this time last year. He'd been in this same spot, watching Blaine through a part in the curtains as he practiced the dance move he'd messed up. Last year he'd thought his heart was going to fall out of his chest from the way it had ached, but now he knew it never would have. It had stayed lodged in place a year longer so that it could plunge itself repeatedly into a bucket of frigid water.

To Kurt's surprise, Blaine appeared across the stage, shoving through the curtains without noticing Kurt's presence through his small gap. Kurt said nothing, throat tight and eyes burning. The urge to stomp out to him, slap him a handful of times, and cry was almost overwhelming. Then he could fall into Blaine's arms and be sure that he' d be put back together again, stronger and braver than before. But he couldn't do that, not when someone else had enjoyed the warmth of Blaine's embrace.

From a distance Kurt watched Blaine pace across the stage, hair standing on end, eyes rimmed red and marked by dark, heavy bags like he hadn't slept in several weeks. Kurt imagined he probably hadn't. He knew Blaine's heart and his soul, better than Blaine himself in most ways – now that he was thinking it, maybe that was the problem – and he knew the guilt from his actions would gnaw at every piece of Blaine until there was no part of him left. It hurt Kurt even more to see Blaine so devastated by his own actions and, despite his own anger, Kurt couldn't hate him in that moment. He desperately wanted to forgive Blaine for everything, but he didn't know how, if he should, or even if he could.

Instead he watched for a few minutes longer as Blaine started to work on a move just like last year. He was always so hard on himself, so desperate to be perfect in the hopes that it would make everyone love him. Kurt wished he wouldn't. He'd always loved Blaine as much at his worst as his best.

A swear and thump jolted Kurt from his thoughts and he saw Blaine had fallen over after missing a step, flat on his back. His fists slammed down into the wood angrily, and his head followed.

"Fuck, you're such an idiot, Blaine," Kurt heard the other boy remark furiously, his voice somehow sounding weak despite his anger.

Kurt watched as Blaine rolled onto his side, facing away from him and curled in on himself. It took every angry bit of Kurt not to march out there and comfort the boy he still loved. He couldn't anymore. Blaine wasn't just his. This boy had broken his heart and let himself be someone else's, and despite his reasons for doing so, Kurt couldn't acknowledge those yet.

Still, his phone was in his hand a few seconds later as Blaine's furious words to himself dissolved into tears and heart-wrenching sobs. Across the stage, Kurt heard Blaine's phone begin to ring as he pressed his own to his ear.

Blaine scrambled to dig the device out of his pocket when "Teenage Dream" filled the auditorium, and Kurt's chest tore open at the sight and the song filling his head. It felt so wrong now, so tainted and no longer theirs.

"H- hello?" Blaine's voice came through the phone as Kurt watched him drag his sleeve under his nose. A shaky breath rattled in Kurt's ear before he spoke. It felt odd to him to finally be calling when he could just as easily take ten steps and see Blaine face to face.

"I don't hate you," Kurt whispered.

"Y- you– Kurt, I– "

"Don't," Kurt breathed, wiping his own eyes as Blaine sat up some and pulled his knees to his chest. "I can't, not now."

Kurt didn't know why he was saying it, not after all of the nights he'd imagined saying the absolutely worst things to Blaine when he did finally call. None of his anger actually made in through, though. That would have to be in person, with fury and tears and apologies. Or maybe never at all. He didn't know anything beyond how much he hated the pain slicing between them and through each of them. Seeing Blaine so destroyed was just as gut-wrenching as feeling his own pain, and he almost managed to hate that – hate that Blaine was so much a part of him that he felt Blaine's raw emotions as powerfully as his own.

"Kurt, p- please, I'm– "

"Don't call me again. W- we… we aren't boyfriends right now," Kurt said firmly, surprised by how strong his voice sounded with the command. "Just… when I'm ready to talk, I'll call you."

"I– o- okay," Blaine choked out, and even if Kurt hadn't been staring out at him on the stage he would have felt the way Blaine shattered at his words – the same way his own heart had splintered at Blaine's words in Battery Park.

"You were great tonight," Kurt added instinctively. "No flubbed moves or anything. Don't beat yourself up over that."

"Wh– Kurt, are you– "

He hung up quickly as Blaine started twisting around on stage, squinting out past the lights towards the audience to see if he could spot Kurt. Before Blaine spun around to look back stage Kurt was gone, rushing out with damp cheeks and a chest swelling with words he still didn't know how to say or understand.

Time was what Kurt still needed. Whether that meant moving on and forward and figuring out a way back to how their love had been, Kurt wasn't sure. The only certainty he had was that he couldn't linger with this any longer. He'd made the call and if Blaine respected his words and let him be free to internalize and focus on himself, then maybe Blaine would do the same. When they finally came back together, they might talk and cry as two matured men instead of the heartsick boys they still stumbled back into.

* * *

It took all of Blaine's self-control to respect Kurt's wishes after that evening. The unexpected phone call had thrown Blaine completely off-balance and the next two performances as Teen Angel were much less suave. Artie and Finn said little about the flubs and changes, knowing that Kurt's presence had messed with his head in ways they didn't grasp.

He hadn't been expecting any of what had happened on opening night. Not the visit, or the phone call, or the words that had cut through him and still given him something to cling to for _someday_; whenever that someday was and even if it was only a friendship.

The rest of their opening weekend went better, especially Sunday for Blaine. It took those first twenty-four hours of running over Kurt's words, analyzing, re-analyzing, and overanalyzing until he finally accepted Kurt's need to define their space and distance. The problem for Blaine was that only left him with his own torment and depressed thoughts. It was hard to be a charming Teen Angel on stage without feeling like he had to completely erase himself. Finding out that he couldn't do so after becoming so good at doing the same thing when he'd transferred to Dalton a few years ago was frightening. There was no hiding the open wound on his chest, still raw and full of exposed nerves he sliced open. With Kurt's love and acceptance, he'd begun to unbury the past he'd wanted to forget, and while a ton had still gone unsaid, he couldn't force it back into its tomb anymore without risking the loss of himself.

After the midday performance on Sunday, Blaine lumbered down to the locker room for a shower, not surprised to find Sam following along in his wake, still clad in his leather jacket, tight, torn jeans, and slick greaser hair.

"That was the best yet, I think," Sam greeted, face flushed with success as they pushed through the locker room door and turned down the middle aisle.

"Yeah, it was… everyone's really doing great on their vocals," Blaine responded, trying to sound cheerful. "Ryder especially; he was a good choice."

"A good _second_ choice," Sam reminded him, nudging Blaine playfully. "Not that you should have taken it, but… "

"I can't– "

"– handle it right now, I know," Sam finished sadly. "You would have been awesome if things had been different," he decided, before adding, "even if you're a little short for Danny."

"Hey! I am _average_ – "

"Maybe in the Philippines," Sam laughed.

"You're just all giants," Blaine complained, tugging his shirt over his head and exchanging it and his shoes for his towel and shower supplies.

"No way, man," Sam argued. "Even Coach Beiste is taller than you."

"She's _huge_," Blaine laughed. "Like, her and Coach Sylvester are the tallest women I've ever met. They're taller than _you, _too."

Sam paused after that, closing his locker and draping his towel around his neck. "It's about time you laughed again," he commented, moving past Blaine and into the shower stalls.

The words were almost like a physical blow. They hurt to hear and realize the truth they were weighted with. He hadn't laughed since… the Senior President elections, and not really laughed since that last night spent with Kurt. Why had one change, one monumentally good change for his… for Kurt, hollowed him out so completely?

Blaine followed Sam into the empty shower stalls, passing by the vacant one and leaving it as a buffer between them. He knew Sam wouldn't have cared at this point whether or not they showered in stalls next to each other, but at the same time Blaine was entirely aware of etiquette in the locker room and how it would look to anyone who came in while they were showering.

They were silent as they stripped off their pants and boxers and began showering in their separate stalls. For Blaine, it was a relief to have the steaming water running over his back and soothing some of the tension from his muscles.

That was part of the reason his performances hadn't been on par with opening night and especially his role as Tony last year. He was too tense in his movements, his mind falling partially into step as Teen Angel for the short time, but his body unable to loosen for even a moment. Nothing flowed like it should and he wasn't light on his feet. He was stiff and unfocused and entirely thankful he hadn't been the lead this year. Seeing Kurt out in the audience for the entire play and having to pretend like nothing was wrong would have been impossible. Danny having a breakdown midway through Greased Lightning would have been a travesty.

Through the hiss of steam and the thunder of water, Blaine heard Sam's voice, indistinct and muffled.

"Sorry, what?" he spluttered, yanking his head from under the shower head and blinking the water out of his eyes.

"Kurt's your Eden, dude," Sam said in awe.

Blaine glanced over despite himself, and saw Sam, large mouth wide open and now slowly overflowing with water as he stared at the tiled wall beyond the spray.

"Come again?"

Blaine quirked an eyebrow as Sam turned his gaze towards him, looking certain and impressed with himself.

"Kurt's your Eden, like, garden of Eden," Sam elaborated. "You do know what that– "

"Yeah, I know," Blaine cut in, completely puzzled by Sam's words. Kurt wasn't a garden or a trouble free sanctuary. "What are you– "

"He's your sanctuary," Sam told him with certainty. "Like, no, hear me out, okay?"

Blaine nodded hesitantly and began lathering shampoo between his hands while Sam talked.

"Okay, so you probably always thought of Dalton as your safety place, right?" Sam asked. He didn't wait for a nod, but continued on as Blaine started to massage shampoo into his gelled hair. "But it wasn't, man. You had to be their leader and all of that instead of being you. So then you met Kurt, and _he's_ your Eden. He's where you were safe and happy, but then you had to fall, 'cause that's how the story works. And it's good to fall and get kicked out of the garden," Sam said thoughtfully, "because you weren't making your own decisions while you were in there and you were carefree and you weren't changing or growing. You just stayed the same, or that's how you've been since I met you, at least."

Sam turned to him now and looked him right in the eye. "You've only and always been Kurt's Blaine. Kurt's boyfriend. You've never just been Blaine until he left for New York."

"I– That's– "

Blaine trailed off as Sam continued to form his analogy, and the more he listened the more it struck him how accurate it was.

"So you finally did whatever it was you did and you fell, dude. That was your apple," Sam told him. "So now you can change and grow and die and suffer until you reach eternity."

Blaine's shoulders sagged at that. He'd been hoping for some heart-warming, pleasant conclusion to Sam's theory, but that just made him feel worse.

"I think your eternity _is_ Kurt," Sam decided after a moment. "Only a different Kurt than you first knew, just like you're growing up into a different Blaine than Kurt first knew."

Those words struck Blaine hard, and for a split second his vision went fuzzy as he faded back to that day in the auditorium. During the hours before he'd poked Eli and received those messages he'd sat in their by himself, walked across the stage, and for brief, gut-wrenching moments he'd thought he'd seen Kurt. The Kurt he'd first met at Dalton, still in his spy outfit, but different. Like Kurt had outgrown that boy that Blaine craved to have near him, the one that understood everything about his fears and concerns. The boy that was still in line with the boy Blaine was.

"You're both trying to figure yourselves out now and once you do, you'll have your eternity together. You can't get back the paradise you lost, but if you two make amends, there's still that promise of forever."

Blaine stood there dumbstruck as Sam ducked his head into the water and fell silent. It was so simple, such a typical, ingrained story of western culture, and yet it fit. His serpent had been his own insecurities and loneliness. The apple and temptation had been cheating with Eli and once he'd done so, he'd made his first real choice for himself. It had been foolish and selfish and derived from unbearable loneliness, but it had been the step into a newer world for him. He was tumbling into a world where he was going to make his own decisions now, and grow just as Kurt had while they'd been together. That was why Kurt no longer fit into those fantasy moments, and Blaine realized that Sam was right in so many ways. His journey was one of forgiveness and maturity, Blaine realized, and until he was ready to love and accept himself he wouldn't have Kurt in his life the same way he had before.

He might not like what he'd done or what had happened since, but if nothing else it had a purpose. If he took this experience and learned and grew from it, he would become a better person, more worthy of Kurt's heart and soul and ready to face these huge obstacles as a stronger man.

"That was deep," Blaine deadpanned as Sam cut off his shower and started to dry off.

"It's an analogue," Sam chirped proudly. "We were talking about the Fall in my Bible study class this morning at church. It just struck me that it fit where you are."

"It's not an– analogy, Sam. It's an _analogy_," Blaine corrected with a shake of his head, feeling more amused than he had in a month.

Suddenly he knew what he had to do with himself, where he needed to direct his life and focus. Right now he couldn't dwell on Kurt and what-ifs and possibilities. He needed to learn to love himself better, to accept his failings and faults, and forgive himself for the terrible mistakes he'd made six weeks ago. Only then would Kurt be able to let him back into his heart. They both had parts of themselves to work on, and right now, they couldn't do that together.


	3. November, Part 2

A/N: Updating again! Slowly up surely spacing these out on here to post what's already up on tumblr.

We're still in November with this one. So a few notes with this one: there's a short little flashback with Blaine and Eli. Nothing too graphic, and mostly just a focus on Blaine's headspace and regret. Kurt, meanwhile, is meeting a new guy at _Callbacks._ You've been warned.

Enjoy!

Second Fall

The first thing Kurt became aware of when he and Rachel arrived back in New York was an abundance of mail and, more importantly, an envelope that made Rachel shriek so loudly, the window nearly cracked.

"Kurt, _Kurt_! You got another audition for NYADA!"

He barely managed to pull their suitcases into the loft before a shower of unopened mail rained down around them and Rachel was thrusting the boring looking envelope into his face. For a brief second, Kurt saw the words "NYADA Office of Admissions" before they became too blurry as Rachel shoved the letter up his nose.

"Hold on, would you? _Jeez_," Kurt griped, ditching their suitcases by the door and tugging the letter from Rachel's grip. "You don't even know what is says and– "

"There's no way you didn't get a second audition, Kurt," Rachel said sternly. "I'm still amazed you didn't get in last year. I… I honestly thought you'd get in and I'd be waitlisted or denied after my audition shamble."

Kurt pressed his lips together tightly at the reminder, knowing Rachel meant well with her words and that it wasn't necessarily her fault she'd been picked. But it still set his nerves on fire when he thought about the rejection. Hadn't he been incredible and impressed Carmen during his audition? She'd praised him and been quite pleased, but for whatever reason she'd pushed to have Rachel accepted. Kurt just didn't understand it, and even now, especially with his job going so well, he wasn't sure why he had reapplied at all. Maybe it was just to prove to himself that NYADA wasn't worth it, that he had a better, newer dream to follow now.

"It's over now," Kurt assured her softly. "It wasn't our decision, so… this," he said, voice growing stronger, "this is what matters right now."

"Open it!" Rachel urged, clutching his arm and beaming up at him.

"Just let me– "

Kurt's words trailed away as the thought fully formed in his head. He couldn't call Blaine and share this moment with him because acknowledging Blaine meant bringing all the wrongs and pain in with him. Swallowing thickly and now much less giddy, Kurt tore the envelope open and slid the letter out, half of his mind wondering about its contents and the other part wondering if Blaine would be receiving a letter from NYADA at some point in the next six months. They'd never even spoken about Blaine's plans beyond high school, nothing beyond him following Kurt to New York. A trickle of regret ran through Kurt at the thought of how much his happiness and wishes had defined their relationship. If only…

But he stopped himself there and opened the letter instead. He couldn't dwell on their past mistakes right now, not until he was ready to accept what it had amounted to and yell and then talk it out.

_"Dear Mr. Kurt Hummel,_" he began to read as Rachel held her breath at his side, "_we are pleased to–_I got another audition!"

Rachel screamed in excitement and flung herself fully into his arms. Hugging her back, Kurt clutched the letter tightly, his heart flooding with joy for the first time in over a month. It wasn't as strong and warm as what he was used to feeling, but compared to the nothing he had been feeling since the beginning of October it was fantastic to know it was still possible to feel so good.

"I can't believe it," Kurt said breathlessly as Rachel pulled back and dug her phone out.

"I've got to call Brody! He can help us prepare your audition!"

"I mean, I got the audition last time, but… somehow I didn't think I would again," Kurt mumbled to himself, staring down at the date and time for his audition. The sixth of December at six o'clock in the evening; in a little over three weeks he'd be performing on stage once more, possibly for the last time ever if he was once again rejected. His chest clenched tightly at the thought, knowing that this time there was no Blaine for him to cling to or Blaine's arms to hold him gently as he sobbed out his dejection. Not even his father would be near enough to hold him if the same dream caved in on him again.

"Brody? It's Rachel!" Rachel shouted, her voice high and ecstatic. "Kurt got his NYADA letter. He's got an audition for– "

At Rachel's questioning gaze Kurt supplied, "Sixth of December."

"– sixth of December," Rachel reiterated into her phone. "Do you think you could help us prepare something? He's got work a lot, but we can find a few nights a week, right?"

Kurt nodded, determined more than ever to prove to Carmen Tibideaux that while she'd made a good choice in Rachel, she'd completely missed out on having him as part of her school. He still had a letter from Parsons that had yet to arrive, after all, and if NYADA jerked him around once more, at least he had his new career with fashion to pursue and keep him sane.

* * *

During the following weeks, Kurt tried his best to focus entirely on his coming audition and work. Isabelle had been thrilled by his news, even if it meant losing him entirely or at least cutting back on his hours during the semester. She was quite happy to make his schedule work so that he stayed at her company, which surprised Kurt, but he didn't protest. He loved working there and helping to create new designs and newsletters for the website. It was a dream he'd never really understood having until he'd stumbled into it and it was the simple and absolute joy the job filled him with that made his positive that despite the outcome of his audition, he would be at Parsons in January for the Spring semester.

Brody had helped him a ton with preparing his audition, letting him and Rachel into the room where it would be held to see how the acoustics sounded and then helping him figure out his choreography for the number. It wasn't a particularly upbeat number, and Rachel had even tried to talk him out of singing it, but in his heart he knew it was the right choice. Madame Tibideaux might have mentioned it last year as one she heard too many times, but Kurt couldn't get the song out of his head ever since his iPod ad played it on shuffle several weeks prior. _Being Alive_ fit where he was right now, and if nothing else it helped him poor his pent up emotions into the performance.

After a late night dance rehearsal a week before Thanksgiving, Kurt and Rachel returned to their loft, exhausted but satisfied with their practice and with a box of pizza in tow. He was still limber and flexible enough to dance like he used to and it felt really great to be able to move that way again. Losing himself in the rhythm was soothing like nothing else had been in so long.

"Mmm, this pizza is always so good," Rachel gushed, nearly drooling as she gobbled down her first slice.

Kurt grabbed his own as he plopped down next to her and moaned in bliss as the taste hit his tongue. "God, I love New York pizza."

They ate in silence for several minutes, Rachel slowing down and beginning to shift uncomfortably at his side. When it became obvious that whatever was on her mind was going to have to be forced out of her, Kurt sighed and finished up his slice, turning to her with dread filling him.

"What?"

"I… I was wondering if you'd talked to Blaine s- since we visited," she mumbled uncertainly, already looking like she regretted asking.

"I– no," Kurt snapped harshly. At the way Rachel flinched at his anger, he added more kindly, "Sorry, I haven't. I just… I don't know how to talk to him without getting angry right now. I can't even think about anything to do with him, honestly."

Guilt squirmed restlessly in his chest at his words, because while they were true to some extent, they weren't entirely truthful. He did think about Blaine, when he saw a hideous outfit on the streets of New York, found a new coffee he liked, watched all of their favorite shows by himself, and most especially at night when he was trying to fall asleep and every thought that plagued him throughout the day closed in on him.

"Kurt… "

"Don't, I… I hate being mad at him even more than I hate what he's done," Kurt admitted quietly, staring fixedly at his lap, fingers rubbing over his sweatpants absentmindedly. "I love him more than anything and that's what makes this so hard, isn't it? He's the one person I could go to when things are this terrible, but he's the one that caused it this time."

Rachel nodded in understanding and latched onto his arm, hugging it and rubbing the back of his neck.

"Maybe you just need to yell at him, and have him yell back at you, then when you've both said how much you're hurting, you can start to figure out how to be friends again?" Rachel suggested. "You can't avoid the worst of the pain forever, Kurt. Love is only as fantastic at its best as it is horrible at its worst."

Kurt said nothing in response, wondering who had told Rachel such a thing or if she'd figured it out with her experiences with Finn. Somehow he didn't think the latter was the case since all they did was hurt each other repeatedly without ever progressing or getting better. To him, Finn and Rachel had always seemed like a fantasy, something they both thought they needed, when in reality it only made their lives twice as difficult and hard.

"I… Isabelle let me have another three day weekend," Kurt mentioned, still picking at his jeans. "I still have to work Thanksgiving, but I… Maybe I'll call him and tell him I'll be in town Friday through Sunday morning." He paused and stared over at the empty side of the table across from him, imagining for a moment, like he had so many times in those first weeks, that Blaine was there, smiling serenely and reaching across the table for his hand. "I miss him so much, Rachel. Everything in me _aches_ to have any part of him back in my life."

"Then get all of this agony out," Rachel pleaded gently. "Let him hear it, and acknowledge it, and please, do the same for him. I know there's more to him cheating than what you think. It wouldn't be like Blaine if it was just for sex, he's too in love for you to just need something physical."

Kurt sniffed loudly and wiped his nose on his sleeve, nodded shakily and accepted another slice of pizza that Rachel forced on him. Considering the conversations they'd had before they'd first started having sex, Kurt didn't doubt that was true. He'd call Blaine before he left next week, once their friends were cleared out and he had decided what exactly he needed to say over the phone.

* * *

After the production of Grease ended, Blaine spent a lot of time by himself in the days that followed. He kept playing over the weeks leading up to his cheating and remembering how he'd felt and why he'd felt that way. The biggest problem he faced with doing so was the unbearable urge to run from all of it. That was how he had always dealt with the hard, painful moments of his life, and acknowledging that part of himself had to come first, only he didn't know how.

Sam kept him company throughout the day at school and made sure he was there to joke with during rehearsals for Sectionals and afterschool meetings as President and Vice President. But less than a week after the musical ended, something unexpected happened that made Blaine realize just how strong his urge to run was and just where it was he wanted to run to.

The Warblers, apparently with a new ruler to guide them, had broken into the McKinley choir room and stolen their Nationals trophy. Finn, their acting club leader, had wanted to instantly run over there and confront them, but Blaine had stepped in. Part of him thought he knew what this was about, and part of him also acknowledged that this moment couldn't have come at a better time. He'd wanted to focus on himself, after all, and the best way to do so was to face his largest obstacle first: the need to run from difficulty.

His first trip over to Dalton was by himself, without his phone or any other distractions. Blaine thought it might have been a bad idea not to mention to anyone at McKinley that he was heading over to take their trophy back or to at least open a dialogue over the fiasco, but he needed this moment by himself, to prove that he could grow stronger and acknowledge his own impulses without giving into them constantly.

Instead of the warm reception he'd received last year, this time they all appeared to be waiting and while the guys still around that he remembered smiled and greeted him, Blaine felt cold as he joined them in the practice hall.

"I'm only here to bring back our Nationals trophy," Blaine told them seriously. "I don't know why you guys thought it was a good idea to take it. If you wanted to see me, you could have just– "

"But we want to do more than see you once, Blaine," an unfamiliar boy told him. The other boys parted around him and Blaine found himself staring at a young man in an armchair with a white cat perched in his lap. If he hadn't known this was real life, he would have slapped himself and laughed. "We've tempted you here with an offer. We'd like to have our best soloist back permanently. A last stellar run for your senior year."

The temptation he'd been feeling since October rose up and began clawing at the inside of his skull, desperate to accept the offer and forget he'd ever left this place, this sanctuary– no. That wasn't right. This place had sheltered him, but it had also hidden him from himself and the world. If he ever wanted to like and know himself again, he had to let this go.

"I– I'm just here to get our trophy back," Blaine said carefully, trying to keep the longing from his voice. He couldn't go back to how he had been, not after Kurt, even if that time in his life was over.

"Come on," Sebastian encouraged, appearing at his side. A warm Dalton blazer was draped over his shoulders and Nick helped him into it. He found himself unable to protest the action, welcoming the old comfort of the uniform and the seamless ability it gave him to blend into the crowd. He wasn't Blaine Anderson, boy with the broken heart and mind, when he had this on. He was Blaine Warbler, fantastic soloist and lead for a group of guys that adored his performances. They encouraged his falsities without realizing what it meant and that it wasn't the boy cowering, but still alive in Blaine's heart.

As he'd begun defining his thoughts and the mask he'd adopted the Warblers had joined around him, and started to sing, softly and in their varying a capella pieces until Blaine felt a hum coursing through his body. It was haunting to him, to hear and feel so completely different in their presence than he had last year and especially two years ago. Blaine knew the song, knew what was meant by the Warblers taking up their places behind him, and despite the sick feeling in his stomach, he let himself sing.

"_There's a place that I know_

_It's not pretty there and few have ever gone_

_If I show it to you now_

_Will it make you run away"_

Blaine wasn't sure what the Warblers intended with their song choice, but it tied so well into himself where he was stuck presently that he felt something within his chest pulling apart, wrenching itself open and letting some unacknowledged part of himself out.

_"Will you return_

_And remind me who I really am?_

_Please, remind me who I really am"_

Dalton had fed all of his insecurities, hadn't it? Without staying here for so long he wouldn't have closed in on himself further. The lingering doubts of not being good enough wouldn't have grown with every week while the Warblers needed him to be their leader and not who he was. By the time Kurt had swooped in and caught him it had been too late. He'd lost too much time to be able to heal and function well enough to handle where they were headed and had ended up a few months ago.

For all its niceties and protection, Dalton had darkened his life in multiple ways, cutting him off from himself and then separating his self so deeply that the only person he could connect with had to be as broken and lost as he was. Only Kurt hadn't sunk down into his isolation, he'd had Blaine to help him find his way back to life and change and Blaine had refused to find a way to follow, had not even understood that was a problem and resolution he needed until he destroyed his one link to the surface.

Now he had to find his own way back through himself and into someone stronger and more aware of himself.

When the song finished, the Warblers cheered and moved in for a group hug around him but Blaine didn't let it last. This wasn't where he belonged anymore, or what he needed. At fourteen, hiding had been a dream come true, being away from his father's disappointment and his mother's dejected looks and sighs that told Blaine how much she wished he was like Cooper.

"I'm sorry, guys," Blaine said, sliding the blazer off of his shoulders and handing it to Sebastian. "This isn't where I need to be anymore."

"Because of Kurt?" Sebastian hollered after his retreating form.

Blaine paused in the doorway and glanced back at the sad group. It struck him that he'd been so stupid not to realize how much of his life he'd defined by the boy who held his heart. How had he never realized it until Kurt had left? Or had he just been sweeping the truth aside because this had all been so difficult to face?

"No," Blaine admitted truthfully. "This time it's for me."

* * *

When Blaine returned to Dalton, it was with Sam by his side to steal their trophy back. The late night trip was a huge success, though it only proved to further the hostility between their respective groups. Blaine didn't fully understand why the two groups didn't get along as they once had. Two years ago they'd practically been friends, and then everything had fallen apart after _West Side Story_. He still didn't understand how it had happened, but maybe it was for the best. Now he could see how detrimental Dalton had been and would have been in the long run for his mental health. It was better that he was free of that now and able to realize himself.

Thanksgiving was rapidly approaching as Finn continued to try to prepare the group for Sectionals. It was obvious a task too big for him, and Blaine was glad to help at every opportunity because it meant having something to focus on when he wasn't working through his own feelings, and it gave him time to bond with Finn and Sam. Right now he needed friends and he knew it. Kurt still hadn't called, and while the thought still made a sharp pain run through his chest, it wasn't as bad as it had been. He'd had time to realize that he didn't have to run from the worst parts of himself now, and he knew Kurt was taking the time to right his head.

But getting past everything else he'd felt and was still feeling was proving to be much more difficult without talking it out with Kurt. Kurt was part of the feelings of neglect and hurt he'd experienced after their separation and his own guilt over trying to blame Kurt for his own mistake with Eli needed to be reconciled, too, before he could adequately begin to accept it and forgive himself for it.

For the holiday, Sam suggested they start a food drive as President and Vice President and Blaine latched onto the excellent idea. It gave him more time with the one friend he was really connecting with and Sam, despite still thinking it was a high school romance Blaine would eventually get over, was more sympathetic than before, even if he still didn't know what Blaine had done.

As they finished counting cans and boxes one afternoon a few days before Thanksgiving, Blaine slumped down at his own table with a sigh. It had been a particularly difficult day for him. The insecurities of being inadequate and never enough had come back full force that morning when his parents, who were actually staying home for the holiday this year, had informed him that his father's parents would be coming down and that Blaine ought to act "as much like Cooper as possible". To make matters worse, nightmares had started creeping into his sleep, either featuring Kurt ridiculing him for what he'd done and snarling his hatred at Blaine or of random, disembodied hands reaching out and trying to peel his clothing off of his body.

It was also the day Blaine had marked in his agenda as the day he would finally acknowledge that he was single once more by taking down the pictures in his locker.

The very thought made him sick because he knew his heart could never accept what his mind was learning to see.

Blaine followed Sam out into the hallway, trying his best to keep up the conversation of how successful the canned food drive was so far, but failing miserably. Sam seemed to realize he was entirely distracted as he turned off at his own locker. Even as he kept walking, Blaine felt Sam's eyes following him, worried and concerned. It felt nice knowing he'd made a deep enough connection with someone besides Kurt to have anyone care about him.

When he finally reached his locker, Blaine took his time putting in the combination and opening it. This was it, the next defining moment in his life, only now he was letting go of the best thing – the best person – he'd ever encountered and leaving their next moment together in Kurt's hands. For now, he would have to trust that Kurt would want that moment, too, and Blaine did trust him. He trusted Kurt more than anyone else, despite the ache still lingering in his chest.

With a soft, sad smile, Blaine peeled the first picture from the inside of his locker's door, brushing his thumb over their faces, smiling brightly and entirely unaware of where the future was directing them towards. If he'd known then, it wouldn't have changed his decision to love Kurt with his entire being or to transfer for the beautiful boy letting his younger self use his shoulder as a head rest. No amount of pain could ever replace or negate what they'd had, what Blaine still hoped they'd find a way back to some day.

"You're taking them down?" Sam asked sadly as he stopped by his side. "I didn't think you ever would. I mean, I know it's different with you two, but… "

"I've got to accept it for now," Blaine said softly, tucking the first photo into his bag. "There's no way he'll let me back into his heart if I don't figure myself out first."

"You keep saying that, and that was why you refused that Dalton offer," Sam said slowly, looking curious. "What exactly did you do? You've been beating yourself up over this for weeks."

"I– "

_An unfamiliar hand worked his shirt loose and ran up Blaine's back, over his spine and making him shudder. The other boy seemed to take it as a pleased shiver as he backed Blaine up towards the messy bed in the dim, untidy room._

_Blaine squeezed his eyes shut, tried to fill his senses with Kurt's scent and caresses and the way they soothed him like nothing else in the world. Instead, his stomach churned as his knees hit the edge of the bed and he forced the screaming in his head back down, squashing it like he had so many times before. After every nightmare about Sadie Hawkins, and the horrible fights with his father, like he tried to do with every nasty thought telling him he'd never amount to Cooper in his parents' eyes…_

_The illusion was shattered as soon as the other boy, Eli, spoke, his voice husky and rough in Blaine's ear._

_"I can't wait to make you feel good," he murmured. "So good. You want to feel good, don't you?"_

_Blaine found himself being pressed down into the bed, a sloppy, unfocused mouth sucking over his neck as a pair of hands started working his jeans open. He did want to feel good, anything was better than the unbearable ache and harsh knowledge that his love wasn't enough to keep Kurt in his life. He was never good enough, but that didn't mean he couldn't feel good before Kurt finally admitted the truth, that he wanted to break up with him, and shattered his heart fully._

"I cheated, Sam," Blaine admitted solemnly, eyes downcast as his fingers hovered over the last photo in his locker. "I cheated on the person I love more than anyone else in the world because I'd thought he'd stopped loving me, that I wasn't enough for him even though he was more than enough for me. I screwed up the greatest thing I'll ever experience in my life and now I have to accept it and find a way past it."

Blaine wasn't surprised when Sam didn't say anything in response. If the other boy turned about, walked off, and never spoke to him again, Blaine would fully understand. That was Kurt's response to the truth of Blaine's insecurities, that deep down he couldn't handle himself without someone else to guide him for more than a month. Sam refusing to speak to him now would make perfect sense to him. After all, nobody else in New Directions, or McKinley as a whole, went out of their way to speak to him or find out why he was so miserable. Telling Sam the truth would no doubt remove him from Blaine's life as well.

"A change of hair style probably wouldn't hurt," Sam mentioned, his hand cuffing Blaine on the shoulder and then tentatively brushing over Blaine's cemented down hair. "I mean, if you're figuring yourself out and all of that, you should probably figure out something better for your hair, dude. It's gonna fall out before you graduate from college if you keep doing that to it."

"I– you– aren't you going to stop speaking to me now?" Blaine stammered in amazement even as Sam continued to knock his knuckles against Blaine's stiff hair helmet.

"Why? You made a huge mistake, yeah, but it's obvious you regret it and you didn't want to hurt Kurt by doing it," Sam acknowledged. "You're a good guy, but that doesn't mean you're perfect. And you're trying to make things right with yourself and then Kurt when he starts talking to you, so," Sam shrugged slightly and smiled weakly at him. "I'm not turning my back on my best bro over one mistake."

"Thanks," Blaine whispered gratefully, his fingers prying the last picture from his locker. "That… that means a lot to me. Nobody else even bothers to ask what's wrong… "

"Wolverine and Cyclops, remember?" Sam said, attempting to sound cheerful as Blaine's gaze fell on the picture now in his hand. "Guess you kind of feel like the Na'vi did when their home tree was destroyed, huh?"

Blaine nodded slightly, understanding the reference. That was one of the greatest things about his friendship with Sam: they both got those same jokes or at least understood the attempt.

"I miss him more than anything," Blaine mumbled, staring down at their smiling faces one last time. It was his picture from the day he'd told Kurt to go to New York at the beginning of the school year. Kurt was in his adorable little hat and jacket, hugging Blaine to his side during their last moments together at McKinley. Later that evening, he'd helped Kurt pack with Burt and then spent what may very well have been his last night in the assurance of Kurt's warmth and love.

"You'll find a way back," Sam decided. "He'll call you soon, I bet. Maybe even tonight. Don't lose hope, right?"

Nodding once more, Blaine carefully tucked the photo into his bag with the others, his heart doing an uncomfortable tottering in his chest, one second lighter from the decision and then heavier than before, now that he was actually finding a way to leave what had been his entire life behind. For a few seconds, he wondered if Kurt had felt the same way once he'd been in New York, nostalgic about leaving Blaine, but happy at the same time to be making his life better. He hoped Kurt had realized it the way he was and that moving beyond Blaine and his high school world hadn't meant leaving him entirely behind like it had felt.

* * *

The Saturday before Thanksgiving, Rachel dragged Kurt out for the first time since October. It was only the insistence that he perform in public to get ready for his audition in a few weeks that really motivated Kurt to go. After almost two months of refusing Rachel's attempts to set him up with her classmates, he was glad to find her planning an evening without that intent. At least there was no guy meant for him that he was aware of yet.

They met Brody at their apartment for dinner that evening, got ready for _Callbacks_, and headed out to the little NYADA dive across town. The other two were quite excited for a night out, and despite all of the reminders of Blaine the little club held, Kurt tried his best to appear happy. This was one of the only places in New York that was connected to Blaine and the memories of how stupidly happy Kurt had been here while something was so obviously wrong with Blaine hurt. He should have seen it coming, should have known Blaine had done something terrible just by how he was acting, but he hadn't allowed himself to see that until Blaine actually admitted it.

His friends took the stage several times, as soloists and for a duet, and Kurt applauded politely, but inside he felt swollen and numb. The last time he'd watched Brody and Rachel sing together, Blaine had followed with _their_ song. Only it wasn't their song anymore, it was tainted by what Blaine had done and the agony in Blaine's voice as he began to crumble on that very stage. Kurt shivered and turned back to the little bar, about to ask for another soda since he wasn't legal to drink yet, when–

"Your friends are quite good," a smooth tenor said from the bar stool next to him.

Kurt turned slightly to see who was speaking to him and he paused at the sight of the man. He was handsome, about his age, with tastefully styled, messy blond hair and a charming smile. His stomach twisted at the sight, not unpleasantly, but it wasn't what Kurt would define as a swoop either. It certainly wasn't the reaction his body had had to Blaine the first day they'd met, but it was an interesting sensation nonetheless.

"They ought to be since they never stop. There's been more than one day where Rachel's woke me up at three in the morning with her vocal practice," Kurt griped, trying to sound detached but he was a little stunned to hear the teasing note in his own voice.

The man next to him laughed, his chuckle soft and easy and… comforting. It was similar to Blaine's, and even if the thought hurt, having that reminder ringing in his ears made Kurt feel safer.

"My name's Isaac. I go to NYADA," he introduced, holding out his hand for Kurt to shake.

"Kurt. Working at Vogue and reapplying to NYADA for the spring," Kurt supplied as another soda was placed in front of him. "Thanks," he said to the bartender.

"Ouch. I had to apply three times before they let me in," Isaac said sympathetically. "It's what I knew I wanted, though, and it's more than worth it. I guess you have an audition coming up soon?"

"Beginning of December," Kurt found himself answering. It was so strange to find himself talking to this stranger, this Isaac, after being caught up in his own little bubble since his break up. Part of him had forgotten any other world existed outside of his heartbreak, yet here this man was. Here were all of these happy, hopeful people looking to have a little fun. "They" – he gestured to where Rachel and Brody were dancing together – "are helping me with it. Rachel and I applied together last year. She got in, I didn't."

"That sucks," Isaac said. "My ex and I applied together. When he didn't get in, he stayed in St. Louis and I came here, not really knowing what I was going to do until my next audition. You've got a better handle on it than I did, if you're working at Vogue."

"I have an eye for fashion trends," Kurt said importantly, a small smile beginning to pull back his lips. He ducked his head to hide it. What was wrong with him? His heart was _broken_ and he was, what? Flirting with some random guy because of a smile and laugh that reminded him of the one he could no longer have?

"I can tell, that's a beautiful sweater," Isaac complimented. "I saw it from clear across the room and– oh, god. That sounds so cheesy, I'm sorry."

But Kurt was laughing at the horrible line, unintentional or not. Isaac ducked his head slightly, too, a bashful, yet sweet smile lighting up his face.

"I don't, uh, I don't usually talk to people in bars, so… "

"No, it's… it's fine," Kurt assured him. "It's nice to… just talk without… everything else that's been going on."

Isaac remained quiet for several seconds as another student took the stage for a slower, softer song. For whatever reason, Kurt couldn't take his eyes off the other man, who was clearly pondering the meaning of what Kurt had just said. It wasn't that Kurt was incredibly attracted to him, though he was certainly handsome. But he was nice, and seemed genuine so far. It wouldn't hurt to let himself forget everything else for a little while, would it?

" … Kurt?"

"What? Sorry?"

"Oh, I… I just wanted to know if you'd like to dance… with me? Maybe?"

A flash from his senior prom entered his mind. Blaine held close with a bushy head of hair against Kurt's neck as they enjoyed a final slow dance for the evening, and then Kurt was on his feet. He had to move on from that. High school was behind him now, and so was Blaine. Blaine had been behind him for a long time now, because despite his promises he'd left Blaine behind, and for now it was time to move on. He couldn't have helped that divide if he'd tried, but acknowledging it, and the part it had played in this, was a step forward. If that step took him towards Isaac or another man somewhere else in this huge city, then maybe Kurt would be all right with that.

* * *

Rachel rested her head against Brody's shoulder as they swayed slowly to the music. Pascal had taken over the piano, playing a soft, beautiful melody as most of the couples took to the floor for a romantic dance. It was still a little odd to her, being in another man's arms besides Finn's, but here in Brody's embrace, things were different, comfortable. Finn's arms had always felt nice and tight, but suffocating in other ways. With Brody she was freer, and it was almost perfect, if she dared to think it.

"Looks like Kurt's finally having a good time," Brody informed her quietly, his hand stroking through her hair gently.

"What?"

The chin resting on her head tilted up and jutted in the direction behind her.

"He's been talking and dancing with that guy for a while," Brody said.

Rachel twirled him around until she could see where he was looking and found a sad smile forming on her face at the sight. The man was cute, and Kurt was talking happily from what she could tell, but it still broke her heart to think of how much her best friend had lost with Blaine. She'd been encouraging him to move on for almost a month and now he finally was taking those first tentative steps. Thinking of the crushed look on Blaine's face made the entire moment bittersweet for her.

"I'm glad," she whispered in reply. "He needs to get out and figure out what he needs right now. I just wish… "

"That he and Blaine will find a way back to each other?" Brody remarked sadly.

She nodded as the song ended and they linked hands to head over to Kurt. It was getting late and they had a Thanksgiving meal to plan in the morning. After finding their way through the crowd, they stopped at Kurt's side, who was laughing along with the other man.

"I can't believe you did that!"

"Well, it wasn't my idea, I just went along with it so she didn't bite my head off– "

"Hello there," Rachel greeted, putting on her best smile and nudging Kurt intently. "Let's head on out, shall we? We've got lots of cooking to do tomorrow."

"Wh– oh, right," Kurt said, barely even acknowledging her at his side. He smiled over at the blond man, looking a little shy. "It was great meeting you, Isaac, but I'm being summoned so– "

Isaac smiled bashfully in return, but nodded. "No, that's fine. It's been fun. Yeah."

"Yeah," Kurt agreed, as Rachel yanked him up from his bar stool. "Well, I'll see you at NYADA some time."

"Definitely."

"Come _on_, Kurt," Rachel urged, smile still in place.

They were out of the club and halfway down the block, Kurt still looking a little dazed and breathlessly happy. Brody seemed fine with the new acquaintance Kurt had made and Rachel knew she should be, too, but it was hard. Blaine and Kurt were both her friends, and, as horrible as what had happened was, she still wanted them to work this out and be together again someday. But that couldn't happen if Kurt and Isaac– if her best friend fell for another guy–

Rachel huffed in frustration over her conflicting feelings, and then a voice called out behind them.

"Wait, Kurt!"

All three of them spun around, Kurt's face lighting up as Isaac came jogging towards them, his hand closed around something, waving in the arm.

"Y- you forgot your phone," he panted as he stopped next to them.

"Oh! Oh my god, thank you," Kurt gushed, his face heating up in a way that Rachel knew meant he'd left it on purpose. Well, she didn't know it for sure, but she had her suspicions. "Isabelle would have murdered me if she couldn't get in contact– "

"It's no problem, Kurt," Isaac replied and the genuine, hopeful smile on his face made Rachel's chest ache. She couldn't butt in and stop this, not if it made both of them happy, and this Isaac, he was already smitten. Maybe that _was_what Kurt needed right now, just like she'd found Brody without Finn. It didn't necessarily mean Blaine and Kurt were done forever, just that right now they needed to grow as individuals apart in order to begin growing together again.

"Thanks again," Kurt said, his voice flustered and high like it had once been around Blaine. "Right, well, um… I'll see you around… "

They'd barely begun walking again when Isaac caught up, catching Kurt by the wrist and with a nervous smile, he squeezed Kurt's hand and asked, "C- can I see you again sometime?"

"Y- you want to– "

"It doesn't have to be a date," Isaac rushed on, squirming on the sidewalk. "Just… I want to get to know you better. You… you're really nice to talk to, and funny, a- and cute– "

"Monday night, at that cute pizza parlor on fifty-ninth," Kurt supplied, a grin beginning to shine through on his face.

"Monday night," Isaac repeated, looking thrilled. He smiled widely and began walking backwards. "I'll see you Monday night! Bye, Kurt!"

Rachel titled her head against Brody's chest, accepting the warm arm around her shoulder as Kurt made an adorable little squealing noise beside them.

"He's– I can't believe I– "

And she was happy for him right then. It had been so long since Rachel had seen Kurt this excited or happy about anything and he deserved it. Kurt deserved to have his heart full again and for it to start healing from the chunk Blaine had ripped out. Briefly she wondered if Blaine had moved on by now, or if his cheating had been him moving on all along. She still didn't understand why he'd done that to Kurt, but she couldn't imagine Blaine moving on to someone else. Not when she remembered the way he'd looked at the man next to her and Brody. Kurt had been Blaine's entire world, his everything. He'd been nothing without Kurt and–

Oh. Maybe that had been the problem once Kurt had left.

Stomach twisting up at the realization, Rachel let Brody guide her back to their loft, Kurt still ecstatic at their sides. Had Kurt figured that out yet or had he always known it? But now she had a better understanding of why Blaine had cheated, because she'd seen how lonely he was. There had been more than enough nights when she'd answered the Skype beeps on Kurt's computer, had seen the broken disappointment when her face appeared instead of Kurt's because he was still at work.

He'd thought Kurt had stopped loving him. That was what had happened, and she couldn't change that, but she could still encourage Kurt to make that phone call. If nothing else she wanted both of her boys to have their best friend back.

After she'd said goodbye to Brody, she stepped inside, locked the door, and listened to the sound of Kurt humming happily. It was surprising to her how fast he'd forgotten about Blaine and his heartbreak tonight. In some ways, it was frightening because he'd pushed it aside for so long, and now it was easy for him to ignore because he hadn't fully addressed it.

"Kurt?"

"Hmm, yeah?"

"I, um, I don't want to be a buzz kill or anything," Rachel said hesitantly, peering through his curtains, "but have you… have you called Blaine yet?"

"Bl– _oh my god_. I'm– no, it's not cheating, we aren't– "

She stepped inside his room and guided him down to the bed, her hands on his shoulders as his entire demeanor changed and his face fell. "Of course it's not cheating," she assured him. "Don't worry about that. You would never– "

"I didn't think Blaine ever would either," Kurt admitted miserably. He rubbed his hands over his face. "I… I forgot about him tonight, for the first time since it happened." He was quiet for several minutes and then finally murmured, "He reminds me of Blaine. Isaac," he clarified. "God, I'm just trying to push all of this aside and replace him so I can trick my heart into thinking everything's fine again, but it's _not_."

"It won't be until you call him," Rachel told him. "But that… that doesn't mean you and Isaac don't have something. The way he made you smile tonight, Kurt. It's been a long time since I've seen you smile that brightly."

Kurt's expression was thoughtful for a long time as they sat there, Rachel rubbing her hand over his back, and hoping desperately that he was finally going to make the decision she'd been waiting for him to make.

"Why don't you take your shower first in the morning," Kurt suggested, easing his phone out of his pocket. "It's too late to call now, but… I'll catch him before his family starts Thanksgiving dinner."

"Okay," Rachel agreed, hugging him from the side and sighing softly. "It's going to be hard, but it's for the best. You both need to work through this, even if it only means being friends again. Blaine loves you enough to respect that."

"I know he does," Kurt said. "That's why all of this hurt so much and doesn't make any sense."

Rachel said nothing after that, hoping what she'd figured out was accurate and that, with a face to face confrontation, they would both get their hurt feelings out in the open and begin to work through them. She had no idea how Blaine was fairing. Nobody from McKinley ever mentioned him and Blaine never called or texted her anymore, most likely for fear of her hating him.

As she said goodnight to Kurt and pulled the curtains of her own room closed, she grabbed her phone, found Blaine in her contacts, and sent off a short text message, saying something she'd heard Blaine tell Kurt a dozen times last year.

_Don't give up hope, ever._


	4. November, Part 3

Second Fall

Blaine was a jittery mess from the time his phone beeped at a quarter to three in the morning and straight through the preparations for his family's Thanksgiving feast. The text had been from Rachel, but she hadn't acknowledged him since her and Kurt had visited for the school musical several weeks ago. Blaine had feared she was as upset with him as Kurt was, but her text made him think otherwise. It also made him hope that something great was going to happy soon, either that very day or over the course of the week.

Downstairs his mother, grandmother, and aunt were hard at work in the kitchen while the men in his family, minus himself and his brother, who was absent as usual, gathered in the living room around the corner. For the most part Blaine was trying to stay upstairs and out of the way, especially since his father's parents were here. Both of them had no idea he was gay, and if either of them found out… well, he didn't want to think about the fallout from it.

As far as his parents were concerned, it wasn't a matter discussed, and while they'd both been aware that he and Kurt had been boyfriends, they had no what had gone on since September. Blaine intended on keeping it that way, too. The less his father knew about his life the better off he was.

His only hope was getting through the meal in one piece and then getting out of the house to meet up at the shelter with Sam. After donating everything they'd raised from their canned food drive, they'd decided to join in and help serve the feast at the local shelter. It was something Blaine had never really done before, even though they'd all sung there last year at Christmas, but he thought it was a really great idea. And it meant being around people who might actually like him as he was, instead of people who strictly saw him as a bag of expectations.

"Blaine? Blaine! Come downstairs, son!"

He flinched slightly at the summons, but obeyed his grandfather's stern call. There was no disrespecting Cameron Anderson, especially if he was a relative. As slowly as he could Blaine went downstairs, checking his posture and straightening the thin green tie hanging from his neck. Even Kurt would have considered the state of his attire to be perfectly pristine and ready for a red carpet première, but Blaine knew his grandfather. Despite his perfectly tailored dress shirt (pressed and tucked in to be exactly even) and the slacks that covered his ankles, he would still be slighted to some degree, whether it was based on his clothing's state, physical demeanor or the gallon of gel he'd sealed his hair down with.

"There's my youngest grandson," Cameron boomed, clapping his hands in delight as Blaine entered the living room where his father, grandfather, and two uncles were sitting around the fire catching up.

Blaine paused in the entry way, back tense as he held himself up straight and gave them a small, tight lipped smile.

"You've grown," Cameron remarked, and Blaine took that as the prelude to a derogatory comment as he moved forward to shake his uncles' hands. "I can't imagine you'll ever be as tall as Cooper or us, especially with that gel weighing you down."

"No, sir," Blaine returned, voice steady as he faced his grandfather for the first time since he'd left his first high school and gone to Dalton. His father had done his best to keep them apart once Blaine had told him of his sexuality. "I take after my mother in that way."

"Nothing wrong with that," Uncle Ray assured him, smiling up at him and gesturing to the open spot next to him. "We can't all be burly men. But you still box, yes?"

"Absolutely," Blaine said, giving his favorite uncle a grateful smile as he sat down. "It's one of my favorite things."

"It's shame you haven't followed it further," Cameron cut in, almost looking wistful. "You might have made it to the Olympics this past year if you'd have focused in on it instead of dabbing in everything."

Blaine bit the inside of his lower lip, but said nothing in response. Directly across from him, and right beside his grandfather, Blaine's father smiled tightly and made no comment. The silence hurt even more now than it had four years ago. James never defended him, always made sure Blaine didn't talk about the passion for music that had brought him so far and would hopefully carry him through the rest of his life. None of the men around him would understand that, and so Blaine wasn't supposed to talk about it. Being a musician or Broadway sensation wasn't proper unless he surprised everyone as Cooper had and took the Hollywood route.

The conversation re-routed from there, filtering into discussions of various business happenings and sports. Blaine laughed at the appropriate moments and commented on the football discussion when it began, but his mind was wandering, still attempting to decipher Rachel's text message. He knew he'd said the very same thing to Kurt a dozen times last year in relation to NYADA, so there had to be some significance to her choosing those words. She'd been there to hear them more than once and right now she was the only person Blaine knew that was in the same place as Kurt. Or maybe he was just hopelessly reaching for something that was already gone. Maybe Kurt's extended silence since the play meant they had lost it all because of his own selfish mistake.

"– oh, I think someone's a little love sick over there," Blaine's second uncle, Robert, his father's brother, teased, and Blaine jerked his glazed-over gaze from the coffee table to find all four men watching him closely.

A knot of satisfaction looped around his chest when Blaine noted the way the muscles tightened in his father's jaw. But his own despair kept him from fully enjoying it. He was lovesick, and because he'd foolishly let his worst fears get the best of him, he may never find a way not to be. For now he'd acknowledged his own insecurities, flaws, and fears. He understood those parts of himself better, but he was still working on acceptance. Because accepting those meant moving forward and accepting that he'd hurt Kurt in the worst possible way. Moving on from this love meant learning how to forgive himself for everything that he had done wrong.

"I bet you've got somebody special by now," Cameron persisted as his uncles as watched on, looking hopeful. "A handsome young man like you ought to have a beautiful young lady on his arm."

"I– no," Blaine replied swiftly. "There was… someone, but we… we broke up. Distance was too much."

It was as close to the truth as Blaine felt he could get away with, but admitting it meant his father would realize why Blaine had been so detached and miserable since October. Once everyone else had cleared out or was back in the living room after dinner Blaine had no doubt his father would pull him aside and try to make light of what had happened with him and Kurt. Already Blaine could hear his words, telling him that Kurt and all of this had been a faze, a stupid fad he'd foolishly bought into for attention and that now, with college looming before him, it was time to get his head and his heart straightened out for a nice young woman.

"That's a shame," Uncle Robert said. "There'll be plenty of girls in college."

"You've already sent into your applications to Yale and Harvard," Cameron deduced, and Blaine knew from anyone else it would have been a question, but not from his grandfather. It was an expectation, and one he'd met despite knowing he'd never accept an offer from either.

"Yes, sir, along with… "his father shot him a cautionary look, but Blaine plowed on recklessly, "Julliard and Berklee in Boston."

He left out the other New York schools he'd added in, and the one application he was still working on for a school out by Cooper. Since he and Kurt weren't even speaking at this point, Blaine didn't know how comfortable he would be in New York. That was Kurt's home now, and without his renewed friendship, he didn't think he'd ever feel like more than an intruder in that city.

"Music?" Cameron muttered, looking like he'd never heard the word before. "For all of that piano you play– "

"Dinner's ready, everyone!"

Relieved, Blaine followed the rest of his family into the kitchen, trying to ignore the look his father was giving him and the way his grandfather's gaze was pondering his words and already beginning to fold under a shroud of disapproval.

The actual meal was pleasant enough, and over much too quickly for Blaine. He barely focused on what he was eating and what his mother was forcing second and then third helpings of, but ate to occupy his mouth more than because of hunger. Even now he still had little to no appetite, but he did what he could to nourish his body when he felt like he could force himself into it. Or when Sam began trying to force feed him during lunch.

As the plates were cleared away, Blaine prepared himself for the worst as he said where he was headed and why. His parents had already known of course, but the rest of his family hadn't, and while his grandfather was pleased to hear of his election as Senior Class President, he was much less keen on the idea of helping at a shelter. Cameron Anderson wasn't a man who liked to be pandered to or who sympathized with anyone less fortunate than himself. He was a go-getter. To him each person was only as good as their effort and work, and anyone who was homeless or poor was that way because they were lazy. Blaine disagreed entirely with that attitude, but it didn't stop his grandfather from walking back into the living room, muttering about the "worthless poor class".

Before he made his escape, a firm, large hand caught his elbow and held him back from the front door.

"A quick word, Blaine," his father's gruff voice demanded sharply.

Blaine tried to pull away, to drown out the roaring in his ears of the argument he knew was coming. "I'm going to be late– "

"_Now_," his father snapped, and Blaine sagged back into his grip, letting his father open the front door and lead him onto the porch.

The front door was closed gently behind him, so it wouldn't alert anyone else of their departure, and then Blaine was face to face with his father's stony face.

"You applied to Julliard," James said evenly, his tone clipped and stern.

Blaine nodded, clenching his jaw and waiting for the worst of this conversation to get going. His father always started with something less important before he got to what he really meant to say, especially when he had that expression on his face.

"It's one of the best, right?"

"Yes, Berklee's a fantastic school as well," Blaine informed him, glancing at his watch. "Look, I've really got to go– "

"Why did you break up? You a- and that… that boy– "

"Kurt," Blaine corrected tightly, trying to will his feet to move down the handful of steps and then over to his car. He didn't want this conversation to happen; he could already see the hope forming in his father's gaze. It was a look that made Blaine's stomach churn because it meant his father still couldn't love him for who he was, that the son he'd been given wasn't enough for him compared to the son he wanted. To Blaine, it told him that the potential for the boy James wanted outweighed the despair and guilt Blaine had been wallowing in for the past month.

"Right, this… Kurt. He graduated, didn't he?"

Blaine nodded weakly, trying to forget how happy they'd been during those weeks. How they'd sworn to find a way to make it work, and promised a hundred times over to never stop loving each other. And he'd doubted that, his insecurities had been fed and had festered like an infected wound, Kurt's long silences and broken phone and Skype dates and relentless need to discuss only New York based things had made Blaine think Kurt had stopped loving him.

"I– he's in New York. T- the… the distance was too much," Blaine admitted, and it struck him as ridiculous that the first person he'd confessed that to was his father, even more so when he found his mouth continuing to form the words he'd spoken to nobody since that night in Battery Park. "I– we barely talked and I… I was alone and lonely and I- I-I was with someone. I cheated, Dad."

Blaine stared out towards the street, eyes downcast and heart in his throat. Somehow confessing the worst of himself to his father, the one person who judged him harder than any other constant figure in his life, made the truth worse. Now his father really did have a legitimate reason to disapprove of him and Blaine was dreading what scathing response would come next.

"It's for the best," his father said softly a few moments later. "He was never good for you to begin with."

His teeth pierced his lip at the harsh words, tears prickling at the corners of Blaine's eyes as he shook his head in denial. That wasn't true. There was nobody else in his life that had done him so much good and given him everything.

"Don't shake your head," James said sternly. "It's the truth, and this is the proof of it, Blaine. It's impossible for you to love another boy, because there's no way you would have cheated if you actually loved him like you think you do– "

"You don't know what love is," Blaine whispered, wiping his nose as his tears began to fall. "God, I can't wait to move out of here, even if I can't move in with Kurt anymore. I'm so sick of you not being about to love me for who I am."

"Blaine, this is a ridiculous phase that's gone on long enough– "

"This is my life and you're treating it like a joke!"

"Don't– "

Blaine jerked away from his father's grip, set off down the front steps and straight to his car based on his memory of its location. Tears were clouding his gaze as his father's voice hollered after him, but the slamming of his car door cut his words off. In seconds, Blaine had turned his car on and was pulling out on the road, away from the disapproval and expectations his father liked to steeple on him.

Somehow his preparation for the worst hadn't helped him in the slightest when his father had said his opinion of the matter. The fact that there'd been absolutely no sympathy or compassion from his own father told Blaine that what he'd done was even more disgusting than he'd originally thought. It was almost as if his father had heard his words from a robdfot, had cut out the tone and anguish in his voice and accepted only the revolting hope he'd pulled out of it for his own intentions.

The drive went by quicker than Blaine had expected it to. Before his tears had even stopped falling, he was pulling into a empty parking space at the shelter, eyes puffy and burning from crying. Blaine took a few moments to try to compose himself, scolding himself for losing it so easily when he'd known his father's words would only be painful. He should have just walked away before James even started in on him and saved himself from even more heartache. Now those words would linger with him for days, weeks even. Some part of him couldn't help but wonder if there was any truth to them despite knowing he still loved Kurt now.

He never should have gone to Eli's house that day, because doubting Kurt's love had to mean he'd doubted his own in some way. Why else would he have done it? Even if Kurt's love had been in doubt, his own shouldn't have been, and Blaine hadn't thought it was. But now, after his father had said that…

"Hey!" A fist knocked against his window loudly.

Blaine jerked around and found Sam's grinning face staring down at him. The blond boy waved excited, the end of his mitten flapping about as Blaine tried to smile.

"Come on! We're going to be late!"

Blaine nodded so that he didn't have to speak as he climbed out of his car. He was grateful that the parking lot was badly lit and hoped dearly that by the time they were inside, Sam would be too distracted by helping cook and serve to actually notice the drying tear tracks or his red eyes.

He slouched after Sam, feet dragging and kicking dirty slices of icy snow up. Sam was prattling on excitedly, discussing all of the cooking websites he'd looked into to prepare himself for tonight, when something he said caught Blaine's attention like nothing else.

"– and Burt showed me all of the things Kurt taught him– "

"H- he– Mr. Hummel was– but– "

"Well, yeah," Sam said slowly, pausing outside the main entrance. "I still live with them, remember? Burt thought it was an awesome idea, even came along– "

He hadn't forgotten, yet, for whatever foolish reason, the thought of Sam and Burt bonding hadn't even crossed his mind. There should have been no doubt of it, considering how well Blaine had come to know Burt over the past two years. The man loved with his whole heart, and anyone who gained Kurt's trust was guaranteed more than a fair chance at being given Burt's as well.

"He's– "

"Hello, Blaine."

A jolt of panic ripped through Blaine's chest and he expected the blow of a fist to land on his face or torso. But it didn't. There was only the sound of his own harsh breathing and the fog of their collective breaths as he turned to find Burt standing a few feet behind him.

"H– Sir,I– are you– "

"Whoa, relax there, kiddo," Burt grunted as Sam nudged Blaine towards Burt and the door. "No need to sound so scared."

"But," Blaine bit his lip, keeping his gaze lowered as he waited for the inevitable anger and protectiveness Burt had for Kurt to kick in. He didn't understand why it hadn't already. "A- aren't you going to hit me or yell or– "

"There's more important things than that right now," Burt cut in, voice mellow. Sam shuffled his feet next to them, and Burt cleared his throat. "Why don't you head on in and let them know we're here, Sam?"

"Are you su– "

"Yeah," Blaine urged him, realizing Burt's intentions and dreading the end of yet another relationship he'd treasured more than anything else. After years of his father growing distant and always wanting someone else to replace the second son he'd had, Burt had appeared with Kurt. He was someone Blaine trusted more than himself, and Burt had become that guiding light in his life he'd always hoped to see shining in his own father. "Go on, Sam. W- we'll be in soon."

With a slow, concerned nod, Sam back pedaled into the shelter, watching them until the door closed. Blaine hugged himself immediately after Sam disappeared from his sight. He had no idea what to expect since Burt wasn't boiling over with anger and ready to murder him for breaking Kurt's heart.

"I– " Burt sighed heavily and sat down on the hood of his car, pulling his cap off to rub his hand over his scalp. "I don't hate you, Blaine, but we need to talk before we go in there."

"Yes, sir," Blaine whispered weakly, eyes locked on his boots.

"Look at me," Burt demanded suddenly, his voice commanding but gentle.

His head jerked up almost instantly, and Blaine found Burt's sad, disappointed eyes locked on his. The raw, heartbreaking ache settled in his throat like it hadn't in almost a week. He couldn't bear that look being directed at him, but he knew looking away would only bring part of Burt's wrath. There was no doubt it was there in some capacity. Kurt was Burt's little boy, the one person he'd had around longer than anyone else in his life. Kurt had been Burt's entire world and happiness for so long, and nobody, probably not even Blaine himself, loved Kurt more than Burt did.

"Tell me what happened to you," Burt requested, patting a spot on the hood next to him as request for Blaine to join him.

His words startled Blaine, because he hadn't expected them, barely even understood their meaning. It wasn't "tell me what you did with that guy," or "tell me why you broke my son's trust and heart," it was all about him, and it didn't register with him.

"What do you– I don't understand what y- you're– "

"I want you to tell me why you did what you did, how you felt that led you to make that decision," Burt explained calmly. "I've done my best to stay calm and level headed about this until now because I wanted to hear it from you."

Blaine gulped nervously and slowly dropped down onto the car hood beside Kurt's father. Burt was giving him a chance he didn't feel he deserved and what he said next would destroy it. Throat still tight and sore from holding everything in, Blaine began to speak.

"I… I thought I was losing him," he admitted weakly. "It felt like it. A- all of my worst fears were coming to life. He was missing all of our Skype dates and phone calls. Even when he'd pick up for a few seconds, and promise to call or text later, he never did. It was like he was forgetting me and everything we were, and I– "

Blaine's voice cracked and he hung his head in shame and regret. If only he'd done something different, if he'd only realized how terrible his decisions would be once he came to his senses and realized Kurt's silence and love for his new life hadn't meant what they'd had wasn't still strong and present.

"I thought I was ready for him to go and I wasn't," Blaine confessed as Burt shifted next to him. "Feeling like he was already lost when he hung up that day… he didn't even hear me tell him I loved him and I just… it was like I lost my heart," Blaine whispered miserably. "Like everything was just a fantasy I'd made up and I just wanted to feel something, anything that wasn't my heart aching and falling out of my chest. I'm so sorry I've disappointed you, and that I broke his trust and his heart. Nothing is ever going to get that back and– "

A hand came up and squeezed his shoulder tightly making Blaine swallow the rest of his words and hoping his heart would dislodge from his throat as well.

"That's all I needed to hear, kiddo," Burt said gruffly, and Blaine thought he had to be dreaming at the obvious heartache his voice held. "I could never hate you, not knowing that I was right about why."

"You– but how– "

Burt sighed once more, tugged on his cap, and rubbed his chin. "Because I know you, Blaine. Not nearly as well as Kurt does," Burt said with a sad smile, "but enough to realize you wouldn't just run out and find the first guy you could if it was only for sex."

Face burning at Burt's words, Blaine said nothing, just kept his head and gaze down towards his knees.

"I didn't– well , I knew w- what E- Eli expected with those messages, and I just… god, I don't know anymore," Blaine grumbled brokenly. "I wanted to feel something, for someone t- to hold me and make it stop hurting so much, but it only made it worse."

"I know that feeling," Burt admitted softly. At Blaine's stunned look Burt chuckled weakly and added, "You aren't the only one who's made mistakes, Blaine. It happens to the best and worst of us, regardless of intentions; everyone has weak moments, and sometimes those moments amount to the worst decisions of your life."

Blaine remained silent as he digested those words. If Burt was confessing to what Blaine thought he was… that didn't make sense. Burt was a terrific, fantastic husband, father, and man. There was no way he would ever cheat on anybody. He wasn't weak or insecure like Blaine was. Yet…

"I was your age once," Burt remarked with a soft laugh. "All throughout high school, I treated girls and sex like a joke. It was a game me and my buddies played, seeing how many we could bang and how fast. Sex was just something fun we did, even a lot of the girls were like that. I imagine a lot of kids your age are still like that." Burt rubbed his hand over his face once more, looking uncharacteristically bleak. "I wasn't like you and Kurt in high school. I wasn't looking for love or romance or a best friend to spend my life with."

"But… that was different," Blaine interjected miserably. "When you did that, you and those girls didn't trust each other like Kurt and I did. You didn't let each other in, body and soul– "

"I never cheated on those girls," Burt told him. "We had a bit of fun and that was it. I might have dated them for a few weeks to get to that point, but I didn't cheat on any of them, Blaine."

"Mr. Hummel– "

"Burt," the older man corrected sternly. "That's one part of our relationship that's never going to change."

Smiling weakly, Blaine started again. "Burt, I… I don't get what you're trying to tell me. If you never cheated on them– "

"I didn't on them," Burt amended, "but I did with Kurt's mother."

Shock zapped through Blaine at those words. Burt grimaced beside him as Blaine stared at him, stunned.

"You– "

"I'm not proud of it. Even now thinking about it or saying it makes me flinch but… "Burt shook his head roughly. "I met her in junior college, still going through girls and having my fun. I'll never forget that first moment I saw her; pretty much fell in love right on the spot. And it took me a while to realize it, and that that was why I was hanging around after months, and, god," Burt laughed humorlessly, "it scared the hell out of me, kid."

"But it's the greatest feeling in the world," Blaine said with a frown.

"It wasn't to me at nineteen," Burt informed him. "I was terrified when I realized how much she meant to me so quickly. I'd never felt like that about anyone else, and I panicked. Went to a buddy's party, had a few drinks, and one of the girls – I don't even remember her name anymore – well, we hooked up."

They were quiet for a few moments after that, listening to the growing murmur of voice inside of the shelter. Blaine imagined dinner was already well underway and by the time they actually went inside, it would be ready to serve. He really didn't feel hungry, more like he was going to be sick from his own guilt, the fight with his father, and now this. It amazed him to realize that even Burt, a man he'd practically thought perfect, could fall just like he had. And Burt had turned out all right, hadn't he?

"It was the stupidest thing I've ever done in my life," Burt continued, clearly his throat loudly. "She didn't talk to me for almost a year and I hated myself for a long time afterwards. Hurt myself on my dirt bike that summer, finished junior college, and started working at the shop. One day we got a call from her, she'd broken down way out by Oaks Mill Farm… " Burt smiled a little at the memory and it surprised Blaine to see his face look so sad, nostalgic, and happy. He'd never heard Burt talk about Kurt's mother, and it struck him that this was the first he'd ever heard about her from him. "Seeing her again, having that time to grow and realize how stupid I'd been to her and all of those other girls… it changed me. Started me towards who I am now, and as much as that broken heart hurt, I'm grateful I made that mistake. We wouldn't be sitting here talking about this if it hadn't. You'd never of had Kurt to fall in love with and I wouldn't have known how great of a man I could be."

Throat tight, and eyes clouding with tears, Blaine watched Burt's expression, the subtle shifts in the lines of his face. It was almost like watching the growth Burt was talking about happen right in front of his eyes, taking Burt from the scared, reckless teenager he'd been through the transformation into the caring, incredible father and person that Blaine respected more than anyone else.

Burt turned to him suddenly, taking him by the shoulders and leaning down until he was looking directly into Blaine's eyes.

"I hate that it had to come to this with you two, but this is your time, and Kurt's," Burt said, looking more serious than Blaine had ever seen him. "This is when you find out how great of a person you are inside and out, Blaine. You've got to find yourself before you and Kurt figure out if you're going to work outside of high school. I don't know if this will lead you back to each other like it did with me and Elizabeth, but I want what's best for my son and for you. For now that means you have to find it within yourself to love who you are, faults, insecurities, mistakes, and all. You have to accept and forgive yourself before you can start to let his love back in."

Blaine stared into Burt's eyes, light and sad, but full of a love Blaine hadn't known existed for him. He'd always known Burt had liked him, but realizing how much the older man cared for him was overwhelming after their conversation. Burt wanted him to do just what he'd already started trying to do. He just didn't know if he'd ever be able to forgive the worst of it. His fears, insecurities, and dependency were one thing, but forgiving himself for breaking Kurt's heart and trust and letting himself be with another seemed so impossible from his vantage point.

"I'm trying," Blaine assured Burt, swallowing thickly and trying to keep his tears from falling. "I just– I don't know i- if I can forgive myself for the worst, e- especially if Kurt can't– "

"You will," Burt soothed, squeezing his shoulders tightly as he stood up. "If I can do it, then I know you can, too."

Blaine nodded shakily as Burt helped him to his feet. Everything about this day felt entirely too surreal. The first instinct he had, of course, was to call Kurt and relay the bond between himself and Burt to him, but he couldn't do that. He shouldn't want to do that right now. Burt was right. Romantic relations weren't what they needed to attempt or focus on right now. There were more important things for them to work on and figure out together, but until Kurt called, he would have to focus on himself.

"You're the greatest dad I've ever met," Blaine told him, hating the wistful tone his voice took as he spoke.

Burt frowned slightly at his words, but made no comment on what was being implied. Blaine had never revealed much to Kurt's father about his own, but Burt knew enough to realize their relationship was rocky at best.

"You sound like Ku– "

From inside his jacket pocket, Blaine's phone began to ring, a song he hadn't heard since that night on the stage two weeks ago. His heart leapt into his throat, feeling sorer, but slightly fuller than it had half an hour ago. This was it. The moment he'd been dreading and hoping would come. Kurt was calling him, and what happened now meant either a new beginning or the end of the best two years of Blaine's life. This might be goodbye forever.

Somehow Burt seemed to realize who the call was from, either from the expression on Blaine's face or the way he scrambled to dig his phone out and answer it.

"H- hello?" Blaine breathed, voice still choked and breathing rattling slightly from his crying and the cold November air.

There was a drawn out pause and Blaine almost thought Kurt had hung up and changed his mind about contacting him. Then a shaky breath came through the other end.

"It's– hi," Kurt whispered, sounding overwhelmed and upset.

Blaine's chest tightened at the sound, knowing without a doubt that he was the cause. He'd been the cause of Kurt's worst heartache and neither of them seemed to know a way to mend that yet. If there was a yet, maybe this was goodbye. His chest constricted further, until the air was gone from his lungs and he felt shriveled and small. Kurt had promised to never say goodbye to him, but maybe he was going to break that promise just like Blaine had broken his.

"Happy Thanksgiving," Blaine found himself saying, grasping at easy topics until Kurt said whatever it was he'd called to say.

Kurt gave a watery chuckle and Blaine's heart leapt at the sound. He didn't sound annoyed or angry, just emotional. And what that would end up meaning for Blaine was scary. Everything he'd wanted for the rest of his life was hanging in the air over his head, ready to float gently into his arms or crash down and crush him under its weight.

"It's so good to hear your voice," Kurt breathed, sniffling. There was the sound of shuffling on his end and Blaine it his lip to control his smile. There was hope. There had to be.

"I– I've missed you," Blaine confessed, blinking away the tears reforming in his eyes. "So much and– "

"Blaine, please– I can't– "

Blaine ground to a halt, the rest of his confession left on the tip of his tongue, too large to be swallowed, but too small to slip out of the corner of his mouth. He waited anxiously, heart pounding and body trembling for Kurt's next words to fall – for the world he'd found safety and love in to crash down.

"Rachel a- and I are coming home tomorrow," Kurt told him, sounding slightly stronger, like he'd practiced what he was saying. "I– after all of the shopping, because there's this really fantastic sale and– "

"Uh… "

Kurt stopped, and even across state lines Blaine could feel the heat of his blush.

"Sorry, habit. Can you meet me at the mall, maybe? We… we need to talk," Kurt said. "A lot."

Blaine nodded quickly, and then realizing Kurt couldn't see him, added, "Yes, of course. Absolutely. Um, where?"

"Those massage chairs we u- used to… "

The way Kurt trailed off, his voice catching and dropping made Blaine's guilt surge through him. It was like lava slugging through his veins, thick, burning, and consuming. He deserved it, he knew, but he wished more than anything that the feeling would end or not be so fierce all the time.

"Okay," Blaine whispered. "Is three o'clock good for you?"

"Yeah, that's perfect," Kurt agreed. He took a deep breath on the other end of the phone, obviously trying to calm his churning emotions. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Yeah," Blaine said. "Tomorrow. I'll… thank you. For at least being willing to talk to me."

"Goodnight, Blaine," Kurt said quickly, not acknowledging Blaine's words beyond a sharp intake of breath and then the click of him ending the call.

For several seconds Blaine kept the phone against his ear, trying to will his heart to stop pounding so furiously as Burt cleared his throat.

"Good news, by the sounds of that," Burt deduced, tugging the shelter's door open. A little chime dinged above the door as he ushered Blaine inside.

With a jerky nod, Blaine finally pulled his phone away from his ear and started at the screen where Kurt's face was still flashing up at him. He hoped it was good news that Kurt wanted to talk. Maybe they'd finally get everything out in the open about what happened after the long distance had started and begin to tentatively reestablish something. Blaine couldn't see them jumping right back into their relationship as it had been, and if he was honest, he didn't want to.

"We're meeting tomorrow to talk about… everything, I guess," Blaine informed him as Sam hollered over at them.

"Come on, guys! Everything's nearly ready!"

Burt chuckled and hung his jacket up by the door. Blaine did the same, heart somehow lighter despite the way it was twisting uncomfortably in his chest. So many things could happen tomorrow and they'd both end up saying things they'd regret. He knew that would happen; there was no way around it after this.

"Well, if everything gets back onto a good track, just let me know," Burt told him. "I'm sure I'll hear it from Kurt, but… I've got an extra ticket to visit him at Christmas. It's yours if he's ready to begin moving forward."

Blaine was surprised by the preemptive offer, but nodded again. Right now he couldn't even imagine spending an hour in the same room as Kurt without it causing them both pain. But Christmas… what if Kurt never wanted to see him again? What if whatever happened between them tomorrow ended their rocky friendship and love for good?

Yet Burt seemed sure of his offer, judging by the small smile that accompanied it. He'd been through this before, maybe he realized something about it that Blaine was missing. Perhaps he and Burt would be sitting around at Christmas a decade from now, laughing about this and at how naive and foolish Blaine had been. They might even be doing so while watching Kurt open presents with their own son…

With a jolt, Blaine ran head long into Sam, who yelped as the pie in his hands slipped from his grasp and hit the floor.

"Sorry! Crap, Sam, I– "

"I'm guessing Kurt called you," Sam interrupted, kicking the pie off of his shoes and groaning at the pumpkin mush covering his sneakers. "You're looking more lovesick than you have in weeks."

"I'm not– "

"You are," Sam argued immediately, grabbing a towel from the counter next to him and starting to wipe his shoes off. "So are you two, like, cool and friends now or– "

"I don't know," Blaine said honestly. "He's in town this weekend. We're meeting tomorrow to talk… "

"Sweet!" Sam beamed, punching Blaine in the shoulder fondly. "I'm glad. I" – Sam glanced hesitantly at Burt – "I really hope this all works out between you two," he continued earnestly. "You're still one of the best guys I know, and one mistake doesn't change that to me, and I think with time, Kurt will realize it, too."

Blaine frowned slightly at his words. He couldn't stand the thought of getting his hopes up about it. Most people he knew would never go back to someone who had cheated on them, and he didn't blame them. There was so much to work through, so much heartache to suffer, and usually the love wasn't worth it to them. He hated that he was still doubting Kurt, but he'd been doubting this very thing since Kurt had buried himself in New York – he'd stopped thinking Kurt's love was enough, because Kurt had stopped showing his love. Maybe Kurt's love wasn't strong enough to try them once more someday, months or years from now. This could all just be a high school sweethearts romance to him, and as much as that would kill Blaine, he'd learn to accept it if it meant still having Kurt as a friend and in his life.

* * *

Kurt paced anxiously in front of the massage chairs in the Lima Mall. It was surreal being back in this spot, so bizarre to find that time had still carried on in this place without his presence. Changes had happened all around him here. There were two new chairs, one with some special new function, a new ice cream shop between McDonalds and the China King restaurant; even the walls had changed color. Nothing felt familiar or like home here anymore and it made his chest ache in regret and longing, and at the same time made his heart yearn for the crowded streets of New York.

"Would you stop?" Rachel finally snapped as Kurt bounced past her for the twenty-fourth time. "It's still ten minutes to three– "

"Blaine's always early," he countered sharply, his entire body tense as his ex-boyfriend's name brushed over his lips.

There were so many doubts and fears circling in his mind right now. He'd already decided to walk with Blaine outside to the backside of the mall so that they would have privacy once things got heated, because he knew that they would. There was no way around it once they began really discussing what had happened and everything they'd both left unsaid since September. A little burst of anger rushed through him, though whether it was directed at Blaine or himself, he didn't know. So many things had gone wrong between them and they'd left them unspoken, despite the riff it was causing. Kurt couldn't help but think it would always remain that way and he'd never have his best friend back, even though part of him wasn't sure he wanted Blaine in his life anymore.

"That doesn't mean– " but Rachel stopped talking, staring through the Black Friday crowd at the dome of shiny black hair bobbing through the mass of people. "He's here," Rachel hissed, hopping to her feet and attempting to mess with Kurt's collar and hair. "Now just let me fix– "

"Don't you dare, Rachel Berry– "

"H- hi, guys," Blaine's soft, unsure voice said from directly behind them.

The sound of it so close made Kurt tense and freeze. His skin ached to be in contact with Blaine's, to fall into the other man's arms and just forget everything and go back to how things were, but they couldn't. Rachel's eyes, wide and nervous, stared over Kurt's shoulder as he turned around and found himself facing Blaine for the first time since October. Almost two months without looking at his beautiful face or staring into those heartbroken hazel eyes. Even at a glance Kurt could see a visible difference in how Blaine was carrying himself, though he couldn't place name on it.

"Hi," Kurt breathed, not knowing what else to say, only that he felt like he was splitting in two.

Blaine's eyes were locked onto his face and, for the first time in his memory, it made Kurt unbearably uncomfortable. Had Blaine looked at that other guy with that expression? The one that told Kurt he was everything and forever to Blaine? He squeezed his eyes shut and willed his tears to stay tucked behind his eyes.

"I'm going to go look at some ties for my dads for Chanukah," Rachel said promptly. She squeezed Kurt's hand once, gave Blaine a brief hug and a "It's good to see you" before she skipped off through the crowd.

"Do you want to, um, go somewhere quieter?" Blaine asked, his voice gruff as he scratched the back of his neck.

He was nervous, too, then. Kurt recognized that gesture as one Blaine did when he was feeling awkward, especially in the presence of his brother during those first few days when he'd come to visit last semester. Knowing he wasn't the only one of them scared about what this conversation could lead to made him feel more at ease.

"Yeah, there's… out behind the mall," Kurt informed him, and Blaine's face turned crimson. With a jolt, Kurt realized why.

Not long after they'd begun dating and he'd gone back to McKinley, they'd always met up at the mall, and on several particular afternoons, when either the Warblers or New Directions wouldn't leave them alone for a while, they'd snuck out back and… Well, Kurt had spend quite a bit of time pressed up against the wall back there during those exciting make outs. So had Blaine, for that matter.

"Or we could just, um," Kurt bit his lip, not knowing where else to go. He hadn't even thought about that when he'd pegged the spot as quiet and empty, though in hindsight he should have realized it, should have remembered those afternoons and the worried text messages that had interrupted them when they hadn't returned from the "bathroom". Since he'd left and been without Blaine, he'd put so much of that on hold and the pain of missing Blaine had been easier to bury and ignore. Only he'd buried so much of the other boy, he'd left him behind, and for a heart-wrenching moment Kurt had to wonder if he hadn't, if he'd allowed himself to feel all of it as acutely as Blaine must have, if he would have crumbled to the same temptation as his ex-boyfriend.

"No, it's fine," Blaine assured him, biting his lip as well. "It's… Open and honest is what we need to be right now."

"Right," Kurt agreed and he led the way out of the food court and down past the H&M outlet by the restrooms.

The walk down the hallway towards the bathrooms seemed to go on forever and it brought back a flood of memories Kurt had been keeping at bay for months. The giddy rush in his belly, the swoop as Blaine's hand had clasped his, and their feet had moved faster in their excitement to reach the back door and–

Blaine pushed the old door open, holding it until Kurt passes through quickly, trying not to brush against Blaine and cause more pain to well up in his throat. God, he didn't want to yell or fight, he didn't want to hate Blaine or what they were or this situation. He couldn't see any other option for it right now, and when the door closed with a soft whoosh behind Blaine, Kurt found himself spinning around sharply, jaw set and eyes already watering.

"Why?" he demanded instantly. "Why would you– how could you do this to me? To us, Blaine."

His voice was trembling, wavering and almost wailing by the end of his words. Blaine swallowed visibly and looked for a moment like he was going to bow his head in shame. He surprised Kurt, though, and held his gaze, steady and strong, despite the turmoil turning in his bright eyes.  
"I thought I was ready for something and I wasn't," Blaine said simply, honestly. "I thought I was losing you and– " Blaine shook his head, tears beginning to cloud his eyes as Kurt watched with bated breath. "You were just gone, Kurt. It's no excuse, but, god, reminders of you are everywhere here and I couldn't even talk to you because you were never available."

"That's not true– " Kurt began to deny, flinching at the lie he knew he was stating. If he'd wanted to make himself more available, he could have, even if it had been difficult. They could have emailed messages or recorded messages when things got too hectic, but Kurt hadn't suggested it because then he would have had to acknowledge the way the distance made him ache, the canyon it had so easily dug between them. He would have had to accept that Blaine really wasn't there and that his boyfriend had been carving out his own life without him, just as he was in New York.

"Don't," Blaine snapped, and now he was crying. "I– you don't know how much that hurt. Calling your phone and being ignored. Leaving messages, texts, being told by you that you would call me later when you had a minute and then waiting all night for those calls and never getting them. You didn't just leave Ohio," Blaine said brokenly. "You left in here." He thumped his fist over his chest – over his heart – and bowed his head, looking destroyed at the very thought. "I know you were busy. I know you were so excited and happy with everything you were accomplishing in New York, and I was and still am happy for you, but I just wanted a few seconds of feeling like you still cared about us, about me, left behind in Lima. It took that for me to realize that everything I'd been doing, I'd done for you. Going to your junior prom, transferring, running for Senior Class President, leading New Directions. All of that was for you, and you didn't care about anything in my life anymore– "

"That's not true," Kurt repeated quietly, eyes downcast and this time he meant it. He'd known somewhere in the back of his mind that his silences had hurt Blaine. That constantly changing the few conversations they'd had into discussions of New York wasn't right, but he was allowed to be excited about his new life. Maybe he'd taken that too far though, maybe the thought of Lima and Blaine alone had hurt him too much, and so he'd chosen to not think or talk about it even with the boy most affected by it. And acknowledging that meant realizing that maybe long distance wasn't for them, that his heart wasn't wrong about Blaine cheating. There had been a cause, even if there was never a justifiable excuse for it, and that cause had in part been his doing. "I still cared about you, Blaine. I still do, and then you– you went a- and did whatever with another guy– "

"It wasn't– I didn't care– "

"You cheated on me! You took all of my love and trust and just tossed it aside!" Kurt yelled, his voice hoarse and cracking, tears were in his eyes now. "How– I just don't know how you could actually do that and not b- be drunk or drugged or– "

Kurt paused, waiting, almost hoping that Blaine would admit to being drunk when it had happened, but he didn't. Swallowing thickly, Kurt drew in a shaky breath as his last desperate hope of Blaine not being fully reasonable during that encounter washed away. He wrapped his arms around his chest and stared back towards the door. He wanted to rush back through it, to shut these memories out and sink back into the blissful ones that had once filled this spot. He didn't know how to move past this, or if he wanted details or to never see Blaine again in his life.

"H- his name was Eli," Blaine said suddenly.

A sharp intake of breath rattled through Kurt. It took several moments to process the name, and once he did, he was relieved to realize it had no value. He wasn't a Warbler, an acquaintance or friend of any sort. The name held absolutely no meaning to Kurt, and that somehow made it easier to process and accept. It really had just been a random, spur of the moment hook-up.

"Did you two– did he– "

"It… he messaged me on Facebook. The same day he friended me," Blaine confessed. "No long conversations or anything, just two short messages, wanting me to come over and… I did. I was hurting, I'd been trying to call you all afternoon to talk me out of doing something stupid and… I didn't think you loved me anymore." He paused, wrapping his own arms around himself. "That was the day you called me from work. You hung up right when I was telling you that I loved you, after I tried to tell you how miserable I was… I guess I didn't word it well, I don't know."

Kurt shook his head as his mind rewound to that day. He'd been manning Isabelle's phone, had taken the time to call Blaine, and had promptly hung up for gossip. It had been work related to a degree, but Isabelle tended to brush the majority of any gossip aside in favor of focusing more directly on their various accounts and projects. A twisted mass of guilt plunged into his stomach. He'd been at work, yes, but gossip could have waited for a few more seconds just to reassure Blaine of his love. His mind started to create a plethora of "what if" moments, but he shut that down quickly. Neither of them could change what had happened, what they'd contributed to their rocky relationship and then Blaine's choice to cheat. The only decision left was whether or not they were worth rebuilding, whether or not their love was strong enough to survive the worst they were capable of.

Trying to block everything in Lima out had made him isolate Blaine even further than he already was. He'd known he was the only one Blaine really felt comfortable talking to about how he was feeling, and the one who, above anyone else, should have recognized the ache and agony in Blaine's voice that day.

"I– I should have known what you meant. I know how hard it is for you to admit and articulate how you're feeling and I… I was so lost in my new life and so- so disconnected, I didn't even stop to realize what you meant."

"It's no excuse for what I did," Blaine reminded him. "I gave up and doubted your love. I let my insecurities make me think my love wasn't enough for you. Everything hurt so much and there was nobody. I wasn't just lonely, Kurt, I was alone. For five seconds, I just wanted someone to hold me, and maybe then everything would hurt a little less… It just made it worse. He was all over me and I… I just let it happen. I wanted to feel good in some way and I thought that was it. It wasn't, it just made me sick."

"Good," Kurt said, and he didn't regret it. That was exactly how Blaine should have felt after he'd betrayed his trust. Now it was his turn to say his part. "I don't know if I can forgive you for this. Ever. Every time I think about you or see pictures, I feel like my heart's being ripped out all over again. I keep imagining some guy's hands all over you, touching you in places I'm only allowed to touch, and kissing you and- and I– I can't stop loving you and I almost hate you for that, but I don't. You've meant too much to me for me to ever hate you, but I don't trust you anymore and I think you know that."

"I do, Kurt, I'm so sorry."

"So am I," Kurt admitted. "I'm sorry I wasn't a better boyfriend when I left. I'm sorry we still can't communicate how we need to and– "

"No, that's not your fault. Not entirely," Blaine insisted, his hand untucking from his armpit and beginning to reach towards Kurt, but stopping when he realized he couldn't hold his hand anymore. "We weren't ready for long distance, no matter how strong our love is. And I owe you so many apologies, no matter how meaningless words feel compared to what I've done. There's no excuse for my actions, there never will be," Blaine said simply, looking up and meeting Kurt's eyes earnestly despite how dejected he appeared. "I'm sorry for how much I've hurt you. I wish I could take it back, but I can't."

Blaine shook his head, finally unfolding his arms as he shrugged helplessly and sat down on the little brick ledge next to the exit. But his eyes remained focused on Kurt, and as much as it hurt to have Blaine this close, to feel all of this after attempting to bury it with everything else for months, Kurt needed to hear it. He needed to see the agony in Blaine's eyes, the regretting welling up out of the other man and bubbling up to tangle with his own.

"If you never forgive me or even talk to me after today, I'll understand," Blaine continued hoarsely, as though he was trying his best to hold back his sobs and heartache.

It was in that moment that Kurt realized that his heart wasn't the only one Blaine had broken that day. It was a comfort for him to know that, to realize that even then – even now – he still meant the world to Blaine.

"I've done the absolute worst thing I could possibly do to you. I broke your heart and your trust and I don't deserve to have either back," Blaine stated, his voice shaking, but still strong despite the tears pooling in his eyes. "I won't ask you to give me either or try to force you to listen like I have been. That was wrong, and I'm sorry for that, and for daring to blame you for my own actions when I first told you. And I– Kurt, I'm trying so hard to do everything I can to make this right, to find a way to not hate myself and I don't want you carrying any of this around either. I hate that my own thoughtless, selfish action ends with me losing you forever and you always remembering this as the end of your first love. I never meant for any of this to happen and I just… I don't know how to make anything feel all right for you or myself anymore."

They were both silent for several minutes, letting their conversation sink into the air around them. Kurt's chest felt a little looser than it had an hour ago, more stable, but still damaged. Blaine's words had helped, more than he'd imagined, and seeing Blaine say them made everything a little more understandable to him.  
Kurt sniffed and dug a packet of tissues out of his coat pocket, wiping his nose and eyes. Blaine coughed and shivered across from him, standing up and looking terrified of whatever judgment Kurt was about to bring down on him. And for the first time, Kurt doubted what they'd had, what Blaine still meant to him. Despite knowing more he still didn't know how to forgive and move on, he didn't understand the lure of a stranger's arms in the hopes of comfort or why he hadn't cottoned on to the fact that Blaine's entire existent had somehow become defined by him. More than anything, though, he missed his best friend, the bright eyed, hopeful boy he'd always been able to be honest with.

"I miss you," Kurt said, reiterating what he'd said last night. "I miss my best friend, and I think that's part of why we fell apart. We stopped talking and being best friends. I want that back."

"Me, too," Blaine agreed quietly, raising his arm to drag his sleeve under his nose, but–

"No, don't," Kurt snapped, sounding slightly scolding as he knocked Blaine's arm away from his face. It was the first contact they'd had since October, and despite the layers of clothing blocking Blaine's skin from his fingertips, he could still feel the heat of Blaine. It made his stomach curl up pleasantly despite his angry feelings. He offered Blaine his packet of tissues. "Don't get snot all over your jacket, Blaine, honestly."

Blaine laughed lightly, ending on a hiccup, but took one of the tissues. "Thank you," he said quietly.

"I should get going," Kurt decided. "Rachel still needs to surprise her dads and– " Kurt paused, remembering for an instant one of the things he'd wanted to say to Blaine, but not knowing how to. "I– well, um– I have a date Monday night," he finally blurted out, his voice high and babbly as Blaine stiffened across from him.

"I– that's… good," Blaine decided, his voice toneless and his eyes distant. "You deserve to be happy, Kurt," Blaine said after another moment, and this time his voice was full of an honest warmth that made Kurt certain Blaine meant it.

"I… I'll be in touch?"

"Oh, um, yeah. All right," Blaine said, his voice attempting to be strong and bright, but Kurt realized he was still anything but fine, maybe even more so than he was. Kurt finally understood why that was, though. It had to be shattering not only to lose the person you were in love with, but to also realize how little of yourself you knew. There was still a lot of growing up Blaine had to do now that he was finding himself, and Kurt had a lot of pieces of himself to pick up from the destructive blow Blaine had brought, but he would be all right. His life was still moving forward, and Blaine was tentatively a part of that. He still had that anchor despite everything else.


	5. December, Part 1

A/N: Here's the next part! Time to start December for this story! Little bit more with Isaac in this one, so ha, enjoy that. And a big moment with Blaine and his parents.

Yup. Enjoy!

Second Fall

Isaac was adorably charming. After their first date, Kurt agreed to a second, being enthralled with the clumsy, funny man he'd taken a chance on. It felt nice to be smiled at and to smile in return, to get to know someone and feel better about himself. There were dozens of stories they shared that first evening, Isaac cataloguing his NYADA auditions for Kurt's entertainment and Kurt reciprocating with his own ridiculous tales from his Glee Club days.

But there was still a nagging sensation tugging at a corner of his brain that Kurt tried his best to ignore. He knew exactly what it was, too. Isaac wasn't Blaine. He didn't make him giddy with excitement, or cause his stomach to swoop pleasantly with just a bashful smile. Isaac was a terrific guy, but he was still in love with someone he couldn't allow himself to have right now. Or maybe ever. Rachel had assured him that moving on from a love that deep was hard and painful, that he'd probably see several guys for a few dates before he finally let go of that past, but right now his heart couldn't bear the thought. Even two months later, Kurt knew if he cracked open his chest and pulled his heart out that "Blaine Devon Anderon's" would be tattooed on its pulsing tissue, maybe rubbed slightly blurry after his heartbreak, but there all the same.

Still he tried to relax with Isaac, and it wasn't hard with such a great guy. Maybe if they took things very slow for a while, Kurt would finally be able to open his heart and accept more of Isaac, but for now he couldn't. But Isaac seemed to realize it; without a word, he'd clued in to Kurt's heartache and not pushed on holding his hand or a kiss or anything physical. Kurt would always be grateful for it.

The week leading up to his second NYADA audition was hectic for Kurt. He texted Blaine intermittently, mostly while watching his favorite television shows because he knew Blaine was watching as well. Brody and Rachel helped him late into the night to prepare for the audition, and Isaac was as sweet as ever, agreeing to come over to watch a movie with the three of them after a brutal, exhausting day instead of going out to dinner and a movie as they'd planned.

Kurt had expected him to be upset or decline, but Isaac was incredibly easy-going as he joined them, already knowing both Rachel and Brody from NYADA and _Callbacks_. As the other two cuddled up on the loveseat, Kurt and Isaac sat next to each other on the couch, close enough to touch, but still unsure, testing the waters and not wanting to push any boundaries they hadn't discussed yet.

"I love the part where she climbs the pole for the arrow," Isaac sighed happily as they watched Mulan scale the wooden pole. "This is one of my favorites."

"Mine, too," Kurt agreed quietly, glancing at Brody and Rachel who were absolutely not paying any attention to the movie anymore.

For a moment, Kurt thought that Isaac had tuned back into the television, but then a small, soft hand slid tentatively into his palm and tightened. Kurt tensed slightly, irresistibly reminded of Blaine. They'd always held hands on the couch in his living room while watching their favorite movies, though their positions had usually been quite different than his and Isaac's.

"I– sorry," Isaac apologized anxiously, his hand beginning to pull back. "I don't want to make you uncomfortable– I'm sorry, that was too soon and– "

"No, no, don't," Kurt cut in quickly, his stomach twisting with guilt. God, this man deserved so much better than what Kurt could give him right now. "I just… m- my ex used to do that and… "

"Oh," Isaac said. "He's… I don't want to rush into anything. You haven't said it but I know whatever happened hurt you a lot and– we're just good, casually dating friends, okay? No expectations right now."

Kurt smiled softly at his words and clasped his hand over Isaac's, his stomach flip-flopping nervously.

"Thank you," Kurt said sincerely, squeezing Isaac's hand and drawing a crinkle-eyed smile from him. "I… you're too sweet, you know that? But thank you. Slow is best right now. I don't– " Kurt bit his lip before he decided to plow on. He wanted Isaac to understand how much of his heart still lingered with Blaine and that there very well may never be anything substantial between them. "I don't know what I want out of us dating or hanging out or anything right now. I don't want you to get your hopes up, okay? I still… Blaine was my first everything, he always will be, and figuring out how to still love him but not be in love with him is hard."

"That's fine," Isaac assured him. "I– you just seemed nice and fun to be around. I've been there, too, so I get it. There's no harm in us being good friends or dating just to have a little fun together, to help you figure out where your heart is going."

Kurt smiled again, but this time it was wider, stronger, and more real. He could see himself falling for a guy like Isaac at some point in the future. All he had to do was ignore the part of his mind that was constantly reminding himself that he already had.

* * *

Blaine had expected time to lag at a torturous pace after his conversation with Kurt. Instead it flashed past him, one minute having him returning to a silent house that evening and the next it was several days into December and he'd already received a dozen text messages from Kurt. It was unbelievably nice to have that connection with Kurt again, to be able to talk to him, and, more importantly, to have had the chance to explain how he'd felt when he'd cheated and to get the majority of that out in the open.

He knew there was still a long way to go until things were completely settled between them, and the nagging little voice in his head kept reminding him that Kurt was _dating_ a guy called Isaac, but he pushed it aside. Right now he had to focus on himself, just as Kurt was, because he never wanted anything like this to ever happen again. Never in his life had Blaine imagined breaking someone's trust and heart like he had, and he needed to figure himself out better in order to prevent it from ever happening again.

By the sixth of the month, Blaine was busy with preparing a holiday party with Finn and Sam for the Glee Club. It was in part to celebrate their unexpected win at Sectionals and to celebrate before they all left for Winter Break. It was also the day that Blaine was hoping would be the start of a future at NYADA for Kurt, if Kurt chose that path. He'd come to realize how much Kurt loved working at Vogue, and in some sense he'd always seen the passion for fashion in his ex-boyfriend's eyes. But NYADA had been a huge dream for Kurt, and even if Blaine could see Kurt making an incredible life for himself in the fashion industry, it all came down to Kurt's decision.

Throughout the day he kept checking his phone, waiting for a clue as to what was happening with Kurt. His text message of "Courage" had been returned with a smiling face and a "Thanks," but Blaine hadn't heard anything since. After Glee Club, he drove home, settled in after a quick, lonely dinner and a shower, and tried to focus on his homework. His parents were out of town once more, on business in Vermont for the rest of the week, and Blaine was both relieved and uncomfortable with the silence. He was used to it since he'd returned from boarding at Dalton, and it gave him plenty of uninterrupted time to think and talk to himself about what he'd done to Kurt and how to better himself, but tonight it was not what he needed. But his mind continued to wander, both to the result of Kurt's second audition and to how attached he still was despite meaning to pull back more and focus on himself.

By ten o'clock, Blaine had nearly given up hope of a call or message, and was berating himself for already sinking back into some type of dependency on Kurt's happiness. Or maybe he was over thinking it. This was huge for Kurt and he cared about Kurt more than anyone else. There was no reason not to be anxious for an answer; that was part of being friends again.

As he settled into bed, phone plugged in and charging on his bed-side table, Blaine closed his eyes tightly and tried to hold down the little flash of hurt grinding against his heart. He had no right to expect an answer from Kurt and shouldn't have gotten his hopes up so soon after such a brutally honest conversation, but–

His phone began buzzing, vibrating against the wooden table and Blaine rolled over quickly, lurking up and snatching it up on the second ring.

Blaine barely had a moment to take a steadying breath to say a greeting when Kurt and Rachel's voices burst through his phone.

"He was fantastic!"

"I think I got in!"

But then a third, unfamiliar voice echoed in the background and Blaine's chest tightened around his heart until it felt like a small part of him was suffocating.

"Kurt, you were brilliant! I knew you would be!"

Isaac. That must be Isaac. It didn't sound like Brody from what Blaine could recall, and, sure enough, Brody's voice came through a few seconds later, driving the point home for him.

"T- that's great," Blaine congratulated, hating how strained his voice sounded, but he deserved this agony. He'd done this to himself and Kurt had every right to be happy and find that happiness with someone else. "I knew you'd kill it again."

The other three with Kurt continued to talk loudly and happily in the background, but Kurt seemed to have started to move away, because their voices faded some and then Kurt's excited, pleased voice was pressing against his ear.

"I wish you could have been there like last time," Kurt whispered, and Blaine could hear the grin in his voice. "I was so nervous, and I used a song I didn't think she'd want to hear, but– "

"It doesn't matter what song you sing, you'll always be amazing, Kurt," Blaine told him sincerely, settling back down in his bed and hugging his pillow to his chest.

"Thanks, I– how are you? How's the holiday party coming along?"

"It's– the party should be great," Blaine replied, closing his eyes and attempting to imagine his pillow was Kurt in his arms, that they were laying side by side, their noses brushing as they whispered and talked late into the night, about their future together, the exciting things they wanted to do, and how much they loved each other. Just like they used to.

"And you? You're okay, right?" Kurt reiterated, sounding a little less happy at the unanswered question left hanging in the air. It surprised Blaine slightly and shattered the illusion he'd been trying to enfold himself in, but he had to stop doing that. That comfort wasn't his to have anymore; he had to find that strength within himself.

"I'm… all right for the most part, I think," Blaine decided quietly.

"You think?" Kurt echoed, sounding nervous and concerned. "Are you– "

"I'm just… still struggling to figure myself out and… you know, accept what I've done enough to forgive myself for it all," Blaine grumbled, blinking away a few stray tears. "It's hard to know myself when I haven't been me in so long, I guess, and there's a lot of… bad memories that go along with that."

"Oh," Kurt said, and Blaine knew from the tone that Kurt had understood his reference to include recent things and his past nightmares. "You'll get there, Blaine. It's all part of growing up, right? I know I had a lot of struggles to get through to be who I am now. Hell, if I was still the boy I was when I first started McKinley, I wouldn't be friends with Rachel, let alone living with her."

Blaine smiled and laughed softly at Kurt's confession. He'd heard plenty about Kurt when he was a few years younger, scathing, brave, but still a little timid and unsure of himself – still bullied and willing to let it change the person he knew he was.

"It's getting easier, especially now that we're talking again," Blaine told him. "And Sam, god, he's helped so much. Besides you, he's… he's the first really close friend I've had in a long time. Even if he's insisting that I'm Cyclops and he's Wolverine, but that's nonsense because he could never style his hair right for that look– "

Kurt's laughter cut him off, and Blaine blushed a little, realizing that Kurt had probably not understood any of that.

"You– I don't know who those things are, but, wow, I can still picture it," Kurt giggled as a trio of voices grew louder. "Oh, they're coming to drag me out of my room. I'll call you once I get a letter from NYADA, okay?"

"Yeah," Blaine agreed, his heart sinking slightly as Isaac's voice reached Kurt's phone.

"Hey, come on! There's a great movie on and I've already called the couch for us– "

"Goodnight, Blaine!"

"Night," Blaine replied, followed by an echoing click as Kurt hung up. It stung, not as badly as the hang up mid "I love you" had, but it still hurt him.

Somehow he had to stop this, stop pining and moping before it became entirely too awkward and too much for Kurt to handle. If he didn't find a way to set his feelings aside, then this would never work. Every day it would eat at him, and every call about what Kurt should wear for this date or that date would plague him. If he didn't focus in on himself and what was right, he was going to end up losing his best friend all over again. Only this time, it would be permanent.

* * *

After he hung up, Kurt allowed himself to be dragged out of his room by an excited Isaac. They joined Rachel and Brody in the main room, where the television was already playing the opening credits to whatever movie they'd chosen. Kurt honestly didn't care what the movie was, he was still on a high from the success of his audition, the words of praise at having better his voice since the spring, and the hope welling in his chest that this time he would get it. They'd take him as a student and then the real choice would have to be made.

His letter from Parsons had already arrived a few days ago and Kurt had debated whether or not sending it off with an acceptance letter immediately, because he felt like his heart was already made up for him. The idea of performing and NYADA was a huge fantasy of his. It was a dream and a fantastic hobby he liked to dabble into, but it wasn't his passion. When it had always come down to it, when he was stressed or struggling, he'd taken to doodling outfit ideas, designs, and so forth to relieve some of his tension. It was his absolute favorite thing to do, something he'd been doing since he'd been a toddler, and now with the realization in front of him, the choice felt like it had already been made.

"You were great," Isaac gushed as Kurt dropped down on the couch next to him. An arm curled around his shoulders as Isaac tucked his legs under himself and beamed at him. "I can't believe you can hit notes that high, just,_wow_."

Kurt smiled, realizing for the first time just how close they were. He could see himself reflected in the other man's bright brown eyes, could feel his stomach give a little attempt at a swooping motion as Isaac's head tilted slightly, his eyes darting back and forth between Kurt's hesitantly.

It took two seconds for Kurt to figure out that he was suddenly being kissed, softly, chastely, and that there was no hint of cinnamon on his lips or the scent of raspberries invading his nostrils from an abundance of hair gel. He returned the kiss regardless, more on instinct than anything else, smiling a little as he caught a taste of chocolate as his eyes slipped closed.

And as they kissed, Kurt waited. Waited for the brush of a thumb over his jaw as a hand cupped his face, or the little nibble on his bottom lip as the other man exhaled. There was nothing familiar in the sensation of having his eyes closed and being kissed, and even before he blinked open as Isaac pulled away, he knew what he wanted to see wouldn't be there.

Sure enough, the warm hazel eyes his mind envisioned melted away into a deep, but bright brown, still warm, but not the same – not _his_.

"Was that– that was okay, right?" Isaac breathed nervously, biting his lip. "I'm sorry. I just– I'm so happy for you and I've wanted to do that all week and– "

"No, hey, no. It was nice," Kurt assured him, and it had been. His lips were tingling and kissing Isaac had certainly been pleasant, if unexpected, but it wasn't the same. Isaac's kisses weren't the ones his heart was longing for.

"It wasn't too soon?" Isaac asked uncertainly, glancing at the television and then at Rachel and Brody, completely engrossed in each other.

"No, that was… I've never kissed anyone that's counted besides Blaine," Kurt confessed, his cheeks feeling warm. "We sort of learned what we liked together and… "

"Oh, yeah…" Isaac replied, looking a little lost and sad.

"No, no! Don't– that's not what I meant," Kurt said quickly, wincing with guilt as Isaac looked up at him. "I'm sorry. It's just… different. Not in a bad way, just_different_."

"But okay?"

"Yeah," Kurt agreed. After a few seconds, he added shyly, tentatively, "Could we… try it again maybe? When I'm a little bit more prepared?"

Isaac beamed once more, eyes brightening as he leaned back in, slower this time, his eyes catching Kurt's gaze right before their lips met. Kurt hoped by the end of this one that Blaine's eyes wouldn't haunt his vision, but even as their lips slowly learned to move together, he knew they would for a long time.

* * *

Time zipped back for Blaine after that. There were more text messages, more phone calls, but somehow the distance really started to sink into him once more, only this time it didn't throb and ache like an open wound. Maybe he was bettering himself and growing into a stronger individual. Those feelings the day of Kurt's audition had to have been nerves over Kurt's NYADA fate and not the same dependency he knew he couldn't rely on anymore.

The middle of December rolled around, his parents returned from Vermont, and for the first time in months, thinking about Kurt didn't ache. It didn't even hurt him to think of the other boy and Blaine hoped that was a good sign. He still loved him but it felt more manageable, less of a priority and simply something that was real and true. There was no anxiousness in him for confirmation of their love when he called now, and something about having fewer expectations for both of them made reconnecting easier.

They sent silly text messages about people they saw throughout the day, Blaine updated Kurt on Glee Club happenings while Kurt kept him informed about his work and NYADA. Overall their communication had become exponentially better without the added weight of their love and a romantic relationship in the mix.

On the fourteenth, Blaine headed home after school instead of staying to box like he typically did. Sam had been out sick for the day and the exercise was much less fun by himself. He drove home the long way, cruising through the neighborhoods by his own to see the snow covered houses and the Christmas decorations filling yards and roofs.

When he finally pulled into his driveway, Blaine was surprised to see his father home from work already. If it had been this time next week, it would have made sense, but it was still almost two weeks until Christmas so his father's presence in the house was odd.

Once inside, Blaine heard the murmur of his parents voices from the kitchen, which stopped abruptly as the door clicked closed behind him. This had something to do with him then. There was nobody else that would ever be expected home at this hour, nobody else that had a key besides Cooper, who visited once a year at best.

"Blaine? Sweetheart, is that you?"

Blaine stiffened slightly at the tearful sound of his mother's voice. Had someone died? There was no other reason he could think of or call for his mother ever sounding like that and yet…

"Yeah, Sam was out sick so I skipped on boxing today," Blaine called in reply. He slid his gloves, hat, and coat off and hung them up by the door.

"Will you come in here for a minute?" James hollered. "There's… there's something important we need to discuss."

Brow furrowed, Blaine set his backpack down, and headed towards the kitchen. That didn't sound like the beginning of a conversation about a relative dying, not with that tone. His father sounded stern, a little unnerved, too. Slowly Blaine stepped into the expansive kitchen, finding his mother seated at the island with a pile of mail and a small brown package. Next to her, James was standing facing the entry way, arms folded and a frown of his face. He nodded towards the barstool around the counter's edge from his mother.

"Sit," his father commanded, and Blaine clenched his teeth together tightly, but obeyed automatically.

As his mother wipe at her eyes with a paper towel, Blaine slid onto the bar stool and faced his father across the counter, still towering above the two of them, the pile of mail and the package separating them.

The package was pushed towards him as Blaine looked his father, glancing at his mother's re eyes, but she looked, oddly enough, happy. Completely thrown by the differences in his parents' moods, Blaine turned back to his father just as he began speaking.

"_This_ came in the mail today," his father began evenly. "It's for you."

Even more confused than before, Blaine glanced down, and found that the package was actually open even though the cardboard flaps were down. As he read the address it had come from, though, his heart plummeted. Maine, from the jeweler's company he'd contacted over the summer.

Heart in his throat, Blaine stared over at his father's stony expression and his mother's little tearful smile.

"It's– I bought it over the summer," Blaine began to explain, swallowing thickly. "I didn't know when I'd use it or– "

"An _engagement ring_!" James shouted, his fist slamming down on the pile of letters. A few slid off the counter and onto the floor. Blaine and his mother jumped and a small hiccup escaped her.

"James, please, don't start this– "

"This is a ridiculous phase and I cannot believe we've let it go on until it's reached this point, Lyra," James cut in sharply. "He's far too young to even be entertaining the idea of marriage, especially to some _boy_."

"James, he's in love! Just because you won't let yourself understand that who he loves doesn't matter doesn't mean that it's not real!"

Jaw tight, Blaine watched his mother rise from her bar stool, eyes dry now and mouth set in a firm frown. It was the first time in his memory that he could ever recall her standing up for his sexuality. His throat went dry as he watched her pop open the flaps of the little box and pull out the black velvet ring box, a few pieces of packing Styrofoam clinging to it and her fingers. She brushed them off, opened the box, and held it up for James to see.

"This is a beautiful gift to represent a beautiful, incredible part of our son's life, James," she went on, voice soft and wistful. "I know it's not what you wanted for Blaine and I know he's young, but isn't this how you wanted your son's life to go? For him to fall in love and be so sure of it at seventeen that he's ready to commit to something that isn't even legal for him and Kurt in most states? Do you realize how huge and different that is for him than it was for us? Do you even remember how we felt when we first fell in love? Right before we got engaged? Don't you want that for him?"

"I– that's not what–" James stammered helplessly, gaze dropping as his jaw worked furious. He massaged his forehead for several minutes as Lyra moved in a bit closer, rubbing his neck and still holding the open ring box in his direct line of sight.

"I know how hard this is for you to get, especially with how you were raised. There were times when I thought the same after Blaine first told us, but _this_" – she moved the little box slightly as James looked up and into her eyes – "this isn't something to hide or that's wrong. This is _love_, James. Please, don't tell our son he isn't allowed to have that in his life."

James said nothing, staring down at the box for a long time and Blaine swallowed and dabbed at his eyes. His chest felt like a game of ping pong was going on inside of it. He'd known his mother was more open to the idea, less stern about the person he should grow up to be, but when he'd walked in here ten minutes ago, he'd never expected her to defend him like this. Not once he'd seen where the package had come from.

"Blaine, I– this is tough for me, buddy," James began awkwardly, his fingers pinching the bridge of his nose. "Especially after watching you go through that Sadie Hawkins incident thing. I never want to see that happen to you again. For years I've just wanted this to go away so it won't, but… " His gaze shifted down to the ring box in his wife's hand. Carefully he plucked it from her grip and set it on the counter, spinning it around and towards Blaine, whose breath caught slightly as he laid eyes on the simple, silver band for the first time.

"I– _wow_," Blaine whispered, pulling it towards him as tears formed in his eyes. For a few moments, his father's unfinished sentence faded away as he stared down into the little box. It hit him all at once, what this ring symbolized and how much of that was gone so far beyond his reach now. He'd ruined any chance of getting to see Kurt wear this or of one day exchanging it for a wedding band. "It's– I'd forgotten I'd bought it," Blaine sniffed, wiping at his eyes as he plucked the ring from the box and examined it more carefully. "It's– wow, it's perfect."

The outside of the band was plain, a dull but pleasant silver. The inside was the reason he'd had it made, though. Tucked along the inside of the band was the indent of his fingerprint, sunken into the silver where he had hoped it would someday permanently rest against Kurt's skin.

_The touch of a fingertip is as sexy as it gets._

As soon as he'd seen it online, he'd known it was the one he wanted to propose to Kurt with someday, whether it was five months or five years from now. All of that was lost to him now, and the echoing reminder of Kurt's words made his throat tight and raw.

"It's _beautiful_, Blaine," his mother gushed, stepping over to him and hugging him from behind. "He's going to love it whether you decide to give it to him now or–"

"I can't," Blaine choked out, and suddenly the tears in his eyes weren't happy ones from his mother's defense of his love, but painful, anguished reminders of how foolish he'd been. "God, I ruined everything. I was so _stupid_ and– "

"Blaine, what?" his mother's voice turned concerned and worried. "How have you ruined everything, dear? Kurt loves you just as much as you love him– "

"He cheated, Lyra, " James informed her quietly, his eyes flashing up to meet Blaine's regretfully. "Kurt broke up with him."

"You– "

His mother glanced in disbelief from her husband and back to her younger son. Blaine hung his head in shame, his stomach churning as his mother digested this new, unbelievable piece of information.

"But why? Sweetheart, that's so unlike you. This doesn't make any sense," his mother continued, shaking her head as if it would dislodge the memory of her husband's words forming in her mind.

"I– Mama, it was– I thought he was leaving me behind because we never talked, and he had this whole other life in New York and had no interest in mine anymore and my love didn't feel like it was enough anymore," Blaine rambled tearfully. Now that the words had started falling out of his mouth he couldn't stop them. "I thought he didn't love me anymore and I just– I've never done anything so stupid in my life, and we're talking now, but… I ruined us because I couldn't handle it and I'm trying so hard to make everything right but– "

"Shh, come here," his mother soothed, leaning down and holding him tightly against her. A gentle hand brushed over the ungelled hair at the nape of his neck as his father's hand closed the still open ring box.

"He's talking to you?" his father asked, looking surprised.

"Y- yeah, he was home for a few days around Thanksgiving and we… talked. A lot," Blaine mumbled, slowly pulling out his mother's arms.

"Did you tell him what you just told us?" his father continued.

Blaine nodded as his mother continued to stroke the back of his neck. "W- We both made mistakes leading up to that, but it's still no excuse. Even if I n- never get to give this to him," Blaine said quietly, picking up the velvet box and examining it from all sides, "he's still my best friend. I want us to have that again, even if it's all we ever are."

His parents were silent for a few minutes as Blaine passed the box back and forth between his hands, trying to decide what he was going to do with it now. He knew there were no returns unless it was damaged or the wrong cut and even they'd send the proper one. The ring was his, and the idea of having it sitting around in his room, collecting dust and slowly absorbing all of the beautiful memories he had together with Kurt, made him nauseous.

"I think you'll find your way back to each other," his father decided suddenly, and it surprised Blaine so much he nearly toppled off of his bar stool in his haste to look up. "I– look, Blaine, I'm still not… I want you to be happy," his father settled on awkwardly. "You're my son and I love you, but this has always been difficult for me, and I think part of that was seeing you with Kurt and knowing that what you two shared _was_ real. It scared me, everything about you being… being g- gay does after that beating you took before you went to Dalton."

Amazement trickled through Blaine at his father's sincere words. This day was full of surprises for him and right now he was incredibly overwhelmed, both by his father's unexpected, and rather misguided, acceptance, and the arrival of the ring he'd bought for Kurt before Kurt had left for New York months ago.

"Y- you mean that?" Blaine stammered hopefully, trying not to get his hopes up anymore when his heart was already crushed down and stuffed in the little velvet box in his hand.

James nodded and reached out to grip Blaine's shoulder tighter. "I'm sorry for what I said on Thanksgiving. It was cruel and wrong. There's no excuse but my own fear and ignorance and– "

Blaine shook his head and got to his feet. "Don't, Dad. I– I forgive you, okay? Knowing this more than makes up for that."

For the first time in years, James eased Blaine into his arms, uncertainly and loosely at first, but then tighter when Blaine returned the embrace. Once again Blaine felt like crying, and it was something he did so much these days as he struggled to accept his flaws and mistakes, that it wasn't even strange to feel a few tears fall.

"He'll let you back into his heart," his father whispered against his hair. "If you can forgive that, then I know he'll forgive your mistakes, too. That's all part of love, Blaine, sometimes it has to hurt more than anything to make you realize how much it's worth it."

* * *

His father spent the weekend with him, much to Blaine's surprise. For the most part they watched football together, arguing over Ohio State's chances this year and which NFL teams would progress to the Super Bowl in a few months. It was the first time they had bonded so easily in years, not since Blaine had been a young boy, trying to follow in his older brother's footsteps by joining the local peewee soccer league. There was nothing forced or fake about their interactions since before Blaine had come out, and when a letter from Julliard was discovered in the mail Saturday evening, his parents were actually thrilled by its arrival.

"They gave you an audition, sweetheart! Oh my gosh!"

Blaine stared down at the letter in amazement, his mother hugging him tightly as his father smiled proudly – his dad was _proud_ of him again – and attempted to ruff his hair like he had years ago. Instead he pulled his fingers away with a disgusted noise and grabbed a towel to wipe the off his fingers.

"You really should tone down the gel, Blaine," his father told him.

"I– sorry," Blaine babbled, trying to flatten the spot his father had touched, and desperately hoping that Sam and his father didn't meet and begin tag teaming him about how he styled his hair. Sam had been bugging him for almost a month now about toning it down or trying "a moose". For once Blaine hadn't bothered to correct his friend because he hadn't wanted to stay on the topic for too long. "I can't believe it."

He read over the letter once more, seeing the date for his audition in January to be set either at Julliard or a location near him, depending on his preference.

"I have to call Kurt," Blaine decided breathlessly. He had to share his news with his best friend, and while Sam certainly qualified as that, he wouldn't understand Blaine's excitement in the same way that Kurt would. "He'll– I just– he's going to be so excited and– "

His phone buzzed in his pocket and, with a jolt, Blaine pulled it out, half expecting Kurt's face to be on his screen, almost as though the other had sensed his excitement and good news. Only it wasn't Kurt's face flashing on his screen, it was the entire Hummel-Hudson family. Kurt's house was calling him, which meant it was either Sam, too lazy to find his phone, or Burt or Carole. Stomach twisting at the implications of the last two people, and the short, terrible list of why they'd call him out of the blue, Blaine accepted the call.

"Hello?"

"Hey, kiddo. It's Burt."

The cheerful sound of Kurt's father's voice made the tension that had begun to tighten his body leak out.

"Hi, um" – Blaine glanced over at his parents, watching him but still examining the first of what he hoped would be a number of acceptance letters – "is there a, err, reason you're calling? I mean, Kurt's okay, right?"

"Oh, yeah. Yeah, he's fine," Burt assured him, still sounding quite pleased with himself. "And the way he talks, I think he could do with a visit from his best friend for Christmas."

"What do you– _oh_," Blaine gaped at his phone for a few seconds, suddenly remembering the offer Burt had given him at the shelter on Thanksgiving. "Wouldn't Carole o- or Finn be a better choice? Not that I don't want to see him, but– "

"Finn's insisting on handling around Lima to see Rachel, Puck, Quinn, and the others," Burt told him, with a sigh. "Carole's working for the holiday since she had last year off and Sam's going to be with his family, so I figured you might still want my extra ticket."

"I'd, um– my parents probably won't want me to– "

"Who is it, Blaine?" his mother's voice broke in, her hand gently rubbing over his arm.

"I– could you hold on for a minute, Mr. H– Burt?"

"Yeah, sure."

His father joined his mother by his side. "Kurt's dad? He's all right, isn't he?"

"What? Oh, yeah, they're all fine. It's just–" Blaine hesitated for a few seconds, not knowing the best way to mention the offer to his parents. With the change that had suddenly started within their relationships, this might be the very first Christmas where they all got along and had a happy holiday together. He wasn't sure if they would want him to pass that up for a few days with Kurt and Burt in New York. "Burt has an extra ticket to New York. To visit Kurt," he elaborated, watching their expressions closely. "He wants me to go with him, says Kurt wants to see me and– "

"Go," his father commanded instantly, and Blaine was momentarily stunned by the quick decision. "If Kurt wants to see you… then go."

"Are you sure? I mean, we're supposed to have Cooper in town and– "

"Blaine," his father began, voice soft but firm. "You've made a huge mistake with your relationship, but he's giving you another chance to be his friend. He wants to be your friend. Don't pass up a chance at that just for another boring Christmas with us. If he's the love of your life like you say he is, then show him that. See him, be there for him, do whatever it takes to earn back that trust."

Mesmerized by his father's heartfelt words, Blaine gazed up at his sincere eyes for several moments, searching for some hint of doubt or regret. There was nothing but acceptance there for the first time in Blaine's life and he welcomed it as he nodded and held his phone back up to his ear.

"Burt? What time do we leave?"


	6. December, Part 2

A/N: Hoy hoy hoy, you've probably decided that I've forgotten all about this one, eh? But alas, I return! Here's the second of three December parts. I'm about mid-January at the moment, so I'll probably post the last of December tomorrow or Wednesday. The main chunk of this story only goes through Valentine's then March, April, and May will have much shorter parts until it reaches the end around Kurt's birthday.

So enjoy this almost 9K update! The next one will be pretty close to that long, and then there's New Year's Eve (which I'm including in January because of reasons) and Sadie Hawkins happenings.

Second Fall

_December, Part 2_

Kurt couldn't believe how fast the holidays arrived for him. Before he realized it was December, Rachel was sitting for her final exams, and then starting to pack up for her solo trip home to Lima. Brody and Isaac were heading home for the holidays as well, and while Kurt didn't mind the first one too much, he suddenly realized he was going to miss having Isaac around quite a bit. The two of them had grown closer in the weeks leading up to Christmas, and despite all of his doubts and low moments where it hit him that Isaac was never going to be what Blaine was to him, he still liked him.

The four of them spent their last evening together walking around the city, checking out the enormous tree in Rockefeller Center and having a last bit of shopping fun before they went their own ways for the holidays. Kurt was staying in town, both for work and because his father had decided months ago that for this first Christmas with Kurt out on his own, he was going to visit him instead.

He was excited and also a bit nervous to have his father in his very own apartment for the first time. Burt wouldn't be judgmental about the rickety old door, the bad light fixtures, or the water heater that liked to pretend it didn't know its purpose, but Kurt still felt a little self-conscious about having him there to see where he lived.

After work on the twenty-first, Kurt headed to the train station with Isaac and Rachel, who had already seen Brody off at the airport, and said his goodbyes to them for the next week or two.

"Oh, I'm going to miss you so much!" Rachel whined, pouting slightly as she dove into his arms and squeezed him tightly. "It's going to be so weird without you around all the time."

"Hey, but we'll both have complete privacy," Kurt reminded her with an amused eye roll. "I don't think either of our hearts could handle another nudity encounter."

"Oh, god! Don't even mention that, Kurt. That was mortifying– I mean, seeing you wasn't so bad because you're gorgeous– but you walking in on me?" Rachel shook her head dramatically, looking embarrassed. "I'm surprised you didn't faint or something. Naked women isn't exactly something you're used to seeing."

"Or want to," Kurt added with half cringe, half laugh.

"Oh, I'm going to miss you," Rachel sighed, hugging him tightly as her train was called. "That's me!" She hopped backwards out of his arms, straightened her little hat, and gave Isaac a brief hug. "I'll tell everyone you said 'Hi', okay? And if there– do you want me to give anything to anyone?"

"My dad's taking back my gifts for everyone," Kurt reminded her, and he knew what she was actually trying to hint at, only she wasn't bold enough to mention him buying a present for Blaine in front of Isaac.

The thought of Blaine made his chest feel tight. They'd talked on the phone and Skype a lot since Thanksgiving, but it wasn't the same. Just as it hadn't been after he'd moved here and left Blaine in Lima. It was different, and more than anything this Christmas, he really wanted to see Blaine in person; to hug him and see him smile and feel the warmth of his gaze as they watched Miracle of 34th Street for the third year running. That wasn't going to happen though. Blaine was with his family for the holidays and Kurt was staying in New York, working a few days next week between Christmas and the New Year, and spending as much time with his father as possible.  
The whistle sounded for Rachel's train once more and she scampered off with her little suitcase rattling along in her wake.

"She's something else, isn't she?" Isaac laughed, shaking his head in both amusement and disbelief.

"You should have met her three years ago," Kurt informed him, lifting his eyebrows significantly. "Absolute nightmare. Sent one of our best new singers to a crack house once just so she wouldn't take her spotlight."

"You can't be– are you kidding me?" Isaac gasped in disbelief.

"She wouldn't be Rachel if I was," Kurt quipped, giving the other man a teasing smile. He waited a beat and tentatively stepped forward to hug him. "I'm going to miss you."

Isaac squeezed him back. "Me, too, Kurt. I, uh– there's something I wanted to ask you before I go."

Surprised by the seriousness of Isaac's tone, Kurt pulled back slowly, stomach fluttering nervously. "Y- you do?"

Eyes bright and anxious, Isaac kept his arms looped around Kurt's waist and bit his lip.

"I, um, well– " Isaac took a deep breath and Kurt suddenly found himself dreading the question about to be directed to him. "So I know we've kind of defined our relationship as 'dating friends', and I love that, I do, Kurt, but… I was hoping, if you wanted to, that we could upgrade that a little?"

Mouth dry, Kurt managed to mumble, "What do you mean?"

"I'm not saying boyfriends!" Isaac yelped, looking terrified at Kurt's less than stellar reaction. "I know you aren't ready for that yet, but I want us t- to be exclusive? Like, when someone asks, I want us to be able to say we're dating someone and that you aren't just a friend."

"Oh," Kurt breathed, and a swirl of confusing emotions spun through him. Part of him had expected Isaac to ask him to be his boyfriend, and part of him was thrilled Isaac was putting another step between that to give him time to adjust to their growing relationship. But he didn't feel like it was fair to Isaac – sweet, nervous, clumsy Isaac – to have to keep such a slow pace because Kurt was so unsure about everything.

Isaac bit his lip once more, looking a little dejected at Kurt's lack of response. "I really like you, Kurt, and I- I know you aren't ready for that step yet, but I just want to feel like we're more to each other than just friends. We are, aren't we?"

"I wouldn't kiss you if you were just a friend," Kurt reminded his softly, reaching up and stroking back a few wild strands of blond hair. "I do like you, I just feel like I'm leading you on because of how confused all of my feelings still are, Isaac. That's not fair to you if you want more and I can't make up my mind."

Isaac stared down at the ground and Kurt felt even worse at the sight. He wished more than anything he had a day with Blaine, to really close everything off, to let his heart figure out where it needed to be right now, but he didn't.

"It's okay," Isaac decided, shaking his head. "I knew it was stupid to ask you so soon. You're just– I don't want to rush you into anything, okay? But, god, it's so hard not to want a little more when you smile at me like that."

Blushing, Kurt ducked his head as Isaac glanced back up at him.

"You don't have to give me an answer right now or anything," Isaac added. "It's just… whenever you're ready, know that I am, too."

Kurt smiled at his understanding words, at the obvious affection and tenderness Isaac already had for him. He wanted that so much and, for the life of him, he didn't understand why he was holding himself back. Yes, he still loved Blaine, but he had when they were friends before. They were mending and joking and beginning their relationship all over again. There was no logical reason not to say yes to Isaac when being with him made Kurt happy. Yet…

The attachment he felt wasn't the same as it had been with Blaine. Kurt didn't know if that meant he was heading down a road where he would fall in love with Isaac or if he simply enjoyed his company as a friend. That, more than anything, held him back, because if it was the latter and he led Isaac on to feeling more… he didn't think he'd be able to forgive himself for that heartbreak.

"You're one of the sweetest people I've ever met," Kurt told him, bending down slightly to kiss him briefly. "Just give me a few days to get this sorted out in my head, okay? Spending time with you makes me happy, but how I feel… it's different than last time and not how I've ever felt with anyone else before, so I'm just… confused on what my feelings are, I guess."

Isaac smiled up at him, but for the first time in Kurt's memory , it didn't reach his eyes.

"I still get a goodbye kiss, right?"

"Of course," Kurt agreed as the smaller man leaned in and kissed him once more, soft and slow, his lips moved against Kurt's with a more passionate, but less practiced, ease. It made Kurt's throat feel tight because of all of the emotion Isaac was pouring into it, but still he felt very little, not how Kurt thought he should feel when someone was kissing him like this – not at all like he'd felt when Blaine had kissed him this way.

Isaac pulled back slowly, brushing his fingers over Kurt's cheek like he was memorizing his face and the texture one last time. It felt horribly like a real goodbye and Kurt didn't understand it all because they had so much fun together and liked each other but–

"You'll never love anyone like you love him, Kurt," Isaac deduced, looking sad as his train was called to begin boarding. "I understand that, and I understand you not wanting to go back to him after what happened, but that doesn't change who your heart belongs to. You're an incredible man, Kurt, but this isn't going to work, is it?"

"I– Isaac, I don't– "

Isaac's train was called once more as he leaned up and pecked Kurt on the cheek. "I still want to be friends, and if you ever want to settle for less than what your heart needs, then I'll be quite happy to be that, but I can't keep getting closer to you when I know that– "

"Isaac, I don't understand," Kurt cut in, throat tight and heart hammering. "We're– we're taking things slow and I know you want– "

"I love you, Kurt," Isaac said simply.

Kurt's words stopped and his brain froze at the admission, and in that instant there was only one thought that actually became coherent for him. _I'm in love with Blaine._

Isaac laughed sadly, and shook his head regretfully. "There are some loves you can't let go of, Kurt, and I can tell just by the look on your face right now that Blaine is yours. You still love him, and even if what he did was horrible, that doesn't mean you two can't figure this out. I don't want to stand in the way of that."

The final boarding call rang out and Isaac grabbed his bag and squeezed Kurt's hand once more. "I'll see you after Christmas. Have a good holiday with your dad, all right?"

"I– Isaac, I'm sorry," Kurt managed to stammer, and he meant it. God, he'd never meant anything more in his life. This was all so unfair to the other man. All he'd done was make Kurt happy and smile and tried to give a part of himself to Kurt, and Kurt couldn't do the same. Not yet, not ever with Isaac maybe, and the thought killed him.

"Don't be," Isaac assured him. "You can't help how you feel anymore than I can, and for now we'll be friends. Who knows, maybe I'll find my own lifelong love on the train ride home, right?"

Kurt wilted slightly at his words, more at the obvious pain there and the rejection. As quickly as he could, Kurt hugged him again, apologizing between his babbles of how great Isaac was.

"I'm going to want to meet this guy at some point though," Isaac told him with a teasing smile. "Just to see what you see in him."

"Final boarding call– "

"Hurry! You'll miss your train– "

And then Isaac was gone, with a last wistful smile and a small wave. Kurt felt like his heart should be breaking all over again, and, in some ways, it did hurt to watch Isaac disappear. His chest didn't feel as swollen as it had though; if anything, it felt like part of his heart had been pieced together, or rather the strength and joy he'd found with Isaac had started to stitch him back up. Blaine was still there in his heart, and now, with Isaac's help, Kurt understood that that was where he would always be, it was just a matter of figuring out if he could live without him or not.

* * *

Blaine spent the majority of the train ride to New York pacing the car. Burt had laughed at him at first, then assured him he was making the right choice, and now the older man had fallen asleep as they passed through Pennsylvania.

His heart had been pounding like crazy since he'd said goodbye to his parents that morning. They'd let him miss school that day in order to go with Burt, and while Sam and the others at McKinley had been upset to hear he'd miss the holiday party he'd been helping to plan, they were still glad he was going to see Kurt for Christmas. Only Sam and Finn knew the extent of what had occurred between him and Kurt but the others had figured out something beyond a normal break up had happened.

As the train continued to lug its way towards New York City, Blaine messed with the velvet black box tucked away in his pocket. He hadn't shown it to Burt, hadn't even known why he was bringing it. There was absolutely no way he was going to propose to Kurt, not now, probably not ever given what had happened, but he didn't feel right keeping it or hiding such a thing from Kurt. Even if he only gave it to Kurt for Christmas, along with the fabulous new scarf he'd picked for the other man, it didn't matter if Kurt ever found it in his heart to open it or not. Letting this go was a step forward for him; it meant growing past the age where he thought what they'd had in high school was going to be as simple as what the real world would hand them.

Outside of the window, the landscape beyond grew darker as the sun set. Blaine finally sat down beside Burt, pulling up his lap tray and digging a notebook out of his bag. He'd have to explain a little bit of why he was giving this to Kurt now and why Kurt should only open it for one reason, but for now he settled for putting pen to paper and writing out everything clogging up his heart.

* * *

Kurt was distracted all day at work. Fortunately it was several days after their last deadline before Christmas, so there wasn't an abundance of activity happening at . A fair few of his co-workers had already left for their vacations and he and Isabelle had their branch to themselves for the most part. At six, he said goodbye to Isabelle until the week after Christmas, then headed to his apartment.

An hour ago, his father had texted him to tell him know his train was almost there and that he would meet Kurt at his apartment. Kurt hadn't liked the idea, but his father had insisted on not putting Kurt farther out of his way than necessary. He was exhausted from his goodbyes this morning and then working all day, so he eventually agreed to the arrangement.

His apartment was cold, dark, and empty when he got back around seven o'clock. Kurt thought it was odd to not have his father waiting outside in the hall or to have even found a way through the heavy, but weak, front door to sit there and greet him. On instinct, Kurt checked his phone and found that he'd missed a text message while he was on the rickety, loud subway journey home.

_Burt (6:34 P.M.): Going to be a little late, bud. Luggage problems. Out for dinner?_

Brow furrowed at the idea of Burt having luggage problems on a train when he'd had his only bag under his seat a few hours ago, made Kurt incredibly suspicious, but he typed out a quick reply, telling his father they could go to his favorite little restaurant around the corner, but that Burt would only be allowed to eat something on their healthy menu.

Kurt began taking his coat, gloves, and scarf off at the door, and was just making his way into his room to strip out of his work clothes when his phone buzzed with the fastest reply Burt had ever sent. If he hadn't been suspicious a few minutes ago, he definitely was now. It took Burt a good five minutes just to type an "Okay" and when Kurt opened the message and saw a little emoticon frowny face, he knew Burt had brought someone with him. The only real question was who.

Four people immediately came to mind that were text savvy enough to use that face, but Carole had to work. He'd even spoken to her over his lunch break earlier and they'd talked about how much they were going to miss spending Christmas together. There was no way Carole was with his father; he'd heard the hospital noises in the background at one o'clock and Burt had already been on the train to New York.

Finn was Kurt's next guess since they were family, but Finn never really used faces like that in his text messages. Kurt didn't doubt that he knew them since he'd dated Rachel for so long and sending messages with a dozen little faces was her favorite thing to do.

Sam or Mercedes were his third guess, but Sam was supposed to be with his own family in Kentucky for the holidays, and Burt bringing Mercedes seemed odd to him. They were still really great friends, but Kurt couldn't imagine Burt deciding to let her tag along for Christmas in New York.

Which left the one person Kurt wanted to see more than anything, but that he was also terrified to see again: Blaine. Their relationship had already gotten so much better after Thanksgiving, and while there'd been no forgiveness from either of them yet, they were definitely on their way back to best friends. Besides, as much as Kurt knew his father loved Blaine, he had no idea if Burt had even talked to him and spoken of what had happened.

Instead of sending back a message to let his father know he was onto whatever his surprise was, Kurt sent a scolding message back, reminding his father of how important his good health was for his heart and went to change and shower quickly while he awaited Burt and… whoever's arrival.

By half past seven, Kurt was drying his hair and getting ready to style it when a knock echoed back from the door.

"Just a minute!" he hollered, pressing a little bit more water from his hair before rushing through the curtain flaps and straight over to the huge, metal door. He lugged it open quickly, beaming as he caught sight of his father.

"Dad!"

A second later, he'd flung himself into his father's arms and Burt chuckled happily, holding him tightly and swinging him a little from side to side.

"Gosh, you're getting heavy, bud," Burt grunted as Kurt put his feet back on the wooden floor and stood back to get a better look at his father. "I'm not going to be able to do that much longer."

Kurt laughed a little, grinning broadly as they looked each other over. It took him a few seconds to remember the suspicions he'd had after that text message, but as he glanced around and past Burt, he only saw the usual empty and dim hallway.

Burt raised an eyebrow as he hoisted his bag over his shoulder and stepped past Kurt into the apartment. "You leave something outside, Kurt?"

"What? No, I just– " He pulled his head back in slowly, frowning as he slid the door closed. "The frowning face on that text message, you don't use those. I didn't think you even knew they existed so I thought someone else was with you."

Was it just Kurt's hopeful imagination or did his father look a little red and nervous?

Burt rolled his eyes, and tossed his bag on the couch. "Finn wanted to stay in Lima for Rachel," Burt told him, shaking his head in resignation. "I can't wait for him to realize there's a girl better suited for him out there. I like Rachel and all, but… they just don't mesh well, yanno?"

Kurt nodded, watching his father's expression carefully. Maybe he was imagining it; the red face was probably just from the blistering cold outside.

"Yeah, I mean, I love them both to death, but… Rachel's so much happier with Brody," Kurt agreed. He shuffled back towards his room as his dad dropped down onto the couch. "Just let me finish getting dressed, okay?"

"Yeah, sure," Burt said with a casual wave of his hand. "Gives me time to relax a bit and look around this little home you've got."

"I- it's not much," Kurt began, but Burt shook his head with a fond smile.

"Brings me back to those first years with your mother," Burt reminisced. "We had a lot less materially, but everything in here." His pressed his hand over his heart, and smiled over at Kurt. "Don't ever forget that that's what matters, bud. How you feel in here for yourself and others can never be replaced by anything else."

"Dad– "

"Go, hurry up," Burt shooed him towards the bathroom. "I might want to relax a bit, but my stomach isn't gonna wait forever."

"Yeah, yeah, but we're getting a cheesecake for me!"

Burt's laughter greeted his reply as Kurt hurried back to finish his hair and pick the right scarf and jacket.

* * *

Half an hour later, they were heading down the street to the little restaurant Kurt had decided on, strolling along at a leisurely pace, Kurt's arms wrapped around the one buried in Burt's pocket and his head on his father's shoulder.

"It's so weird not being the tallest one in this situation," Kurt said. "It was usually Rachel's head on my shoulder. Or Isaac's."

"Isaac?" Burt echoed in apparent alarm. "You're seeing someone new?"

"I– it was only a few dates," Kurt explained, hating the dejection and sorrow in his father's question. "We're just going to be friends, but… it helped me a lot, trying to be with someone else and open myself up to all that New York can offer outside of B– Lima. Outside of Lima."

Burt's eyes watched Kurt suspiciously as they turned down the right street, and Kurt tried to focus on where they were going instead of on his father's expression. He knew Burt loved Blaine like a son and that their break up had hurt him quite a bit. It didn't take Kurt much to realize that Burt had already decided that he'd wanted Blaine as his son-in-law someday, but now… Kurt couldn't see that happening for a long time, or ever. They might be friends once more, but regaining that level of trust was almost unfathomable to Kurt right now.

"Hmm," was all Burt said in response as Kurt directed him into the little diner.

"Two, please– "

"To go," Burt cut in.

"Dad, what– "

"I've got a surprise waiting for you," Burt told him. "We'll eat on the go, all right?"

"I– _Dad_," Kurt scolded, his earlier suspicions returning full force. "You did bring someone, didn't you?"

"Nope, not telling you a thing," Burt chimed in, glancing down the menu the waitress at the front handed him. "Two of these salads and one of those big bacon burgers."

A bacon burger. That meant Finn. Why in the world would Burt hide Finn from him as a surprise instead of having him hide behind him when he'd knocked earlier?

"Dad, Finn isn't exactly a surprise– "

"He's not the entire surprise," Burt said vaguely, handing the menu back to the waitress who quickly put in their orders and disappeared to the kitchen.

"_Dad_," Kurt growled in partial annoyance. It wasn't that he hated surprises, he just tended to only like them from a certain someone, and since this apparently involved Finn, he wasn't going to enjoy it.

"It's gonna be a blast, Kurt, trust me," Burt assured him. "Would I _ever_ steer you wrong?"

"No," Kurt said quietly.

They were quiet until their bag of food arrived after that, heading out quickly with Burt telling him to take them to the nearest subway station and on a train to Bryant Park. Completely befuddled, Kurt did as his father asked, shuffling them both on the first train that direction. While they rode the train, they ate their salads, talking about how Carole and everyone back home was doing and catching up more on the happenings in their lives.

Finally the train came to their stop and, feeling a little bubbly and nervous, Kurt followed Burt out of the station and up to the street, surprised to find that they were at an outdoor ice rink of all places.

"Ice skating?" Kurt questioned in surprise and worry.

He'd never been ice skating, had only tried roller skating once at age six because the cute little boy down the block had loved it. After he'd fallen flat on his butt rolling down the driveway, he'd never touched the purple roller skates he'd gotten for his birthday again. Kurt had never attempted to talk to that little boy either. Clearly Bobby hadn't been ideal boyfriend material if he'd liked active, painful nonsense like roller skating.

"Don't worry," Burt soothed with a little smile. "I'm sure he'll be more than happy to help you along."

"Dad," Kurt huffed in disbelief. "This is _Finn_ we're talking about– "

"Surprise for Kurt Hummel!"

Kurt froze as that voice washed over him, calling above the soft Christmas music playing over the sound system and the happy chatter of the other skaters. Slowly he shifted his gaze from his father's beaming face towards the ice and his breath caught, his heart thrummed happily, and a feeling of bliss seeping into him.

"Blaine."

"I'll see you two back at the apartment, all right?" Burt encouraged, giving Kurt a little nudge towards the edge of the ice rink where Blaine was leaning over the barrier and grinning widely. "Home by eleven, ya hear?"

"Uh huh," Kurt whispered vaguely, his feet beginning to carry him over to Blaine on instinct.

This felt so different than the last time they'd come face to face, the hurt and anger didn't even surface in his chest. Blaine was here, with his father, for Christmas.

_The first of many_.

As Kurt stopped in front of Blaine, a few feet away in order to give himself a moment to assess just how real this was, Blaine's smile grew brighter, his eyes sparkling in the way that had always, and still did, make Kurt's stomach flip.

"I once promised to always surprise you," Blaine began, gesturing to himself and the ice rink. "Your Dad helped quite a bit with this one but– "

"I can't believe you're here," Kurt breathed, and he stepped forward tentatively until he was against the barrier and leaning into Blaine's embrace. "I'm so glad you're here."

"Y- you're happy to see me?" Blaine stammered in surprise. "I wasn't sure if you– I mean, I know we're friends again but– "

"I'm always happy to see you," Kurt informed him with a smile. "No matter how bad everything else ever gets, you always make me happy in here."

He covered his heart and Blaine's sweet smile returned, looking a little unsure and bashful in a way that made Kurt's chest swell with joy. This was the difference between Blaine and Isaac, the one thing he'd been unable to ignore. No matter how much time he spent with Isaac or how much he liked him, he'd never made Kurt feel the way he did with Blaine. Nobody ever had.

"So the plan is to go skating for a while," Blaine continued. "We can rent you a pair of skates over there and– "

"I don't know how to skate," Kurt blurted out nervously. "I've never– I'll fall on my butt and break it or ruin this jacket, Blaine, and it's Gucci and you _know_how much I love– "

"I'll teach you," Blaine cut in, laughing at his babbling tirade. "Trust me."

His words struck Kurt hard and, for an instant, he did hesitate, because trusting Blaine again was a scary thought for him. At some point, he knew giving this small amount of trust was going to turn into so much more; it meant beginning to realize he could trust Blaine with his heart and forgive his faults and mistakes. That was what his heart wanted, where it would always reside in some way, and at the very least he owned it to himself to figure out if the love he'd held there for Blaine was enough to pull him through the heartbreak the other man had given him. They would always be friends now, but before he was ever able to move forward he had to know if Blaine was the love of his life or the love he could live without.

"Okay," Kurt agreed. "Let's skate."

* * *

They were both giggling when they left the ice rink at ten, hopped on the subway, and made the short walk over to Kurt's apartment. Blaine was soaring, his heart cresting like a wave in his chest without any sign of a structure it was going to crash down into. He'd expected so much more awkwardness during their first encounter as friends again, but everything had felt natural, like they'd simply fallen right back into place to their days at Dalton together.

"That was so much fun," Kurt grinned as they climbed the final flight of stairs and stopped outside of the door to Kurt's apartment. "I still can't believe you're here."

"I made a promise to always surprise you, remember?" Blaine reminded him as Kurt jiggled his key in the old lock and struggled to get it open.

Kurt paused, a hopeful expression taking over his features and for a second Blaine was a little confused and worried. He'd only rephrased a promise he'd made last Christmas, after all, there wasn't any reason for Kurt to give him that look.

"Does that mean you're going to make me cookies, too?" Kurt asked hopefully, turning away from the door and giving Blaine a smile. "Because you said twice a year and so far I've only gotten cookies once, on Valentine's Day."

Blaine pursed his lips in amusement and gave Kurt a sly, teasing look. "Well, I don't know. I mean, I don't have any ingredients or an oven, and it really wouldn't be a surprise since you're asking for them… "

"Oh, please," Kurt pouted, leaning in slightly and batting his eyes. "I'll buy everything for them. We can force my dad to go shopping with us. It'll be fun… "

"Well… " Blaine began another teasing phrase, but as he glanced back up to smile at his friend, he realized just how close they were all of a sudden. The hallway wasn't that wide and they hadn't exactly kept a lot of distance between themselves throughout the evening; it just didn't feel natural to space themselves apart with a huge distance.

Kurt seemed to realize it a few moments after Blaine did, his eyelashes fluttering again as his expression turned rigid and his eyes, a bright, cheerful blue, clouded over to a steely gray.

"W- we should get inside," Kurt decided in a hushed voice, bowing his head and slowly turning back around to fiddle with the door.

"Right," Blaine agreed, jaw still a little slack as his mind imagined a completely different scenario of these moments, one where Kurt had continued to lean and captured his lips for the first time in months. Despite trying to focus on himself, he was still irresistibly pulled towards his ex-boyfriend, but he couldn't give into those thoughts or wants anymore. Kurt was seeing someone else, or at least going on dates with other men. The last he'd heard, Isaac was still a part of Kurt's life, and as much as Blaine knew Kurt was the love of his life, that didn't mean Kurt felt the same for him. He loved Kurt enough to let him go and move on to someone who could still make him the happiest he'd ever been.

There were no apologies exchanged for the glance and moment in the hallway. Anything that might have happened wasn't mentioned as they ducked through the doorway and into the dark apartment. Burt had left a little lamp on in the far corner of the living room, but everything else was silent.

"He's not asleep," Kurt whispered as he slid the door closed behind them. "He'd be snoring like a freight train if he was."

Blaine nodded and flicked on another light by the door, setting down his bag on the couch and looking around. Not much had changed since he'd been there in October. Same furniture and television, though there was few a handful of new odds and ends spaced out around the main room.

"Do you have any extra pillows and blankets?" Blaine asked awkwardly, unwrapping hi scarf and folding it carefully.

""Um, yeah, you can use one of mine," Kurt decided, taking his own scarf, coat, and gloves off. "Let me go see where he's sleeping. I think he probably took Rachel's room, but… "

Blaine watched Kurt disappear back to the curtained off bedrooms and began to take his shoes and coat off. It was midnight in Ohio, and he'd been up since dawn, making sure he had everything he'd wanted to bring and then worrying himself silly over whether or not Kurt would actually want to see him so soon.

The curtains fluttered from one bedroom to the next as Blaine began digging his pajamas out of his bag and stripping his sweater, shirts, and jeans off. He was down to his boxer-briefs and just unfolding his pajama bottoms when the curtains fluttered again and a fluffy pillow and a few blankets appeared.

"Here, these should work– "

Kurt set the pile down next to Blaine's bag, finally catching sight of the other man, pajama pants in hand as their eyes met like they had in the hallway.

"Oh, um, sorry," Kurt stammered, his face turning red as Blaine quickly hopped into his pajama pants and starting grappling for the top.

"It's… you know what?" Blaine decided, slowly his movements and beating back the nerves he was suddenly filled with. "I'm not upset, it's fine. You've seen a lot more of me than this, and there's nothing to be embarrassed about, right? We were together for two years, Kurt, and… I love us being friends again, but we can't forget where we've been either. I don't want us skipping around and ignoring that."

Kurt was silent for several moments, his lips pressed firmly together, and for an instant, Blaine thought he'd gone too far too soon. He knew it wasn't a good idea to pretend nothing but friendship had ever happened between them, but it was also going to be difficult for Kurt to acknowledge that as openly as he did. Blaine had hurt Kurt in a number of ways when his infidelity, and as much as it pained Blaine to remember the good times without the disastrous end, he realized it would be much harder for Kurt, who had spent six weeks ignoring the pain because it was easier than talking to Blaine and attempting to reconnect on any level.

"You're right," Kurt finally admitted, sitting down on the arm of the couch and gently closing his hands around Blaine's bare forearm. "It's just… I thought if we started acknowledging it, that we'd fall back into that bad communication and it would ruin what we're already rebuilding."

"It won't because we won't let it," Blaine assured him, sitting down next to him and sliding his hands around Kurt's. They sat there for a moment, hands clasped together and tingling. "We've always meant so much to each other and even if it doesn't mean we're _in_love with the other, that doesn't mean we can't love each other. You've been the best friend I've ever had, Kurt, and I love you. I don't want us to pretend or not be honest."

Kurt shook his head with a little, surprised laugh."Since when do you talk me into making sense?" Kurt wondered, his thumb stroking over Blaine's palm. "God, you aren't that boy anymore, are you?"

"I am in some ways," Blaine mumbled in surprise. "I'm growing up, and you've helped me to start doing that. Just like I think I helped you start growing up when you came to Dalton. We're both making each other better people; that's what friends do."

"Friends," Kurt repeated slowly, his hands still tight around Blaine's. "Best friends who are just as open and honest as we've ever been."

Blaine nodded, smiling slightly despite the desperate little voice in his head bellowing for him to lean in and kiss Kurt. But he wouldn't push. It would be Kurt's decision if they ever got back together in a romantic capacity, and if that never happened, he'd have to be content with still having his best friend around for the rest of their lives, watching Kurt move on and get married while he stayed stationary, because he might physically and mentally be able to grow and change, but his heart was set on only one man.

"I'm going to head to bed," Kurt decided, squeezing Blaine's hands again and standing up. "Cookies tomorrow?"

"Of course," Blaine agreed, standing up as well and sliding his pajama top on and starting to button it up.

"If you need an extra blanket, there's a few more over there," Kurt reminded him, gesturing towards the corner. "I– well, goodnight."

Blaine's arms were full of Kurt a second later, his body solid and warm as they embraced tightly.

"I really am so glad that you're here, Blaine," Kurt whispered against his ear.

"Me, too," Blaine agreed quietly, closing his eyes and enjoying the sensation properly for the first time since he'd arrived. "Goodnight, Kurt. Sweet dreams."

* * *

The following morning Blaine woke up when he rolled off the couch in his sleep and banged his knee on the coffee table. It was his shouts of pain that alerted Burt and Kurt to a conscious state and by the time he was struggling into a sitting position, holding his injured knee while whining and cursing, they were pushing through their respective curtain-doorways and yawning.

"You all right?" Burt yawned, stretching his arms up and accidentally hitting the curtain rod and knocking it out of place. "Ouch, oh, sorry." He waved Kurt off when he stumbled over to help him right it. "I've got it, bud," Burt insisted, rubbing his eyes and starting to mess with the rods placement. "Go make sure he didn't bust his head open."

Blaine was in the process or shifting his way back onto the couch when Kurt's arm curled around his waist and helped him up onto it.

"Are you okay?" Kurt asked in concern.

Knee pulled to his chest, Blaine nodded and whined as he rolled his pajama leg up over his kneecap. "Yeah, just– _ouch_– you know how much I roll in my sleep," Blaine grumbled, pressing gently against the tender red spot over his bone. "Rolled right off the couch and _wham_!"

"Some things never change," Burt remarked, the curtain rod finally clicking into place.

"I never– " Blaine began to argue, but Kurt and Burt both laughed loudly, and Kurt smacked him lightly across the chest.

"Oh, _please_," Kurt chided. "How many times did you fall asleep on me on the couch? And how many of those times did I have to roll you into the wedge between me and the cushions so you wouldn't bust your face on the floor?"

"Well, I–"

"I've saved that head of yours a number of times, too, as I recall," Burt added, ducking through the newly fixed curtains and yawning loudly. "Not that it probably mattered too much. That helmet of gel you use is more than enough protection from a head injury."

Blaine frowned, cheeks heating up at friendly jab at his hair. Right now it was a tangled, curly mess since he'd only woken up, but even that was a new experience for him. For the past several years, he'd slept with gel in place, especially when Kurt spent the night. His hair had always been a huge issue for him, especially once he reached middle school and was teased for his curls. Nowadays Sam was trying to slowly talk him down from his gel-pedestal, and it was working to some degree, since he no longer slept with it in, but he definitely wasn't comfortable with Burt and Kurt getting to see it in its messy state.

"I'm just– let me go–" Blaine scrambled desperately for his bag, but Kurt held it out of reach with a teasing smile. "Give it back, Kurt. I need my– "

"I think your curls are adorable," Kurt remarked, tugging at one. "I thought they'd be as frizzy as they were at prom last year, but I guess that was from the wash out. They're nice."

"They're _hideous_," Blaine argued, biting his bottom lip and staring helplessly up at the bag well out of his reach. "Kurt, _please_."

"They aren't," Kurt insisted more gently, lowering the bag behind his back, but smiling sadly instead of teasingly now. "They're a perfect part of you, and some day you'll realize it, too."

A little stunned by the kind words, Blaine took his bag when Kurt offered it and said nothing. Kurt ducked around him and headed into the kitchen where Burt was digging through the refrigerator to see what they could make for breakfast.

For several minutes, Blaine watched, feeling horribly self-conscious because of the tangled mess of curls no doubt sprouting from his scalp in every possible direction. They liked him for who he was, he had to remind himself, even the parts of himself he was still struggling to accept and love. Of course, there was still one part of him he knew himself and Kurt hadn't forgiven yet and he still didn't know how he was going to manage that.

Slowly he set his bag back down on the couch, dug his brush out, and tried to comb his curls down a little.

"How does waffles sound, guys?" Burt hollered his voice echoing out from the bowels of the refrigerator.

"Oh! Can they be blueberry and chocolate chip?" Kurt squealed, flinging a cabinet door open and nearly knocking Blaine's head to the floor. His comb was still swiped from his grasp and went skidding across the room.

"Watch it! You're going to scalp the curls you love so much if you don't watch it," Blaine scowled, raising his eyes up to see a few stray curls brushing his forehead. "I look ridiculous."

"You do _not_," Kurt assured him, brushing them up off his forehead. "There," he said happily, and then went back to rummaging through the cabinet. "You know," he said slyly, "if you moussed your curls a bit to tame them, _all_ of the girls at McKinley would be all over you."

Blaine pulled a disgusted face that made Burt laughed as he closed the refrigerator, his arms full of ingredients.

"I guess that's the reason why you keep it then," he remarked as he set the bowl of blueberries aside and was nearly scalped himself when Kurt flung a bag of chocolate chips over his shoulder. "Watch it, bud! You're going to murder both of us before we even start cooking."

Kurt rolled his eyes as he closed the cabinet and began taking charge of the cooking. As he directed his father to dig the packet of bacon out of the freezer, he nudged Blaine with his shoulder and murmured, "I guess that's why your gel addiction got worse once you transferred. There were no girls to worry about at Dalton."

Blushing at the absurd implications, Blaine started to argue, but Kurt patted his cheek in a placating manner and told him to start making the waffle batter. "Shh, I'm just teasing, little Nightbird. Your secret's safe with the Hummels."

"How did you know– "

"Tina," Kurt said simply. "I've seen a few pictures of you parading around in that cape, too. That's also adorable."

"It is _not_," Blaine pouted. "I am the _night!_"

"And I'm an NFL quarterback," Burt replied, ruffling Blaine's hair. Blaine yelped in dismay and covered his hair with his hands.

"Was that really necessary?!" he demanded.

"_Stir_, little Nightbird," Kurt ordered, tugging his hand away from his hair and forcing a wooden spoon handle into it.

"I'm not little," Blaine grumbled, doing as he'd been directed.

"Oh, shush."

* * *

Several hours later, all three of them were dressed and cleaned (and gelled down nicely in Blaine's case) and ready for a trip to the store. The trip was short and the store much closer than Blaine had realized, but getting out into New York and seeing the world Kurt lived in now without his own guilt blinding him to everything was an experience. Burt seemed just as stunned by all the buildings and people as he lagged behind them.

"This place really is amazing," Blaine remarked, twisting his head back and forth to make sure he didn't miss anything. "And the snow on the buildings… it's just so… different from Lima."

"It's a lot freer here," Kurt told him. "For the first time in my life, I finally felt like I lived somewhere where I could completely be myself without any fear. I mean, in Lima I had friends and you, but… being myself always came with a price."

"Yeah," Blaine agreed sadly, remembering the boy he'd first met, the struggles and hardships Kurt had overcome, and in turn recalling his own bullying problems before Dalton. "I can't wait to leave Lima, even if I'm not in New York next year."

"You're not– " Kurt gave him an amazed, slightly hurt look as he pushed the little mart's door open. A chime went off somewhere in the back of the little store as they stepped inside from the cold, Burt a few steps behind. "But I thought you were going to apply to Julliard, NYU, NYADA, and– "

"Well, I did," Blaine said, suddenly feeling tense. "But… after what happened, I added a few more places. I couldn't bear the thought of invading the place that was now home to you and making you uncomfortable in any way."

"Oh," Kurt blurted, his voice sounding rather hollow at the confession.

"I applied to all of the one's my parents wanted me to, not that I'll go there," Blaine continued, clearing his throat as Burt shuffled off to pick out the necessary cookie ingredients on their list. "I added a few out by Cooper and Berklee up in Boston. The only one I've heard from so far is Julliard."

"_And?_" Kurt pressed eagerly.

"I made it into their first round of auditions– "

Kurt flung himself at Blaine, tumbling into his arms and almost knocking Blaine backwards because for once he wasn't expecting the overwhelming hug like he used to. When he'd prepared himself before at various time last year, he'd ready his muscles for the slam of Kurt against his chest, but this time he'd been unprepared, and he suddenly realized even if he had been his stance would have been off. Kurt was heavier now, felt stronger and more muscular. With a gulp, Blaine let Kurt lean back in his arms, taut muscles flexing under his fingers even through Kurt's layers.

"That's so great, Blaine! When is it? Is it going to be in Ohio or here?"

"It's, um– "

"Hey, Kurt, what sort of cookies are you two making?" Burt hollered from the nearest aisle.

"Cheesecake cookies!" Blaine supplied, his eyes still lingering on Kurt's proud face.

"You can make cookies and cheesecake together?" Burt said in disbelief.

"No, Dad," Kurt replied in exasperation as they headed in his direction, Blaine biting his lip as he mulled over which option he would choose. He had nowhere to stay in New York, unless Kurt and Rachel let him stay with them for that day or night, and he really didn't want to impose on them. "So where's the audition? When?"

"They've given me a few options for it," Blaine offered. "Lima or New York, both around Martin Luther King day, so I'll have a three day weekend– "

"You can stay with me and Rachel," Kurt suggested. "Get you more used to the city and you haven't seen Rachel in so long. I want you to come visit still," Kurt added quietly. "Just because we aren't together anymore doesn't mean you can't spend time with me in New York."

"But– " Blaine bit his lip. "I don't want to get in the way, Kurt, and Isaac probably won't like your ex-boyfriend being around either."

"Isaac knows you're my friend," Kurt said immediately. "And we only went on a handful of dates, Blaine. We're not– we're just staying friends."

Blaine was surprised by Kurt admission and he watched him closely for any signs of sorrow, unhappiness, or falsehoods. Nothing appeared though. Kurt actually seemed content with the decision and considering how much fun Kurt had been having on those dates, Blaine was a little dumbfounded by it.

"When did that happen?"

"Yesterday," Kurt told him as they grabbed the last item and followed Burt up to the register. "He asked me to be more and I… I couldn't do it. I can't fall in love with someone else w- when I'm not yet over you."

Guilt surged through Blaine at his words and he floated his way through the check out and down several blocks before he could think of something to say to Kurt. He hated that Kurt was trying to move on from him and couldn't. That wasn't fair to Kurt. He'd had his heart broken, and he deserved to find happiness again with anyone who was worthy of giving and receiving it.

"I'm sorry, Kurt," Blaine mumbled as they headed into his building several paces behind Burt. "I'm sorry I screwed everything up and now you have to deal with all of this pain. It's not fair to you at all and– "

"It's the risk I took when I gave you my heart, Blaine," Kurt acknowledged quietly, finally looking morose for the first time since Blaine had appeared yesterday evening at the ice rink. "It was the best choice I ever made, and no matter how long it takes to sort my own heart out, I'll never regret letting myself love you. I wouldn't be who I am today if it wasn't for you, and despite the pain you've caused me recently, I know you've given me so much more than that."

A heavy weigh seemed to fall into Blaine's chest as he watched Kurt ascend the stairs after his father. While he still felt guilty, it wasn't nearly as much as he had before. Kurt still loved him, might still be _in_ love with him, and because of his own stupidity, Kurt couldn't enjoy the greatest feeling in the world anymore.

How was he ever going to move on and figure himself out if Kurt couldn't do the same?


	7. December, Part 3

A/N: Third part of December as promised! Not sure when the first bit of January will be posted. Maybe Saturday? I've still got to figure out where and how I'm splitting that one up, but it's mostly written out, another 5k or so for it.

Enjoy another update!

Second Fall

_December, Part 3_

The afternoon went by in a fun blur. They baked cookies, watched a few Christmas movies, and read through all of the Vogue magazines Kurt had organized on the coffee table. Burt had a good laugh at a lot of the designs in them and Kurt was happy to see him not only trying to have fun with his favorite past time, but actually succeeding at it. It was rare when he and his father found something they could fully enjoy together, and while Burt didn't understand any of the names dropped or discussed between he and Blaine, he still got a thrill out of the pictures.

That evening, they left the apartment once more and took a taxi out to the nearest tree lot. Kurt wasn't entirely sure what they would decide on, but every year when they went looking for a Christmas tree, Kurt always felt a little sad. Ever since his mother had passed he always remembered the one year they hadn't bought one, the same year she'd died and had not been there to take them out looking for one.

Years later, Kurt completely understood his father's depression and reluctance to go shopping for one only a few weeks after her death, but back then it had made him feel more alone than ever before. He'd still been struggling to understand what had happened and why his mother wasn't able to come back to them ever again.

But now he had Blaine and his father to make new memories with, just like they had last year with Finn and Carole, and then the year before not long after his father had remarried. This year would be the best one yet, even if he'd lost his love and his heart was still bruised and healing. Someday, maybe this time next year, he would have it all figured out. He would be spending the holiday with his family, friends, and boyfriend, whoever that man ended up being.

"Look at that one, Kurt!" Blaine cried in excited and fondness. "It's like a little Charlie Brown Christmas tree. Can we keep it?"

Kurt was about to protest, but then he turned around and caught sight of Blaine holding the pitiful little tree up. It wasn't more than a few feet tall, wilting slightly in its dejected state.

"We could get it a little pot and decorate it on one of those tables in your main room," Burt suggested as he crunched over through the snow and examined the little tree. "It's still strong, just needs a little love. I still can't believe you and Rachel didn't buy a tree before she left."

"Rachel's _Jewish_, Dad. Remember?" Kurt reminded him with a fond smile.

"Then why'd she make Finn that big long list of Christmas presents she wanted last year?" Burt asked in surprise.

"Because she's ridiculous and very materialistic on holidays," Kurt told him, rolling his eyes. "So we'll get this little one, but we'll need a bigger one to put by the window to really decorate."

"I think I found one over there in the back," Burt said, gesturing past the groups of people looking through the lot. "It's not the tallest, but it's a nice one."

With a last exasperated look at Blaine and his adorable little tree, Kurt followed his father through the rows of trees until they reached the one he'd picked out.

"Wow," Blaine gasped in awe. "It's beautiful."

Kurt nodded, eyes tearing up at he looked it over. It tended to happen to him every year at some point around this time, whether it was picking the tree out, decorating it, baking, or on Christmas Eve when they'd always opened everything not from Santa. The tree his father had picked out was gorgeous, full and plump, only a few inches taller than Burt, but more than enough to fill the space they'd cleared out for it. They didn't have all of the ornaments they usually used since they weren't in Lima, but just having his guys here for the holidays made that detail insignificant. He was with the two people he cared about most, and even if he didn't entirely know where he was headed with one of them, it didn't change how he felt.

"It's perfect, Dad," Kurt said, smiling softly as he circled around it. "You're always the best at picking out a good tree."

"Not as good as your mother was," Burt murmured, a note of longing in his voice.

The smile on Blaine's face shrank a little at their melancholy mood, and he shuffled over between them, set his little tree down, and threw an arm around each of their shoulders.

"If you two don't perk up a little, I'll have to decorate the tree by myself and that means a whole lot of _gel_," Blaine remarked casually, trying and failing to look innocent with his teasing.

Kurt snorted through his tears and shook his head. "Absolutely not," he argued. "You put gel on the poor thing and it'll be dust on the floor by morning."

Blaine offered him a small, sad smile as Burt cleared his throat and started to untie the tree. "I'm sure she misses you, too, Kurt," Blaine said after a moment. "Both of you," he added, glancing over at Burt.

"She would have loved meeting you, kid," Burt said gruffly as the three of them lowered the tree to the ground to untie the last few strings. "Seeing Kurt that happy again… she would have loved that. Would have loved seeing her boy off in the city making his dreams come true, too."

Kurt said nothing as Burt shuffled off to find an attendant and pay for their two trees. A steady, careful arm wound its way around Kurt's side and, instinctively, his head dropped onto Blaine's shoulder. The ache his mother's memory still brought was eased slightly by Blaine's warm, tender presence at his side. It had been last year, and even the year before when they'd only been singing flirty duets together.

"I miss her so much at this time of year," Kurt whispered sadly. "It's just not the same, you know?"

Blaine nodded, dropping his cheek onto Kurt's head and grabbing one of his hands. "Yeah, I know you do. I can't even imagine how it feels," Blaine said honestly. "You've still got all of the good memories of her, though, and your dad's still here."

"And you," Kurt remarked quietly. "I've still got you – my best friend," he clarified quickly, suddenly realizing the position they were standing it. It was comforting to have Blaine that close, but as soon as he realized it, a flood of late night dreams came rushing back, reminding him of the details he still didn't know about Blaine's infidelity and simply the ones he'd been imagining.

"Yeah," Blaine agreed softly as Kurt slipped his hand from his grasp and hugged himself tightly. "You always will."

Kurt bit his lip as he turned away from Blaine, trying hard to hold his tears in. Today was always an emotional day for him, and with all of his problems with Blaine thrown into the mix, it was even more difficult. God, he did want what he and Blaine had just shared; those warm, easy embraces, the quiet moments standing side by side and reassuring the other, the seconds where the ache of their pasts became a little less strong because the other was there to smooth it out.

Isaac had been right. He was still completely in love with Blaine. The only problem was finding a way to forgive him for what he'd done to him, and since Blaine didn't even seem to be able to forgive himself, Kurt didn't know how he was supposed to do so.

* * *

"Hey, woah! Watch it!" Kurt shouted as Blaine backed slowly through the doorway, the base of the Christmas tree in hand.

Quickly Kurt sat the little tree down on the kitchen counter and rushed back over to where Blaine and Burt had paused, straining under the fat tree's weight. A hoard of branches and pine needles were obscuring Blaine's face from view as his feet shuffled aimlessly in place, unable to find a solid footing without his sight.

"Kurt," he groaned, voice tight as Burt shuffled back and forth outside the door. "I can't see at _all_."

"Come here," Kurt told him, but Blaine sneezed loudly in reply and Kurt rolled his eyes.

He stepped up behind Blaine and grabbed his hips to guide him backwards into the apartment. It was a familiar motion they'd been through countless times while dancing and doing… other things, but Kurt still blushed to the roots of his hair when Blaine jerked a little in surprise and apparently bumped the tree so that it smacked Burt in the face.

"_Ouch!_ That's my face, boys!" Burt hollered through the branches.

"Sorry!" they both apologized.

"Come on," Kurt added, hands still on Blaine's hips to guide him backwards and into the empty space where they could lay the tree down until they rearranged the furniture a bit.

It took a few, slow minutes of back pedaling for them to finally get the tree inside safely. Finally it was on the floor, and Burt was rubbing his sore jaw where there was a sap mark. As Blaine took up from the tangle of branches however, Kurt and Burt both burst into laughter and it was only when Kurt stepped forward and started to brush the pine needles out of his gelled hair that Blaine understood why.

"Oh," he said miserably. "I, um, how bad is it?"

"Bad," Kurt offered with a laugh. "Very bad. Hold still," he chuckled, beginning to tug little pine needles from Blaine's stiff locks. "You look like you have a porcupine growing out of your gel helmet."

"It's not a helmet– "

"Oh, it is," Burt argued immediately, pulling his cap off and wiping his smooth, bald head with a paper towel. "Just as shiny and tough as that hard plastic design stuff they put on the outside."

"Oh, shut up," Blaine griped, ducking his head away from Kurt's reach and heading into the bathroom.

As the little door closed across the apartment, Burt gave Kurt a pointed look, which he promptly ignored. So what if he was being sweet with Blaine? They'd always acted that way towards each other. That wasn't going to change even if their romance was over. As friends, they'd been close enough for that before and they definitely still were now.

"Let's shift some of this furniture out of the way," Burt decided. "At least make a path over to where we're setting the tree up so we don't break our backs again."

Kurt agreed as his father put his baseball cap back on, and they began moving stuff, first clearing out the little tables and few Christmas lights Rachel and he had strung up before she'd left. By the time they were being the bigger sofa back towards the wall to clear a path for the tree, Blaine reappeared, hair free of pine needles and branches.

"Much better," Kurt greeted, panting slightly as they shoved the couch against the wall.

"You boys move that love seat, all right?" Burt said. "Let me get this tree stand out of the box."

"Sure," Blaine shrugged and rolled up the sleeves of his cardigan.

Together they slid the heavy little two-seater couch across the room towards the bigger sofa. It took nearly ten minutes to get the tree stand ready and then to lug the tree up and hold it straight while Blaine ducked down underneath and tightened it into place.

"There," Blaine finally panted, straightening up as Kurt tentatively let the tree go. When it didn't sway precariously, Burt cautiously loosened his grasp and stepped back to admire their work.

"Looks good," Burt decided, glancing at Kurt, who had taken several giant steps backwards and was looking it over closely. "It meets your standards?"

"Hmm," Kurt mumbled, framing the tree with his outstretched hands and closing one eye. "Yeah, it's perfect. At least until we have to move it across the room."

"Yeah… " Blaine sighed. "We could pick it up and carry it over. Might have to readjust it a bit though."

Burt nodded and together the three of them picked a spot to grab and carefully raised it, slowly making their way to the corner with it and finally setting it down in the spot they'd chosen. Blaine and Kurt backed up to where the love seat had been, gazing over at the tree to see how much it might have shifted as Burt untangled himself from the backside.

"How's it look? Still good?"

Kurt nodded vigorously while Blaine called out a pleased "Yes!" Burt smiled over at them as he pushed a few branches out of his face and started to slide out from behind the tree. Blaine made a move to start putting the furniture back in place, but Burt gave a shout that alarmed them both so much, they froze and turned back to him.

"Oh, no. You two know the rules," Burt said lightly, his gaze staring up at the ceiling over their heads.

Confused, Kurt glanced up, too, and his stomach knotted up as he caught sight of the little sprig of mistletoe dangling over their heads. That was Rachel's doing. She'd hung it up over the love seat since her and Brody always sat there when he was over. It wasn't as though Rachel needed an extra excuse to kiss her new boyfriend, but Kurt had been quite annoyed with its placement and the way his scathing remarks had been answered.

_"Just because it's still over your heads doesn't mean you have to suck his face off all night, Rachel."_

_"It's not my fault our mistletoe kiss takes a lot of time to finish, Kurt!"_

"Rachel," Kurt breathed angrily as Blaine's eyes slowly shifted back down to Kurt's face. He couldn't believe he'd forgotten to take it down. Of course, he hadn't had any reason to worry about this situation since he hadn't known Blaine would be here.

"W- we don't have to– I don't want to make you uncomfortable– "

"Do you want to kiss me, Blaine?" Kurt asked, cutting through the other man's stammers while Burt continued to tug his way out from behind the tree, trying to appear like he wasn't watching hopefully, but Kurt knew better.

"I– Kurt, you know the answer to that," Blaine said quietly, bowing his head slightly. "I… I'd kiss you every minute of every day. I said that a year ago and it hasn't changed."

"Last Christmas, you promised to kiss me whenever and wherever I want," Kurt reminded him, stealing his nerves as he inched a little closer to Blaine. He wasn't entirely sure why he was pushing to do this. Blaine had given him a way out, had offered him that denial despite how much he probably wanted to smother Kurt's lips with his own. Maybe it was that thought, the thrill it sent through Kurt, and the sudden fiery tingle running through his lips, that was making his mind up for him. If he kissed Blaine and it was different, maybe he _could_ move on with Isaac or maybe he'd finally accept what Isaac had seen but that he hadn't.

"And you… want me to kiss you right now?" Blaine asked uncertainly as Kurt took another step closer and settled his palms on Blaine's shoulders.

"Yeah, I do," Kurt answered quietly, his eyes locking on Blaine's, seeing the swirl of fear, hope, and the unbearable over pouring of love he was holding back.

Before Blaine could protest, Kurt pressed in closer, tilting his head and capturing Blaine's lips in a gentle, sweet kiss. It was quick and simple compared to all of the others they'd shared, but it made Kurt's entire body thrummed with energy. It was as though a tiny spark had popped into existent as their lips connected, coursing through him and steadily growing and pulsing until every inch of him felt alive. There was nothing even close to this with Isaac, and somewhere deep in his still wounded heart, Kurt knew there would only ever be these moments, these sensations, with Blaine.

A gasp rattled against his lips as he pulled back slightly, his lips still brushing against Blaine's, but not moving with them. Kurt felt the shaky breath Blaine released, the surprise and obvious pleasure and joy as Blaine's hands latched onto his hips to keep himself steady.

Not even a second passed before Blaine leaned back in, mouth more eager and sure, desperately chasing the one sensation that Kurt knew meant home. Reflexively, Kurt's jaw relaxed, mouth opening slightly as Blaine's lips meshed against his. He knew what would come next, accompanied by butterflies and a happy burst of bliss in his chest. Blaine's teeth nibbled gently on his lower lip for a moment, and this his tongue slid into Kurt's mouth, slipping softly along the underside of Kurt's and making him shudder.

The heavy thump of Burt toppling over as he managed to untangle himself made them break away in surprise. But Kurt knew he'd never be the same again after that moment, just like everything had changed when Blaine had first confessed how he'd felt and kissed him back then.

Blaine was the love of his life, his forever and only.

He was so thankful that Isaac had bowed out a few days ago, because at least now he wouldn't have to break his heart into pieces. Kurt still wasn't ready to forgive, wasn't even completely sure how, but he had something to guide him now: his love for Blaine. Somehow it would steer him right and lead them onto a path back to each other. There would be more talks and discussion, more kisses and embraces before they finally found out how to fill the holes in their hearts with each other, but Kurt knew they would now. The vision forward was still clouded, but he could see where it would bring him.

"Come on, you two," Burt encouraged, patting both of them on their shoulders and jostling them out of their love struck staring contest. "Keep looking at each other like that and I'll hang you two on the tree and call you my two little love birds."

"We aren't– "

"_Dad!_"

"What? I'm just saying," Burt quipped defensively. "I know you've got a long way to go with all of this, but there's really no denying how hopelessly in love with each other you are."

"I– well, we're– that doesn't just go away overnight," Blaine babbled, face heating up as Burt chuckled loudly and starting getting together what they were going to put on the tree.

Kurt and Blaine exchanged a soft glance, one that seemed to relax Blaine a little and made Kurt's stomach flip pleasantly. Yes, they were still in love, that was the one thing that hadn't changed between them, but whether or not it was something they would come back to was less certain.

* * *

Hours later, when the tree was decked out in ribbons of popcorn and streamers and all of the little ornaments they'd managed to collect, the three of them moved all of the furniture back to more suitable locations and made hot cocoa.

The lights were dimmed so that they could gaze at the tree they'd finished an hour ago and enjoy the peace and calm music floating around the room for a little while before bed.

"Mm, what a day," Burt yawned, sinking into the cushions a little more and staring sleepily over at the Christmas tree. "I'm not used to having to keep up with a bunch of kids anymore."

"We're not kids," Kurt chided gently, taking a sip of cocoa as Blaine stretched and yawned next to him.

"You'll always be my boys," Burt declared quietly. He yawned even more loudly which caused a chorus of accompanying yawns from the other two. "All right, I'm turning in for the night. We're going out on the town tomorrow, right? You're going to show me your office and Rockefeller center and stuff?"

"Sure, Dad," Kurt agreed as Burt pushed himself off of the couch, nearly rolling off as he climbed to his feet. "Goodnight."

"Night, Burt."

Burt grunted in reply and shuffled off, catching Kurt's eye on his one backward glance before he disappeared past the curtains into Rachel's room.

"He expects us to just get back together, doesn't he?" Blaine asked hollowly.

"I– he wants what he thinks is best for us," Kurt explained, sadly. "And I mean… _someday,_ I think he wants that. Right now, I think he just wants us to work through our problems, you know?"

"Yeah, I– yeah," Blaine swallowed thickly, rubbing a hand over his face and looking nervous. "I want that," he admitted quietly, staring at the tree twinkling across the room. "Not right now because I know I've got a lot of myself to work on, but someday I want to have us back. D-do you ever want that again?"

"Not like it was," Kurt decided after a few thoughtful moments. "Well, not entirely. We can't be teenagers forever, right?"

"No," Blaine agreed. "Teenage dreams have to fade into adult ones."

Kurt nodded, searching for Blaine's hand on the cushion between them. It took him a few seconds to find the soft hand, and then another second to coax it into his grip, but Blaine's palm squeezed his and he finally looked over at Kurt. There were unshed tears lingering on his eyelashes, and a soft, hopeful smile on his lips.

"I– I can't believe you'd even consider taking me back after what I did," Blaine whispered miserably. "I don't know if I could do the same."

"I'm still not sure if I can," Kurt said honestly, biting his lip as Blaine's smile fell. "But I want to. I just want us to work through this the right way, for each of us to take the time to work through it ourselves, and then to forgive the mistakes we've both made."

"I've already forgiven you for leaving me behind, Kurt," Blaine told him, brushing a few tears away with his thumbs. "It wasn't entirely your fault that that happened. That's just life. You finished high school and headed out into the real world while I stayed behind in Lima. If it hadn't happened right away, it would have eventually before I graduated."

"I should have been more aware, less oblivious," Kurt mumbled, shaking his head. "I… I think part of me knew what was happening, but remembering Lima and you was too painful. It made the distance too real for me, so I tried to forget about all of it. All the 'no's' I got last year, all the doors closing in my face even when they told me I was great… I never wanted to go back there once I left, even when they meant leaving you. I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize for wanting the best for yourself, Kurt," Blaine admonished kindly. "This is your time. It's my time, too. For us to figure ourselves out as individuals and see where we're going to take our lives. If they line back up and you _can_ forgive me and I can forgive myself, then I'll be ready and waiting to have you in my arms again. I'll spend the rest of my life waiting for that feeling to return."

"It never left," Kurt assured him. "We just have to find it again."

"Time," Blaine said. "We'll each take the time we need before we jump back into anything, especially since we're still so far apart. Distance destroyed us once, and– "

"It's not a good idea to start one up again until we're both better, stronger, and wiser from this," Kurt finished in agreement.

He slid closer to Blaine and embraced him warmly. They had a long way to go, but they knew they were it for each other. For now, they needed to focus on themselves, even if that meant selfish moments and a difficult road ahead for each of them.

* * *

The three of them got up late on Christmas Eve. Once again, they cooked breakfast together and Blaine, as a Christmas Eve present, finally let Kurt style his hair for the first time with the promise that, if he was too scared to leave the house without his gel, he could re-style it himself. As Burt showered and got ready, Kurt sat Blaine down in front of the mirror in his room and called Sam from Blaine's phone. Neither of them expected him to answer, but on the third ring, there was a shuffle of static and then–

"Blond Chameleon reporting in!" Sam exclaimed brightly.

Kurt paused with his hair products, and Blaine, sitting tense and nervous, eyed his phone in wonder.

"Was that Buzz Lightyear?"

"Yes, Commander," Sam replied stoically. A muffled giggle echoed from Sam's line, and then a little squeal followed. "With his trusty sidekicks, Two Peas in a Pod!"

"We are not!" two little voices yelped in dismay.

"She has cooties!"

"I do not! _You_ do!"

The two little siblings bickered for several minutes longer until Sam interrupted and asked them to go snoop for presents.

"So, what's up? How's Christmas in Lima going?" Sam asked.

"It's– well, I'm in New York," Blaine answered slowly, "with Kurt and his dad."

"You're– really?! Dude, that's awesome! Are you two, like, together again or– "

"We're actually focusing on a less damaging hair style for our little Nightbird," Kurt remarked casually. "Blaine said you'd been pressing him to lose the gel, so I figured you'd be interested in helping out."

"Oh, well– I don't know a lot about how to style hair or anything, but as long as it doesn't shine so much that it blinds me, then I'm happy," Sam replied happily.

"Great," Kurt said. "'Cause I've got a few ideas, but I know how fond you are of that part," Kurt continued, rubbing Blaine's shoulder soothingly as he shifted nervously. "We're still going to straighten your hair for this one, okay? No crazy curls for a while. We'll work up to that."

"Aw," Sam pouted, "but I _like_ the crazy curls."

"I think everyone but _Blaine_ does, to be perfectly honest," Kurt mumbled, rolling his eyes as Blaine began to protest. "Shush, and hold still."

"I'm going to go shower and get ready for all the family stuff today," Sam told them. "Send me a picture when you're done making his head look like it actually has hair on it!"

"_Hey!_" Blaine squawked indignantly, but Sam had already hung up mid-laugh.

"All right, now hold still," Kurt ordered, straightening Blaine's posture and starting to work on his curls. "This shouldn't take too long."

Kurt smiled as Blaine squeezed his eyes shut tightly, looking completely terrified of what he was submitting himself to. First Kurt straightened Blaine's curls out, being careful and gentle and trying to relax Blaine as much as he could. When the curls were finally long strands, Kurt began parting Blaine's hair, a little more towards the center of his head, but still distinctly to one side. He brushed mousse into the hair of the smaller chunk, following the line of Blaine's hair back behind his ear much like Blaine himself did.

"That stuff tickles," Blaine grumbled, twisting slightly as Kurt continued to brush it into his hair.

"It smells really nice, too," Kurt told him. "Nothing on the raspberry hair gel you order in bulk, but… "

"Shut up," Blaine pouted, eyes still closed tightly.

Kurt laughed and turned as a few footsteps echoed behind him. Burt was dressed and slowly drying off his scalp, baseball hat tucked under his arm.

"How's it coming along?"

"A few more minutes," Kurt answered, tongue poking out between his lips as he moussed the rest of Blaine's hair up and started to give it volume, slowly swooping it up and then back.

For five minutes, Kurt meticulously styled Blaine's swoop, being gentle and careful to get it just perfect, before he set down his comb and looped his arms around Blaine's neck and dropped his chin onto Blaine's shoulder.

"You can look now, muffinbutt," Kurt told him, teasingly pinching his nose as Blaine squirmed.

"I do not have a– "

"Not commenting on that one," Burt cut in awkwardly, "but the hair looks awesome. Reminds me off Elvis."

"Elvis?" Blaine echoed in surprise. "Really?"

"Open your eyes and see for yourself," Kurt insisted.

He watched in the mirror as Blaine tentatively cracked open one of his eyes, squinting up in the direction of his forehead. His jaw slowly dropped and his other eye opened fully as he gazed at his hair in amazement.

"Oh, wow," Blaine breathed in disbelief, raising his hand to brush gently over his swooped locks. "It's– you really do have the best hair ideas."

"And Sam was right?"

"Yeah, definitely," Blaine agreed reluctantly. "Let's take a picture. I can send it to Cooper, too. He'll be so jealous of this."

Kurt laughed, and grabbed Blaine's phone from where they'd less it on his dresser, opening his camera phone, and holding it up in front of their faces, his head still on Blaine's shoulder as they both smiled. After a few clicks and poses, Kurt handed Blaine back his phone and let him start sending off his messages to Sam and Cooper while he quickly styled his own hair into its usual wavy swoop.

"You boys ready with all of your hair stuff?" Burt hollered from the main room.

"Yeah!" Blaine replied. "Don't sound so jealous just because you're bald!"

Kurt snorted at the little sassy remark, and it finally felt like Blaine was completely relaxed and himself with them all now.

"Let's go," Kurt encouraged, hopping up and handing Blaine his boots. "I can't _wait_ for you to see the tree in Rockefeller Center."

Blaine beamed at him, a true, honest smile that made Kurt's toes curl in his boots and his heart tug fondly in his chest. Together, they linked arms and headed back out to the main room to spend the day with Burt, parading around the city and seeing as many sights as possible.

* * *

They decided to turn in earlier than they'd planned because of the blistering cold outside and the snow that started to fall in heaps around sundown. Blaine was glad to return to the cozy, rustic apartment, despite loving to get a chance to explore the city. The entire walk and subway ride around, Kurt had prattled on about all the various places he and Rachel would take him when he was visiting for his auditions over the next few months. It gave Blaine so much hope to know that, despite Kurt not being ready to forgive him, he still wanted to spend time with him, still loved him and wanted to someday, hopefully, let them back into each other's lives to the fullest.

"I'm sleepy," Kurt grumbled as they all padded up the stairs to the fourth floor.

"Naps are in order," Blaine decided, yawning as his foot caught on a step and he stumbled head long into Burt's back.

"Hmm, careful," Burt mumbled. "You'll knock me over and down the stairs. Then we'll have to take a trip to the hospital and I'm too tired from all of that walking to do that."

"Let's order pizza later," Kurt said as they slugged up the last few stairs and he dug his keys out. "Cooking is overrated."

Blaine and Burt nodded sleepily in agreement and helped Kurt lug the door open as they all tottered inside and started to strip their coats and scarves off.

Kurt toppled face down onto the couch and Blaine stumbled after him, face-planting on the love seat, feet kicking back and smacking his ass.

"Oomph," he mumbled into the plushy red pillow on the couch. "I can't remember the last time I was this exhausted."

"I can," Kurt mumbled, his words nearly incoherent until he turned his head and pulled his mouth away from the sofa cushion. "That last night before I left Lima, remember? We didn't sleep at all– "

"I don't want to hear about that!" Burt hollered from the direction of Rachel's bedroom, followed by the squeak of a mattress that meant he'd presumably collapsed like they had.

Kurt and Blaine both chuckled softly, turning onto their sides and staring over at each other. It took all of Blaine's self-control not to roll off the couch and begin kissing Kurt, but he knew it was best not to right now. They still had a long way to go, but in his heart, he knew someday that he'd have that chance.

Kurt's face scrunched up as he giggled again and sat up.

"That couch is too short," he said, "even for you."

"It's fine," Blaine told him, but Kurt was already stretching a little and moving the coffee table against the wall and the dragging the far side of his couch closer to Blaine's. After several minutes of shifting, Kurt had the two couches lined up side by side, creating a double wide section for them to lay down in as he flopped back, now next to Blaine.

Blaine watched him settle down beside him, his breath caught in his chest as Kurt's hand found his between their sides. His head pressed against Blaine's shoulder, and, slowly, Blaine let his cheek dip down against Kurt's hair, relaxing against Kurt's side as their fingers laced together.

"I think this has been my favorite Christmas ever," Kurt whispered softly, his left hand reach over his body and rubbing gently against where their hands were linked together.

"Favorite so far," Blaine promised. "Every year will be better than the last."

"Mmm, I'm going to hold you to that," Kurt murmured softly, and Blaine could feel his breathing already starting to even out.

"I hope you do," he whispered into the quiet room. "I hope you'll hold me to so much more than that someday."

Blaine was just beginning to drift off himself when a few murmured, half asleep words reached his ears.

"I will."

* * *

It was the sound of several car alarms going off on the street below that woke Burt up several hours later. Everything was dim and not at all like the deeper darkness he was used to in his room back in Lima. Outside, a pair of angry voice began to bicker and it took him a few moments to remember he was in his son's apartment in Brooklyn.

Stretching slowly, Burt sat up on the springy little purple bed in Rachel's sectioned off room and stared around sleepily. There were no lights from the main room peaking through the half closed curtains, no sounds of movement or snores that his ears could detect either.

After stretching once more, Burt slid his socked feet over the side of the bed and stood up, padding out of the parted curtains and finding the ones used to block off Kurt's doorway directing across from Rachel's still wide open. He poked his head in briefly, but the room was empty.

"Kurt?" he called, swallowing down a huge yawn as he headed down the little makeshift hallway and into the main room. The lights from the Christmas tree were twinkling and splashed over the walls around the room as he stopped and glanced around.

A slow smile spread across Burt's face as he realized the one difference from the room he'd left earlier. The two couches were pushed together, cushion sides lined up and two booted pairs of feet were tangled up on the longer couch's side. Heart skipping happily in his chest, Burt inched forward quietly and peered over, finding Kurt and Blaine, nestled up side by side, Kurt's head on Blaine's shoulder and Blaine's resting on his, their hands laced together and resting on their thighs as they slept peacefully.

"Merry Christmas, boys," Burt murmured, circling around to the blanket rack in the corner and then returning to drape one carefully over the pair of them. He raised his eyes to the ceiling for a moment, his smile turning sad. "I wish you could see him now, Liz. You'd be so happy he's got this wonderful boy– man, really, to spend his life with. They don't know it yet, but," Burt turned his content gaze back onto his boys, "they're going to make it. Just like we did."

Under his loving gaze, Kurt stirred slightly, reminding Burt briefly of the little boy he'd found asleep on the couch years ago on Christmas Eve. Back then, Burt had been a wreck and had woken up to find Kurt curled up in his mother's sweatshirt, thumb in his mouth and sleeping fitfully. He still ached when he remembered that evening, when he'd finally realized he had to pull himself together in some way because his little boy still needed his love and life.

He bent down a little and brushed Kurt's floppy bangs back and watched him nuzzle his nose in against Blaine's cheek. They both shifted slightly before settling back against each other under the blanket.

Smiling, Burt headed over to the kitchen and looked for a menu for a pizza place that would deliver.

* * *

The delicious smell of pizza and the apartment door sliding closed woke Blaine from his peaceful slumber. He squinted around blearily, finding part of his vision distorted by floppy brown hair. A sneeze rattled through him as a few strands tickled his nose and Kurt shuffled against him, groaning a little as his squinted up towards the ceiling.

"W'at 'ime is it?" Kurt grumbled, his eyelids drooping closed again.

"It's pizza time!" was Burt's cheerful response from a few feet behind their heads.

"Eeezza?" Kurt slurred as Blaine sat up, twisted around onto his stomach and looked over in the direction of the kitchen.

There was a stack of pizza boxes on the counter and Burt was dishing out slices onto three plates. Burt chuckled at Kurt and agreed.

"Yup, got it delivered from Dominoes," Burt told them as Blaine stretched and climbed over the side of the couch, stumbling towards the delicious smells coming from the mountain of boxes. "Figure we'll wake him up with some pizza, then start in on presents," Burt muttered to Blaine, nudging the three plate towards him to carry over to Kurt.

"On Christmas Eve?" Blaine said in surprise. "We always do Christmas morning at my house."

"Hmm," Burt said looking thoughtful. "We could split it, half tonight and the rest in the morning."

"O- okay," Blaine agreed, biting the inside of his cheek as he scooped up Kurt's plate and followed Burt over to the couches. His mind wandered instantly to the wrapped up package he'd brought with him and the letter he'd written and attached to it for whenever Kurt was ready to open it. Whether he'd pass it along tonight or in the morning, Blaine wasn't sure, but the very thought made him nervous. Giving Kurt that package, the one that had been such a catalyst for his father a week ago, felt impossible and insane. He wasn't giving it with the same intentions he'd thought he would be when he'd bought it, but as a way to begin to really let go of what they'd had and where they'd been.

Burt sat his plate down on the nearest end table, and threaded his arms through Kurt's armpits and hoisted him up into a sitting position.

Kurt groaned in protest, but let Burt shift him into a good sitting position as Blaine hopped down on the little makeshift couch bed and set his plate in his lap.

"Come on, it's your favorite New York pizza," Blaine encouraged lightly, settling down next to Kurt and taking his first bite. "Oh, wow, that is better than Lima's."

"Told you," Kurt smiled, rubbing his eyes and sitting up a little straighter.

Burt settled down in the little armchair by the Christmas tree and started to eat. They talked and laughed as they plowed their way through three and a half pizzas, finally deciding they were full and tucking the other two into the refrigerator for later or tomorrow. After they'd cleaned everything up, Burt let Kurt in on their plan for presents and they each shuffled off to their various locations to pull out the last few they hadn't placed under the tree yet.

The pile wasn't exceptionally big, but there was a handful for each of them, and Blaine had made a point to bring along ones for Kurt from his friends at McKinley. Burt had also brought a few extras from Carole and Finn, and Blaine was surprised to find that that little grouping also included presents for himself.

"You really didn't have to get me anything," Blaine muttered in embarrassment as Burt set the last present addressed to him on the table next to him.

"Of course I did," Burt insisted. "You're one of my boys at this point." He glanced at Kurt, sorting out the last two under the tree, and added in an undertone, "Regardless of what happens with you two in the future."

"Thanks, Burt," Blaine whispered sincerely. "That means more than you'll ever know."

Kurt clapped his hands as he dropped back down beside Blaine on the couch, now pushed back into his original position. "So how many tonight? We've each got at least six, so– "

"How about we open the ones from each other tonight and save the others for the morning?" Burt offered, and the significant look he gave Blaine wasn't lost on him or Kurt, judging by the way his soft lips pursed.

"That sounds fine," Blaine agreed, trying to keep his voice steady despite the way his hands were trembling. He stuffed those into his cardigan pockets quickly, which ended up making it worse because his hand closed over the letter folded up neatly and tucked there until he gave Kurt the ring box in the wrapped package.

"Great! Open mine first!" Kurt insisted, pulling a bright green, lumpy parcel from Blaine's little group and handing it over.

They all had a lot of fun exchanging their gifts for the next half an hour. Kurt had bought Blaine a new, warm, deep green cardigan and made over a dozen bow ties for him from leftover fabric at the office. For Burt, Kurt and Blaine had each gotten him a new cap, Ohio State Buckeyes from Blaine and a soft denim one Kurt had made. He'd also received several healthy diet magazines from Kurt and a few ties for his Congress days.

Kurt was the last to open his gifts, too excited from watching the others to be bothered with his own. Burt had given him a nice chunk of money and a new kit of all the moisturizing lotions that he'd been unable to afford since he started paying a dozen new bills. Blaine gave him several new scarves, a new lion brooch he'd found at the thrift store in Lima, and, when Kurt was done adjusting the little lion head and Burt made an very inconspicuous dash to put his gifts away and then eat more pizza, Blaine finally took a deep breath and reached over and clasped Kurt's knee.

"There's one more thing," he said nervously. "It's– this is going to be hard to explain."

Eyebrows lowered in confusion, Kurt shuffled a little closer, closing his hand over Blaine's on his knee as Blaine pulled the wrapped box out from where he'd tucked it away in his pile.

"I– don't open it," Blaine began as he handed it to Kurt. He stuffed his hand into his pocket, pulled out the letter and sat it on top of the box in Kurt's lap. "This is– wow, this is going to be harder than I thought… "

"What is it?" Kurt asked slowly, releasing his grip on Blaine's hand and gingerly picking up the parcel.

"It's something I bought over the summer. Well, late August, really," Blaine told him quietly, fingers twitching nervously. "It's custom made so it just arrived last week, but… I never thought I'd be giving it to you so soon, or in this way. I won't tell you what it is, but I want to make a promise on this, that someday if you find it in your heart to forgive me, you'll read this letter and open it. My heart was ready for this and it still is, but the rest of me wasn't."

Kurt still looked confused, but his expression softened. "I can promise that."

"I bought it for you, Kurt, and if I want to find a way to move on and grow from these past few months – to forgive myself for what I've done for you – then I can't hold on to this. I'm sorry I'm forcing this onto you, and you can pawn it off or never open it or trash it but– "

"No, you aren't and I would never do that with something that seems so important to you," Kurt promised. "I'm not there yet with forgiveness, and most of the time, I'm not even sure where to start, but I can feel myself growing strong and becoming better." His fingers brushed over his name scrawled out across the folded and stapled note. "Thank you."

"Thank _you_," Blaine echoed, his voice cracking as a smile broke out across his face and he tried to laugh in relief. "You never had to give me this second chance to be friends or to apologize or let me back into your life in anyway no matter how sorry I am, and I will _always_ be so grateful to you for this. For everything you've ever done or meant to me."

"I told you once that I was never saying goodbye to you, Blaine, and I meant it," Kurt whispered, his eyes tearing up slightly. "No matter how much I wanted to shove you out of my heart and my life, it just made everything hurt more."

He leaned in and hugged Blaine tightly for a few minutes, until Burt reappeared and plopped down onto the other couch.

"I'm going to go put this up on my desk," Kurt decided, brushing a few tears off his cheeks and standing up.

Blaine watched him go, his chest feeling a little lighter until Burt spoke.

"Custom made, huh? Must be some engagement ring."

"I– you– _how_– "

Burt smiled wistfully and patted Blaine on the shoulder. "You two will get there, though I think you're going to have to wait for him to ask you now."

"I– " A flood of such images filled Blaine's vision. Kurt on one knee in front of him, or a napkin being pushed across a table at their new New York coffee shop with two little words written across them. He'd already taken his turn at it; the letter now in Kurt's possession was proof of that, even if it wasn't a proposal. The sentiment was there, and regardless of what Kurt decided on it then, Blaine would wait until Kurt was ready for the same step.


	8. January, Part 1

A/N: A Saturday night update for anyone not out cruising the town! This one's a little shorter than the last few, next part should be 6-7k, but I've decided to split it here for now.

So we're starting with New Year's Eve here, and still (obviously) deviating from canon. I've decided to skip the Blaine has a crush on Sam bit. It doesn't fit the bill with the trajectory I have going, and it really doesn't serve much purpose in canon, lbr. Yup. Enjoy some HummelPezBerry happenings in NYC, some Blam, and Sadie Hawkins beginnings. That storyline'll be finished in the second part of January. So enjoy the update and I will try to have the next part up by... Wednesday. Let's go with that day for now.

Second Fall

Kurt's New Years Eve was much more exhausting than he'd planned on it being. His father and Blaine had left the day after Christmas, while Kurt had returned to work for a few days and then been surprised this morning when Rachel had shown up with Santana and a car full of the other girl's possessions.

He'd known that Santana had been pondering moving to New York and testing the waters with the money her mother had given her, but she'd said very little about it since October. In fact, Kurt couldn't remember the girl saying much of anything about taking a semester of to try New York, at least not to him. Apparently Rachel and Santana had struck up quite an online and texting friendship, unbeknownst to him.

"Please, tell me that was the last box," Kurt complained, letting the awkwardly sized box slip from his grasp and slap down on the pile nearest to the door. "I can't take going up and down those stairs anymore."

"Maybe you two should have gone with ground level then," Santana snapped peevishly, staring around at all of the boxes as Rachel looked scandalized.

"But then people could bust into our windows and– "

"Mercedes would love that," Kurt quipped, grinning slightly as he stretched. A second later he regretted it completely. "Ugh, I smell _nasty._ First dibs on a shower." He shuffled over towards his room. "I'll let you two sort all of this and our New Years plans out."

While he was cleaning himself up, the girls rearranged some of the apartment, stacking Santana's belongings in a corner for the night and deciding that it would be simplest, and best, if they stayed in for their first New Years in New York. All three of them were exhausted and in no mood to deal with shuffling, insane crowds in the streets of Time Square.

As they dug out the last bottle of wine Brody had left them, they snuggled up on the couch, televised turned on to the New Years Eve special and discussed different ways to arrange their apartment now that there were three of them. Overall, it was actually a fun night for Kurt, much better than a loud, drunken street party or anything else boisterous. For the first time in a long time, he wanted nothing more than to be a homebody, sitting with two of his, arguably, best friends, sipping wine, discussing 2013 plans, and eating popcorn.

"Are you going to apply to NYADA?" Rachel asked as the host's reappeared on the screen and the clock hit ten until midnight.

Santana pursed her lips, looking contemplative but not very thrilled with the idea. "I don't know. NYADA doesn't really seem like my thing," Santana said after a moment. "I'd rather be on stage with a bunch of sweaty, sexy girls screaming my name than in an opera house or theatre."

Kurt giggled at the mental image, not at all surprised by Santana's latest ambitions. His own acceptance letter for NYADA had arrived and promptly been turned down, much to Rachel's chagrin. She'd been rather furious with him over that decision, but the acceptance letter from Parsons had already been returned with his signature and he was quite content with his choice. He'd fallen quite in love with his job at and all of the possibilities that were beyond entry level. With further education and a lot of hard work, he knew he could climb the career path he was already on. Fashion design was something he'd always excelled at and enjoyed deeply, and while musical theatre was a cherished passion, he knew which one he could easily spend the rest of his life doing.

"NYU has a nice music program," Kurt mentioned, taking another sip of wine. "Blaine applied there, too. The deadline just passed for early admission, so you could still apply for the standard admission process."

Santana nodded thoughtfully, looking only marginally interested. "So are you and him together again or what?"

Kurt clenched his jaw at the abrupt question, part of himself aching in longing from Blaine's departure a week ago, and another part still sore and scared of the implications of that step in their relationship.

"No," he settled on, voice wavering. "We're friends still, but… anything else isn't happening right now. It's all just too much, and we– " Kurt paused, shaking his head regretfully. "We're still in love, but forgiveness is something we aren't ready for yet."

Rachel squeezed his thigh comfortingly, dropping her head onto his shoulder as Santana sighed.

"I still can't believe he did that," she said quietly as the clock on the television screen hit 11:56. "Me or Britt or, really, _anyone_ else in Glee Club I'd expect it from, but Blaine… "

"It was his decision," Kurt admitted softly, "but I didn't make our relationship any easier by moving on without him."

Santana nodded, taking another swig of wine. "I know what you mean," she agreed. "That's why I broke it off with Britt, before that happened to us. I was already staring at all of these girls around campus and wanting to _do_ things… It's not like I've never cheated or helped someone cheat before either."

"Leaving them behind really sucked," Kurt said sadly. "I think it's doing both of us good in the long run. He was here at Christmas with my dad," he told them, thinking back as his heart pattered a little faster in his chest. "He was… different. I don't know how to explain it, but there was this… moment– "

"When he sucked you off?" Santana asked crudely, trying to lighten the mood, but Kurt glared at her until she looked marginally guilty.

"It was like he was the boy I fell in love with and then he gave me his last gift and… it was like handing it over dissolved some part of that boy. Like, for the first time I'd seen him peel back a layer of himself instead of having to encourage him to do it, and there he was. Still the boy I fell in love with, but older, wiser, more steady and strong. It was like watching him find another part of himself that he'd left undiscovered." He paused, finishing off his glass of wine and setting the empty glass down on the coffee table. "I still haven't opened it, but I was just… so _proud_ of him for helping himself. I'll always love that boy I first met, but he can't stay that sixteen year old forever. At some point we have to either grow apart or fall in love continuously with the people we grow into, right?"

The other two were quiet, staring at him in shocked amazement, until Santana finally said, "Damn, Porcelain. Maybe you should spend a week by yourself more often if it gives you profound insights like that."

Rachel nodded sagely as Kurt cleared his throat. "One minute to go. Any resolutions?"

"To be friends with Finn but nothing more," Rachel said immediately, surprising Kurt and Santana since she'd still looked stunned by Kurt's words. "I'll always love him, but Brody is who I'm falling for now. I can't keep hanging myself up with a high school romance."

"Ugh, _finally_," Santana said in relief. "I can't believe it's taken you this long to figure that out."

"Mine is to do well at work and at Parsons," Kurt decided, biting his lip before adding, "and to let myself forgive Blaine and see where life takes us after we've both forgiven what he did."

"I want to kick both of your asses by getting famous in New York before either of you," Santana said. "And to be happy, whether it's by myself, with Britt, or some other girl." She finished her wine as well. "Oh, and to _not_ have Berry as my New Years kiss."

"Hey!"

Kurt snorted as Rachel reached around him and tried to smack Santana, the three of them collapsing in a pile on the couch as the television and the city around them rang with the last countdown of 2012.

* * *

"3… 2… 1! Happy New Year!"

Blaine and Sam cheered as the ball in Time Square finished its drop on the television screen. They were in Blaine's basement, spending a relatively quiet evening together. The rest of the Glee Club was either out of town, at home with visiting family, or, in the case of Brittany and Tina, holed up at their own little "Girls Only" New Years Eve party. Sam had decided to counter that with a "Boys Only" one, using Blaine's house as a base of operations since his parents had been invited to James's colleagues' usual New Years bash. Blaine had denied an extended invitation in favor of having Sam over for a night of video games, board games, and several rounds of brandy during the first half of their Star Wars marathon.

By midnight they were both rather tipsy, though Blaine knew he was still far away from drunk. He hiccupped as all of the people in the crowd on the television grabbed each other and began to suck the other's face off.

Sam giggled, his jock strap (designated as his Bane mask) slipped over his nose and down around his neck.

"You sound like a squawking rooster," Sam sniggered, swaying a little next to Blaine on the couch.

"A cock," Blaine corrected, twirling a Twizzler between his fingers. "I love cock, you know. Especially Kurt's. It's my favorite. Even more favorite than my own."

Sam cackled loudly, tipping backwards onto his side of the couch as the couples on screen continued to make out. Blaine turned to watch him, room spinning slightly. Okay, maybe he'd had a bit more to drink than he'd originally thought.

After what felt like forever in Blaine's buzzing mind, Sam stopped laughing and sat up.

"Neither of us get New Years kisses this year," Sam grumbled morosely, eyes fixed on the screen.

Blaine glanced at it, surprised to find the couples and hosts still kissing. Time was unbalanced in his brain apparently, because he could have sworn that Sam had laughed for at least ten minutes instead of ten seconds.

"We could be each others," Blaine offered, barely even processing the words coming out of his mouth.

Sam stared blankly at the television, mouth hanging open in a way that could have looked remarkably horrorstruck if his eyes hadn't been so hazy and distant.

"The girls always say you're an awesome kisser," Sam informed him promptly. "Like, Rachel said you were fantastic and they all giggle about it at their parties."

"Oh," Blaine said simply. "I like boys' lips, though."

"They don't care," Sam shrugged, tilting his head and staring at Blaine. "Kissin's kissin'."

"Yeah," Blaine said a little dazedly.

"I've never kissed a dude before," Sam muttered as Blaine hiccupped once more, making Sam snort out a little giggle. "Wanna be New 'ears kisses?"

Absentmindedly, Blaine nodded, not caring that Sam was his very straight best friend, but knowing that nothing more than friendly affection was meant between them. It was a silly moment between friends, the same as Kurt was probably doing with Rachel in New Year at this very moment.

Sam leaned in a little too quickly, jaw knocking against Blaine's as he pressed their lips together. And it felt like nothing. A little tingle from the brandy still lingering on their lips, but just like kissing Rachel in the Lima Bean two years ago.

A loud hiccup echoed around the room as Sam swayed backwards, looking taken aback since the sound was now coming from him.

"Your kiss transferred it to me!" he said in outrage.

Blaine's face crinkled up as Sam hiccupped once more, the sharp sound loud and jolting. "Your lips are _huge_."

"Yours are a _dude's_," Sam said, sounding like he was agreeing to the unspoken conclusion they'd come to.

"That was definitely gross," Blaine said, speaking what they were both thinking.

With another hiccup, Sam dissolved into another fit of giggles, sliding off the couch as Blaine's face split into a grin and he began laughing, too. Never in his life could Blaine remember having so much fun or having a best friend, who wasn't also his boyfriend, to share evenings like this with. It was a new, fantastic experience he was diving into, and as much as he wished Kurt was there by his side, part of him was glad for the change. He was branching out, creating a life of his own, and finding a peaceful happiness along the way.

* * *

Blaine and Sam resolved to never mention their tipsy New Years Eve kiss in Glee Club, since the others would probably take it the wrong way. They both knew what it meant, and had had quite a laughing fit the following morning when Blaine's father had come downstairs to check on them, only to find them passed out on the couch and snuggled up together. Despite Blaine's assurances, James had insisted that the door now remain open when Sam was over, and Blaine's mother had simply smiled and shaken her head at all three of them.

Once school started up again, Blaine's life became hectic. His midterms were scheduled a few weeks into January, right before his first Julliard audition. There was Regionals to begin preparing for, several other clubs to organize, his boxing outside of school, and something he'd found quite upsetting when Principal Figgins had called him and Sam to his office the first day back. As Senior Class President and Vice President, the two were in charge of school-wide event planning, which Blaine had known included prom, which they'd already been discussing in meeting with their little prom assembly, but a new idea had cropped up this year, which meant–

"A Sadie Hawkins dance!" Principal Figgins announced to the silent pair of boys across his desk. "I hear it is the latest rage for young teens, especially these so-called 'feminist' girls, like Miss Tina Cohen-Chang, who want to be empowered."

As Principal Figgins rambled on Blaine grew tenser in his chair, his grip on the arm rests becoming as punishing as a mechanical claw. Not a Sadie Hawkins dance. Not after last time. He could _not_face another one of those, not with the memories and painful reminders his brain would be drifting back into. After that assault had happened, Blaine had done everything in his power to shove it out of his mind and then to further prevent such a thing from ever happening to himself again. He'd transferred to Dalton, taken up boxing, and generally kept any flamboyant aspect of himself tucked under his old blazer, tie, and crisp collared shirt.

There was nothing to hide himself under, and really, the last several months of his life had become devoted to understanding and accepting himself to the fullest of his ability. What would that mean now with this dance looming over his head? How long could he last before the inevitable memories started swirling around him like a windstorm?

When they exited the main office twenty minutes later, Blaine was silent, his walk stiff and unwavering. Beside him, Sam was riffling through the papers they'd been given, reading through a short list of dates and possible themes. Blaine was barely aware of any of it as the words "Sadie Hawkins dance" bounced around in his skull like a ping pong ball. Nobody here had any idea what he'd dealt with at the last Sadie Hawkins dance. Only Kurt had known, and he didn't want to bug him with this when they were finally friends again.

"… the casino one could be fun. We could use crackers and chips instead of really poker chips, and then have some gift certificates to cash any winnings in for or something… Blaine?" Sam stopped walking towards the staircase, confused to find Blaine had fallen well behind him.

Halfway down the hall Blaine had frozen, those three little words finally unwinding the tethers of robes Blaine had wrapped everything up in. His mind was racing with flashes of fists and booted foot, his heart pounding along as it tried to keep up.

"Dude!"

Sam was at his side quickly, catching him before he collapsed to the floor. As his back slid down the lockers lining the wall, his shirt getting untucked and caught on the vents, Blaine began to feel panicky. It was a sensation he still remembered well from his freshmen year, and despite the distance he'd placed there, it was still as heavy and overwhelming as it had always been.

"Woah, man, just breathe, okay?" Sam was squatting down beside him, rubbing his shoulders and talking randomly. Blaine could barely understand half of his words, only knew that the tone was calm and mellow. The rhythm of the other man's voice helped lessen the tension, but the bursts of memories kept popping into his mind, making him shake and shudder and sob.

Blaine didn't know how long they sat there as the memories slowly sunk back down. There were flashes from the dance itself, the assault afterwards and his defense of his date, then bright lights in the hospital hallways and operating room before he'd either blacked out or been put under. At some point Mr. Schuester appeared in the hallway, clearly looking for them since they'd left so long ago. The memories had mostly faded by that point, but the worry in Sam's eyes lingered for the rest of the day. Blaine refused to discuss why he'd had such a panic attack, even when Mr. Schuester had demanded to know what was wrong and who had upset him. It wasn't something Blaine ever discussed or worked through, just an old, frayed sock he kept swept under the rug that he always felt when he stepped too close to that edge, but never within his sight.

The rest of the day passed in a similar fashion. Sam told him at lunch that he'd made all of the executive decisions for the dance and turned it back into Figgins and that Tina and a few of the other girls were going to help him with decorating. Without anything being said between them, Sam seemed to understand that the mention of the dance had triggered something in Blaine that they'd never talked about.

For the rest of the week, Blaine wandered the school in a foggy daze, not really interacting or doing his usual attempts at smiling and being friendly to everyone. His nightmares had returned the same day Figgins had announced the Sadie Hawkins dance idea and so far Blaine had managed to sleep as little as possible and not call Kurt in hysterics. He wanted to handle this on his own, perhaps with Sam's help if he could bring himself to tell him the truth about that terrible night, but he wasn't sure if he could manage it.

His Sadie Hawkins memories were easily the worst moments of his life, something he could see haunting him for decades to come because it broke the innocent eyes he'd viewed the world through. Kurt had been his most trusted friend, the only one who Blaine had ever had a reason to speak that truth to and the only one Blaine had ever wanted to. Without his guidance and comfort, Blaine wasn't sure how to direct any of the pain and fear he was experiencing, because Sam was his best friend, but he would never be the same best that Kurt was.

There would never be anyone else that knew him as well as Kurt did, but now was a moment, a little trial when maybe, just maybe, he could finally prove to himself that he could take care of be trusted once again.

* * *

Kurt had never imagined his life could become anymore chaotic than it had been when he'd first arrived in New York and started working at Vogue. Two weeks into January, he realized just how impossibly wrong he was. He was taking a full-time load of classes, working at least 30 hours a week, and most likely more, at Vogue, and attempting to juggle his friends here and back at home. Especially Blaine. That was the one promise he'd made to himself before Blaine had left at the end of December, whether they ended up still being in love when all was forgiven or just remained friends, he was going to do his part to make sure he didn't leave Blaine in the dust once again.

Unfortunately, an entirely new and unrelated part of his life now included coming home to Santana's rather questionable choices–

"Oh, _yes!_"

Kurt grimaced as he slammed the apartment door closed, glaring over at Santana's newly sectioned off room where he could see the distinct outline of two females pressed together and moving frantically. He knew at this point that slamming the door would make absolutely no difference in whether or not the two women fell silent, but at least this new fling had the decency to pause and gasp in surprise.

Apparently it only encouraged Santana further.

"Don't worry, he's gay," Santana panted, and Kurt hurried to the kitchen counter, tugging open the nearest drawer and digging out the little bag of ear plugs he'd put in there last week after he came home to this for the third day in a row.

The resounding echo still made him feel better about the situation, but having to hear the noises at all made him grind his teeth and flash back to the rather graphic dreams he'd been having lately. Before Santana had moved in, the fact that he hadn't had sex since he'd left Lima in September hadn't been an issue. There were no reminders with Rachel as his only roommate. But Santana–

"_Oooh!"_

He fitted the plugs into his ears quickly, then headed into his room, changed out his school bag for his work bag, changed into a suitable outfit for work, and grabbed the book he had reading in for his earliest class tomorrow morning. After that, he rushed back out of the apartment, not removing his ear plugs until he was three floors down.

Kurt sent a quick text message to Rachel, informing her that they were all having a sit down tomorrow afternoon and discussing some more roommates rules because he was _not_ dealing with this every afternoon. At first he'd been amused, but now it was getting old and simply made him wonder how Santana had moved on from Brittany so easily. Maybe it was because she'd found out that Sam and Brittany were now going out, or maybe she hadn't been as deeply in love as Kurt had thought. Kurt imagined it was the latter, because he couldn't even stomach the thought of making out shirtless with another man, not even in his uncontrollable dreams. Blaine had dominated those images, either sprawled out beneath him, arching and begging and _moaning_or curled over him, his hip's movements sharp and almost brutal as Kurt had clung to him–

With a rough shake of his head, Kurt pushed the dream images away, knowing that with the light of dawn came the reality that surrounded such an intimate setting now. He still hadn't dared to ask for the truth of that one night stand Blaine had had. Part of him still didn't know if he wanted full details or if he'd someday stop imagining himself walking into Blaine's bedroom, finding his ex-boyfriend clutching his sheets, ass in the air while another, faceless man pushed into him.

He shook himself more forcefully and silently scolded himself for his untamable thoughts. Somehow he had to let that go. But the idea terrified him, because a small, resigned part of himself knew that letting go of the imagined infidelity scenarios meant letting part of Blaine go, or perhaps letting him drift away entirely in his mind and heart.

Feeling slightly nauseous at the thought, Kurt set off at a brisk pace for the subway. He'd spend the remainder of his free time until work at his favorite coffee shop by his office. A medium drip and some quiet time to finish his class reading was exactly what he needed now.

Somehow that idea dissolved into him nostalgically taking a picture of his coffee cup and sending it to Blaine with the words, "Remember the first time we had coffee together? And I spilled it all over the table because you made me feel so silly?"

By the time he left the coffee shop for work, Kurt still hadn't received an answer. Blaine had been unusually silent for the past few weeks and Kurt thought that that absence, kindled with Santana's overactive sex live, was the reason for his dreams. And the part where he was still in love with his ex-boyfriend. That was certainly a contributing factor to the hard-on always jutting against his thigh shortly before dawn every morning.

It was odd, since Kurt was used to so many messages from him. Even before they'd broken up, Blaine had always called, sent a text, or in some way contacted him throughout the day. Whether or not Kurt had answered had never seemed like an important factor, but now that Kurt was on this side of the equation, he thought he might be starting to get it. It hurt to be ignored when he was reaching out, even when they were only friends now, because he knew in his heart that so much more was shared and held between them, even if it was unspoken and rocky for now. For the first time since they'd broken up, Kurt understood how much Blaine had hurt in September.

If it hadn't been for Rachel, Santana, and a few other friends and co-workers, Kurt didn't know how he would have coped. At the same time it hit him once again that he had to let this go. This attachment was what had cause their downfall last time, and maybe in order to forgive and move past this he had to let Blaine and their love go. The boy he'd fallen for didn't exist anymore, not entirely, and Kurt had to realize that and let go of him before he could ever fully love someone else.

Unfortunately, loving anyone besides Blaine was a scary, unfamiliar thought.


	9. January, Part 2

A/N: Hoyhoyhoy, look at me keeping on schedule with updates. Amazing what happens when I only have one WIP to deal with. Soo, most of Sadie Hawkins is skimmed, just a warning. The actual dance didn't seem as important as Blaine finding it in himself to go to it. Oh, and a trigger warning for this one since there's a short flashback from his first Sadie Hawkins dance: violence, homophobic slurs, etc. It's actually really close to the beginning because of how I cut the parts up.

Sooo, yup. I think that's the main things to warn about for this part of January. Just one more left for January after this, and if I'm feeling generous it may get up before the weekend. We'll see on that. After that there's two parts for February since I'm cutting that month after the 15th, then a chapter each for March, April, and May. Getting quite close to the end really, especially in terms of writing since I'm half way through February now. Just gotta give Az time to beta through it and catch my crazy typos!

Enjoy the update!

Second Fall

January, Part 2

The text message had made Blaine smile when he finally looked at it after rehearsal later that afternoon. When he'd first received it, he'd been in his Calculus class, distracted both by his assignment and the nightmare from a few hours prior that was still taunting him in the overly bright classroom.

He'd seen Kurt's name and instantly shoved his phone away, not because he was annoyed or angry, but because he knew if he responded he'd end up in the bathroom on the phone, crying and spilling all of the agony this new Sadie Hawkins dance was bringing him. Blaine wasn't going to dump all of that on Kurt. Not this time; he had to find a way through this struggle on his own, the same way it had been when it had happened. He had to face himself and understand himself and as much as it terrified Blaine, he knew without a doubt that what had happened to him at the Sadie Hawkins dance was a part of himself that he had to explore on his own.

So he'd ignored the text until he'd calmed down and begun focusing on other aspects of his day. It finally worked around lunch when he first met up with Sam for the day, and after that he had him in the rest of his classes. Then he'd been incredibly busy with a few more discussions about the dance with Figgins, and then Glee Club. Kurt was at work by the time Blaine decided to respond with a teasing little comment about the way Kurt had dribbled coffee down his chin during the same coffee date.

By the time he got home, showered, and ate, Kurt had called him and Blaine hadn't been available. Feeling slightly guilty for how little he'd been in contact, Blaine sent a text message telling Kurt he had been in the shower, but was and would be doing homework for most of the night and to call if he could.

That plan didn't work either. By nine o'clock Blaine was asleep on his bed, history book slipping from his grip and hitting the floor. He rolled over in his sleep, phone sliding down between his pillows, not hearing the buzzing of an incoming call or the muffled beep informing him that he had new messages. Blaine heard nothing from the physical room around him, but the echoes of his freshmen year resonated more violently than ever that night.

_Two strong, much larger, pairs of arms held him against the brick wall behind the dumpster out behind the gymnasium. The grips on his wrists and biceps were bruising, despite how weak and shaky he was. Blaine couldn't see, he could barely breathe from the hits his chest and stomach had already received. Blood clung to his eyelashes as he weakly tried to struggle free, to find out what had happened to Gavin and if he was okay or awake now._

_The sharp ping of metal connecting with the dumpster beside them rang out clearly in Blaine's ears despite the indistinct, watery sounds of everything else around him. Two of the seniors chuckled loudly as the metal pinged once more, closer and louder. Blaine trembled, panic swelling rapidly in his chest. He tugged more forcefully to free himself as another drip of blood slid down his eyelid and into his eye._

_" Let– stop– " his head throbbed as he tried to form a coherent sentence, but he barely managed two_

_feebly whispered words._

_"Come on, faggot, don't you wanna play with the big boys?"_

_Blaine cried out pitifully, trying even more sluggishly to break free, but the seniors only held him tighter. He wasn't getting away from this. He'd knocked the leader of the little football trio in the back of the head when he'd first appeared, saving Gavin from a much more brutal assault, but still leaving the other boy passed out on the curb in the parking lot before a fist had sunk into his gut and he'd been dragged behind the gymnasium and kicked and beaten._

_Crack!_

_His mouth hung open, his choked off whimper of pain barely making a sound over the homophobic slurs and laughs surrounding him._

"No– no, stop– "

Blaine jolted awake in his head right before his dream self's vision cleared enough to take in the aluminum bat about to connect with his face. He was trembling and panting, his shirt and pajama pants soaked through with sweat and clinging to his flushed skin. Tears were clouding his eyes, and before he even understood where he was and that he wasn't fourteen again, he heard a concerned, sleepy voice against his ear.

"B- Blaine? It's almost three in the– why are you crying?" Kurt yawned once, suddenly sounding more alert and Blaine sunk back into his pillows, choking back his cries and shaking.

"They were– and I can't stop remembering– "

His words dissolved into gibberish after that, but Kurt shushed him and talked quietly, soothingly as Blaine hiccupped and started to fall back into the present. Slowly he became aware of the bed under him, the warm blankets, still slightly damp with sweat, and the light of his laptop screen at his desk across the room. Kurt's voice continued to drift calmingly through his phone that he'd apparently dug up and immediately dialed.

Blaine felt incredibly foolish for his panic and the nightmares, especially when he looked at the clock on his night-stand and saw that it was approaching four in the morning.

"Fuck," he rasped, squeezing his eyes shut and interrupting Kurt's calming voice. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have called– I wasn't trying to drag you into this Sadie Hawkins stuff and– "

"Blaine, we're friends, best friends; that's what I'm here for– "

"No," Blaine argued, his voice cracking. "I– you don't get it. I don't want to rely on you to get me through all of my problems. I've– "

"Who else knows what happened, Blaine?" Kurt asked calmly and Blaine, slightly tense with anger at himself, curled his knees up to his chest. But he couldn't offer any response to that question that wasn't negative. "Blaine, I… I get what you're trying to do, and I think it's a fantastic thing to want to be able to understand yourself, but you need _someone_ you can talk to about this while you work through it. If you don't… don't want that person to be me then– "

"I just want to be able to not depend on you like I did before," Blaine admitted miserably. "I want to be able to be happy with just myself before I compound that happiness with you, if that makes sense."

"I know what you mean," Kurt whispered, and Blaine was surprised to hear him sniffle. "I'm starting to understand how you felt when I left. You've been so quiet lately and it… it hurts and I get why now, but… I miss you, only I'm not sure what that means."

Guilt surged through Blaine, replacing the last strands of fear still coiled around his heart. He'd known he'd been more distant because of this, but after Kurt's distance so many months ago, he hadn't thought the other man would notice or be as effected as he had been.

"I'm sorry," he said simply, hating that he was once again hurting Kurt, only this time it was for the supposed benefit of himself.

"Don't be," Kurt said softly. "Talk to Sam. _Tell_ him if you don't want to rely on me, Blaine. I– we're both trying to figure out where we stand with each other, aren't we? Trying to figure out ourselves at the same time, too. You need to trust yourself and I need to let go of the simple boy I first met. We aren't those boys anymore. I think that's the key to forgiving each other completely."

Nodding shakily, Blaine hiccupped, but agreed. It made sense to him, had been the path he'd chosen several months ago when Kurt had refused to talk to him after they'd broken up. It was himself he needed to know again, with a little support from a new friend.

"I still love you, Blaine," Kurt admitted, "so much it hurts to think we might never have that back or that we're both deluding ourselves into thinking we're still in love with the boys we were."

"I'm not," Blaine whispered with such conviction he could picture the stunned look on Kurt's face that had no doubt accompanied the sharp intake of breath. "I've watched you change and grow since the first day I met you. It's part of the reason I fell so hard and barely noticed. You were still changing and so was how I felt, but my love's grown for you as you've outgrown this place. I know where my heart stands, where it'll always stand, but I don't know where I stand with myself."

"And I'm in the opposite dilemma," Kurt mumbled with a short, humorless laugh. "I loved the idea of where we started, and never saw you move beyond that. I didn't let you grow."

"I didn't want to."

Kurt sniffled, and Blaine heard his blankets shift on the other end of the line. "Goodnight, Blaine. I love you."

Blaine sighed quietly, some of the weight in his chest lessening after their conversation. They knew what they each needed to figure out, had acknowledged it with themselves and with each other. It was only a matter of time until they got there now, and Kurt was right. He should tell Sam. The other boy was his friend, more so than anyone else at McKinley. He deserved the truth and Blaine was going to share it with him.

"I love you, too."

* * *

After his early morning classes, Kurt took a long nap back at their apartment. For the first time all week, Santana wasn't holed up in her room with a nameless woman, moaning and screeching and shattering various objects while Kurt tried his best to ignore it. She wasn't even in the apartment when he got back shortly after eleven o'clock. He thought it was odd, but shrugged it off, hoping perhaps the girl had gone to check out a school or look for a job. Rachel would be in her classes for another few hours, so Kurt settled down in his bed, not bothering to undress or even kick his boots off.

Hours later Santana and Rachel woke him, one murmuring his name softly and the other prodding him purposefully in the face.

"Wake up, Porcelain, this meeting was _your_ idea," Santana insisted, prodding him more roughly until Kurt snapped his teeth at her, almost catching a well-manicured nail. "Don't play piranha with me, Hummel, get up."

The blanket he'd rolled himself up in was tugged out of his grasp, letting in a chilly wave of air. Kurt shuddered and lazily rolled back towards his roommates, glaring up at them.

"Lemme sleep 'til dinner," Kurt groaned, squinting at them angrily as the cold air settled more heavily around him. "Why's so cold?" he complained.

"Heat's out again," Rachel informed him, her jacket ruffling noisily as she tried to bundle herself up more. "You're the one who always fixes it, so… "

"Yeah," Santana agreed, prodding him in the nose. "Get busy with your mechanic prowess, would you? Before we have a Berry popsicle in our living room, though you might actually taste delicious."

Rachel made a disgusted noise, and Kurt blinked slowly until the girls came into focus, Rachel in her knitted hat, scarf, and gloves with her hideous overstuffed jacket on, while Santana was much simpler in her old McKinley letterman jacket and matching gloves. It was really bizarre for Kurt to see her in it despite having only graduated seven months ago. Back then it had been a daily occurrence, but now it felt odd, less than the person she was now.

"Feed me and I'll fix it," Kurt demanded, sitting up and hugging himself. It really was freezing in here at this point. If he hadn't fallen asleep in his clothes and outer wear, Kurt knew he'd have been awake several hours ago, probably fixing the stupid heating unit just as the girls came bustling in.

"We ordered pizza," Rachel offered, rubbing her mitten covered hands over Kurt's fingers to warm them up. "Your tools are by the heater, too."

Yawning and shivering, Kurt dug his gloves out of his coat pocket and followed the girls into their main living area. He stretched out by the heater, accessing any possible problems or breaks while the two girls huddled up on the loveseat behind him, shivering.

"So, can we have this meeting while you're fixing it?" Santana asked, his voice stuttering from the cold. "There are no beautifully warm women around to keep my body heat intact, and talking will at least keep my mind off of that."

"That's actually the exact reason I wanted to have this meeting," Kurt grumbled, popping open the toolkit his father had given him almost a decade ago when he'd first let Kurt help at the shop. "I'm sick of coming home and listening to you and some girl get off."

"Well, it's a shame you can't join us," Santana said immediately. "But as much as I love threesomes, you're dick-exclusive and I'm lesbian-exclusive." Kurt saw her shrug carelessly out of the corner of her eye. "There's nothing I can really do about that."

"You could learn to be quiet while your roommates are here," Kurt pressed angrily, popping the heating unit's cover open. He immediately saw the problem: the same wire as last time had come uncoiled and was currently attached to nothing. "I don't care if you have sex in your room or on the floor or on the couch– "

"Ew, no!" Rachel squealed in dismay. "No sex on the _couch_!"

" – but I don't want to hear every damn minute of it every afternoon, Santana," Kurt continued as though Rachel had interrupted. "I'd like to be able to come back to my room after class, relax, do some homework, and then head to work without having to run out of here because of how awkward it is listening to you and whoever ten feet away."

As Kurt wound the wire tightly and fitted it back into its metal slot, the girls fell silent behind him. He knew Rachel was undoubtedly imagining someone, namely himself and a random man, or Santana and some woman, fucking the couch where she was seated. Santana, on the other hand, was either stewing, thinking his words over carefully, or just as aware of his own sexual urges and lack of outlet as her sex life made him.

"You're just upset because you don't have a tight ass around to fuck," Santana decided bluntly.

"Santana," Rachel scolded immediately. "Don't– "

"At least I have enough decency to let my last relationship have proper time to heal before I go off trolloping around– "

"_Kurt!"_

Santana glared darkly at him, and Kurt met the look with a vicious one of his own. He didn't know why the remark had stung so much, but he loathed being reminded of it, of what he'd lost, and how uncertain everything romantic was with Blaine right now. More importantly it zapped him right back into his dreams, both the lovely ones with Blaine pressed close, and the horrible ones when there was skin against Blaine's but it wasn't his own.

"What happened with… with me and Britt wasn't like you and Blaine," Santana finally said, her voice soft and wistful. "We were best friends, and yes, I loved her, but not in the way you and Blaine love each other. As much as I don't like it, it was different, and that difference was one that meant we wouldn't spend the rest of our lives together like I thought you and hobbit would."

Kurt fixed his gaze on his work and said nothing as he hooked the wire back into place. Part of him felt guilty for the remark, but at the same time, he didn't like how well Santana knew him. Or perhaps she'd heard him in his sleep, which was another, very embarrassing idea.

"Sorry," he mumbled finally, closing the heating units cover and plugging it back into the wall. It shuddered for a moment and the little power light on the top flickered on. "Heat's back."

Rachel beamed and clapped her hands, hopping up under the pretense of going to the bathroom. Kurt sat down on the couch across from Santana, not meeting her eyes. It was surreal when he considered how happy both of them where this time last year. Everything had been so much simpler in high school, only he'd had no idea that it was back then. What had once been easy and enough had changed so quickly, he doubted either of them had fully caught up with it. He was definitely still reeling from it, though the spinning was slowing down gradually as Blaine slotted back into his life.

"I–" Kurt bit his lip, guilt bubbling through him. "I didn't mean that you and Britt didn't love each other or anything like that– "

"I know what you meant, Kurt," Santana cut in, her voice crisp and flat. "I've known it practically since I left for school, even before that. I loved her, but when I saw the way you and Blaine looked at each other, I knew it was different, only it took leaving for me to realize what that meant and who had what it took to last."

Kurt snorted faintly and drew his knees up to his chest as the heat slowly filled the room.

"So much for lasting," he muttered. "We didn't last more than a month– "

"Live and learn," Santana remarked, shrugging. "He screwed up and I'm guessing you did to in some way. I remember that dopey way he had of looking at you. There's no way he'd just go fuck some twink without feeling like you two were over."

Eyes focused on the heater across the room, Kurt said nothing in response, which seemed to confirm Santana's accurate suspicions.

"You two still talk," Santana said slowly, watching him carefully. "You're still in love even _after_ hurting each other so deeply. That's what I mean when you have what it takes to last together. He's your best friend, but that's only part of it. Britt was _just_ a best friend, even while we felt more. It never really went beyond that."

"We're… we're giving each other space right now," Kurt admitted. "He's working on himself and I'm working on forgiving and not being so distant… "

"I hope you two make it."

"So do I," Kurt replied, finally looking up and meeting her bittersweet gaze. "But don't think for a minute that that means you're getting out of this roommate meeting– "

"Oh, come _on_! It's just loud sex– "

"I'm not listening to it every day, Santana– "

"Oh my god, are you two talking about having sex on the couch again?" Rachel bellowed from the bathroom. "God, can't you save that until after I'm done peeing?"

* * *

Fingers carefully threaded through his slightly loose curls as Blaine hovered in front of the mirror in his bedroom. He gulped for the tenth time since he'd changed into his tuxedo for the evening. Sam's fingers continued to mess with his curls, trying relentlessly to fix Blaine's hair in a similar fashion to how Kurt had styled it.

Blaine watched him work, grimacing at the noticeable curl of his hair since he'd been too jittery to straighten it and Sam hadn't trusted himself with the device.

"Looks pretty cool, I say," Sam decided, tugging a single curl loose and dangling it down Blaine's forehead slightly. "Nothing on that swoopy thing Kurt and you have been doing, but the curls really look cool, man."

"You think so?" Blaine asked in surprise, examining his reflection from various angles. It really did look all right. With the help of some mousse, his curls had lost their after-shower frizz and were sleek and fairly tamed, styled up off his forehead in a fairly natural way.

"Yeah, we're gonna kill at that dance," Sam beamed, patting him on the shoulder and straightening his tie in the mirror. "We're hot."

Blaine snorted, his body still shivering with nerves as he glanced at the clock. They had to leave soon or they'd be late.

"It's going to be a blast," Sam said more quietly, hands coming up and resting on Blaine's shoulders from behind. "I know last time was rough even though you haven't said why– "

"I was in the hospital for two weeks after my last Sadie Hawkins dance," Blaine confessed, meeting Sam's eyes in the mirror. "It was… " He cleared his throat roughly, eyes burning as the memories floated back up. "I'd just come out, and I asked the only other gay guy at school. We went together and it was… they shoved us around and spilled drinks on us all night. When we left, a couple of the seniors followed us outside. Gavin was calling his dad and I walked away a little to call my brother since my parents didn't know anything about the dance… "

Sam swallowed loudly behind him, hands tightening their grip on Blaine's shoulders as he continued to talk. It was the first time since Kurt's Junior Prom that he'd talked himself through that night, and somehow, speaking it out loud again, after weeks of nightmares and trying to think himself through the evening, made the weight of it feel lighter in his chest.

"How many of them were there?" Sam prompted, voice quiet and tight.

"Three," Blaine continued, his vision swimming slightly as he found his fourteen year old self spinning around, alarmed by his date's shout, only to find three seniors on the football team crowded around him. "They went for Gavin first. S- Started punching him, and I ran over and knocked one in the back of the head. It was the stupidest thing I think I've ever done."

"Sounds damn brave to me," Sam remarked. "You're a fantastic friend and boyfriend. I'm sure he was grateful."

"They slammed his head against the curb and left him there while they dragged me off to the dumpsters behind the gymnasium," Blaine whispered hollowly. "After that, they… " He shook his head, trembling slightly as Sam forced him to spin around and stop staring at his pale, frightened face. "A lot of broken bones, concussion, some surgery on a broken rib that punctured one of my lungs… That's why I ran to Dalton. I never wanted to face that again."

Sam was quiet as Blaine stared directly ahead of himself. Sam's neck was in his line of vision, Adam's apple bobbing shakily.

"You didn't run," Sam finally said, pulling Blaine in for a tight hug. "Anyone would have left after that, especially that young and just out of the closet, dude. You're one of the bravest, smartest guys I know and you going to Dalton is proof of that."

Blaine pressed his face into Sam's shoulder, allowing a few unstoppable tears from dotting the other man's blazer. "Thanks," he muttered hoarsely, and for the first time since he was fourteen, he actually felt like it might be true.

"All right, enough sad things," Sam decided, pulling back with a bright smile. "We've got a dance and two lovely ladies to entertain tonight!"

"Right, because encouraging Tina's crush is a _fantastic_ idea," Blaine grumbled, but as Sam laughed at him and pushed him towards the door, Blaine grinned too.

But as they approached McKinley, now with Brittany in the car, Blaine grew tenser as he prepared himself for anything unexpected. He told himself repeatedly that it wouldn't happen again, that he had a dozen friends here, was a senior now _and_ Senior Class President, and that nobody would want to harm him like before.

They met Tina outside of the gymnasium, Sam and Britt talking and laughing while Blaine lingered behind, shaking slightly and very uncomfortable. But he forced himself to smile when Tina greeted him and fixed his hair, and he tried his best to relax and trust himself on this one. If he couldn't trust himself then nobody else would be able to either.

Blaine took Tina's hand, closed his eyes for a moment and breathed deeply. He would be brave and face this. And when tonight was over he'd look back and remember having a fabulous time with his friends instead of being beaten bloody. There would be no more negativity or doubt about himself from tonight on.

"Let's go boogey," he decided, eyes opening as he tugged Tina into the gymnasium.

* * *

The train station was unbelievably busy Saturday morning. Kurt yawned in the early sunlight, shivering against the chill numbing his lips and nose. Santana stood beside him, hip shifted to one side as she tapped her foot impatiently. He honestly didn't understand why she'd insisted on making the journey across town with him. Rachel had flat out refused when he'd mentioned picking up Blaine the night before. Apparently she was looking forward to the start of her three day weekend and was celebrating it by sleeping in.

As he stared blearily around, Kurt really couldn't blame her. It was incredibly early, just after dawn, and a heavy mist still hung in the air around them. But the train that had left shortly after midnight had been the only one Blaine could find a reasonable price on, and now Kurt was here, with an impatiently tapping Santana, shivering and wishing he'd told Blaine to grab a cab.

"Shouldn't the damn thing be here by now?" Santana snarled, shifting her weight to the other hip and crossing her arms.

"There's still about five minutes," Kurt yawned, daring to stretch his arms out and allow a short blast of cold to wrap around him. "Ugh, why did we stay up so late?"

"Because we couldn't agree on the sex terms of our roommate agreement," Santana reminded him with a little simpering smile. She winked playfully at him a second later, adding, "I can't wait to use it against you and Hobbit once you're all hard and panting against him– "

Kurt did his best to keep a straight face at the suggestion, but considering the repetitive dream he'd encountered again last night it was difficult.

"We aren't going to be doing anything like that," he snapped waspishly. "Not right now. Not until we've both sorted things out a little more and understood how to forgive."

He didn't bothering adding that Blaine needed to trust himself and understand and accept the scariest, worst moments of his life. Kurt wondered if he'd managed to do so last night at the Sadie Hawkins dance, if perhaps Blaine had faced one enormously painful part of himself and taken another step closer to being able to forgive himself for his worst choices.

"Yeah, yeah," Santana muttered, rolling her eyes and tapping her foot more loudly. She finally dropped her hands to her side with a disgruntled noise and spun away from the platform and towards the little building attached. "I'm going for coffee. This is way too early."

Kurt watched her go, quite glad to be rid of her for a little while, even though the company had been welcome on the subway ride over. If it hadn't been for Santana next to him, asking about various schools around the city, Kurt would have fallen asleep and ended up making a round trip back to their stop.

After Santana disappeared, Kurt dropped down onto an empty bench slightly away from the small crowd waiting by the edge of the platform. They were all huddled together, most likely for the added warmth, but Kurt wanted his solitude right now. His heart was leaping and falling, squashing down hard against his lungs as he waited for the train to come chugging through the mist. Any minute now Blaine would be pulling into the station, probably exhausted, both physically and emotionally after yesterday.

He'd been trying to imagine what had happened at Blaine's Sadie Hawkins dance, if the boy had had any panic attacks or encounters that had triggered his past experiences. All night, he'd resisted the urge to text or call Blaine, either a simple word of courage or to check in, but he knew he couldn't. This evening was something Blaine had needed and wanted to face on his own. It was the best option for it, and Kurt, while nervous, was unbelievably proud of his best friend. The one thing Kurt hoped for was that Blaine had come out of it stronger and more sure of himself and who he was. At least then one of them would be closer to forgiveness, and while Kurt wanted to reach that point more than anything, he also realized that Blaine forgiving himself for his mistakes was much more important in the long run.

Snuffling as another gust of chilly wind whipped up around him, Kurt bundled up tighter, and glanced at the clock over the building. A quarter until eight o'clock. The train was late. He stared back over at the tracks, both wanting the train to appear and wishing it wouldn't. He was dreading the idea of Blaine being a wreck after the dance last night, and hoped more than anything that Blaine had trusted himself and how strong he was.

A little after eight, another gust of wind picked up, but this one continued on long after the others had. Kurt hopped to his feet, padding over to the edge of the platform just as the train began rolling in, parting the fog like a blade. The other people waiting swarmed closer to the doors as travelers slowly began to exit the cars and, finally, after nearly ten minutes of waiting, Kurt spotted a familiar Dalton beanie in the doorway a few cars down before it dropped down amongst the crowd.

Stomach churning anxiously, Kurt hurried over, hoping more than anything that Blaine wouldn't be in a bad state. Seconds passed as Kurt approached the edge of the little crowd, trying to spot Blaine once more, until finally the boy appeared, shouldering his way through the crowd. When he spotted Kurt a few feet away, Kurt froze, quickly taking in Blaine's disheveled appearance. He was still in his tuxedo, shirt untucked, collar rumpled, and his bow tie undone and hanging loosely around his neck. But it was the way he held himself, the calm maturity that reminded Kurt of the boy he'd first met at Dalton that made him forget to breathe.

There was nothing forced or hidden about the easy grin Blaine offered him, nothing regretful or uncertain to accompany the flushed, slightly exhausted, look on Blaine's relaxed face. Before Kurt could visibly take everything about Blaine in, the other boy was suddenly in his arms, hugging him tightly and smelling strongly of coffee. The shockingly loose curls tickled Kurt's cheek as he squeezed Blaine back, resisting the urge to pick him up and revolve on the spot.

"Your hair isn't being tortured for one," Kurt remarked as Blaine stepped back a little and continued to smile at him. "It's quite lovely."

"Thanks, Sam didn't trust himself to straighten it without burning my scalp, so… " Blaine gestured vaguely at his hair, obviously tamed with mousse, but one side was flattened, as though Blaine had pressed his face against the window of the train and slept.

"It looks great," Kurt said encouragingly, tugging gently on a loose one dangling in the other's eyes. "You must be exhausted after– "

"I slept on the train," Blaine cut in, still grinning brightly. "And there was a lot of coffee so I'm wired right now. And it's just– I'm so glad I get to see you again, Kurt."

"Of course you do, dummy," Kurt chided playfully, but his eyes lingered over Blaine's expression. There was such a notable difference there it was impossible to miss. The dance had obviously gone quite well the previous evening, and done Blaine a lot of good. Something else was there, though, and for the life of him, Kurt couldn't stick a name on it. But as Blaine's smile softened, so sure and steady, it sparked something in Kurt. It wasn't anything overwhelming or monumental, but a little prickle of something unexpected and undefined ran through him.

"Well, I've gotta grab my bag," Blaine said eventually, their eyes still locked as Blaine backpedaled towards the train's caboose.

Kurt watched him head back into the crowd, his spine tingling and his heart feeling like a springboard. Blaine had been different in December, but now… it was undeniable. What Kurt thought was the last piece had seemed to have finally slotted into place for Blaine. The maturity that Blaine had always carried himself with had expanded and grown calmer, easier to express, and it was Kurt's sincere hope that forgiveness and trust had become attached to that. It certainly seemed like it.

A low whistle rang out behind him and Kurt half-turned to find Santana gazing over at Blaine, her expression surprised, but not unpleasantly so. She took a sip of coffee and offered him the cup.

"He's different," she remarked. "And a lot hotter when his hair isn't cemented to his scalp."

"Blaine's changed a lot since September," Kurt said simply, watching his ex-boyfriend accept his bag from the platform worker with many thanks.

"I'll say," Santana replied, still eyeing Blaine as he headed back towards them. "I always thought he was really an adult playing pretend when he was in that blazer, but now… he doesn't need the blazer anymore."

The words stunned Kurt slightly as Blaine lumbered back over under the weight of his bag. He didn't think Santana even understood how deeply what she'd said went, but it was true. Blaine _had_ outgrown Dalton. He'd moved past the fears and memories that had led him to that old sanctuary, discovering little pieces of himself he'd dropped along the way.

Santana laughed suddenly, pulling Kurt from his thoughts.

"Oh, you are so going to tap that plump ass this weekend," she cackled, and Kurt realized too late that his eyes, while vacant and distant, had unfortunately been aimed right at Blaine's hips.

Blushing ruby red, Kurt glared at her. " I am _not_. We aren't– we can't until– "

"Yeah, yeah, forgiveness. I know. You've only said it a thousand times since New Year's," Santana said flippantly. "I think the best way to earn forgiveness is being eaten out. Or a blow job, as the case may be for his pretty little mouth, huh?"

Blaine stumbled over to them just as the last words frosted over in the air. Santana was grinning in amusement and Kurt was suddenly glad for the cold. At least it made his burning face less noticeable.

"Hey, Santana, how's New York treating you?" Blaine greeted, slinging his bag to the ground as Santana stepped in for a hug.

"You know me," Santana returned as the two embraced tightly, Santana's eyes lingering on Kurt's ruby face. "Enjoying all the ladies this city has to offer."

Blaine snorted as they pulled away, scooping up his bag and shaking his head. "Only you would consider moving to New York a rare chance at a city-wide sexcapade."

"Damn right, hobbit," Santana grinned, looping her arm through one of his and the other through Kurt's left. "There's a surprisingly large number of lesbian cherries that need popping in this city, and I'm just the girl to do it."

Laughing this time, Blaine let them lead him out of the station and to the subway. The first thing all three of them did when they got back was decide to take long naps. By the time they'd arrived in Bushwick, Blaine's half a dozen cups of coffee had worn off and he was just as exhausted as Kurt had been picturing him all morning. Santana stumbled off to her own room, yawning and rubbing her eyes, while Blaine began setting himself up on the couch, but the sight made Kurt uncomfortable, and even rather guilty, though he knew there was no logical reason for Blaine to expect to share his bed.

"Don't," Kurt decided after a moment. "You need to sleep on a bed after that train ride, and if you're going to be perfect and charming at your audition on Monday, then you'll need several nights of proper skin care and comfortable sleep."

"But, Kurt, I– are you sure?" Blaine hesitated as Kurt stepped around him and scooped his bag up. "I don't want to make you uncomfortable if you aren't ready for– "

"I've missed having you with me," Kurt said simply, reaching out and clasping Blaine's hand in his before he could convince himself it was a foolish idea. "I… I didn't really know what that meant until now, I think."

Blaine didn't reply to his last, unclear sentence, but instead allowed Kurt to lead him into the sectioned off area that was his bedroom. Neither of them spoke as they kicked their shoes off and got comfortable. As Kurt laid down, Blaine settling beside him, his body relaxed instantly with the warmth of his presence. It was true when he thought about it now. He hadn't known originally what he'd meant when he'd told Blaine that he missed him a few weeks ago. It was only now, when he saw Blaine's growth, that he really figured it out. He missed the boy he'd left behind in Lima four months ago. Kurt missed the way Blaine had held him, kissed him, soothingly brushed his fingers along Kurt's jaw when he was upset, and more than anything Kurt missed how much that boy had needed him.

This Blaine didn't need him like that anymore. He was his own person, guiding himself now and so much happier and stronger because of it. Kurt was really glad Blaine had found that part of himself, but it hurt in a way he didn't want to explain. Before now, Blaine had always needed Kurt, to guide him, to hold him up, or comfort him about whatever was going wrong, but now that wasn't necessary. Blaine could function on his own, had unanchored himself from Kurt and was still flying high and succeeding.

Kurt felt something slip inside of him at the realization, like his heart had been balanced precariously on a shelf in his chest and suddenly been knocked sideways by Blaine's stray elbow. It wasn't intentional, but natural for Blaine to take control of his own life. His heart was still dangling off that shelf, still waiting for Blaine's hand to come desperately grappling for its unyielding strength, to set the shelf straight once more, but Kurt couldn't allow that now, and Blaine wouldn't want it back like he had before, even if he felt he needed it.

As Blaine began snoring softly at his side, Kurt allowed his eyes drift closed, took a deep breath, and let his heart fall.


	10. January, Part 3

A/N: So it's about time this fic started getting little bursts of NC-17 material, yes or yes? Well, it's starting, too, so just a warning if you don't read that sort of thing: it begins with the italics and yup. There's your warning.

Enjoy the update, and with any luck I'll be posting the first half of February before the week is out!

Second Fall

January, Part 3

For the first time since Kurt had moved to New York, Blaine was fully enjoying visiting him, feeling guilt free and quite happy. He couldn't completely explain it to himself yet, but something had happened inside of him at the Sadie Hawkins dance, something that had flipped a switch permanently.

He'd had _fun_, more than he'd had since Kurt had left. Tina, Sam, Brittany, and himself had danced the night away, taking the stage to loud applause several times, and then he and Sam had closed the dance out to thunderous cheers. Afterwards, they'd lingered in the halls for a while, chatting and laughing, and then in the parking lot when Blaine had expected the worst memories of his life to reappear and assault him like those jocks had, nothing had happened. He's been a little sweaty and flushed from a fun night, but suddenly, miraculously, those moments from years ago hadn't been so sharp. Something about trusting himself and facing those memories had made them watery and less potent.

Sunday morning, Blaine slept in. When he woke up, Kurt was gone, already at work while he, Rachel, and Santana spend the day holed up in the apartment, reminiscing about the previous year and getting caught up on the Glee Club and the girls' new lives in New York.

By late afternoon, Rachel left to go practice some dance number with Brody. Kurt was set to arrive home within the next few hours, and as soon as Rachel left, still insisting that she was just going to Brody's to practice some important dance number, Santana scoffed and flipped the television on.

"Oh, _please_, it's so obvious she's going to get her pussy stuffed– "

"Oh, no! I don't wanna hear about that!" Blaine hollered, clapping his hands over his ears and shaking his head violently. "Dicks, cocks, flat chests– "

His hands were snatched away a second later, Santana glaring at him in disbelief. "I take back what I said to Kurt yesterday morning."

Confused, Blaine watched her slide off the couch and start riffling through the DVD cases on the shelf under the television. He couldn't recall Santana saying anything to Kurt during their subway ride. In fact, Santana had fallen asleep between them by the third stop. They'd had to practically carry her off the car when they'd finally arrived in Bushwick.

"What'd you say to him?" Blaine asked curiously as she picked out Rent and popped it into the player.

She shrugged disinterestedly as she snuggled up under the blankets again, inching closer to him and dropping her head on his shoulder.

"Doesn't matter," she said. "What's important is that you give me all the details on these schools around here with music programs."

Still suspicious about Santana's remark, Blaine eyed her for a moment and decided it didn't matter. He and Kurt were close friends again, and maybe someday they'd be even more; not in the same carefree, innocent, and slightly naive way they had been, but still in love. For now he was content with what he had, and finally, he thought, he was accepting what he'd done.

"All right, so there's Julliard and NYADA, of course, and then NYU has… "

They sat and talked for nearly three hours, first discussing schools, programs, and degrees they could pursue and were interested in. Even after the credits had finished rolling, they were still talking, shifting through discussions of the city and then on to Brittany and Sam, how Santana was happy if Brittany was and wasn't going to murder Blaine by association, and then back around to his Julliard audition the next morning. He'd been practicing for weeks now, picking a song he'd already used for an audition his junior year for this portion of his vocal audition. There was another audition he had for piano, but he'd been less worried about that one. His mother had taught him how to play when he was a toddler, sitting him in her lap while she ran through exercises with Cooper.

"So NYADA's applications are due in February?" Santana asked, pulling out her phone to make a note of all the dates.

"Yeah," Blaine said, nodding. "The fifteenth; it's a Friday. Then auditions are in March or April, I think. I'm sure if you got all of your information together you'd get an audition. It's too late for Julliard, though."

"I don't play any instruments anyway," Santana shrugged and set her phone down on the arm of the couch. "I think I'm going to go get some Chinese. You want anything?"

"No, I'm just going to have leftover pizza," Blaine decided, glancing at the clock and then the door. "Kurt should be back soon."

"Oh, so you're actually going to have cock for dinner," Santana remarked, giving him a saucy wink.

"I– we're _friends_," Blaine insisted, "even if we both know that we– if we get back together– we're– "

"All right, all right, but the apartment is yours for a bit, so if he comes back… "

She trailed away suggestively before hopping up and heading into her room to grab her winter gear.

It ended up being a quiet hour alone for Blaine. He showered, changed into his pajamas, and then heated up some pizza, hoping that the door opening would mean Kurt, but the first to reappear was Rachel. Then Santana returned, and finally, hours later, Kurt appeared, looking exhausted and grumpy.

"Ugh, that was the _worst_," he complained, slinging his bag onto the couch and falling face first into the cushions. "Chase was out sick Friday and his spread didn't get finished, so I spent the last four hours on the phone with him, getting everything together for the deadline tonight."

Rachel grimaced and offered him a slice of pizza.

"Thanks," Kurt muttered, taking it and unceremoniously stuffing half of it into his mouth.

Blaine sat down on the floor in front of the couch, brushing Kurt's bangs back and rubbing his neck and scalp. He knew how tense those areas got for Kurt when he was at a desk for long periods of time. Kurt groaned in relief as Blaine's hands began working on the knot in his neck.

"Come on," Santana muttered to Rachel, dragging her to her feet. "Let's go before he starts massaging the inside of Kurt's throat."

"But how would– _oh!_"

Blaine closed his eyes and paused in his massaging, hanging his head as Kurt groaned in disbelief.

"God, no wonder she's always having sex when I get home," Kurt muttered in annoyance. "She doesn't think about anything else."

"Well, you've got to admit, we were very… active last year. Especially over the summer."

Without actually seeing Kurt's face, Blaine knew he was smiling into the couch cushions.

"That's very true," Kurt mumbled, his voice muffled. "We gave her a lot to talk about last year."

"Yeah," Blaine swallowed loudly, heat surging through him and making his belly jolt. It had been so long since he'd had that contact with Kurt, and even longer since they'd had a conversation that hinted at sex without it being tainted by infidelity. "We definitely did."

"So are you going to work that knot out or not?"

"Wh– oh, yeah, sure," Blaine said, slipping his hands back around Kurt's neck and trying his best to tune out of what he was doing. It was so simple to imagine his hands around another thick part of Kurt's anatomy.

The massage didn't last long. Kurt hopped up from the couch rather quickly, saying he needed to shower and get his clothes ready for the next day. Blaine let him go, trying his best to curb the lust running rampant through him. It wouldn't do to have those thoughts and wants right now, not when he and Kurt were still slotting back together and figuring out where they were with each other. He couldn't act on those urges no matter how long it had been or how much he craved it. Until Kurt invited him in, that was off limits.

* * *

Blaine was sleeping peacefully when Kurt finally finished with his shower and skincare. He wondered if Blaine had taken notice of his long shower and how much he'd avoided him since those few brief moments of contact when he'd first gotten home.

There had been something inescapable about Blaine's touch then, already charged by the dreams plaguing Kurt and the lust almost constantly churning in his veins. He'd started to get himself off once he'd hopped in the shower, achingly hard with distant memories of Blaine's lips closing over him, but then realized Santana was no doubt listening at the door, and he really hadn't mastered being extremely quiet in an apartment with no walled off rooms. Instead, he turned the water on cold and let it wash the heat from his body until he was shivering and clean, but still wishing Blaine's mouth was covering every inch of him.

Frustrated, Kurt hung his damp towel on the hook in his room and carefully climbed into bed, trying his best not to disturb Blaine's slumber. He hated how part of him just wanted to roll over on top of Blaine and begin undressing him, while the other half insisted on halting until he _knew_ what had been done. Because as much as he fantasized in his dreams and wanted Blaine pressed against him again, he couldn't wrap his mind around it fully until he understood the physical taint he still imagined.

Even now, Kurt wondered where this _Eli_ had touched his Blaine, if Blaine had enjoyed it the way he always did with Kurt, and if, when, Kurt finally touched him again because he already knew it was inevitable, he'd be able to feel some tangible difference in Blaine's skin and the reactions of his body under or above Kurt's. More than that, Kurt wondered if that mental block would be the one that made it impossible for him to ever be with Blaine in that way again. Logically he realized there should be no actual difference, but mentally he couldn't help but think his imagination would take over and visualize another man's hands prying his away. A hand that was more skilled and capable of making Blaine moan than his were.

Exhausted and still tingling with lust, Kurt rolled away from Blaine's warmth, trying to ignore the way the heat was drenching the mattress and blanket around him. He stared at the little strip of the city he could see through his slightly open curtains and let his mind drift to more certain things, like the reading he had to finish for his classes, the next big project at the office, and how perfect Blaine's lips would feel against his skin…

_"Kurt?"_

_Hips rolling purposefully, Kurt smiled against Blaine's cheek, because he knew that smell could belong to nobody else, and hummed happily. Blaine gasped beside him as Kurt's thighs captured Blaine's left one between his and pressed himself closer. A deep groan of longing erupted for Kurt's mouth as his hips jerked forward, thrusting his aching erection against the friction Blaine's leg provided._

_"Kurt, I– "_

_"Shh," Kurt murmured, eyes still closed as he rubbed his right hand over Blaine's chest, holding him close against him as Blaine shivered. "We have to be quiet or Santana and Rachel– "_

_He broke off with another groan, louder and longer this time, his breathing sharp and almost painful with excitement and desperation. Blaine had shifted under him, his thigh unintentionally pressing against Kurt's cock._

_"But– "_

"Shh, Blaine."

"Kurt, you're– we're– "

It took Kurt several seconds to realize his eyes weren't open, that the dream he'd been having had taken a physical reality in his bed. Still breathing heavily, stomach drawn tight with lust, Kurt opened his eyes, finding Blaine half under him and his hips still rolling lazily against Blaine's thigh. Blaine rubbed his eyes, still half-asleep and ruffled from the unexpected situation. For a moment longer, Kurt stared down at him, the soft curls, the dark eyes, and the full, slightly parted pink lips. He didn't have to use his imagination to know how those would feel against his, the way he'd invitingly part his own and Blaine's tongue would sweep under his, curling slightly until Kurt was whining and rutting frantically.

"We, um, do– should I go sleep on the c– "

Blaine never had a chance to finish his suggestion, because Kurt surged forward, knocking their jaws and lips together. As the warm press of Blaine's lips settled against his, Kurt whimpered, pressing himself forward urgently, desperately to feel any part of Blaine against him that he could. Against his own thigh, Kurt could feel Blaine beginning to grow hard and he trembled at the idea of feeling Blaine like this again, of experiencing the closeness and intimate connection he'd thought he'd lost forever.

His stomach ached as Blaine's mouth opened against his, the other man's breath already fast and shaky. He'd never felt so hungry, like he'd been subjected to starvation but hadn't understood the signs of necessity his body was craving until he had the source back.

Recklessly, longing, Kurt dived in, plunging his tongue past Blaine's lips roughly. It was sloppy and heavy, nothing like the sweeter embraces he'd been imagining, but more like the silly, playful encounters that had occurred after long bouts of abstinence when homes had been occupied and there'd been nowhere quiet to be alone.

Blaine groaned low in his throat, pressing his head back into the pillows as Kurt rolled on top of him completely and grabbed Blaine's hips, brushing his fingers under the silky pajama top as they caught their breath.

"I've missed this," Kurt panted, pressing down for another hot, open-mouthed kiss. His hips rolled hard and he bit his lip at the tension filling his belly. It'd been far too long since he'd been intimate with someone, far too long since his body had had a truly pleasurable release and the touch of Blaine's hands melting into his skin.

Two clammy, firm hands dragged him back down into the blankets, chest to chest with Blaine and into the cocoon of heat waiting there. As their mouths met again, Kurt felt like he was burning. Everything was overheated and crisp, waiting to pull him into the inferno where they'd never yet met before. Blaine was down below, waiting on his own plane of existence now, strong, sure, and true and more ready than Kurt could fathom. It was new and thrilling in a way Kurt didn't entirely understand yet; it made him feel older somehow.

They kissed fiercely for several minutes, hips jerking and arching against each other's thighs. There were groans and grunts and half-asleep noises of muffled pleasure from both of them. Kurt let his hands drift, caressing the soft silk of Blaine's pajamas and then dipping under for a warm brush over his skin. His fingers were just getting ready to slide under the waistband of Blaine's pants when Blaine's mouth broke away from his, head tilting back and away.

"Stop."

Kurt's brain barely processed the command, but his hips understood, pausing mid-thrust as the sharp inhales and ragged breathing from Blaine slowly registered. He was choked up and trembling, his body growing tenser as Kurt's hands shifted over him.

"Blaine, wh– "

"We can't do this," Blaine whispered miserably even as Kurt leaned down to capture his lips again. "Kurt, please, _don't._If you kiss me again, I won't be able to say no and– please, _please_, don't ask me to make this mistake again."

As the words tumbled out of Blaine's mouth, Kurt pulled back, panting and achingly hard, but confused as he tried to understand everything happening. But as he looked down and met Blaine's eyes, he knew he'd never forget this moment, or more importantly, the heartbroken look on Blaine's face. It took him seconds after that to understand that the mistake Blaine was relating their current situation to had been Blaine's last sexual encounter – one that hadn't involved Kurt– and that was enough for Kurt to push himself up and drop down onto his side next to Blaine.

"I– fuck, I'm sorry– but– we'd regret this in the morning, I _know_ it, and– "

"No, you're right," Kurt agreed, voice hoarse and tight. "We– my dream was just– I'm sorry."

They were both silent for several minutes, letting their breathing slow and their minds catch up to what had just occurred. Kurt had known it was inevitable for them to have slips like this before they were ready, if they ever were ready or still decided to reconnect as deeply as they always had, but he still felt foolish for it. Blaine obviously knew that and didn't seem ready either, and Kurt still didn't know anything about what continued to keep him up at night. Somehow that hadn't stopped him in his lustful state just now, but he blamed that on his dream tipping over into reality. It had been only too easy to let the fantasy became fully realized and tangible in his arms.

"What happened with him?"

The question burst out of Kurt's mouth before he could think it through. Immediately he wished he hadn't, despite wanting to know the answer. Somehow this didn't feel like the time or the place for it, especially not after what had just occurred, but maybe that's what made it right. He'd loved the sensations he'd just been thrilled by, even if they'd been cut short. An indescribable and exhilarating spark that always electrified Kurt when Blaine was with him had still been present. What they'd always had together was still there, and while their relationship had changed in a number of ways, that perfect, homely sense of always being welcomed was still there. Now he had to know if the taint could be scrubbed away along with all the other negative feelings they'd let out.

"What do you want to know?" Blaine asked finally.

Kurt was a little taken aback by the steadiness of Blaine's voice, the calmness he hadn't expected his question to be answered with. He remembered the boy from October, even up through Christmas, who had been a wreck, over-saturated with guilt and unable to stand himself and the actions he'd done. Santana had been so far beyond right on the train platform. Blaine was different, more mature than Kurt had realized was necessary for Blaine to grow. He'd always thought of Blaine as mature and stable, but maybe that had been a projection from how he'd seen Blaine when they'd first met. The strong, charming, dapper little gentleman who had clasped his hand and tugged him into a bright, new spotlight.

"I– what exactly happened. W- where he touched you and– I just need to know, for my own sanity, so I don't keep imagining all the possibilities anymore," Kurt admitted quietly, shifting next to Blaine as he propped himself up on his elbow.

He watched Blaine's eyes shift towards him briefly, caught the way Blaine swallowed and clenched his jaw as his eyes became distant.

"It was that day you called me from work," Blaine started, staring resolutely at the ceiling. His voice was flat, emotionless, as though detaching such things from his speak could remove it from his heart while he explained everything.

"T- the day you said I hung up while you were telling me that you loved me?" Kurt asked weakly. He bit his lip as Blaine nodded once, and dropped his gaze down to Blaine's chest, taking in the soothing rise and fall of it and eventually pressing his hand against the soft pajama top as Blaine started speaking once more.

"I kept trying to call you after that, but you were at work and busy. I thought that was it, that we were going downhill and you didn't have a place for me in your life anymore," Blaine said truthfully. He sighed heavily, eyes still fixed on the ceiling. "Then I had a notification from Facebook. A friend request– "

"Was it him?"

"Yeah, it was. I accepted because he was local and went to Westerville where I went before Dalton. And he was online and posting a lot of things, so… I poked him." Blaine shrugged against the mattress, still not meeting Kurt's eyes, but his voice was changing, steadily gaining emotion as it cracked slightly on the last word. "I didn't think he'd notice, or even acknowledge it. I just wanted someone to talk to who would talk back and not brush me off or hang up or want Glee club advice or whatever… "

"And he did," Kurt deduced miserably, part of him feeling guilty for isolating Blaine in that way, but he knew the ultimate decision had rested with Blaine.

"He messaged me asking if I wanted to come over, so I went," Blaine said softly. "I knew what he wanted and what he was implying and I _went_ because I thought we were fading and that you didn't care about me and it was selfish and stupid and– "

Blaine broke off, shaking his head and bringing his heads up to rub his face. He dug the heels of his palms into his eyes and took a shaky breath. Kurt could scarcely imagine the real, vivid images assaulting Blaine in that moment. A flash of a Facebook app screen perhaps, a little flirtatious invitation, and then the opening of a door somewhere unknown and blank to Kurt's eyes but no doubt burned into Blaine's memory forever.

"As soon as we were in his room, he was just… all over me," Blaine mumbled, hands still pressed against his eyes. "He, god, I didn't even know if I was enjoying it and I think that's part of why I kept going. It always felt incredible and perfect with you, but if we weren't meant to be, then shouldn't it feel that way with someone else?"

Kurt said nothing, not knowing the answer to Blaine's question and not wanting to ever find out for himself. He couldn't fathom doing something so intimate with another person if he wasn't in love with them. To him, sex was an expression of that, regardless of the tone each encounter had; it had to mean something because of who it was with.

"W- we ended up on his bed, and he was groaning and saying all these things and taking my clothes off, and I– " Blaine choked up then, voice tumbling down into a hoarse crack as he rubbed at his eyes furiously. "I just wanted it to be you. I wanted it to feel safe and warm and like home and even when I tried to pretend, it wasn't. It didn't make me feel better it just made it all worse, and I couldn't even look at him when he was – once he was inside me because that just made it too real."

Eyes closed, Kurt breathed shakily, the real image of what had happened finally taking root in his head. Blaine, face down on a rumpled, unfamiliar bed, while a faceless man pounded down into him.

"He fucked you?" Kurt asked flatly.

"Yes," Blaine answered, voice trembling with his tears.

"Did you enjoy it?"

"I've never hated myself more in my life. I felt like I was going to throw up– I _did_ throw up as soon as I ran out," Blaine told him. "I don't even remember if I came or not… " Blaine added with a self-deprecating laugh. "It was– I wasn't even there for an hour. He got off, went to clean up, and I just laid there, face down on the bed, trying not to be sick. I got dressed and left. I've never left so disgusting or worthless or _cheap_ in my entire life."

Kurt had a harsh, almost ruthless impulse to say "Good" in response and nothing more, but he could see how rattled Blaine was by talking through that day out loud. He was still hurting because of his own mistake and, somehow, that made it easier for Kurt to accept the truth he'd just been told. It still hurt to hear, still made his chest feel like there was a tiny creature inside, clawing and scratching at his ribs and lungs, but he knew what had happened. Now he could think of Blaine's infidelity and have a clear, accurate image of it in his head. He had something tangible to connect it with, and he hoped in the long run that it would make moving past it easier because there was something to let go of.

Perhaps finally talking Kurt through that day would help both of them forgive it and move forward with their lives, even if their lives deviated away from each other.

"Thank you," Kurt finally said, dropping his head onto Blaine's shoulder and still resting his hand on Blaine's chest. He started to rub slow circles as Blaine hiccupped and wiped away more tears.

"W- what? Why are you thanking me for _that_?" Blaine asked weakly. His head turned to look over at Kurt, who quirked his lips up into a tiny, sad smile.

"Thank you for waiting until I asked, until I was ready to face the idea completely instead of demanding that I hear everything because _you_needed to get it all off your chest," Kurt explained quietly.

"Oh," Blaine said quietly as Kurt relaxed against his side.

They were both silent for a while, just holding each other and thinking over everything Blaine had just confessed to. Somehow Kurt felt heavier, but not in the way he'd imagined he would feel after having those facts dumped on him. He felt more grounded, better aware of the complications in their relationship, both in the past and at that moment, and the weight of the truth seemed to have settled him there.

"Sadie Hawkins really did you good this time, huh?"

Blaine opened his mouth to answer, but–

"Your cock up his ass would do him one better!" Santana hollered from across the apartment. "I can't _believe_ you two could sound that hot and then just _stop_. God, what is _wrong_ with you?"

"Santana, shut up! I can hear you through my earplugs!" Rachel bellowed. There was the heavy _whump _of a pillow hitting something solid and then a merry cackle from Santana.

"So would you hate me forever if I lived in a dorm next year?" Blaine asked teasingly. "Because I don't think we'd all survive in one apartment together."

"I'll be surprised if the three of us make it until then," Kurt replied, burying his face against Blaine's shoulder and smiled as the two women continued to bicker. "Goodnight, Blaine."

* * *

Kurt was woken up the next morning by the flutter of his blankets and the dip of the mattress. He rolled with the tilt, suddenly finding himself face down against a cold pillow instead of Blaine's firm, warm shoulder. Squinting in the hazy, pale light Kurt watched Blaine stand up and stretching, yawning softly as he shivered against the cold.

He briefly wondered why he hadn't heard his alarm clock, but then watched as Blaine did something with his phone. Blaine must have set an alarm on there, or already been awake and waiting until it was time for him to get up for his audition. It was probably the latter, Kurt decided, since he knew Blaine had to be nervous as hell. His own NYADA audition had kept him up late several nights in a row until that fateful day.

"What time is it?" Kurt grumbled, yawning sleepily and burrowing deeper into the covers.

Blaine jumped at his voice and spun around. "Almost seven. I don't have to be there until ten, but… "

"You're nervous, it's okay," Kurt assured him quietly, patting the bed and encouraging him to lie back down beside him. "I was, too, remember? But you're going to be as fabulous as I was."

Blaine smiled, and settled down beside Kurt again. He dropped his head down on the edge of Kurt's pillow and gazed at him, reaching up to brush a floppy strand of hair off of Kurt's forehead.

"Somehow I don't think I can pull off gold pants the same way you can," Blaine teased gently, his voice warm and thick with sleep. The vibrations from it settled in Kurt's skin, soothing the little bursts of worry he had for Blaine.

"Well, not everyone can fill them out with this perfect ass either, but I think you could manage fairly well," Kurt retorted playfully.

Blaine laughed at that, eyes crinkling up and smiling stretching wide.

The first bright ray of sunlight trickled in through the part in the curtains and brightened Blaine's eyes. Everything struck Kurt hard in that moment, like Finn had taken a reckless swing with his old baseball bat and clobbered Kurt in the head. Someday, or maybe every day after June, he and Blaine could share early morning moments like this. There would be no interruptions and just each other for warmth. They could talk softly about everything and nothing, share their hearts and the dreams they were achieving and working towards. Perhaps they'd even do the same one day farther in the future, when they were married and waiting for their baby to wake up.

When Kurt drifted out of the fantasy, he was met with Blaine's steady gaze, and the curious new maturity that had suddenly surrounded Blaine. He watched it settle as a soft curve on the bottom edge of Blaine's irises. A strong cushion for the bright love that still glowed there and something dependable and welcoming that made Kurt's heart beat faster. A lump formed in his throat as he took it in. There was such a difference in the man beside him now, and even though he'd detected the beginnings of it at Christmas, it was remarkably plain to him now.

Blaine was no longer the confident, charming boy he'd first fallen for. He wasn't the hidden insecurities Kurt had cherished and loved even more deeply. The other man was neither of those boys now. There were undoubtedly still pieces of him, but Blaine was someone else now. Wiser, stronger, more steady and sure, but somehow entirely elusive to Kurt; it made him want to know more, to explore the depths of this new attraction in Blaine, and–

He gulped audibly, knowing Blaine had heard it, and barely caring that he might be giving himself away. Kurt had made a conscious effort to let go not too long ago. He'd done it for himself and so that Blaine could be free to find happiness within himself. At the time, he'd thought it had meant letting go of being in love with Blaine, had meant releasing that joy from his life, but now he understood what he'd really done.

The boy he'd first fallen for had been set free in order to become an older, stronger man and now…

Now Kurt was entirely too aware of how deeply he was already falling in love with the man Blaine was becoming.


	11. February, Part 1

A/N: Few hours later than I planned, but here is the first half of February! Think you guys are going to enjoy this month quite a bit. Oh, and that Christmas letter and gift that Kurt still hasn't opened? That's coming back in the next part. Trololol

So enjoy the update, and I'll probably get the second half up Tuesday or Wednesday. I'm halfway through writing April, so I've got three POVs left. Weird to think about, but then I'll have all my WIPs completed, so yay!

Second Fall

February, Part 1

The end of January went out in a similar fashion to how it had started. Blaine was welcomed back from New York and his successful first audition by a huge surprise party from the New Directions. Marley and Tina had sat him down while everyone else was dancing and bombarded him with questions about the audition, his song selections, and then the ever popular topic of his status with Kurt. Blaine had done his best to shrug those questions off, not entirely knowing the right answer for them himself.

Something had undoubtedly shifted in their dynamic with this last weekend together, and as February blew in with a raging snowstorm that blanketed Lima in almost two feet of powder, Blaine ended up having a lot of time to mull over their relationship while the storm took almost two days to wear itself out.

On the third day, Sam trekked over through the snow, dragging two sleds behind himself as soon as daylight broke. Blaine was grumpy and groggy as Sam lugged him out of bed and into winter gear, then out of the house and down the block to the park. But by the time they reached the front gates, Blaine was through the cup of coffee he'd had forced on him, and much more chipper.

"Come on, dude! This is going to be so much fun!" Sam beamed at him, yanking him towards the silent hill in the distance.

"I– Sam, ouch!– I haven't been sledding since I was five and Cooper pushed me before I'd sat down," Blaine grumbled, crunching through the deep snow in Sam's wake. "That's how I ended up with a broken nose and arm for my kindergarten class picture."

Sam laughed loudly, his sled bumping and sliding behind him. "Is that how that happened? I'd always wondered since that picture's on the mantel."

"Yeah, well, if I'd been able to choose my brother like I can choose my friends... "

Rolling his eyes, Sam flung his sled around, the thick plastic making a terrible racket as he lined it up for his first run.

"Oh, please, you love that guy," Sam chided, placing a daring foot on the sled and testing his balance. "Race ya to the bottom!"

And with that he took off, pretending his sled was a snowboard and coasting down the hill. Blaine watched him for a few seconds, grinning when Sam toppled over and rolled the rest of the way to the bottom. It felt amazing to have a friend to experience simple moments like this with. Until now he'd never really had someone, besides Kurt, too depend on in such a way.

Blaine lined his own sled up and belly flopped onto it, zooming down the hill until he crashed into Sam's legs, knocking the taller boy onto his butt once again.

They spent the rest of the morning on the hill, sledding and building jumps to fly off, and then ending their adventure with a snowman when the little kids began to show up to enjoy an unexpected day off from school. After taking a break and watching the kids for a bit, they headed back to Blaine's house to warm up by the fire and sip as much hot chocolate as his mother would allow. It turned out that she'd actually allow them quite a lot.

"You boys are going to make yourself sick if you drink anymore," his mother complained, but she still handed Blaine his fifth cup of cocoa and plopped a dozen marshmallows into Sam's full cup.

"We'll be fine, Mama," Blaine murmured, holding the mug up to his face and letting the steam wash over his rosy cheeks.

She pressed a kiss to his forehead, gave Sam a grateful smile that Blaine knew meant she was glad her son had such a good friend, and returned to the kitchen. From the office around the corner, Blaine listened to the rumble of his father's voice. He'd decided to work from home today instead of fighting through the piles of snow to his office in Columbus.

For a while, Sam and Blaine sat silently by the fire, letting their fingers grow limber and their stomachs fill with hot chocolate. It was only when Blaine found his mind drifting to New York, Kurt, and everything that had transpired that he spoke.

"Kurt asked about what happened with Eli," he said quietly as a log in the fireplace popped and broke apart.

Sam swallowed another sip and stared at the fire for several moments.

"He did? What'd you tell him?"

"E- everything," Blaine confessed. "He wanted to know details, so I… I told him. He took it pretty well, all things considered and… I don't know. Something feels different now. _I _feel different."

"Well, you _are _different," Sam told him, looking bewildered that Blaine didn't already realize that. "I mean, look at Sadie Hawkins. The guy I knew back in September never could have done that. You've changed a lot since then."

Blaine said nothing for a while, but mulled over Sam's words, pondering them and thinking back to everything he'd been through since that fateful day. It was difficult to see it now, at least for him, but he thought he understood it. He'd started down a solo journey, first to forgive himself and then to figure himself out. It felt like it had only been minutes ago that he'd made the decision, and yet, here it was, a few days into February and the idea of running, something he'd always associated with himself and his past, wasn't the slightest bit appealing.

He'd run from his old tormentors and abusers. Now Blaine had faced a revival of the setting and overcome it.

He'd acknowledged his own dependency issues, his isolation, and worse of all his cheating, and maybe…

Maybe he was finally realizing that he could forgive himself for that, too.

"I think I've forgiven myself for it," Blaine decided, setting his mug down on the coffee table and rubbing his hands together to spread the warmth. "For being scared about Sadie Hawkins and… I think I'm almost there with cheating. I don't know; it doesn't feel right until Kurt forgives me for that. He's the one that was hurt the most by it. It doesn't seem right or fair that I can forgive it until he can, too."

"He'll get there, if he's not already," Sam encouraged. "I can't imagine it's an easy thing to come to terms with from either side of it."

"No, it's definitely not," Blaine agreed.

Sam hopped up to go to the bathroom and Blaine sunk back into the couch, still thinking and trying to decide if it was true, if he had finally reached that point within himself where he felt balanced and happy again. It certainly seemed like it, because his insecurities were now a part of himself he welcomed, knew, and kept an eye on. He'd worked through them as he could for now and he'd forgiven himself for letting them rule over his actions in October.

Blaine wasn't that boy anymore, and even if he moved forward without Kurt's love, he thought he might just be okay with that.

* * *

Kurt didn't know why he'd agreed to go to _Callbacks_ on a Wednesday night. For the first hour, Rachel had hogged the microphone, been joined by Brody and then Santana, and was now off dancing with her boyfriend while Santana was grinding with some woman Kurt had never meant.

It was strange for him, sitting there by himself with no Isaac or Blaine as company. Isaac had a huge exam in the morning and was spending his night studying and Blaine had returned to Lima after his fantastic audition.

He missed Blaine. A lot.

It was a strange ache that filled his chest, not full and heavy, but empty, like when Blaine had boarded his train, there'd been an invisible string tethered to a piece of Kurt's heart and it had been tugged out of his chest and back to Lima. It was the weirdest he'd ever felt, and combining it with the confusion he still felt from their… make out, he didn't know what to think anymore.

Kurt had made the effort to let go of Blaine, for better or worse, and yet somehow he'd found that he was only more in love, pushed deeper in that cozy embrace and in no mood to ever uncurl himself and move away. It would be impossible not to feel something for Blaine after everything they'd shared, but Kurt hadn't expected it to be so overpowering, even more so than before he'd left Lima.

"Mmm, Porcelain, you should totally shake that _thang_ on the dance floor," Santana suddenly shouted in his ear, flopping down on the seat beside him. Her dance partner had disappeared, but Kurt didn't ask. He'd rather not remind her and end up in an apartment with two couples having sex until dawn. Not unless one of those couples was himself and–

No. It was too soon to think like that.

Wasn't it?

"I think I'll pass," Kurt sniffed, taking another sip of his soda and watching her spin around on her bar stool. She was a very entertaining drunk, much like Blaine usually was. He berated himself for the thought, frustrated that everything reminded him of Blaine, even when there was absolutely no relation between the two.

However, the thought made his face heat up, and he busied himself with another swig of soda. Part of the reason he'd agreed to come out tonight was for the expressed purpose of not thinking about Blaine and their relationship for hours on end. He wasn't doing a very good job at it so far. If anything seeing all the dancing and kissing couples only made his heart yearn even more for that familiar, safe embrace.

"Oh, come on," Santana encouraged, grinning at him. "If you won't fuck your Hobbit, then at _least_ get some from one of these guys– "

"Santana, I'm not– "

"If you decide to take volunteers for that, count me in," a voice said from the bar stool on the other side of Kurt.

He spun around as Santana giggled, and his heart fluttered a little. There was a tall man seated beside him, quite handsome and definitely older. Even at a glance, Kurt had to admit he was attracted to him and that easy, toothy grin.

"Come on, let's dance and get to know each other," the man offered, standing up and extending his hand.

"I'm taken and very much in love."

The words were out of Kurt's mouth before he understood that he was speaking. It was such a simple sentence, no thought needed to form it. They were words he'd had floating around in his brain for almost two weeks as he figured out where everything was settling in his life and if he could ever try again with Blaine. It was only now, with an offer so clearly presented, that Kurt remembered how to piece them together, morpheme by morpheme, until they made more sense than anything else ever had in his life.

"Ah, well, if that ever changes… " The man trailed off with a charming smile and sauntered away towards another man across the bar.

Santana whistled behind Kurt, her heel clacking against the bar stool. He grimaced, realizing what he'd just unwittingly admitted to in front of her, and drunk or not, she'd remember this. There were some things that Santana could never forget.

"Taken, huh? 'Cause that Sunday night was a pretty poor example of it," she inquired, looking much more sober all of a sudden.

Something about the sobriety change made Kurt suspicious, and while he didn't bother to call her out on it, he had no doubts she'd set up what had just happened.

"So? I'm allowed to say whatever I w– "

"Whatever you feel," she corrected before he'd finished and, yes, she'd definitely been faking drunk. "You're in love with Blaine all over again. I saw it that weekend and the day of his audition, something had changed but now… "

"It's not– Santana, it's still too soon," Kurt began to argue, still unsure and confused. It was scary to think he was ready for such a thing again, especially if Blaine might not be or didn't love him in that way anymore. That would be even more humiliating than the first time he'd admitted his feelings to Blaine three years ago.

"Really? Because your heart is saying yes," Santana countered, " and I guarantee his is, too." She paused, watching him closely and then– "Have you forgiven him?"

"I– " But Kurt stopped the negative response before his tongue could curl around the first syllable.

It struck him like a physical blow, more potent and jarring than the last one had the morning of Blaine's audition. He could forgive the hurt now, the infidelity. Perhaps part, or even most, of him already had. It barely made sense in his mind, but as soon as she'd spoken, the thoughts had merged, taking shape in his mind like his words to that man had.

His chest no longer ached at the reminder; it burned slightly, but it wasn't in an unpleasant way, like a soft, warm tickling still deciding if it would flicker out or linger a little while longer.

"I have," he said simply as the thump of the bass died down and a soft song started up. "I didn't even realize it and– "

"Sometimes it's hard to see something already in your heart," Santana said, shrugging a little and standing up. She hugged his neck and mused up his hair. "Now you just have to tell him."

And he knew she was right, that it was imperative to tell Blaine all of these new discoveries he was having about himself and where he was, but he didn't know how to without the other man right in front of him.

* * *

Blaine heard from Julliard to set up his second audition the next day. It was a complicated moment, trying to schedule around his studies, Glee, and his duties as Senior Class President, but eventually he settled on the thirteenth, a day before Valentine's Day. Kurt and Rachel had already assured him that he'd be welcomed back whenever he had to return, but he hoped Kurt wouldn't think he had an ulterior motive for making his audition late afternoon the day before Valentine's Day, meaning he'd end up spending that night there.

During lunch, he sent Kurt a quick text message telling him he'd been called back for a second audition and that, if he was able, they should Skype tonight and discuss the details for his arrival. Kurt replied a few hours later, right as Blaine was heading to the choir room for Glee Club. It was a long afternoon after that. They rehearsed with Finn for over three hours, and then Blaine joined Sam in the weight room as he'd promised earlier that morning.

By the time Blaine arrived back at home, it was close to eight and his parents were in the living room, television turned on, but humming softly compared to how loud it usually was.

"Blaine? Is that you, sweetheart?"

"Yeah, Mama, I stayed after to box with Sam!" Blaine hollered in reply. He took a few minutes to brush the snow off himself and strip out of his heavy overcoat, boots, scarf, and gloves. His parents were behind him when he was done, looking attentive and pleased.

"There's leftovers in the oven for you," his mother prattled, straightening his jacket's hood and brushing his sweaty hair back.

"And a cake," his father added, grinning a little. "I hear someone got a call back for Julliard _and_– " he picked something up off of the table next to the closet. It was several envelopes and Blaine could easily guess where they were from. "– these came in the mail today, too. Thought you might be interested in seeing what NYADA and Berklee said about that voice of yours."

"The fingers, too," his mother continued, taking the envelopes from her husband and waving him towards the kitchen. "I'm sure they were all quite impressed with the piano pieces you sent in."

Blaine smiled happily, letting his parents lead him into the kitchen where a large chocolate-frosted cake and a plate of lasagna were waiting. He went through the new letters as he ate and talked with his parents, quite thrilled to find out that he'd been accepted for auditions at NYADA and Berklee. It took him most of the celebratory cake eating to decide about Berklee, but he knew where his heart was, and that he undoubtedly belonged with it.

"I'm going to turn down Berklee," he decided, folding the papers back up and tucking them into their envelope. "New York is the only place for me."

"But, dear, are you– "

"I'm sure. More sure than I am about a lot of other things right now," Blaine admitted, perusing his NYADA letter once more to see when his audition would fall.

His parents exchanged a look that nearly went unnoticed by Blaine, but he caught the tail end of it as he set the letter back down at the island. "What?" he asked, noting their proud smiles and his mother's tearful eyes.

"We're just glad you have so many good things in your life, son," his father finally said, reaching over and grasping Blaine's shoulder. "You've got one hell of a friend in that Sam kid, so many options open for your future, and… Kurt waiting for you in New York," he paused, clearly waiting for Blaine to speak up, to contradict his assumption, but when Blaine said nothing they both beamed wider. "After everything you went through before Dalton, I just never thought we'd see this day. I'm so proud of you, Blaine."

His father surged forward suddenly, throwing his arms around his shoulders roughly and tugging him up out of his seat. Blaine was completely thrown by the uncharacteristic gesture, but as he slowly settled into his father's tight embrace, he caught sight of his mother over his father's shoulder, smiling through her tears and looking at peace in a way Blaine hadn't realized she'd needed to be.

"I love you, Dad," Blaine murmured, squeezing back and enjoy the feeling of his father's arms holding him tight. It was the first time he'd hugged him since December and unlike then, it had been sure and steady.

"So is your next Julliard audition in New York– "

His mother's voice was cut off by the ringing of Blaine's cell phone. He jumped slightly as it vibrated and rang in his pocket, separating himself from his father's embrace in order to retrieve it. Eyes still on his mother's face, he accepted the call without looking at the screen.

"Hello?"

"Since when do you sound confused when I call?" Kurt's voice demanded brightly, a little bubbly laugh following his joke.

A slow, relaxed smile spread across Blaine's face. "Hey, Kurt. I was distracted. My parents and I were going through some college letters… "

"Oh, my god! Did NYADA's arrive? Did you get an audition or– "

"I did," Blaine laughed, settling back down into his bar stool as his parents cleaned up the dishes still sitting on the counter. "It's in March, so I've got time to prepare something else, but– "

"You'll be amazing," Kurt said immediately, "and when you're here for your Julliard audition, Rachel and I can give you a ton of tips."

"I'd love that," Blaine replied gently. "It's next week, by the way. Wednesday at five."

"You've got something planned, I hope," Kurt said at once. "That's so soon, but I guess they want to see how you do on short notice, too."

"Yeah, I guess," Blaine said, relieved that Kurt hadn't mentioned the fact that his audition meant staying for Valentine's Day, or at least part of it. "I figure I'll take the train again, get there a few hours before my audition and leave the next day."

"Santana'll have to meet you at the station," Kurt informed him, sounding displeased. "I have classes in the morning and then work until five. But we can all meet up afterwards for dinner?"

"Definitely," Blaine agreed, glancing up to find both of his parents staring over at him, hands covered in suds and the dishes still sitting beside them on the counter. Embarrassed at the pair of them listening in, he opened his mouth to say goodnight or to suggest moving the conversation to Skype, but–

"I miss you, Blaine," Kurt murmured. "And it's not the aching miss that meant I wanted back everything we were before. It's more like I wish I had you here beside me and even in my arms… "

Blaine swallowed, heart hammering painfully against his ribs. The words were so unexpected considering what they'd just been talking about, but they pleased Blaine in a way he hadn't felt in a long time.

"I know," Blaine said, glancing over at his parents, who were still conspicuously watching him. He still dared to go on. "I miss falling asleep with you in my arms."

"So do I," Kurt agreed as Blaine watched the shock register on his mother's face. His father abruptly shut off the faucet and ushered her out of the room. "I– Blaine, I know this is going to sound crazy, but… I let you go," Kurt continued, and Blaine's brow wrinkled in confused, but before he could ask Kurt to clarify he plowed on. "In my heart. I thought it meant all of you and being in love, but as it turns out… I– I'm still falling in love with you. Like, I thought I saw the bottom of the chute and then it curved away and there's still miles to go before it ever stops."

"Kurt– "

"I know I sound ridiculous, but I just had to say it– "

"I've always been in love with you," Blaine cut in, listening to Kurt's sharp intake of breath. "At least I think so now. It was so gradual I never realized it until I was already so deeply in love and… "

The table in the hallway crashed to the floor behind him. Blaine jolted up out of his chair and Kurt gasped in surprise.

"What was that?"

Blaine groaned. "My parents. I– look, I should go, they're– " he paused and shook his head as his mother's head poked around the entrance from the hallway, bright red and humiliated from being caught eavesdropping. "I'll see you next Wednesday, okay? And we can… can talk more then?"

"Okay, I love you."

"I love you, too."

As Blaine hung up, his parents slowly entered the kitchen again, looking guilty and hopelessly curious. For once, his mother didn't even bother apologizing.

"Are you and Kurt back together? Why didn't you tell me– "

"We aren't," Blaine told her immediately, watching the huge grin on her face shrink. "Not yet, but… I think we're close to it."

His parents began cleaning up the mess they'd created in the hallway and Blaine mulled over this newest development between himself and Kurt. The only thing left was forgiveness, and Blaine had no doubt he'd know about that not long after Kurt found it in his heart. After all, the present he'd given Kurt to open when he was ready to forgive was certainly something that would warrant a phone call.


	12. February, Part 2

A/N: So here's the second half of February, which is basically just a continuation of the day we left off with and that's it for this month. Blaine's letter to Kurt is finally revealed in this one, so hopefully it's all you expected!

As for the rest of the story beyond there, there really isn't a lot left. There's going to be a single chapter for each month left (March, April, and May) split between Kurt and Blaine's POV and it's much shorter, less focused on the emotional trauma and hurdles and moreso on the physicality between them and finding their comfort within that again. I've already written March and April, and I'm hoping to get May hashed out before the episode tomorrow night.

Really not a whole lot left to go, so enjoy the update and I'll post March on... Saturday?

Second Fall

February, Part 2

The next week flew by for Kurt. His classes upped their workloads with several papers and designing assignments, work was full of three huge deadlines that kept him at the office late all weekend, and even when he came home, there was still the problem of sexual activity running rampant on the other side of the curtains.

Surprisingly, it was no longer Santana making the noises, who had actually agreed to the terms and respected his wishes, but now Rachel and Brody had decided to explore a new element in their relationship and Kurt was quite exasperated by it. He and Santana ended up sitting Rachel down and reminding her of their apartment sex rules, which had ended in quite a blow out and Rachel spending an increasingly large amount of her time holed up at Brody's dorm.

Neither of them really minded the change, not that they would tell Rachel, but by the time the thirteenth rolled around and Blaine was set to arrive, Kurt was quite thrilled with her absence. He had no real contact with Blaine throughout the day, just a short text message telling him that Santana had met him at the train station and that he'd see him tonight. Despite the huge spread he had to finish before five, Kurt was anxious and distracted for the last few hours of his shift. He could imagine Blaine preparing in the auditorium and practicing with Santana. More than anything, Kurt wished he could be there with Blaine, but a celebration afterwards was the best he could do.

It was a little after six when he arrived back at their dark apartment. Rachel wasn't there and Santana and Blaine hadn't arrived back yet. Disappointed, Kurt unpacked his work bag and went into his room to change into something comfortable. After he made himself a chicken salad, he returned to his room and settled down at his desk to watch a movie on his laptop. But as the first forkful of lettuce passed through his lips, Kurt's eyes caught on something he'd completely forgotten about.

The little Christmas present Blaine had given him two months ago. It was still shiny and wrapped, sitting on the built- in shelf at the top of his desk. Kurt eyed it for several minutes as the words that had accompanied it's arrival into his life came back to him.

_"I won't tell you what it is, but I want to make a promise on this, that someday if you find it in your heart to forgive me, you'll read this letter and open it."_

Kurt set down his bowl and stood up, watching the present like he expected a miniature Blaine to burst out of it and kiss him. He'd already planned on telling Blaine he was forgiven tonight, but he'd forgotten about this part. He glanced at the clock, wondering if he'd have time to read Blaine's letter and open it before they got back. What if whatever was inside made a difference? If it was something too painful for Kurt to take, it could change his mind about saying anything while Blaine was here.

Still eyeing the parcel warily, Kurt picked it up and slid the letter off the desk, too. He dropped down onto the foot of his bed, hands trembling as he stared at the loopy, scrawl his name was written it.

Blaine had written this for him months ago. It could contain just about anything, nasty, harsh words, regrets, confessions…

After taking a deep breath, Kurt slit the letter open and unfolded it.

* * *

_Dear Kurt,_

_I hope you're reading this before you unwrap the box, otherwise you'll probably think I've gone insane. Really, I just hope you find a strong enough part of your heart that can guide you towards forgiveness so you can free yourself from the terrible pain I've caused. If that leads you here, to this letter, then I hope you get from my words what you need to fully heal._

_First, none of this was fair to you – my dependency, my infidelity, and especially the handing over of this burden. You probably think it's strange to call a wrapped gift that, but it feels much more like that now than the romantic milestone I originally wanted it to be. This was meant to be a beautiful representation of everything we have and will share. It was meant to be a sign of the everlasting love that still clings in my heart for you. I bought this over the summer, not knowing when I'd give it to you, only that it was right and someday I would. It was a spur of the moment decision in a lot of ways, the purchase of a young boy madly in love for the first and, what he sincerely hoped would be, the last time. As soon as I saw it, I knew it was perfectly imperfect, the same way I picture you, and meant to be a part of you and us._

_Your father's snoring next to me right now – we're on the train to New York – and it's quite distracting, wondering what he would think of everything I'm writing. I don't know how he can sleep with all the racket the train is making, the loud screeching of the metal against the track and all. It's very jarring, but I hope the reason for the trip, and our destination with you, isn't. It's a surprise visit for Christmas and I hope it won't upset you. That's the last thing I ever want to do, though if you don't believe that after what's happened, then I honestly don't blame you._

_I don't blame you for any of this or anything that's gone wrong between us since October. All relationships have rough patches and struggles and I let that tear me down. It was my decision to seek comfort in another and I think I've finally, really, truly accepted that. I am still so sorry for hurting you, for causing all of this blinding, unexpected pain. You didn't deserve this, will never deserve to remember this as the end of your first love. My apologies will never be enough to make up for what I did to you – to us. _

_My heart was ready for so many things that the rest of me wasn't. You're the love of my life, but it's taken all of this for me to realize the same might not hold true for you. Maybe in some ways this was meant to happen, to guide you towards the man you'll grow old with. As much as my heart wants it to be true, I don't think that man is me anymore. I don't think I'm really a man at all yet. I've been selfish and childish in countless ways, and that's not what you need in your life right now. You've grown up and changed while I've stayed stationary, like an anchor cast off to the bottom of the sea, ebbing and flowing with the tide but never free._

_God, you're probably glaring at this letter if you're still reading it, wondering what the hell I bought and why I can't just get to the point. To be quite honest, I wasn't even sure when it would arrive, though it was never my intention to give it to you so soon after I bought it. It was something meant for a later date when the time felt natural and right. It's custom made, so I can't return it. Even if it was allowed, I don't think I ever could. However, you can do as you like with it. It's yours, meant to be a symbol of our future together and where we were headed. I guess it's just a reminder of what was lost now, what I ruined. You don't even have to open it since I know you've figured it out by now. You can sell it or trash it if you want. But I can't hold on to something meant for you. I know it's selfish and it's just something else I'll hurt you with, but I need to let this go. For me._

_Honestly, I don't even know what I would have said when I gave it to you. There's so many possibilities for that perfect moment; I might have written out a whole speech for it, carried it around in my pocket for weeks on end and finally just winged it, catching your hand across the table at our favorite little New York coffee shop, or perhaps during a snowy stroll through Central Park. I don't know. I might have dragged all the Warblers and Sam along and sang that Train song to you before I proposed. You know that song still, don't you? The one we always heard on the radio last year, that made us blush and stop singing, but hold hands tighter as we drove away from school each afternoon. And when we finally stopped a light or stop sign we'd catch each other's eyes and smile, because that was going to be us someday? No words were need or necessary to convey how we were everything to each other's hearts. I guess that's not a someday anymore, it's just the foggy end of another dream, cut short by an alarm clock._

_I want to marry you, Kurt, and still have every intention of it in my heart. Every day, every second, I want spent with you, watching you achieve and learn and grow into the wonderful, talented, successful, gorgeous man that you're already becoming. I want to watch you get frustrated with your co-workers, and Rachel, and me, and then to wake up in the middle of the night to a cold, empty bed, only to find you in the little nursery down the hall, asleep in the rocking chair with our little one curled up on your chest. Everything that I want in this life, I want to share and experience with you. That will always be a part of me, no matter how much time passes. You're everything right in my life and I wish more than anything that I could still offer it all to you. But I can't anymore. I damaged us, ruined all the promises we made. You deserve more than I can give to you, and you need someone who won't doubt your love. Not even for a second the way I did. I couldn't love you at a distance like you needed, and for that I lost the best person in my life. _

_I guess that day was a defining moment in my life, wasn't it? Like roads with two diverging paths that cross and keep moving, never meeting again. Only I was wrong and I was too young and naive to see the truth of what was in front of me – that without Dalton and without you, I still had myself and the strength in my heart to live each day for myself. I had no idea that the paths were actually one, that looped and twisted and turned, meeting back at all of these intersections, but always taking the same journey towards you. It was all part of growing up, and I failed to see it and see you as clearly as I always had. I took a wrong turn and tumbled off that path. It took me away from you and out into the wilderness. You couldn't be my Eden forever, and maybe it's better that I'm starting to define myself now, instead of settling for my self-definition to come from another._

_I am truly sorry for all of this, and I hope that in some way this helps you move forward with your life, with Isaac or another worthy man. This gift is yours, whatever you choose for it to be, and this ring is a token of my love and the good memories we have, even if it brings the bad along with it._

_You are the love of my life, Kurt, but I can accept it if I am no longer yours._

_All my love, forever and always,_

_Blaine_

* * *

The letter fluttered out of Kurt's limp grasp as he finished. Tears were streaming down his cheeks, unchecked and hardly noticed. With shaking hands, he picked up the little wrapped box on his lap, already knowing what was inside and knowing that his forgiveness was real; even if Blaine didn't know it right now, Kurt would someday accept this ring and everything it stood for. It would rest on his finger even after a wedding ring was bought and slipped on, because it was a symbol of so much more than their love now. It was a stark reminder of how much they had struggled these past months and that despite all the pain and heartache the truth in their love was worth something simpler.

The wrapping paper tore easily and Kurt found another note when he opened the little brown package. For a moment his gaze locked on the ring box it had been covering, and then he slit it open as well.

_Kurt, this is a fingerprint ring. You once told me that "the touch of a fingertip is as sexy as it gets" and when I saw this, I truly knew what you meant by that. The inside band is engraved with my print, always touching and close, so your hand will never be without mine to hold._

Kurt hiccupped loudly, trembling all over as he pulled the ring box free and finally popped it open. When he saw it, his heart skipped a beat. It was simple, unadorned, like so many of their firsts had been while they were together. He tugged it free from the velvet, spinning it in the dim light from his desk lamp until he found the first groove of Blaine's fingerprint.

Sniffing and crying, Kurt dragged his sleeve over his eyes before gently putting the ring back into the box and admiring it. Some day he would wear it on his finger, some day it would show the world everything it was meant to be, but for right now, it could wait. He had no idea how long until it would finally rested on his finger, but his fears of never being able to fully embrace Blaine again had washed out with his tears, purging him of the last wisps of toxicity and doubt.

"I'm in love with you, Blaine Anderson," Kurt said softly to himself. "So in love, I'm afraid of what'll happen if it ever stops."

A boot tapped on the wooden floor boards behind him and the swish of his curtains let him know someone had just parted them.

"K- Kurt?" Blaine asked hesitantly. "Are you all right?"

* * *

Santana disappeared at the subway platform on the way back from his audition. After ten minutes of searching, Blaine gave up, and when he reached the street above, he was greeted with a new text message that made it clear why she'd run off.

_Santana [6:47 P.M.]: I'll be out gettin' some. You should be back at the apartment doing the same, hobbit. I don't make sure it's empty if there isn't a damn good reason to._

Exasperated and finding her antics ridiculous, Blaine shook his head and hurried down the street through the throng of commuters exiting the station. A spring was in his step and people kept doing double takes as he passed, but Blaine didn't care. He'd had a second successful audition, this time for his piano and vocal combination performance and the two as individuals. Julliard seemed like a remarkable school, and while the thought of being on stage in a production was certainly thrilling, Blaine thought he'd be fine going to school just to play the music or even to teach someday. He loved the stage, but it wasn't everything in the same way it was to Rachel. Even so, he could still circulate in that network around the city once he moved here next year. Right now there were a hundred options open to him, just waiting for his path to swerve along through and narrow everything down.

Next year. The thought made him grin broadly as he pushed through the front door of Kurt's building and mounted the first flight of stairs. They were on their way back, and maybe they'd still be hesitant, still be taking things slow by the time June rolled around and not share an apartment at first, but some day…

Some day they would.

Before knocking, Blaine tried the door and was both surprised and pleased to see that it was unlocked and rolled open easily, still screeching and lurching, but much smoother than it had been at Christmas. The apartment was silent when he entered, shrugging his coat off and hanging it on the new coat rack that had appeared since his last visit. The only light was coming from the curtained off section that was Kurt's room. It was dim and barely noticeable because of the curtains, but Blaine headed in that direction, preparing to tell Kurt everything that had happened and then to change into his pajamas.

But when he pushed through the curtains, hearing the quiet murmur of Kurt's voice, Kurt was sitting on the edge of his bed, tears coursing down his cheeks and an unwrapped, opened package in his lap. An unfolded, slightly worn piece of paper was in his hand and Blaine's heart dived right down through the floorboards. He'd completely forgotten about the ring and the letter he'd written. Everything had been so distanced from the pair since he'd handed them off at Christmas.

"K- Kurt? Are you all right?" He hesitated at the parted curtains, watching Kurt swipe at his eyes and hiccup.

"Blaine, I– this is– "

Words failed him. Kurt shook his head and Blaine carefully made his way over, waiting for Kurt to stop him or order him out. He didn't, even as Blaine dropped down beside him and slid his arm around Kurt's waist. Blaine hoped that was a good sign, that Kurt had been ready to open the box and that it had given him what he'd hoped it would.

"You read it?" Blaine asked quietly, holding Kurt tighter when he felt that he was shaking. "Kurt, you're trembling– "

"You're it," Kurt said abruptly, his voice rough and watery. "I've known it for weeks now and before all of this but… " Kurt shook his head, and wiped away another batch of tears. "Your letter was beautiful, Blaine."

Surprised, Blaine reached up and helped Kurt wipe away his tears. "A beautiful letter for the most beautiful man I know, inside and out."

"Blaine– "

"It's the truth," Blaine said, throwing caution to the wind. "I've known that since I first met you, though I never realized how deeply your beauty ran. Even if we spent the rest of our lives together, I don't think I'd ever discover all of your beauty, Kurt."

"God, you've changed so much," Kurt shook his head in disbelief, dropping it down onto Blaine's shoulder and sighing. "It's been so… confusing every time you leave. After Christmas I missed you, but I still craved the boy I left in Lima. You were him and you weren't. But this time, after you left, it wasn't him I missed." Kurt paused. Blaine glanced down at where his head was resting on his shoulder, his lower lip worried between his teeth. "I'll _always_ love and be fond of that boy, but it was the strength you allowed yourself to finally accept that I missed, Blaine. You are exactly the man I need in my life now."

Blaine's heart jolted in his chest at Kurt's words and he suddenly found Kurt sitting up and turning to face him. His face was captured between Kurt's hands, caressing and gentle. Their eyes met, Kurt's still bright with tears, but the sight beyond those made Blaine forget to breathe. No discomfort or uncertainty, just a pure, mature love stared back at him, and for the first time since Kurt had looked at him with love, Blaine was speechless. There was forgiveness in Kurt's gaze, bright and fulfilling as it poured into the last pits craved into Blaine's heart.

"I love you more than anything, and I don't think I ever said that enough or said it first," Kurt continued, and he leaned in and brushed their lips together lightly. "That's going to change, just like a lot has already change. We still have things to work through, but I know this is right… " He picked up the ring box. "This and how it makes me feel is proof of that."

As Kurt leaned in and kissed him again, Blaine closed his eyes, his mind whirling with what was happening, at the very idea that this moment might be what it seemed. They kissed slowly for several minutes, re-familiarizing each other with how their lips meshed and moved. Kurt pulled away again, set the box and letter on his desk, and slid up the bed, tugging Blaine after him.

"Make me yours again," Kurt murmured, pulling Blaine down on top of him. "It's been so long, and I miss you. I've been empty for so long, Blaine… "

Breath shortening, Blaine allowed Kurt to pull him down on top of him, their mouthing meeting in a slow, warm kiss. He was stunned by what was happening, by the suddenness of it, and more than anything he'd expected tears and sobs to start pouring out of his mouth. Instead he only felt stronger, better, wiser than the boy who had imagined a tearful reunion several months ago.

"I love you," Blaine murmured as Kurt's hands curled into his hair, free once more of his gel, but still held in place with mousse now crumbling under Kurt's touch.

"Show me," Kurt requested, and the way his voice caught made Blaine pull back.

Every time he'd fantasized about their reunion, he'd never pictured Kurt in tears, but here they were. Kurt was vulnerable, open, and raw below him, and the sight made Blaine feel empowered and trusted more deeply than he had the night they'd given each other their virginities. He dug his knees into the bed, careful with how he rested on top of Kurt, like he was scared too much weight might be a heavy reminder of where they'd been. His elbows sunk into the mattress as he slowly began to unbutton Kurt's shirt.

Blaine took his time, listening to Kurt's elevated breathing and the soft mewls and sighs he let out as Blaine's mouth caress his neck and down his chest, following the trail of opening buttons. There was no rush. Right now all that mattered was giving Kurt back what he'd lost, fulfilling the truth he was presenting. Gently and lazily, Blaine parted Kurt's shirt, letting his fingers brush over Kurt's skin, feeling him shiver and shudder and arch.

When he'd thought about this, he'd never envisioned a moment like this. Everything had always involved the physical contact and connection they'd always craved when their bodies joined. But right now was something different, a fresh, new canvas before Blaine's eyes, already completed in his mind, but still waiting for the expert stroke of his hand.

"Blaine," Kurt whispered above him, his name soft and adoring on Kurt's lips. "Please… "

Without another syllable, Blaine understood what Kurt needed, understood his body better than his own. He pushed Kurt's shirt off his shoulders, wet his lips, and began the first sure swipe across the pale skin with his tongue. A moan greeted his actions and Blaine continued on, letting his lips and tongue work across Kurt's chest and up his neck, then back down to a taut nipple. His hands joined him as he sucked softly at the little nub, one thumb rubbing Kurt's other nipple as his other hand pushed Kurt's thighs apart.

As Blaine settled down between Kurt's legs, he groaned, lips releasing Kurt's nipple as he felt the hard outline of Kurt's cock against his hip. Together they worked Kurt's shirt off and tossed it to the floor, sending Blaine's along with it in a matter of seconds. Their chests met, eliciting sharp intakes of breath from both men as Kurt clutched desperately at Blaine's back.

"You feel so good," Kurt murmured, taking Blaine's face in his hands as they dropped back down into the pillows. "Better than I remember. Please, don't make me wait any longer."

Blaine had a brief moment of hesitation at Kurt's request, a small flash in his mind of the last time he'd been shirtless in such a setting, but the image melted away into Kurt, panting and wanton below him.

"Okay," Blaine said simply, pressing a single kiss to Kurt's lips before skimming down his torso to his navel.

He sucked over the skin there, the hard press of muscles just under the surface firmer and surprising. As much as everyone kept telling Blaine he'd changed, it seemed Kurt had too. His fingers began working on Kurt's jeans, fumbling in their sudden hurry to get them open, to see proof of Kurt's desire for him, to know that it was absolutely true how much Kurt still craved him.

Kurt's jeans and boxer-briefs hit the floor, and before Kurt could whimper, Blaine was against him, pressing him back into the bed and rubbing gently over his sides and hipbones.

"Shh, I've got you," Blaine assured him. "I'm not going anywhere tonight or ever."

Kurt gave him no response, just arched up against him, cock throbbing and hard, begging for Blaine's touch. Blaine trailed his lips back down Kurt's body, hearing the scrap of wood and the rattle of the handle on the night-stand's drawer. As his lips reached Kurt's belly button, his chin bumped against the wet tip of Kurt's cock, making Kurt's hips jerk upwards and the bottle he'd been trying to pass down drop onto the back of Blaine's neck.

Blaine paused, trying not to laugh but–

"Sorry," Kurt giggled, and then Blaine was laughing too, grabbing the bottle and smiling up at him.

"I thought I was the clumsy one," Blaine remarked as Kurt propped himself up on his elbows and leaned in for a sweet kiss.

"You've been rubbing off on me, I guess," Kurt teased, still giggling as Blaine's hands cupped his jaw and pressed their foreheads together. There were still tears glistening in Kurt's eyes, but they were happy, elated, shining just as brightly as his smile.

"I'll never love anyone the way I love you," Blaine told him.

"I hope not."

"I won't," Blaine promised, kissing him again.

Kurt laid back down and Blaine popped open the bottle of lube, squirting a bit onto his fingers and rubbing them together to warm it. He brought his mouth down to Kurt's cock, kissing along the underside and sucking softly along the wet trail he left. Kurt whined above him, hips rocking, and then Blaine let his slick fingers slip between Kurt's ass cheeks, stroking and probing, until he brushed the puckered rim of skin.

Another whined reached his ears and he slowly circled the rim, mouthing up to the tip of Kurt's cock and taking it between his lips as he slowly pushed it. Kurt gasped and tensed, not used to the sensation like he once was, and Blaine allowed his finger to pause as his mouth sunk down further, coaxing Kurt's muscles to relax so that he could continue moving.

"Yes," Kurt breathed, and as he let the word out with a whoosh of breath, Blaine felt his muscles loosen once more. He began working his finger in and out, thrusting slowly and purposefully as his mouth followed the same rhythm, sliding up and down Kurt's cock.

As Blaine worked in a second finger, and then a third, Kurt began squirming and pressing back onto the digits, groaning and panting from the overwhelming feeling of being filled. It was as Blaine let his gaze drift up, past Kurt's stomach, and over the newly defined muscles of his chest, that his stomach began to ache and tighten with emotion. Kurt had completely given into how he was feeling, was blissed out and pure emotion in that moment, rocking against Blaine and trusting him to make sure he had what he needed.

Blaine swallowed, his mouth sliding off Kurt's cock as tears started to pool in his eyes. It felt so incredible to be trusted again by the man he was in love with. He focused on the movement of his fingers inside Kurt, pressing up and against Kurt's prostate and trying to hold himself together as Kurt moaned once more.

"Blaine, I need you," Kurt called down to him, hips rolling against Blaine's fingers. "Blaine?"

"C- condom," Blaine managed to choke out. "Do you– "

Kurt frozen underneath him, and Blaine knew his mind was catching up with the reason for the request. They'd still used condoms before they'd broken up, but after last Valentine's Day, they'd grown quite accustom to forgoing them.

"Yeah," Kurt said, and Blaine heard the night-stand rattle again.

A second later he heard it close and then Kurt slipped off his fingers, sitting up and working Blaine's pants open. As Kurt eased them down his hips Blaine tried to gain control of his emotions, reminding himself how much assurance Kurt needed from him right now, how right and perfect it was, and that some day they wouldn't feel so overwhelmed by the suggestion of a condom.

The condom was rolled down his cock, and Kurt began lubing him up as they lay back down together.

"It's only us tonight, Blaine," Kurt whispered, his legs falling open as Blaine took a hold of his cock and pressed against Kurt's opening. "Nothing else matters, okay?"

Blaine nodded, capturing Kurt's lips in a searing kiss as he started to press in, his movements slow and controlled. Kurt gasped against his lips, tensing a little, but as Blaine pushed in another inch, stretching the ring of muscles he relaxed with a pleased sigh, legs looping around Blaine's waist as his hips met Kurt's ass.

"You okay?" Blaine breathed, adjusting himself slightly until his knees were pressing into the mattress and he could move more easily.

Instead of a nod or a moan, Kurt smiled blissfully up at him.

"I'm wonderful now that I'm in your arms again," Kurt answered, stroking Blaine's cheek. "Everything always makes more sense when you're in my life."

If this had been six months ago, Blaine imagined his response would have been slightly snarky and teasing, a play on the words Kurt had just utter, but right now, in this moment, he agreed completely. These past five months apart had been the hardest of his life, and while he'd found happiness in them and himself, it was nothing compared to sharing his life and himself with Kurt in such an intimate way.

Kurt's hands slid down his back, urging him to start moving and Blaine obliged, slowly easing his hips back until he was almost out of Kurt's body, then sinking back in with a groan and a cry from Kurt.

A frenzy swirled up between them as their bodies met again, and Blaine found himself being yanked down against Kurt's chest, their mouths crashing together frantically as Kurt's hips started rolling encouragingly. The tears started then, in a different way than he'd imagined as his hips met Kurt's movements. They weren't tears of regret or sorrow or guilt, but filled with warmth and happiness because they were finally in each other's arms again, their hearts open and connecting in a way they hadn't in months.

Kurt was crying too, his gasps punctuating the meeting of their lips whenever Blaine drew back to breathe. Mumbled promises and words joined the slap of their skin, "I miss you" "I love you" "Never again" as Blaine grasped Kurt's cock and began stroking him firmly, feeling his muscles tense around him as he continued to drive his hips forward.

"Blaine, I– " Kurt broke off with a shaky moan, his hips working faster as Blaine stilled his own and angled up, grinding slowly against Kurt's prostate as he fisted his throbbing cock.

With a whimper, Kurt tensed, spilling over Blaine's hands a moment later as he muscles fluttered and clenched around Blaine's cock. Blaine began thrusting again, into the tight heat of Kurt's body, until his stomach tensed suddenly and he came, groaning into the sweaty skin of Kurt's neck.

Tangled together, Kurt and Blaine laid there for a long time, caressing softly and whispering promises into the quiet room. They talked long into the night about how they each needed to communicate better and honestly, how Kurt needed to be more aware and listen better and Blaine needed to speak up about when he was hurting and about what he needed. It was only the start of learning how to communicate better, but as Blaine drifted off in Kurt's arms, he knew they would make it work.

They weren't the same people they had been five months ago; they understood theirs problems and how to work through them now.


	13. March

A/N: Sooo here's March! Like, this is all of March. This one and the next two are each a single month, so we're almost done with this story. The major writing is finished (yay!) it's just a matter of letting Az beta and a few read throughs.

Enjoy and I will attempt to have April all prettied up by Wednesday or Thursday?

Second Fall

March

Kurt was on a high throughout February and well into the beginning of March when his Spring Break arrived. Blaine was planning on heading out for another visit the first weekend of Kurt's break, this time a trip paid for by Kurt to keep expenses even, and they were both overly excited at the prospect. They had been apart for three weeks, and while there'd been difficult days and several arguments and fights because of communication and figuring out how to make everything work, Kurt felt better about their relationship overall. They were being honest, even when the words hurt, and to him that said a lot about how far they'd come since September.

The elation he had over his reunion with Blaine didn't seem to deflate or burst, no matter how much drama he was dragged into through work or by Rachel and Santana. There was quite a lot of it, too, on the roommate side of the equation, and Kurt was seriously hoping that by June, Blaine moved in with him and one of the girls moved out. Rachel was constantly debating out loud whether or not she should tell Brody she was in love with him while being her usual obnoxiously overdramatic self and Santana had started a new job at a bar in the city as a bouncer, working evenings and late into the night. It wouldn't have been a problem, except more often than not she brought some part of her work home with her, usually in the form an attractive female with the taint of liquor on her breath. While these encounters were much quieter than the first few weeks had been, easily deafened by Kurt's earplugs and the distance of his bed from hers, there was the occasional screamer that made Rachel flare up and start bellowing at three in the morning because she had class at eight.

It was on nights like that when Kurt called Blaine and they debated the pros and cons of the two women and which one they wanted to room with them next year. Blaine was solidly in the Santana camp, much to Kurt's surprise, but part of that he knew was because Blaine was convinced Rachel and Brody would be living together by that point. Despite thinking that Rachel was too high maintenance for Brody, when Kurt saw them together he had to agree. Brody was a decent guy, polite and caring, but still willing to argue with Rachel when she was in one of her moods. He was much more on Rachel's life track than Finn was, since Finn was quite content in Lima right now, running Glee Club and starting classes at the local community college to become a teacher. The career decision had surprised Kurt, but the more he heard from Blaine about Finn as Mr. Schuester's temporary replacement, the more he understood his step-brother had finally found his niche.

Blaine's first visit since Valentine's Day arrived and ended up being odder than Kurt had expected. Over the three weeks between seeing each other Kurt had thought a lot, namely about their sex life and the functioning of it. That first reunited visit neither of them had voiced the idea of switching, in fact they'd only had sex twice, which by their old standards wasn't a lot, and each instance had involved tear-stained cheeks and breathless promises. As the days passed, Kurt kept imagining it, wanting to feel Blaine tight and hot around himself, arching up and whining high in his throat. It was a reaction he'd always loved, but now, after everything, it scared him.

There was the frightening possibility that somehow it wouldn't feel the same as it had before, that with all that had changed, Blaine's reactions and enjoyment of the experience would have to. Someone else had been where only Kurt and Blaine had, and the idea that _Eli_ had in some way been better and more fulfilling that himself was too much to handle. Blaine, usually begging and wanting for Kurt to fuck him, had been silent about it, and Kurt desperately hoped it was because he was being patient with him and waiting until Kurt thought he was ready to make that move.

After three weeks of pondering the change, the barrier that still defined their sex life, Kurt thought he was ready to start tentatively toeing that line. Reminders of how much Blaine had loathed himself and regretted that hour spent with another was a nice confidence boost, and Kurt knew, without any doubts, that it had been a meaningless fling that held nothing on the love they shared together. But when Blaine arrived at the loft and Kurt tugged him down onto the couch, the fear lingered, and as soon as he found the courage to grope Blaine's ass, his boyfriend grew tense and silent against him, and then firmly dragged Kurt's hands to his hips.

The entire weekend was like that whenever Kurt let one of his hands stray there and it was hard to swallow the lump it made form in his throat. Blaine didn't seem to want that anymore, was uncomfortable with just a brush of Kurt's fingers, and it hurt. Kurt didn't think it was intentional, because when he stopped and thought about it, Blaine must certainly have his own reservations about exploring that area of their sex life since he was haunted by his own reminders of _him_.

It still weighed heavily on Kurt's mind, daunting and terrifying because that had always been a large part of their sex life, and if that was something Blaine never wanted to do again, Kurt wasn't sure how they were going to move forward. As much as he loved to bottom himself, he definitely preferred switching things around, and his ass had always gotten sore more easily than Blaine's.

But Kurt didn't bring it up. He knew Blaine had been working so hard on being happy with himself, with finding a way to forgive himself without anyone's help, and he didn't want to overstep that. It was a physical barrier for them, and to him, the solution would come through that, with slow, easy steps that brought them closer and closer to what they'd once had, instead of conversations about what ifs.

They ended the visit with a nice night in and dinner with Santana, Brody, and Rachel. It was a good introduction to how life could be for them in another few months, and this time when Blaine left, a handful of his shirts were hung up on what Kurt had christened as his side of their wardrobe.

But as the weeks passed, and Kurt grew busy with his classes, work, and juggling his roommates antics, the urge to have Blaine under him grew exponentially. It was a thought he couldn't erase from his mind, because in the most possessive corner of his heart, Blaine was _his; e_very sinewy inch of slightly tan skin, every trembling muscle, and every stuttering, desperate breath. Without that as a part of their sex life, Kurt felt useless, unnecessary. Blaine pleased him over and over, and he felt like he couldn't do the same anymore when he compared how much Blaine had enjoyed those moments underneath him.

The end of March arrived with a huge drop in temperature, chilly air, and another visit from Blaine during his own Spring Break. Kurt was thrilled by the unexpected visit, because Blaine had thought he'd be too busy with final projects, Regionals preparations, and coordinating prom, but somehow he'd managed to fit in five long, blissful days in New York. As soon as he'd heard the good news, Kurt had put in to have as many of those days off as possible, giving Isabelle a truthful explanation, and he was quite glad to see how happy she was to find Kurt and Blaine reunited.

Blaine, now quite comfortable with the subway journey to Bushwick from the train station, elected to make his way there separately so Kurt didn't have to miss his classes on Friday afternoon. Unfortunately, Kurt barely paid attention at all, staring dazedly at the different styles and cuts from the 1950s the professor was displaying up front, and thinking longing of having Blaine's ass pressed against his hipbones, cock hard and throbbing in the tight heat of the other man's body.

By ten to four, Kurt gave up, especially after he groaned aloud in the middle of class. He quietly stepped out under the guise of using the restroom and instead rushed to the subway station, and then to his apartment, knowing Blaine was waiting for him, perhaps napping from his long journey or lounging on the couch.

Once Kurt was inside, he found it empty, and it wasn't until he shuffled back to his room, throwing his jacket and bag onto the bed, that he heard the shower cut off and the unmistakable singing murmur of Blaine's voice. Jeans tight over the swell of his cock, Kurt kicked his boots off, and stumbled towards the bathroom, opening the door without so much as a knock.

Blaine yelped in alarm, still standing naked in the stall with a towel in hand.

"K- Kurt! I– just give me a min– "

Another yelped, this time muffled, escaped Blaine as Kurt surged forward and pressed him into the damp wall of the shower stall. Kurt groaned, not caring that the moisture in the room could potentially ruin his shirt, because Blaine was already naked and so much easier to fuck now.

"Need you," Kurt panted, pulling back and yanking Blaine out of the shower and towards his room. As they passed through the curtains, one getting caught on Blaine's damp skin, Kurt popped his jeans open and eyed the bottle of lube now permanently situated on his night-stand. It was still strange for him not to have to hide it in there or a clothing drawer, but there was no chance of his father walking in and seeing it here.

Kurt backed Blaine up towards the bed, working his shirt off as his tongue and mouth worked over Blaine's neck and collarbone. He'd missed this heady feeling, the absolute rush of desperate need that they hadn't experienced since their reunion. Everything had been more subdued, calmer, gentler, all tentative brushes as they explored each other again and took in the new wonders that six months apart had brought. Right now he wanted it fast and hot, with Blaine panting and arched beneath himself, working his ass back onto his cock and–

"Shit, I want to fuck you so bad," Kurt breathed as they toppled onto the bed, Blaine whining faintly as Kurt pressed him down. A loud moan greeted his words, and Kurt, emboldened, tangled his fingers into Blaine's curls and turned his head to the left so that he could lick the beads of water off of his skin.

"Kurt– _fuck_– don't stop," Blaine requested his hands pushed at Kurt's jeans, shoving them down his hips until his cock fell, heavy and throbbing against Blaine's hips and his hardening cock. "I missed you."

"I can feel how much you missed me," Kurt said, smiling against Blaine's collarbone as he reached for the bottle of lube. "God, you taste _good_."

"Like soap, you mean," Blaine said, sighing as Kurt's lips drifted down his body, tongue dipping and swirling over the beads of water.

Kurt popped the bottle open, feeling Blaine's body shift and his muscles flutter underneath himself as he dabbed a little onto his fingers and warmed it. But as Kurt reached Blaine's hips, and the sharply defined muscles that narrowed down to Blaine's cock, his hands followed suit and Blaine flinched as they caressed his ass and a slick finger pressed in towards his hole.

"Blaine?"

But Blaine was frozen beneath him as Kurt pulled back, eyes wide and unmoving.

Kurt pulled his hand back, panic and guilt surging through him. He'd been too caught up in the moment to remember how Blaine had been reacting to that, and while he hadn't even thought about the implications of it now, Blaine definitely remembered.

"Sweetheart, are you– "

With a jerk, Blaine rolled out from under him, face pale and eyes dark with panic and loathing. Before Kurt could catch his arm, Blaine was racing through the half-open curtains. The bathroom door slammed shut a second later as Kurt hurried after him.

* * *

Blaine had thought he was over it. He had truly, completely thought he was past his infidelity and the way it had affected him. But as he dropped to his knees in the bathroom, curved over the toilet bowl and retching, it hit him like a fist in the face that he wasn't even close.

Stomach heaving up his lunch from the train, Blaine shivered and hugged the toilet bowl as snot clogged his nostrils and his eyes burn. He'd been ignoring the signs for weeks now, had shoved them aside and told himself that once they reached that point, his fears wouldn't amount to anything, that he'd be perfectly fine being touched that way again, but it only reminded him of the last person to touch him there and how much he hated himself for it.

At first he'd been fine because Kurt had seemed to want to reclaim that aspect of their sex life, but as soon as he stepped over that line, the nightmares started up again. Hands were always roaming over his body, and someone else was inside of him, and when he finally turned his face out of the mattress to breathe, Kurt was standing beside the bed, watching and sneering down at him. That was usually when he woke up now, because the first time it had continued with crude words and insults thrown his way from the man he loved more than anything. The idea that somewhere in the back of Kurt's mind he actually thought those terrible things made Blaine feel filthy and sick.

"Blaine? Baby, are– "

A hand pressed gently against Blaine's upper back, softly rubbing over his spine as he retched again. Blaine still flinched at the touch, at all the fear curled in his stomach and trying to climb its way out into the open.

"Shh, it's okay, sweetheart," Kurt soothed, continuing to rub circles into his back and brushing his hair off his forehead.

As his stomach loosened again, Blaine shook his head miserably, denying Kurt's words. It was no use. He couldn't handle this on his own like he'd wanted. Kurt had to be told and the truth of how sick with guilt he was could potential ruin them all over again.

"N- No, it's n- n- not," Blaine rasped shakily, tears stinging his eyes. He dropped his forehead onto the porcelain toilet seat and shivered as Kurt continued to rub his back.

"Blaine, it– people get sick, it's n– "

The words died in his throat as Blaine shook his head more forcefully. He could tell just from the tone of Kurt's voice that he _knew_ so much more was going on than a random stomach flu. Blaine heard the faucet cut on and the sloshing of a washcloth in the sink. A few seconds later, the warm cloth was rubbed over his neck and then Kurt eased him back and started wiping his face off.

"God, I'm sorry. I'm such a fucking wreck," Blaine babbled, voice scratching and trembling as more tears ran down his face.

"Hey, no," Kurt said suddenly, sharply. He slid in behind Blaine and held him against his chest, rubbing over his stomach, still fluttering painfully. "No more apologies. You already said those and I accepted and forgave them. Now it's your turn."

"Kurt– you shouldn't have to deal with this," Blaine snapped in frustration, feeling even guiltier because of Kurt's kindness. "You d- deserve so much better than some stupid kid who can't get over his own guilt and you shouldn't have to comfort me for _cheating on you–_"

"You are _not _the same boy, Blaine Anderson, and there is _nothing_ wrong with you needing me right now," Kurt cut in sternly. "You have been so strong for yourself and for me, and… god, I'm so used to you needing me so much and I get that you can handle yourself better now, but everyone needs somebody else at some point. Needing me now doesn't make you that same boy, Blaine. You are absolutely still allowed this," Kurt murmured, hugging him tighter. "You can't be strong all the time, just as I can't."

Blaine was silent as he closed his eyes and relaxed back into Kurt's embrace. He knew he was safe here, and as miserable as he felt, being held by Kurt helped. It always helped. Kurt was right, too. That was part of being in a relationship like theirs. They needed to rely on each other when everything was too much, when his own foundation wasn't strong enough to handle the weight of his problems.

"I– we're still not great at this communication stuff, are we?" Kurt muttered weakly, sliding them along the cool floor until Kurt's back hit the wall.

Blaine laughed humorlessly and took the washcloth to wipe his mouth and eyes. "No, I guess it's going to take some more practice." He shook his head and nuzzled his face into the curve of Kurt's neck. "I just wanted to deal with this on my own. It's _my_ guilt, and it's _my _problem, and I didn't want to burden you with that when you're the one who was hurt the most from it. It didn't seem fair."

Kurt was silent behind him, hands still rubbing Blaine's belly, but he had grown stiffer and Blaine realized what Kurt was about to ask a second before he spoke.

"Blaine, we promised we were going to be honest with each other from now on and I need you to tell me _exactly_ what's wrong," Kurt said softly. "I think I know, but I want to be sure we're on the same page and– "

"I… I thought I had forgiven myself for what I'd done with Eli and I just… " Blaine shivered and hugged himself as Kurt tightened his grip on him. "I'm not there yet, not with the physical stuff and I just– I don't know how to get there and I keep dreaming about it, only you're there and you _hate _me– "

"I don't hate you, Blaine, that's something I've realized. No matter what you do, I don't think I could ever hate you without still loving you," Kurt told him, kissing his cheek. "We just have to figure this out together, okay?"

"But this is _my _problem," Blaine insisted, repeating his earlier words. "I don't want you to have to deal with my guilt about _cheating on you_– "

"But I think that's part of where we're at, Blaine," Kurt said thoughtfully. "We both took our own journeys, yeah. I learned to forgive and realize I had to keep in touch and give you what you needed, even if it was different from what I needed at a distance. And you've grown and figured yourself out so much and that was what you had to do to get to where we are now. But this… Blaine, this is something we have to heal over together. It affects both of us, because it changes how our relationship works."

They were silent as Blaine digested Kurt's interpretation of their situation. There wasn't going to be any easy solution to this problem. It wasn't a simple matter, but a longer journey for them to work through together – another twisting curve on the path Blaine had thought he'd fallen off of.

"I don't even know where to start," Blaine admitted miserably. "It just came out of nowhere as soon as you first touched my ass and I don't know how to get the fear and doubts out of my mind."

Kurt hummed against his cheek and kissed him softly again. "I think the first thing is to decide whether or not we each want to have that part of our relationship back," Kurt decided nervously. "I– god, I do. I can't stop thinking about having you want me like that again. I still love you topping and everything that goes with that, but– I miss it. I want it back in our life."

"So do I," Blaine confessed. "It's why I didn't try to stop you just now. I want it. I want to feel that again and not feel tainted and filthy whenever I think about anyone topping me."

"Come on," Kurt whispered, sitting up a little and urging Blaine to stand. "Let's go lie down and cuddle. I think starting with something simple could help."

"Cuddles, sweet kisses, and body caresses?" Blaine suggested as he stood up and helped Kurt to his feet.

"Just us for the night," Kurt agreed, hugging Blaine close. "We'll get through this. I won't rush you, and whenever you're ready to take another step, I want you to let me know, okay?"

"I will," Blaine replied, brushing his lips over Kurt's neck and squeezing him tightly.

After Blaine brushed his teeth, they slowly made their way back to Kurt's bedroom and laid down together, side by side and facing each other. It made Blaine slightly nervous because they were both still naked, but Kurt was soft against his thigh as they moved in closer to cuddle.

"Just touch and feel," Kurt said against his ear, nipping his earlobe. "Nothing has to happen. It's just us being intimate and close without the need for sex."

Blaine nodded and let his hands drift, exploring the soft dips of the muscles in Kurt's upper back and the smooth, broad expanse of his shoulders. As his hands caressed Kurt's warm skin, he felt Kurt's hands start to drift lazily, too, not straying down, but lingering over his back and then his sides, around to his chest and belly.

It was serene and calming, like sinking into a foamy, hot bath after a long day of rehearsal and a work out with Sam. He glanced up from Kurt's chin, meeting the other man's gaze and smiling softly. His grin encouraged Kurt, who pressed in a little closer, hands sliding back around as their lips brushed, moving softly and familiarly against each other's.

"Feels nice," Blaine sighed, humming as Kurt nibbled on his lower lip and then trailed kisses over his jaw.

As Kurt sucked on one of Blaine's favorite spots, the curve of his jaw, Blaine arched and gasped, a hot thrill pulsing through him that made him ache to be touched; to have his ass kneaded and caressed like he had always enjoyed.

"K- Kurt– "

"Shh, I know," Kurt murmured, trailing his kisses back up to Blaine's lips and kissing him lazily.

Their tongues brushed, licking and twisting against each other as Kurt's hands drifted, slowly traveling down Blaine's back until his fingertips brushed over the top of his ass cheeks. Blaine tensed on instinct, waiting for that bright flash of memory and the guilt to course through him, but it didn't. A little shiver of a reminder ran through him, assuring him that the fear and guilt _was_ still there, but in this setting, with the promise of nothing sexual, he was safer from his own horrible thoughts.

He arched back and up into Kurt's hands, sighing in relief as the familiar touch soothed him, sending a hot, happy pulse through his body as Kurt's hands gently took their time, caressing his ass cheeks and then massaging the taut flesh.

Between their bodies, Blaine could feel Kurt's erection nudging against his, thick and aching like his own. Neither of them acknowledged it any further as they kissed and rubbed over the other, slowly drifting down, until their movements were minimal and their lips were no longer moving despite still being pressed together.

"I am so lucky to have you back," Blaine mumbled sleepily as the loft door slid open and Santana's voice rang out, followed by Rachel's.

"Not as lucky as I am," Kurt said, nuzzling closer into the heat of Blaine's embrace.

The girls called out to them once more, but Kurt and Blaine ignored it, tangling together tighter and just breathing each other in. This was simple, easy to melt into and enjoy, because with Eli there had been nothing remotely like this. It had been fast, abrasive, and happening before Blaine's mind could entirely process what he was doing. That was what scared him. He and Kurt had tended to lean towards a faster pace, especially if Kurt was topping, and the idea of the two instances being related and mingling in his mind didn't add up.

Blaine didn't know how to climb over that hurdle and Kurt didn't seem to have a much better idea. But he had reminded Blaine of the difference the two men made in his life and that there was always going to be something meaningful and tangibly real with Kurt. The problem was figuring out why the difference couldn't stay separated in his mind.


	14. April

A/N: Sorry I'm late! But here, take April. Hmm, what to say about this... there's some smut and a return of a certain someone briefly, and uh. Well, you'll see when you read, so enjoy!

There's only May left after this and then it's complete! Feels weird to think about since I started this for NaNoWriMo in November. I'm not sure when May will be up yet. I'm heading into hell week with 5 days of work, 4 midterms, and a huge portfolio due for my creative writing class. Busy Zane will be busy. But the good news is that Az has May and is betaing, so hopefully by the middle of next week?

Enjoy!

Second Fall

April

A dull ringing hummed against Blaine's head, waking him up as the house creaked in protest to the winds gusting outside. With a groan, he squinted around in the darkness of his bedroom, trying to understand where the noise was coming from and, more importantly, why such a noise was happening in the middle of the night. Silence followed a second ring and by the time the third one began, Blaine was coherent enough to realize it was his cell phone, buried somewhere in his pillows or bedding. He'd fallen asleep talking to Kurt however many hours beforehand and, as he rolled over and started digging, he was suddenly blinded by the light of the screen as he pushed one of his pillows aside.

He scrambled to grab it and answer before it jumped to his voice mail, fumbling and yawning sleepily.

"H- h- hello?" Blaine mumbled, another yawn crawling out of his mouth.

"They're at it again," Kurt deadpanned, sounding amused and perturbed. "Figured you'd be interested in knowing what you're getting into when you move up here in a few months."

"Who's the girl this time?" Blaine rasped, stretching before he snuggled back down with the body pillow Kurt had given him. It had become his new sleeping companion when he was in Lima without the comfort of Kurt's warm scent and presence beside him. "Pillow's starting to lose its Kurt smell, by the way," he mentioned, rubbing at one eye and then the other.

"Then you better bring it along next weekend," Kurt chimed in playfully. "I'm sure I can get that smell back in no time to help you sleep. Well," Kurt paused and Blaine could hear his grin in the silence, "as long as you do the same for my big pillow."

"It's a date," Blaine agreed, squinting over at his night-stand to check the time. "It's almost four in the morning. Why on earth is Rachel bitching when it's the weekend?"

"She's going to some Broadway show with Brody and wants to be well rested, I think. Hold on, I'll check."

Blaine heard Kurt shuffling his phone and then the distinct murmur of voices in the background turned into a roar.

"You're just pissed because – oh, _fuck_, yes, right there– you aren't getting any!" Santana yelled, her voice breathy and high and what Blaine imagined was a tone that meant she was close to orgasm.

"I am _not!_" Rachel bellowed. "I g- get plenty with Brody– "

"Plenty bad," Santana snarled, but her voice cut off with a loud moan.

"So I'd hate to break up this little love fest, but why the hell does it matter on a Saturday night?" Kurt shouted, louder in Blaine's ears than the girls. "Blaine wants to know," he added offhandedly. "I'm quite curious myself."

Blaine grimaced at the inclusion of his name, but listened closely anyway as Rachel rattled on about needing precisely eight hours of sleep every night in order to perform at her peak abilities.

"Why didn't you just go to Brody's?" Kurt demanded as an unfamiliar woman's voice moaned in the background. "It has to be quieter there– "

"It's because she's sick of getting stuffed instead of satisfied," Santana replied.

"I am plenty sat– "

The phone was shuffled around again and the women's voices dimmed as Kurt's breathing returned against Blaine's ear.

"It's funny, really," Kurt admitted. "They're only noisy when Rachel's here. I guess she's trying to prove some bizarre point."

"Another new girl from the bar?" Blaine queried as the woman cried out in the background. "She doesn't sound familiar."

"Actually, I think it's that red head… um, Alessa? Alexa?" The phone was moved again and a second later Kurt bellowed, "Santana, do you at least know her name?"

"Her name's Alexa!"

"My name's Alexa!"

"Thanks!"

Blaine rolled his eyes and snorted. "At least she's not jumping around from girl to girl still."

"Yeah, I think they've started getting breakfast in the mornings after they're all done pissing Rachel off," Kurt told him. "So how are you? Any word from NYADA or Julliard again?"

Blaine hummed a negative and sighed at the thought of his final two schools. He'd been smart and hadn't sent in rejects to the other handful yet, but he was still nervous. His NYADA audition a few weeks ago had gone quite well. He'd taken Rachel and Kurt's advice, even some from Isaac, and gone for depth over bells and whistles. He'd taken an old Backstreet Boys song, gutting the drums, guitar, and the rest of the instrumental noise, adapted it for piano and taken the stage alone, just himself and the baby grand that hung out in the choir room. It had been an incredible risk, especially with his arrangement, but it had actually worked. Madame Tibideaux had even complimented his arrangement and said he should think of it as an option in terms of a career path.

"Should be some time in the next few weeks," Blaine answered, curling his legs around the body pillow he had pressed against himself. "I miss you. Three weeks is such a long time."

"I know," Kurt agreed, his voice soft and slightly raspy. "And _they_ aren't helping. Every night it just makes me wish _you_ were here. Your skin against mine and– "

Kurt's words stuttered to a halt, his breathing sharp and loud against Blaine's ear. He knew what Kurt was imagining, knew he wouldn't dare say it since Blaine was still so uncomfortable with the physicality of it.

"You can say it, Kurt," Blaine said softly. "I want to know what you think about when you're alone. Just you and your hand, wishing it was mine instead."

"Y- you were on your side and I was pressed up behind you, slow and close," Kurt said after a moment, breathing still heavy. "I love taking you like that."

"It's my favorite," Blaine agreed, eyes drifting closed as he imagined it, Kurt pressed up against his back, one arm curled snuggly around his waist and the other hooked under his armpit, fingers tangling into his sweaty curls as they moved together slowly…

"Fuck, I'm so _hard_," Kurt groaned, and Blaine could imagine Kurt sliding his pajama pants down his hips and freeing his erection. "Are you– "

Blaine flinched at the question, because the honest answer was no. He wasn't. Even talking about bottoming did nothing for him now, and he knew it was because the immediate thought was of the last time he'd been stretched and it still made him queasy.

"Kurt, I– no, I'm sorry, I just– "

"Oh," Kurt said in disappointment as more noises echoed from the loft. "I'm sorry for overstepping or making you uncomfortable– "

"No, god, Kurt, don't be. I'm just… stupid. I can't even think about it without remembering and I'm just so sick of being at a standstill with this," Blaine said furiously, his eyes burning. "I'm sorry I'm ruining this for you– "

"Blaine, you aren't– "

"It feels like I am," Blaine said miserably. "I wish I could just make sense of it all in my mind. Like, I _know_ it's different, but… "

He couldn't continue the thought, not over the phone. It was a discussion he had to have face to face with Kurt instead of while Santana and her new girl were fucking in the background. Telling Kurt that sex with Eli _had_ to mean something to him, because sex had always meant something before that, wasn't a fear he wanted to say over the phone. It didn't even make sense to him, and it hurt twice as much to think that that hour with Eli had meant something to him, even though he didn't think it did. But his only experiences had meant something incredible, loving, and blissful, and with Eli… he came up blank. It had to mean something different, but he couldn't imagine how the same physical act could be so opposite in his head and heart.

"It's fine, Blaine, _really_," Kurt insisted. "Just… I wish I had some solution for you, baby."

"It's not yours to– "

Blaine trailed off as he realized what was missing. It wasn't what the encounter had meant to him that was messing with his head so much, he knew it had been meaningless and selfish, a headlong dive to fill the void of pain, but it was what it had meant to the other boy, to Eli, that he didn't know. He hadn't stayed that night to even find out. Because as much as he wanted to define that night as meaningless and nothing but a mistake, it was an experience that had been two sided. It couldn't be fully meaningless if it had meant something to Eli like sex did for Kurt and Blaine. That was the problem he was having in letting this go.

"Kurt, I– I think I know what I need to do," Blaine said abruptly, fumbling over his words. "I– it's– I need you to trust me, okay?"

"You know I do," Kurt said immediately. "More than I ever have. But… Blaine, what are you going to– "

"I'll tell you everything when I see you this weekend, okay? I promise," Blaine said softly, untangling himself from his bedding and stumbling over to his desk. "It's… god, it's probably crazy, but… I think this is what I need to do to get my head and heart on the same page."

As he spoke Blaine flipped his laptop open and waited for it to load up. Once it did, he opened his internet browser and logged onto Facebook.

"You do whatever you need to, okay? Just… I love you," Kurt murmured, yawning loudly a second later. "They're quieting down. I'm gonna get some sleep, all right?"

"I love you, too," Blaine said sincerely, typing four letters into his search bar. "Thank you for trusting me so much."

"Mhmm," Kurt yawned softly, mumbling unintelligibly and then said goodnight.

Blaine hung up as well, setting his phone down in the dim light of his computer screen and clicking on the profile he'd been searching for. If he'd told Kurt what he was about to do, the other man would probably never agree. He was already half talking himself out of the decision when he sent a short message.

It would be worth it if it meant he finally got past this block. Kurt would understand that.

* * *

Tuesday afternoon, Blaine skipped out on Glee Club after school. Instead, he headed straight over to the mall in town, anxiously checking his watch as he sat down at an empty table next to the Taco Bell stand in the food court. When he'd suggested it as a place to meet, he'd thought it was ideal. There was no tone of solitude or a suggestion that there'd be anything more than conversation. The place left no room for misinterpretation of what this meeting was about and Blaine just hoped that it didn't make the other boy decide not to show.

Blaine stared at the watch on his wrist as three o'clock came and then went. At a quarter after, Blaine had all but given up until–

"Blaine, right?"

The voice grated at his nerves, making him flinch because, despite the distance of time, he still knew the inflections and pitch perfectly. It haunted him regardless of his state of consciousness and hopefully, after this, Blaine would finally be free of it.

"Eli," Blaine greeted, voice even as he turned around in his seat. "Hi."

"Odd place to meet," Eli said offhandedly, glancing around at the elderly couples dotting the eating area and the mother with her two toddlers a few booths away. "Look," he said abruptly, "whatever you caught, you didn't get it from me, so if you're just trying to warn me to get tested I do every three months and I'm still clean– "

"No, no, that's– " Blaine shook his head in disbelief and waved towards the seat across from him. "That's not it, but I'm clean, too. Tested a few weeks ago. Um… please, sit."

Looking cautious and uneasy, Eli sat down, glancing around them as though he expected someone to jump out and tackle him. It was so different seeing him again, months later, in broad daylight and without the insistent press of his mouth as soon as Blaine stepped into his room. He took a deep breath, trying to coach himself through what he had to get out and learn from the other boy.

"I have a boyfriend," Blaine stated, resting his hands on the table and trying to remain calm. He'd worked out the various things he wanted to say since he'd first messaged Eli again. He just hoped somehow being honest with the guy he'd cheated with helped like he thought it would. "I _had_ a boyfriend when we hooked up."

Eli raised an eyebrow, looking a little surly as he shrugged. "So?"

"So," Blaine continued forcefully, "he means everything to me and what we did has haunted me since October. I need to know what it meant to you."

Blaine watched as Eli leaned back, looking thoughtful and he thought he knew the answer that he was going to get from him. It was the one he was hoping for; the one that meant it had been meaningless for both parties. That it had truly meant nothing and was incomparable to what he shared with Kurt.

"Honestly, I barely even remember you," Eli admitted, shrugging carelessly. "We fucked, it was fun, and that's that, dude. Stop making it into something dramatic when it's _just_sex. Sex just feels good," Eli added, standing up and looking annoyed. "So if you're done wasting my time, I've got a guy waiting for me."

The words didn't sting, not like Blaine thought they should. Eli didn't care about him, didn't even remember him. There was nothing positive shared between them and never had been. Something felt like it snapped in Blaine's chest as the certainty sunk into his skin, trickling out and sealing over the last little breaks in his heart. It would still take time to settle and mesh, but he breathed easier with the answer. There was no connection to this and what he and Kurt had and that made all the difference.

As Eli began stalking away, Blaine spun around in his chair.

"Do you love him? This guy?"

Eli snorted derisively. "No, what's the fun in that?" he snapped, starting to look angry. "I really have better things to do than talk to you, so– "

"I'm sorry you haven't figured it out yet."

Just as he had started to turn away again, Eli stopped, turning and glaring at Blaine, who continued quietly and with purpose.

"I wish the best for you, I really do," Blaine said calmly. "I hope someday you understand what I've learned with Kurt and all of this. Everything is better when you're in love, sex included, and nothing else can ever compared to sharing yourself with someone who means that much to you. Not even a one night stand. It can't touch that intimacy because there isn't any involved. It's empty and someday I hope you see that and want more for yourself."

Before Eli could snap or snarl at him, Blaine stood up and smiled softly, lips closed as he gave Eli a sad look.

"Good luck, Eli, and thanks, really," Blaine said, shrugging slightly. "Probably sounds odd since this was the worst year of my life, but I'm glad I've learned all of this about myself. I'm glad I figured all of this out now and bettered myself from it. It's not easy to find love; it's even harder to have faith in it."

Blaine turned away, walked past the mother with her two little toddlers, and headed for the closest exit. He still had to meet Sam for their usual afternoon boxing and workout regimen, now with a lighter feeling in his head and a lot of thoughts and realizations to process. As he pushed through the door and the sunlight hit his skin, he smiled more fully, chest loose as the struggle in his chest continued to unwind and dissolve. It was just another memory now, still lingering with negativity, but with the strength and realization of his growth now attached.

* * *

Kurt was anxious as he stood on the subway, hand grasping the railing along the ceiling as he headed back to Bushwick with a stuffy crowd of other commuters. It was Friday afternoon, his first day of a three day break from work, because Blaine was visiting. He grinned sheepishly at the thought, and more importantly at the phone call from last night. He couldn't place what had been different, but Blaine had sounded pleased, happier than he had in weeks. Kurt hoped it meant whatever Blaine had thought of had worked and that he would hear about it tonight, but there had been some type of progress with Blaine's struggle and Kurt was relieved.

He also hoped that Blaine was very naked when he got home in twenty minutes, because three weeks without his touch was far too long.

As the subway stopped, Kurt hurried off, bustling through the crowds and heading up to the street where he hustled along towards his loft. The sidewalk was crowded today, much more so than usual, and Kurt glared spitefully at the sun beating down and the warm breeze fluffing up his hair. It was the first nice day in several weeks and a Friday, so everyone was out and about, enjoying the weather while it lasted.

Up the stairs and through the sliding door; Kurt didn't even pause as he dropped his bag onto the couch and hurried into his room. Blaine was there, curled on his side, shirtless and fast asleep. Kurt pouted at the sight, disappointed, but knowing Blaine had to be exhausted after the week he'd had; finalizing the last prom details, continuing graduation plans with the committee for that, Glee rehearsals for Nationals in another two weeks, and all of the final projects and papers that were starting to be due.

Kurt shrugged out of his shirt and slowly eased his boots off before sliding up behind Blaine and tugged him against his chest. A nap did sound like a decent alternative to sex, after all. There would always be time for that later and then all day tomorrow.

Blaine hummed in his sleep, wiggling back against Kurt, who groaned in dismay, because even if he'd decided that a nap was good, his dick was still throbbing.

" 'urt?" Blaine murmured, rolling more into Kurt and blinking slowly up at him.

"Hi," Kurt whispered, twisting his hips away so that Blaine didn't grow uncomfortable with his erection against his ass. "Nap time?"

"Mmm, 'unch of screaming 'abies on train," Blaine complained quietly, turning more until he could tuck his head under Kurt's chin.

Despite his attempts to turn away, Kurt found Blaine's thigh pressed against his hard-on. He whimpered weakly, swallowing loudly as he felt Blaine grin against his throat.

"Never pegged you as a nap kink kind of guy," Blaine said lightly, trailing his hands teasingly down Kurt's side to his hip.

"Never pegged _you_ as a sleepy tease," Kurt countered, but Blaine's hands moved back up, still heavy and awkward as Blaine yawned.

"Mmm, too comfy for blowjobs right now," Blaine sighed, pressing a gentle kiss to Kurt's throat. "Rain check?"

"As long as it's good for when we wake up," Kurt agreed, slipping his arms around Blaine's waist and rolling onto his back.

As the weight of Blaine's body settled down on his, Kurt was surprised to feel Blaine's cock against his own thigh, not completely hard, but definitely on its way there. Ever since they'd gotten back together, it was rare for Blaine to be hard first or to be the one starting anything sexual. Kurt knew there was a lot of reasons behind that, but he hadn't realized how much he missed Blaine against him like this, comfortable and relaxed even though he was hard. It made his blood surge faster, despite the cute little snuffling snore Blaine had just released against his neck.

"Blaine? Are you asleep again?"

It took a moment, but Blaine shifted slightly before he slurred, "Not 'et."

"This boner isn't going to go away when you're hard against me," Kurt said bluntly. "Any chance I can wake you up enough to help me with it?"

Blaine groaned tiredly and wiggled some more, his leg pressing down against Kurt, who moaned weakly as his hips jerked off the bed.

"Wanna talk before we do anything," Blaine yawned, eyes still closed as he let his left hand drift over Kurt's chest and start rubbing slowly at one of his nipples. "Need to tell you things."

Tension spiked in Kurt's chest, bringing a little prickle of fear with it. It scared him how quickly his mind still jumped to the worst conclusions, the ones that told him it had happened all over again despite their better communication and the growth they'd both experienced.

"Blaine, what– I– " Kurt babbled helpfully, his heart aching as it beat faster.

At the sound of his voice breaking, Blaine propped himself up, suddenly wide awake and looking upset. "Kurt, no. It's not– I will _never_ do that again," Blaine said vehemently. "You are it for me and I have the faith and believe to back that up, okay? It's nothing terrible like that, I promise."

But Kurt was still panicking despite Blaine's reassurances. It was overwhelming now that the thoughts were there, and he had no idea how to calm himself down. Some pessimistic part of his conscious had still clung to the silent terror that would yield a repeat of Blaine's mistake. He wouldn't survive that; his heart had barely managed the first one.

Kurt found himself in Blaine's arms a few seconds later, hugged tight as his spine was rubbed soothingly and sweet kisses dotted his forehead. He felt foolish for even thinking it, but he'd never originally thought it was a possibility either. It had to be a path their relationship could take if he was doing to be mature and understand where they were.

After several minutes, Kurt found himself relaxing in Blaine's embrace, clinging tightly and hopefully. He didn't know what he would do without Blaine again, if the only thing he had to replace this man was loneliness and heartache.

"It isn't what you thought at all, Kurt," Blaine whispered softly, "but I did see Eli again."

Kurt tensed at the statement, the certainty behind it, and waited, trying to make sense of how this scenario worked. Blaine had seen Eli again but had said it wasn't what Kurt had thought. What else could Blaine possibly see him for? He didn't even know the guy, not the way he did friends or even acquaintances, so it wasn't just to hang out or anything simple. They'd met once for an hour and done things Kurt still didn't like to think about.

"I asked him to meet me at the mall," Blaine continued quietly, "so he wouldn't get the wrong idea. I told him I had a boyfriend when we hooked up. Kurt, I– knowing what it meant to him helped so much."

"It meant something to him," Kurt stated blankly, unable to believe it because from what Kurt understood, Blaine had said it was meaningless. "I thought it was meaningless– "

"For me, yes, and I _assumed_ for him, but it takes two and… I had to know I was right and," Blaine paused and shook his head before smiling. "He didn't even remember me, Kurt. It truly meant nothing like I thought it had."

Kurt pondered his words, his heart rate slowing down as he realized what Blaine had really been after when he'd made this decision. He also understood why he had asked Kurt to trust him instead of saying his plan over the phone. He wouldn't have agreed to it, no matter what the reason was. But Blaine was smiling against his chin now, relaxed and more in control and at ease than he had been in so long.

Maybe it had been a good idea, following that last connection and seeing what, if anything, was actually there.

"Kurt, please, say something," Blaine said quietly a few minutes later.

Kurt felt his smile shrink against his neck and realized he'd snapped earlier and that Blaine assumed he was mad, maybe even furious, and he wasn't. Blaine had faced Eli, tied off that last piece of pain, and was better for it. He wasn't mad, but he wasn't entirely okay either. The very thought of Blaine with that boy again made Kurt itch to have Blaine, to inspect every inch of him for hickeys or marks that weren't made by him.

"I'm glad it helped, Blaine," Kurt finally said. "I really am, I just… I didn't expect that. It scared me for a minute."

"Because you don't trust me?" Blaine asked quietly.

"Because I doubted this was as real as it's always felt," Kurt said immediately, and the truth of his words didn't hit him until Blaine raised them up and brushed his bangs back. "I _do_ trust you. I just don't like the idea of him within seeing distance of you, that's all. Not after… "

Blaine swallowed, looking tearful, but nodded. "Something that devoid of meaning for the people involved can't change the connection and meaning we share, Kurt. I thought what I'd done had tainted my flesh, but it can't now. There's nothing important attached to it like there is with you, and while it definitely defines me in a lot of ways, it's not going to control me anymore."

Kurt watched Blaine as he finished, his jaw closing and jutting strongly as his gaze settled on Kurt beside him. It amazed Kurt that, even now, Blaine was still changing, still learning and shaping himself from the mistake he'd made in October.

"So does that mean you're ready for… " Kurt trailed off, unable to finish the question in case it ended in a definite "no" that shut that part of their sex life off permanently.

"It means I still need time to… process all of this, but I think I'll be there soon," Blaine decided after a moment. "I want to make sure I'm sure, so that you don't have to worry if I'm ready or not."

Kurt bit his lip, fighting down the hopeful smile Blaine's words brought. "Thank you for telling me," he murmured, pecking Blaine on the cheek. Someday they would have that again. He was relieved and overwhelmed at the thought, already imagining Blaine pressing back against him or perhaps climbing on top of him, in total control as he held Kurt down and rode…

"Kurt, you're getting hard just thinking about it, aren't you?"

"Maybe," Kurt admitted sheepishly, shifting his hips away again but still smiling.

"Well, I _am_ awake now," Blaine said slowly, dragging a light finger over Kurt's chest. "And we _could_ explore a little further than we have so far, if you want… "

"Really?" Kurt blurted, bolting up into a sitting position.

Blaine snorted in delighted amusement at Kurt's reaction, and reached up to cup his jaw.

"Yes, really," Blaine agreed, propping himself up on his elbows and grinning shyly. "Nothing crazy, but… I'd like to feel some part of you again, even if it's not all of you yet."

A rumbling groan clawed up Kurt's throat at the suggestions Blaine was giving. He quickly rolled on top of Blaine, pressing him down into the bed and whining in relief as he felt Blaine arch up against him.

"Missed having you under me," Kurt rasped, voice low and shaky as he started to fumble with Blaine's jeans. "_Fuck_, you're throbbing, I can feel it."

Blaine grunted as Kurt popped his jeans open and started tugging them down his hips. The little whimper that followed made Kurt pause to bit to his lip and stop himself from panting. It was startling how fast he'd just gotten turned on, but at this point, just the idea of going down on Blaine, or having his mouth or fingers anywhere near this area of his body, made him ache from head to toe. Blaine's erection slid out of his jeans, curving up towards his belly and resting heavily on the smooth, toned expanse of skin. Without bothering to remove Blaine's jeans completely, Kurt grabbed Blaine by the hips, dropping his mouth to Blaine's cock and pressing his tongue along the thick length.

Above him, Blaine jerked, moaning high and loud, as Kurt nibbled along the underside, moaning at the delightful taste of _Blaine_ against his tongue after so long.

"God, you taste better than I remember," Kurt panted, cupping Blaine's balls and starting to roll them gently in his hand. It was a motion that always made Blaine jerk and gasp, and this time Blaine's hips rocketed off the bed, a high-pitched keen breaking past his lips and making Kurt's cock strain roughly against his own jeans.

Blaine's hands flumped down on either side of his hips, fingers curling into the blankets and tugging as Kurt worked over him continuously, following an old cycle that he'd always used to tease Blaine into a frenzied state of dizziness before he stretched him open. His teeth scraped over one sharp hipbone and then his tongue pressed along the dimple of Blaine's abdominal muscles, following the sharp line down to the base of his cock, only to circle around and slid up to the other hip.

Kurt knew the nips drove Blaine crazy, made him twist and jerk and whine, and the fact that it still did, that Kurt still had that control when he wanted, made warmth spread through his chest. Blaine was still his, wholly and completely, and to him this was all the proof he needed. No other man knew Blaine this well, or understood that a sharp nibble along his three ribs made him cry out louder than when he was being fucked just the right way. Blaine was a visible map for Kurt and Kurt alone, and as he let his tongue paint its way up Blaine's skin, he already knew Blaine was coming undone.

"K- Kurt– holy– p- please– been so long– _oh!_"

"Tell me what you need," Kurt purred, lips brushing up Blaine's throat and then pressing softly under his earlobe. "I bet you need those beautiful lips stretched around a nice cock, don't you?"

For once, Kurt was nervous about uttering the phrase, unsure if Blaine was ready for that aspect of their relationship. Dirty talk hadn't been an overarching theme for them, but it had certainly happened a lot as they got more comfortable with power and letting the other have more, or even total, control.

Blaine's fingers unclenched from the bedding, fumbling towards Kurt's jeans, and without another thought of doubt, Kurt sat up, straddling Blaine's chest as he unbuttoned and unzipped his pants and eased them down until his cock sprung free, heavy and pulsing as it drooped towards Blaine's parted lips.

"Is this what you want?" Kurt whispered, voice shaky as he petted through Blaine's mused up curls and slowly eased one hand around to the back of Blaine's head, cupping his scalp and urging him forward. With his other hand, Kurt took hold of his cock, slowly teasing the tip over Blaine's trembling lips. "Do you want to feel my cock stretch your throat?"

Blaine's eyes, dark and lustful, finally glanced up at his face. It was a look Kurt had been dreaming about, a stare he'd thought he'd never fully receive again. Blaine was pliant and willing below him, ready for Kurt to do as he pleased for as long as he pleased, and it was almost strange for Kurt after everything that had changed. Having Blaine so needy and wanting wasn't a dominate part of their everyday relationship, so it was a funny shift to turn back into, but it was still warm, familiar and welcoming.

"Fuck my mouth," Blaine urged, parting his lips as Kurt stroked his cheek gently. "I want to be yours."

"Sweet boy," Kurt murmured as Blaine's arms curled around his thighs and urged his hips forward. The tip of his cock pressed through Blaine's parted lips, his teeth tugging a little until Blaine opened wider, moaning around him as Kurt's hands tangled sharply into his hair.

"_Fuck_," Kurt swore, head thrown back as he thrust in a few more inches, slowly easing Blaine's throat open until Blaine gagged and he eased out. "God, you take it so well."

Blaine groaned as Kurt thrust back into his mouth, deeper into the heat until he felt the tip of his cock hit the back of Blaine's throat and then push through, into the tighter muscles. Blaine swallowed thickly around him, his whines muffled as his tongue swept along the ridge on the underside of Kurt's cock.

Kurt shivered, letting his hips start rolling at their own pace, trusting Blaine to remember their signs if he needed to pause or stop. He kept his gentle grip on the back of Blaine's head, supporting him so his neck didn't start to ache as he fucked Blaine's mouth. It was a beautiful sight to see, Blaine's huge eyes locked on him, his hips stuttering under Kurt, as his mouth stretched wider to accept the entire length of Kurt's cock.

Saliva soaked Kurt's erection, dripping down his ball sack and onto Blaine's collarbones and chin. Kurt was trembling as he moved a little faster, Blaine's hands sliding up to his ass and encouraging him. He was drenched in sweat, and his heart was twanging like a rubber band at the thrill of having a moment like this again.

"B- Blaine– oh _god_– baby, I'm gonna– "

Blaine swallowed repeatedly, eyes watering as Kurt groaned and arched, his head falling back as his stomach spun tighter with heat and a fluttering muscles. He was so close already, so ridiculous excited to have the heat of Blaine's body around him once more–

With a shout, Kurt came, his cock slipping out of Blaine's throat and mouth as he spilled over, twitching as he coated Blaine's face. Trembling, Kurt sunk down against Blaine until his face was buried against Blaine's neck.

"I didn't get to taste you," Blaine pouted, breathing to heavy.

It took Kurt a moment realize that there was still a very hard cock jutting against his hip and that Blaine was rutting against him. Shaking, he pushed himself up and his stomach pooled with more heat again at the sight of Blaine's face. Kurt's come was painted over his cheeks, a thick line down his chin, and one dangerously close to sliding down into Blaine's eyes.

"God, you're so _hot_," Kurt rasped, leaning down and carefully licking at that trail of his come. He followed it down Blaine's forehead, through his eyebrow, and then slowly brushed his tongue over Blaine's eyelid. "So beautiful," Kurt continued, kissing Blaine's open mouth and swirling his come-covered tongue into Blaine's mouth for him to taste. "What do you need me to do for you?"

Blaine sucked on Kurt's lips for a few seconds longer, catching his tongue and taking the last of the taste from it. Kurt let his hand drift down, capturing Blaine's slick erection and eliciting a pleading groan from Blaine.

"Tell me," Kurt encouraged as he stroked him, "what you need."

He kissed the underside of Blaine's earlobe again, stomach still pulled taut at the thought of the come coating Blaine's face.

"F- finger me?" Blaine stammered breathlessly. "I– I need more– just wanna_feel_ you."

Kurt grinned, kissed Blaine swiftly and swiped the lube of his night-stand. He quickly popped it open, poured a little onto his fingers, and started to warm it up as he sucked over Blaine's neck, his lips firm and rough as Blaine fucked into his fist.

"Kurt, _hurry_," Blaine begged, and Kurt knew that voice, the one that meant Blaine was tottering on the edge of his orgasm unless Kurt eased up and slowed him down. This wasn't a moment Kurt wanted to rush into, not after the last time he'd touched Blaine there and gotten such a terrible reaction from it.

He eased up on his stroking; focusing more of kissing over Blaine's neck as he dipped one finger down towards Blaine's perineum and then slowly pushed down towards his ass cheeks. Kurt tensed, expecting the absolute worst, but–

"Fuck," Blaine groaned, his voice cracking and full of emotion as he draped his forearm over his eyes. He pushed his ass back against Kurt's finger and hand, biting his lip and swearing again. "Kurt, _please._"

Trembling, both with the weakness from his orgasm and his own nerves about breeching this moment, Kurt pressed his finger against the puckered skin, circling it softly as Blaine sighed and pushed against him again. After a few moments, where he caught himself and tried to grapple for the control he had minutes ago, Kurt pushed the tip in, feeling Blaine tighten and grab at the bedding.

"More," Blaine demanded roughly, pushing himself down onto Kurt's finger.

The demand surprised Kurt but he obeyed, beginning to thrust, and then tentatively adding a second finger. Blaine tensed then, paused, and grasped for Kurt's hand. Immediately, Kurt tangled his fingers with Blaine's as he nodded for Kurt to roll them over. A little uncertain, Kurt did so, taking Blaine's weight with him until the other man was settled down on top of him.

"Love you," Blaine whispered, digging his elbows into the bed and kissing Kurt quickly. He sunk back onto Kurt's fingers with a drawn out groan. "Stay just like that," he murmured vaguely. "Feels so good just like that."

Kurt did as requested, keeping his right hand stiff and steady for Blaine to push back on as he took hold of Blaine's cock with the other, stroking and twisting as Blaine moved about him. There were deep groans vibrating across his skin as Blaine shifted and fucked himself, both onto Kurt's fingers and through his fist. It wasn't something they'd ever done before. Almost without fail, Blaine had always been docile and submissive when he bottomed, even in a fingering capacity.

This was nice, exhilarating, like firecrackers igniting and popping in Kurt's belly as he watched Blaine take control in such a vulnerable position. It was releasing to know it didn't always have to be him dominating them if they played with power, regardless of position.

Blaine raised himself up more, his hands pressing into the mattress as he rolled his hips. Kurt leaned up dotting Blaine's chest with sloppy kisses until a shout of ecstasy echoed above him and Blaine started coming over his fist.

Shaking and groaning, Blaine collapsed down onto him, knocking them both back down into the rumpled bedding and pillows. Jeans still twisted around their thighs, Kurt sighed and hugged Blaine tightly against his chest, amazed at the huge jump they'd just made and so thankful that Blaine had found a way to get there within himself and his own guilt.

Kurt tugged Blaine up enough to have his face in licking distance and slowly cleaned the rest of the come off his face so that it didn't crust over and mess up the skincare Kurt meticulously kept on him about.

"You're the best," Blaine murmured sleepily, caressing Kurt's chest and neck as he lapped up the last drop of come and kissed Blaine's cheek. "I'll never break your trust again," he added after a moment. "I know you're still not there yet with everything, but we're both still getting there with all of this. I'm just glad we're doing the last leg of this journey together."

"So am I," Kurt said after a moment. "I don't think I could forgive you if there weren't so many positive things between us. We're getting there, I think," he added softly. "It just takes time and effort to heal these things."

"Mhmm," Blaine hummed, nodding against his chest and then brushing his lips against Kurt's neck.

They didn't speak after that. For a long time, they just held each other, kissing occasionally and rubbing over skin when it got too cold in the loft. It was a perfect evening for Kurt, better than anything he could have imagined, and as he fell asleep, a new warmth settled in his chest, steady and full of faith and a trust he'd always imagined himself having in Blaine before, but never realizing he hadn't had until it had burrowed into his heart just now.


	15. May

A/N: And so the end arrives, ho hum! It's been fun with this one, playing with my own version of canon's season 4 plot and growing each of their characters and then them as a couple. It'll be interesting to see what happens with our boys over these last eight episode and how they'll bring them together again. And thanks super bunches to AzBadazz for all the betaing work as she runs through my gibberish!

So yeah, enjoy this last chapter (and the smut), and I'll probably be popping in with some one shots for GYOW and other things for a bit before starting a new WIP. I've got a few ideas including a dead!Blaine story, army!Blaine, Hogwarts!Klaine, not to mention a dozen genderbending Klaine ideas. Lots of ideas, we'll see which takes off first!

Second Fall

May

The loft was empty when Blaine stepped inside the Friday before Kurt's birthday. It had been five long weeks since he'd been in New York. Five weeks filled with long phone calls and panting breaths while they whispered all the filthy things they wanted to do to each other in those moments but couldn't. Somehow, miraculously, the distance had started to work for them, making the longing more intense and the reunions more thrilling and exciting when they finally had those brief forty-eight hours to spend together.

Blaine knew Kurt wouldn't be there until later in the afternoon, long after his shift ended and he had spent more time than he wanted on the subway. It was almost nice having the place to himself, the loft that was about to become his home when he graduated in two weeks. This morning he'd taken his last final exam in Physics with Sam, who had driven him to the station and waved him off with a cheery smile and a lot of suggestive winks about his gift for Kurt's birthday.

He'd certainly bought Kurt something, a jacket he'd been prattling on about that Blaine had stumbled across on eBay and won for a reasonable price, but the real gift, or at least what he hoped Kurt would see as the real gift, was in Blaine's plans for their first night together in so long. After months of struggling and uncertainty, Blaine thought he was there, ready and shivering at the thought of Kurt being inside of him again like he'd once been.

Blaine made himself at home, kicking his shoes off onto the little mat by the door and heaving his bags towards Kurt's room. There were boxes everywhere this time, several towers on both sides of Rachel's curtains – she was moving out as Blaine was moving in, sharing an apartment with Brody a few floors below their top floor loft. It was an expected but welcomed decision, because Santana and Rachel didn't mesh well together as roommates from all Blaine had seen and heard, and they all wouldn't fit in here by next year.

As he twirled past the second stack, Blaine caught a glimpse of the almost entirely gutted bedroom beyond. Santana, Kurt, and he hadn't discussed how they would be shifting everything around yet to utilize the space, but Blaine imagined Kurt's room – _their_ room he reminded himself with a broad smile – would take over that corner, leaving a sizeable gap between where they would be in relation to Santana, especially when she had Alexa over.

Carefully, Blaine ducked through the parted curtains, setting his bags on the bed and glancing around at the various spots Kurt had made for him over the last month. Another night-stand had been added to the left side of the bed, bare and gutted, waiting for him to put his possessions into it. The wardrobe doors were open, showing the left half had been cleared except for a few outfits he'd left on other visits. On the opposite side from the bed, the low, long dresser had a note taped to it, telling him that Kurt had cleared two of the big drawers and that the three middles ones – socks, underwear, and pajamas– had room for Blaine's clothing to settle down beside his. It was exhilarating to think about his clothes sharing space with Kurt's, nestled down in a rickety little dresser drawer like it belonged there all along.

For the next hour, Blaine sorted through the clothes he'd brought, meticulously placing them in the drawers Kurt had given him, and beaming the entire time he added his own to the ones with Kurt's. He was giddy by the time he finished, overwhelmed and amazed at the fact that this was his home, almost. He was going to Julliard in the fall, living with the love of his life, and getting to fall asleep in his arms every day from this point on.

Overcome with the thrilling thoughts, Blaine packed away his bags in the corner and tried to control the tears threatening to fall. Eight months ago, he'd never thought this was going to be a possibility, but somehow they'd made it. Despite all the pain and misery and hurt they'd caused each other, they'd found a way through, stronger and better than before.

Blaine took his time after that, making himself an early dinner, then showering and toweling himself off before lying down on the bed. He didn't bother getting dressed, since he knew it was pointless when Kurt should be almost home by now. Besides, the apartment was rather stuffy compared to the air conditioned house he had grown up in, but he knew that here, nudity wasn't an issue. Santana wouldn't care, even though she wouldn't be home until very late because of work, and Kurt would enjoy the fact that he didn't have to wrestle Blaine's clothes off of his body when he got home in another half an hour.

By six o'clock, however, Blaine was bored and still alone. He unplugged his cell phone from its new resting place on his night-stand and dialed Kurt's number. After three rings, Kurt picked up, sounding ruffled and with an accompanying flurry of commotion behind him. Disappointment seeped into Blaine; Kurt was still at work then. There was no denying the sound of office chatter and Isabelle's voice calling out demands in the background.

"Hello?" Kurt said, sounding completely frazzled.

"Running late, I take it," Blaine commented sadly. He rolled onto his side, eyeing the bottle of lube on Kurt's night-stand, debating with himself for a moment before wiggling towards it until he could reach.

"Oh, god, Blaine, I– the system crashed and we lost half the spread and it's due by _midnight–_ "

"Hey, shh, don't worry about it," Blaine cut in, and when Kurt was silent in doubt, he added, "_really_. I get it, okay? Just… hurry home."

He popped the lube bottle open right next to the mouth piece of his phone, hearing Kurt's sharp intake of breath on the other end.

"Blaine, is that– "

"Mhmm," Blaine acknowledged as he dotted his fingers with it. He made a big show of gasping at the cold liquid, moaning and grinning playfully as Kurt whimpered on the other end of the line. "Mmm, so slick and cold. Wish I had you to warm it up before it starts stretching me… "

Kurt choked this time, coughing as he tried to hold his moan in check. Still grinning wickedly, Blaine warmed the lube up and slipped it back to his ass, slowly caressing his hole and gasping and panting into the phone.

"Oh, you're going to feel _so_ good tonight, Kurt," he murmured, arching back against his hand as he slipped the tip of his finger inside. "I need you inside me so badly, been way too long– "

He could imagine Kurt biting his lip and shifting in his chair as his co-workers continued to prattle around him – could clearly picture the stark outline of Kurt's erection as it grew and stretched along his hip and strained against his pants.

"You're– _fuck_," Kurt whispered. "I can't wait, but– "

"I can," Blaine teased playfully, sliding his finger back out and massaging his hole. He sighed in bliss, letting his eyes drift shut as Kurt's harsh breathing rattled in his ear. "I'll wait all night and let you really stretch me out for your cock." He paused and groaned at the thought of Kurt's cock, thick and throbbing as it pressed into him. "That thick cock that stretches me more than any of my toys; nothing fits as perfectly as you, Kurt."

"Christ, I still have work to do and– " Kurt babbled on as Blaine continued to making little needy, wanton noises into the phone, not actually fingering himself anymore but working Kurt up into a frustrated state of arousal.

"Well, I'll let you get back to work," Blaine said, sighing in disappointment. "Guess it's just me and my favorite vibrator tonight."

He grinned as Kurt groaned, loud and obvious. The chatter around him stuttered to a halt and Blaine's grin widened in delight as he did his best to hold in his laughter.

"Don't you dare, Blaine Devon Anderson, that is my– "

He hung up then, unable to stop the bubble of laughter from bursting in his chest. He giggled himself until he was in tears, slicking up the crease of his ass more to make it look like he'd done what he'd just said, before setting the lube bottle on his night-stand and opening the drawer for one of his vibrators. He slicked that up with the remaining lube on his hands and kept a hold of it as he rolled towards Kurt's side and snuggled up with the body pillow.

Kurt would rush home now, then be furious to find evidence that Blaine had gotten himself off on his own. He'd wake Blaine up in a flurry perhaps, or maybe finger him as he slept, waking him just as he slid inside of him. It was a scenario they'd been familiar with back in high school, and Blaine hoped Kurt wouldn't be too uncertain about their physicality to not do so. If he was honest with himself, that was one of Blaine's favorite ways to wake up and, as he closed his eyes, he hoped more than anything that he would do so in a few hours time.

* * *

Kurt spent ten minutes staring down at the phone in his hand before Isabelle snapped her fingers in front of his eyes and demanded his attention.

"Kurt, come on, _focus. _We're almost done," she said sharply and Kurt shook himself, setting the phone aside and trying to desperately ignore the twitching ache in his pants.

When he looked up, he found all of his co-workers glancing at him every few seconds. Chase was grinning mischievously, as though he knew exactly what sort of conversation Kurt had just been abruptly cut off from. The others looked bemused and mildly curiously, though Kurt didn't doubt that they at least had a hint of the sexually charged conversation Blaine had just called him for.

And _Blaine–_god, he'd sounded so content and needy over the phone, so absolutely ready to surrender his consciousness fully as Kurt sunk into him–

Blaine was ready.

The thought pounded through his brain as he turned back to his computer, fingers fumbling over the keys and stringing together several lines of gibberish before he caught himself. He groaned in dismay and then annoyance as he shifted in his chair and the swollen flesh stretching his pants brushed the underside of the desk.

Blaine was probably on their bed right now, ass in the air, cheeks spread as his fingers sunk past his tight rim–

"Kurt, let's go talk in my office," Isabelle said with a sigh, and he nearly jumped out of his skin at how close her voice was against his ear.

"O- Okay," Kurt agreed, not even bothering to look less guilty as he grabbed his jacket off the back of his chair and held it in front of himself.

His state of arousal was already obvious between the sweat dripping down his face and neck and Chase snorting with laughter across the room. Walking awkwardly, Kurt hurried after her and stood beside the guest chair as she closed the door to her office softly.

"It's been a while since Blaine's been here for a visit," she remarked casually, sitting down lightly in her desk chair and motioning for Kurt to take the other seat.

He shook his head at the offer, lower lip stuck firmly between his teeth, squeezed as tightly as his cock would be in Blaine's– He shuddered at the thought and shifted the jacket in his arms in embarrassment.

"Um, f- five weeks," he rasped, voice gruff with longing and heat. "He's h- here for my birthday on M- Monday."

"Ah," she smiled, a knowing twinkle in her eyes that made Kurt squirm in absolute horror. God, he had a boner and his boss was completely aware of it. This was humiliating– "Five weeks is a long time," she added slyly, "even for someone my age. You can go for the day, Kurt."

Stunned, Kurt's arms went limp, and he almost didn't catch his jacket as it slipped from his grasp.

"What– but the spread– "

"It's almost done and _you _have done more than your fair share of the work on a dozen others since you started classes in January," Isabelle said simply, waving him towards the door. "Besides," she added with a teasing smile, "I know a birthday present call when I hear one, and _you_ have a very nice present waiting back at your loft."

"But– "

"Go before I become sane and keep you here until midnight with the rest of them," Isabelle cut in, giving him a firm look and nodding her head towards the door.

Still amazed at his luck, Kurt backed over towards the door, stammering his thanks as he tried to hold his jacket over his boner and fumble with the door handle behind him. It took a few seconds, during which Isabelle shook her head in amusement and stood up, until he pushed the door open and hurried over to his desk to collect his bag.

"Wait, does he seriously get out earlier because his boyfriend gave him a _boner_ over the phone?" Chase said in disbelief as Isabelle joined them in the larger office space.

"He's also the only part- time member of our team and has picked up the slack more than once, despite being a full-time student," Isabelle snapped. "And I don't want the rest of you _popping_ _boners_ because you're thinking about what _he's_ thinking about. Get busy, people. We only have to finalize a few more things and make sure it's in the correct order."

As Kurt shouldered his bag, Chase gave him a dirty look.

"I expect full details Tuesday afternoon," he muttered as Kurt passed. "And I mean _details,_ because that man of yours is _fine–_ "

"Chase, focus before I make you finish the entire spread!"

Still pouting, Chase turned away and Kurt hurried from the office, down the elevator, and towards the subway station a block away. He didn't bother phoning Blaine to clue him in on his impending arrival. After that phone call, it was time for Blaine to be the one being surprised. But disappointed filled him as he entered the station and found a horde of people and several repeated announcements flashing around stating that there was a track malfunction in the exact direction he needed to be heading.

Groaning in dismay, Kurt sunk onto the first available bench to wait, jacket draped over his lap as he swung his bag around and–

"Sir! Sir, you dropped this!"

Startled at the formal title he was being addressed by, Kurt glanced up and found a young boy – young teenager, really, no older than fourteen – holding out a velvet ring box. It was almost identical to the one Blaine had given him with the letter at Christmas, except for one important change that Kurt had made. It was bigger now, big enough to hold a second ring.

"Oh my _god_," Kurt breathed, quickly taking it back and looking it over. "Thank you _so_ much."

"You gonna go ask 'em tonight?" the boy inquired, eyeing the ring box Kurt was examining for damage. He'd been carrying it around in his jacket pocket ever seen he'd made a short trip to Maine with Santana to retrieve it himself instead of waiting on delivery. "That's got some big rock in it, right?"

Kurt chuckled, eyeing the boy a little warily. He didn't seem like a thief or even a kid living on the streets. His clothes were nice enough, well fit and taken care of, even if his speech patterns alluded to slang undertones.

"No, there's no rock," Kurt answered, popping it open as the boy approached cautiously. "Just two simple rings."

The boy's eyes bugged out of his skull as he plopped down next to Kurt. "You're proposing to _two_ people? Hot _damn_, you didn't strike me as a playa."

Laughter burst out of Kurt again and the boy glared at him, looking upset at being laughed at for his assumption. It took Kurt a few minutes to calm down enough to correct him and explain the situation.

"No, no, one is for me and the other is for him," Kurt answered truthfully, tilting the box so the boy could catch a glimpse of the two silver bands, each with a different fingerprint along the inside band.

"Oh," the boy muttered, "so you're skipping the engagement and just getting hitched."

Kurt shook his head again as another announcement began flashing overhead. A train that would take him close to Bushwick was set to arrive in five minutes.

"Wrong again," Kurt said, shrugging a little. "They're both engagement rings, actually. One for him and one for me. But they're a lot more than just that now."

Kurt glanced over at the boy, who looked completely confused, and smiled softly. "It's complicated," he said instead of going into details. "All love is when it's worth having."

"Huh, I wonder if the girl I marry will let me have an engagement ring, too?" the boy wondered quietly.

A train whooshed into the station then, not Kurt's, but another headed for Queens.

"Gotta go! Good luck, mister!" the boy said, hopping to his feet. He started jogging through the crowd but turned back at the last minute. "And don't drop it again! Oh, and say something good, too!"

The boy disappeared just as quickly as he'd appeared and Kurt sat there, playing the conversation over in his mind. He'd actually forgotten about the ring box still lingering in his pocket after he'd tucked it away in there. Even now, Kurt didn't know when he would bring it out and slip the newest ring onto Blaine's finger, but the idea was thrilling, teasing at the back corners of his mind as a certainty waiting to reveal its moment.

It was soon, he knew. Kurt wouldn't have taken the time to search out the same ring maker and spend an entire day making the journey there and back if he didn't feel it in his bones that the time was close. Blaine was certain in his heart, had been for longer than Kurt had ever realized, and at this point, it was simply a matter of pulling the last struggling pieces of their trust together before they made their engagement official. They both knew it was going to happen for them, that that was the road they'd hoped to head down as high school boys and was now the one they had followed as adults.

With a sigh, Kurt stood as his train rumbled into the station, tucking the ring box carefully into his breast pocket before following the swarm towards the nearest car.

Maybe tonight would be their night, even if he didn't know what he was going to say. The Kurt Hummel from eight months ago would think he was stupid and naive for even taking Blaine back, but he was a different man now. Wiser and trusting what he knew was real for them both. A tangled web of mistakes between two teenage boys wasn't going to take that away everything they had together, even if it had wounded them for a long while.

After almost two hours of transferring from train to train, Kurt finally found himself stepping out of a station several blocks from the one closest to his loft. It was after nine, would be pushing past ten o'clock by the time he finally reached his street, and he was weary after the triple-time commute.

He slugged down the road, returning several text messages from Santana and Rachel, both informing him that they were out for the next few days. Rachel was helping Brody rearrange their new apartment into something suitable for living, and Santana was staying over at Alexa's dormitory at NYU. Relieved that the apartment was truly theirs for the next twenty-four to forty-eight hours, Kurt quickened his pace.

It was a long walk, but he managed to get back to his loft just as the clock in the main room chimed out ten o'clock. None of the lights were on and even the air conditioning unit was quiet, which Kurt realized within seconds meant that it was broken again. As he shoved the door closed behind him, a swell of heat threatened to suffocate him as he peeled his jacket and boots of and placed them by Blaine's.

A huge smile broke across his face at the sight. In another year or two, they would have their own apartment, without Rachel or Santana or anyone to worry about busting in on them. There would be quiet glances and quiet evenings curled up by their fireplace (because there _had_ to be a fireplace in their next apartment), silly afternoons in the kitchen making dinner together while tasting their concoctions on each other's lips, and early, slow mornings with lazy kisses and stuttering hips.

Kurt wanted all of that and more with Blaine; now, tomorrow, and five dozen years into his future. No matter how he pictured his life, where he was, what he was doing, or what was happening, Blaine was always at his side, a steady, open smile and a reassuring grip on his hand.

He padded back to their room, undoing his shirt as he went. Sweat was already starting to dot his skin and brow from the excessive heat as he swept the curtains aside and spotted the sharp outline of Blaine curled up on his side towards the window. Instead of flicking on the light, Kurt stood in the opening, letting his eyes adjust as he slid his shirt and undershirt off and draped them over the dresser. After a moment, he dug the ring box out and set it on the night-stand where Blaine's phone was resting before pushing his pants and boxer-briefs down.

Even if he wasn't planning on waking Blaine up for sex, it was still too hot in the loft for so many layers. He smiled as he sat down on the edge of the bed, catching sight of the lube bottle on the night-stand before he focused on Blaine beside him.

The other man was curled up around Kurt's body pillow, naked and sleeping peacefully. Kurt watched his body rise and fall gently as he breathed, his eyes tracing over the muscles of his back and the little dimples right above his ass. His tongue darted out and smoothed over his lips as Kurt lay down behind Blaine and caressed his hip.

An appreciative hum greeted him, and Kurt smiled again as Blaine unconsciously arched back towards his body. For a second he wondered if Blaine would even be interested in a second round, since there was a purple vibrator still clutched in his fist, but the thought of waking Blaine up just as he pushed in like he had done so many times in their old bedrooms in Ohio was so thrilling, it made his toes curl and his cock start to harden.

Without another thought, Kurt reached behind himself for the lube, swiped it off the night-stand and carefully coated his fingers. He took his time warming the liquid up, not wanting to startle Blaine or wake him up immediately as his left hand stroked over Blaine's hips and lower back, eliciting little content, pleased murmurs from Blaine. Kurt watched him wiggle his way back towards Kurt's body, sighing and arching until the swell of his ass brushed Kurt's erection.

Kurt groaned at the contact, pausing in his petting to breathe deeply and control himself. Blaine's little noises died away as Kurt's hands stopped moving, and, slowly, Kurt placed his lubed fingers against the crease of Blaine's ass, swearing loudly when he found it still slick from Blaine's playtime earlier.

"You are such a little minx," Kurt growled, dipping his fingers in and finding Blaine's hole, still slick and surprisingly tight considering what Kurt thought had happen– "Wait," he muttered, pressing against the tight clench of muscles. There was no way Blaine had stretched himself for that toy a few short hours ago. "_Tease_," Kurt hissed in disbelief as Blaine hummed softly and smiled in his sleep. "I should have known."

Grinning slyly, Kurt rubbed over Blaine's hole, quite pleased at the discovery as he teased the rim, slowly letting Blaine's muscles relax before he dipped his fingertip in. Blaine's back bowed, his ass and head pressing back against Kurt's body as he groaned, still miraculously asleep, but already enjoying what was waiting for him once he was awake.

Kurt was careful as he worked Blaine open, only brushing his prostate instead of curling his fingers against it. He wanted to wait until Blaine was as hard as himself, twisting and panting against his chest, before he woke him up and asked if he needed to be stretched completely.

As Blaine arched against him at the entry of a third finger, Kurt groaned as his rim clenched around his fingers, holding Blaine against his chest and biting down on his shoulder to stop himself from shouting in delight. It had been so long, he almost couldn't remember how to felt to slide into Blaine and work him open completely.

"K- Kurt?" Blaine murmured groggily, head twisting back towards Kurt's. In response, Kurt curled his fingers towards Blaine's prostate, jolting him awake effectively and making him call out sharply. "_Christ_, Kurt, I want– I'm ready– "

"Gimme a minute," Kurt gasped, pressing his cock against Blaine's ass and whimpering. "It's been _so_ long," he whispered, swiping his tongue over the teeth marks he'd just left on Blaine's shoulder. "I just need a second– "

"Shh," Blaine murmured, one hand sliding back into Kurt's sweaty hair to bring his mouth up Blaine's. "I know, it's fine. Take your time, I trust you."

The words rattled Kurt in a way he wasn't expecting, because at the core of all of their problems since last year was trust. Blaine had doubted him, hadn't trusted that his love was absolute and still in his heart. Kurt had doubted Blaine's fidelity and honesty after he'd been unfaithful. Even before everything in October, they'd never quite grasped the maturity needed for distance, even when they had always been so solid. Knowing that his trust in Blaine was mirrored back at him was heartwarming and eased the tension that had spiked in his body at what they were finally about to share again.

"I trust you completely," Kurt murmured against Blaine's lips, kissing him softly as he worked his fingers apart one last time and slid them out.

"Condom?" Blaine mumbled as Kurt plucked the lube of the night-stand again and slicked his cock up.

As he lined the head up with Blaine's opening, he groaned and shook his head against Blaine's shoulder, where he planned on keeping it buried until he was groggy with the aftershocks of their orgasms.

"No, wanna feel you bare," Kurt decided, angling himself as Blaine's hand clutched at the nape of his neck and gripped him tightly.

It was a first since they'd gotten back together several months ago. He and Blaine had both been tested twice since then, and while they'd both been clean, they'd still hesitated at the idea of having sex without protection of any kind. But Kurt wanted to feel Blaine against his skin, have Blaine's body wrapped around him and nothing else.

Slowly he started to push in, Blaine arching and gasping wantonly as Kurt's mouth fell open against his shoulder. He was panting by the time his hips were firmly pressed against Blaine, his mind hazy and limbs shaking from the hot grip of Blaine's muscles trying to work against him momentarily. Nothing had ever felt so right in his entire life as Blaine's upper body twisted so that he could kiss Kurt's forehead.

"You feel better than I remember," Blaine murmured as Kurt trembled and attempted to close his mouth. He swiveled his hips experimentally, biting his lip as Blaine's muscles relaxed into the stretch, welcoming Kurt's body into his as he was loosened further. "_Fuck_, start moving– "

Kurt answered, rolling his hips back and biting down on Blaine's shoulder once more as his cock slipped out of his tightness before thrusting back in. A yelp vibrated over Blaine's skin as Kurt's back bowed and he clutched at Blaine.

A laugh rumbled against Kurt's lips. "I think you're enjoying this more than me," Blaine teased, voice high and breathy. Another kiss was pressed to Kurt's forehead as Blaine shifted some and stroked his fingers back through his hair. "Let me," he requested, shifting his body forward and off Kurt a few inches.

Without a word, Kurt's hand smacked down against Blaine's hip, fingers digging into the sweaty flesh as he held on and helped Blaine start working up a rhythm. Kurt went slack against Blaine's back, his arms and grip still tense, but his upper body was like liquid, melting into Blaine as his lips parted against Blaine's skin again. Just focusing on his breathing was another of a struggle for him right then as Blaine's ass smacked back against his hips, taking him deeply into Blaine's body before pull off almost entirely.

They'd never had a dynamic quite like this before, not with Blaine bottoming but in an easy control of their movements, while Kurt hung on desperately for the thrill of the ride, trusting Blaine entirely with his pleasure and needs.

"Tighter," Kurt groaned, hips bucking forward and slowly moving with the steady rolling of Blaine's. "_Fuck_, squeeze around m– _yes!_"

Blaine's hips stuttered to a halt as he tightened his internal muscles around Kurt, pressing back and grinding himself against Kurt's body. A strong hand clamped down on Kurt's ass, holding him there and urging him to press in deeper as Blaine whimpered and squirmed against him. He curled his left arm under Blaine's body as they grinded together, looping it around and tangling his fingers into Blaine's wet curls as Blaine's hand tugged his own head forward.

"Need you to touch me," Blaine muttered, slowly arching forward to start moving again. "_Please_, I'm so hard."

Kurt released Blaine's hip, brushing his fingertips over Blaine's stomach until he found his cock, slick with pre-come and throbbing against his abdomen. It surprised Kurt a little, but usually whichever one of them that was receiving had to be stroked constantly to stay that hard, unless they'd been without for a while. He took Blaine into his grip as they started moving together once more, timing the stroke of his hand with the movement of their hips smacking together.

Blaine was whimpering and jerking against him, hips rolling harder as Kurt's fist worked him over. It was the noises that unwound Kurt, his hips snapping forward rapidly as a sudden burst of heat started swirling through his belly.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, he could heard himself shouting and demanding for Blaine to push back against him harder, but as Blaine's voice broke and warmth started coating his fist, his eyes rolled up into his head and he was floating. His body went limp, trembling and jerking as he continued to come, but nothing else mattered except the press of Blaine's skin and the heat mingled between their bodies.

As long as Kurt had this, he would be fine. As long as Blaine kept his heart safe and they reminded each other of their trust and love, they would make it through anything else their lives had to throw at them.

Blaine's fingers were gently caressing through his hair when he finally opened his eyes. A soft, shy smile greeted him, Blaine now turned around and holding him close to his chest as he rubbed the aftershock shivers from Kurt's sides.

"You okay?" Blaine asked softly, swallowing a yawn as he nudged his nose against Kurt's chin.

"I'm with you," Kurt reminded him, not bothering to elaborate on the sentiment. The rest didn't need to be spoken out loud as Kurt eased onto his back and stretched his heavy limbs. Blaine curled up beside him, fingers petting over his chest as it rose and fell rapidly. "Do you need some tissues?" Kurt croaked after a few more moments of silence as Blaine's sticky stomach brushed his side.

"Hmm, please," Blaine murmured sleepily.

Kurt honored the request, twisting his head towards the night-stand to grab the tissues when the ring box he'd left there caught his attention. He swallowed at the sight, still plucking a handful of tissues, but pausing as his hand moved back towards the bed. It took him a second to make up his mind as he stuck the tissues into Blaine's loose grasp and popped the box open.

The two rings glinted in the moonlight from the parted window curtains. This was the moment. There was never going to be another moment where he was so absolutely sure as he was now.

As Blaine cleaned his stomach and Kurt's side off, Kurt tugged the little band meant for Blaine out of the velvet, clasped the box in his other hand and tucked it down on his right side where Blaine wouldn't see them.

"Thanks," Blaine yawned, passing Kurt the tissues so he could drop them in the waste basket next to the bed. His hand settled back down on Kurt's chest, fingers splayed out over Kurt's still pounding heart as Kurt took a deep breath and took hold of Blaine's hand, slipping the silver band onto his ring finger.

Blaine still hummed dreamily against him for a moment, before–

"Kurt? Wh– "

Blaine's eyes flew open, his gaze shifting from Kurt's steady smile to where their hands were joined on Kurt's smooth chest. His chest that was suddenly wet, Blaine's tears leaking down onto him as Kurt rolling towards him and gathered him in his arms.

"I want to marry you," Kurt told him, grabbing the ring box from behind him and pressing it into Blaine's shaking hands. "The one you made for me is still waiting for you to put it in its proper place."

Kurt snuggled closer as Blaine popped the velvet box open, carefully extracting the ring he'd made for Kurt as Kurt offered his hand to him.

"God, you would spring this on me when it's supposed to be _your_birthday weekend," Blaine said, voice shaking as he rubbed over the last knuckle of Kurt's ring finger before slowly sliding the ring on.

As the cool metal closed around his skin, Kurt beamed, leaning in for a kiss as Blaine hugged him closer.

"That was nothing like I imagined our engagement going," Blaine murmured.

Kurt laughed quietly and nuzzled against him. "I think it's best when it's simple. We both know what's in our hearts and that's more important than the words we could say right now," Kurt whispered against his cheek. "Besides, if we keep it quiet, we can see how long it takes everyone to realize we're wearing these."

Blaine's fingers twisted the ring on Kurt's finger as Kurt let his eyes close, breathing in the scent of Blaine and them that lingered on the sheets and throughout the room.

"Never take it off," Blaine said softly, kissing Kurt's neck and tucking his head under Kurt's chin.

A kiss sealed Kurt's promise this time and, as they wrapped themselves up tighter, Kurt grinned dazedly. It had taken so much to get here, so many realizations that everything in love wasn't easy and that sometimes life, and what was worth having, was painful and shattering. But moments like this, gifts between their hearts, and promises of something beyond the emotions, they knew couldn't be captured with words, made all of that seem miniscule. Their love was worth the fight, the heartache and the pain they might cause each other, because if there was one thing Kurt had learned from this past year, it was that he had to take the worst aspects of love with the best and love Blaine's flaws and insecurities, treasure and trust in them as much as he did himself.


End file.
